The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (46 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

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(28.6) Good General Health

 

If a young woman is on routine medications for various ailments, you need to ask some serious questions about her health. Find out about her health as a child. Find out about any special complications or difficulties when she was young. None of these are deal breakers of course, we all get sick from time to time, you’re more looking for
chronic
medical conditions. You don’t care that she had the chicken pox when she was eight, you do care that she had cancer when she was thirteen.

 

If you find a history of basic illness you can bet that this will be the pattern into the future as well. It’s not the job of your marriage to save the world or even any one woman; it’s to have a full productive happy life. If you want to save people, be a fireman or an EMT worker or something. So if she’s constantly sucking an inhaler when she’s twenty-four, you can bet it will be worse at thirty-four and your children will probably be much the same as well.

 

You really have to ask serious questions about any psychiatric medications she uses. If there’s an apparent family history of mental illness, you need to be able to carefully rule out the possibility that your potential wife is going to be affected by mental illness at some point in the future as well.

 

Simply having a medical issue doesn’t need to be a deal breaker, but you should go in with eyes open. Jennifer had braces as a kid. Both of my daughters needed braces too. That’s about all I’m saying here.
(28.7) Positive Family History

 

Does she have a reasonably intact family home and childhood? If she’s from a divorced family then you will have a higher likelihood of divorce in your marriage to her. Again, the purpose of your marriage is not to save a woman, it’s to have a happy productive life with someone. Is the rest of her family basically normal and generally free of mental illness, developmental disabilities, crime, cancer and drama?

 

By all means make allowances for the few black sheep in every family, but a coherently bad pattern is a stumbling block. If meeting her family starts making you feel like you’re a social worker, it’s possibly best to step back, or bail and start over.
(28.8) Minimal Prior Baggage

 

If she has a kid and she never got married to the guy that got her pregnant, or a failed marriage, or anything large and dramatically negative in her life with ongoing consequences, then that’s baggage. The more baggage she has, the worse of an option she is to marry.

 

Sometimes baggage is a major red flag that she’s capable of making really bad decisions or incapable of self-control. Sometimes baggage is just the result of shockingly bad luck, but it’s still baggage nonetheless.

 

Having a simple family life of just you and her and having all the children sharing the same parentage in an intact home, makes life vastly easier than the endless juggling of who has custody this week. Where Thanksgiving is going to be is easier too.

 

Plus her prior kid(s) and whatever kids you have together may not always go smoothly and easily as if they were all your own children. Also there’s a “baby’s daddy” out there that she still has an eternal connection with. (Middle aged people always have baggage of some sort. No baggage means they never did anything of note their whole life. Just evaluate if it’s basically under control or not.)
(28.9) She Has a Clue

 

I don’t care what it is that she does at college, or even if she doesn’t go, but either way she needs some sort of direction and purpose to her life. You want to see that she is able to do something that doesn’t really require you to be attached to her, for her to have a life of her own that’s functional and productive. You need to see some sort of ability to hold a job and responsibilities together as an adult.

 

If the whole point of her life is simply to meet a man and be a Stay At Home Mom, that’s fine as long as she is displaying a top notch SAHM skill set already. I’m talking baked goods, knitting, cooking, child care, cleaning, decorating and social planning skills. Or put another way – would some rich-ass family hire her as housekeeper/nanny for $40,000 a year?

 

If her plan is to get married and take it as an early retirement, then you’re in for a world of trouble. You want to marry a
capable
woman.
(28.10) Ideally a Virgin

 

Plenty of studies show that the fewer sexual partners a woman has before marriage the higher her marital satisfaction and the sexual satisfaction she has within marriage. You very much want your wife to sexually imprint on sex with you and completely bond to you. The sex is just going to be that much better over the long term. Not to mention there’s no ex-lovers lurking on Facebook, sexual diseases, bad experiences and regrets to worry about.

 

The harsh truth to the modern hookup girl is that yes indeed, every time you sleep with another man, you damage your long term wife potential. The best predicator of future behavior is past behavior and highly promiscuous women before marriage are far more likely to, have lower happiness, cheat during marriage, or divorce.
For the record I also believe the man should ideally be a virgin too. I say this not from a current religious perspective – in my teens and early twenties I was an evangelical Christian but am a quite firm atheist now – but simply from the perspective that while this was horribly hard in my life before Jennifer, the sexual payoff and trust between us is outstandingly good and on balance a significant part of our current happiness. I am laid like tile and have been for sixteen years now.  But I will not lie and say it was anything other than torture at the time though.

 

Obviously not all women getting married will be virgins, so then it’s largely a case of assessing whether her sexual history is concerning, or not too much to be worried about. Sex with a few serious boyfriends is one thing; dozens of one night stands is another. Likewise a woman that marries at age thirty is very likely going to have some sort of sexual history. At some age, though, the fact that she’s had so little sexual history starts becoming concerning. A thirty-two year old virgin makes you wonder if they have any sort of sex drive at all.
(28.11) Totally Into You Sexually

 

This is the counter point of sorts to the virgin one. Once we were engaged, Jennifer and I pretty much ran roughshod over “the rules” about no sex before marriage. We were still
each other’s first
which is the essential point of the virgin thing, but so sexually activated on each other that we simply did not care what anyone else had to say or think on the matter.

 

My worry about a woman not willing to flex in the engagement period, is that she is simply not sexually interested enough in her man, or has a very low libido. You do need to see obvious sexual interest and eagerness in her for you. You don’t want a used mattress, but you do want a wife that is sexually activated on you.
Chemistry matters, it really, really matters.

 

I think during the engagement period, couples should experiment with each other to ensure there is a sexual compatibility there. Marriage is simply too long of a time to live together if you can’t have an enjoyable sex life. I know of several couples who have discovered an appalling lack of basic sexual compatibility with one another on their wedding night and have had miserable and failed marriages because of it.

 

If you’re only going to have one woman for the rest of your life, it’s just too much to risk relying on blind luck that it’s going to work out. Some spouses actively defraud the other by hiding vital sexual information from the other until after the wedding.
(28.12) Emotion is Not Her Only Tool
Ideally your wife to be should be able to problem solve with something other than her emotion. If you’re running into excess drama over minor issues, and the woman is using tears, anger or moodiness as a problem solving tool, this will not get better over time. Treat it like a Fitness Test a few times, but if you find it keeps coming back at you again and again, just move on. Who wants to spend fifty years with a screechtard whose hobby is giving you a colonoscopy?
(28.13) She Has a Talent

 

I don’t care what the talent is. All you need to see is that she has the willpower and interest to start something and master it. Maybe it’s a musical instrument, maybe it’s ice skating, maybe it’s knitting or gardening or soccer or whatever… it really doesn’t matter.

 

She may very well move from talent to talent over the fifty years together, everything has a season, you just don’t want to get handcuffed to a couch potato that complains you never take her anywhere as her main form of entertainment. She needs to provide some of her own stimulation and interest. You’ll find that you’ll probably share an interest or two over the years that just develops at some point. But if her idea of fun just involves nothing but sitting around eating and drinking at twenty-five, don’t complain about being married to an angry slug at forty-five.
(28.14) That Thing You Really Need

 

There’s usually something that you as a man really need from your wife that you can’t flinch on. Maybe you’re all about politics and are a dyed in the wool Republican and intend to seek office – it really helps if she is Republican too. Maybe you’re Jewish and you just really want a Kosher home – it’s really going to help if she’s Jewish too. Maybe you’re a military guy and will be deployed often – it really helps if she can tolerate being apart and knows what she’s getting into.

 

Whatever it is that you’re really about, if you’re compromising yourself to have her in your life, it’s never going to work. The idea of marriage is not to give up what’s important about you in order to try and mesh together something mediocre together. If you give up what you’re really about to be with her, you’re giving up all your personal power and nerfing your Alpha down to nothing. In time, she will despise you for it.

 

So she should have that compatibility with that one thing you’re really about. Cut her no slack on that issue… and cut a lot more slack on everything else that you really don’t care about.
If you’re a man of any worth, you’re a man about something. It really helps a great deal if she can be on board with that.
(28.15) Almost Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough

 

I had a relationship in college with a girl I badly wanted as my future wife. She was beautiful, smart and we got on great. We hung out all the time, studying in the library every day, lunch every day, coffee, church. I was much less skilled with women at the time, so I mired myself in the Friendzone with her, while every other girl I knew gave me a wide berth because everyone knew how smitten I was with this girl.

 

One day we had started discussing sex, and the frequency of each other’s sexual impulses and horniness came up.
Me:
"About five or six times"
She:
"I dunno once or twice.”
We just stood there looking at each other, waiting...
Me:
"...a day.”
She:
"...a month.”

 

Me:
"Really?"
She:
"Really."
I never considered her again as a possible wife. All done, sorry, you are not the wife I am looking for. I've never really figured out if she just wasn't interested in me, or couldn't really be interested in anyone anyway. I just sure as hell wasn't wasting my one shot at sexual happiness on her.

 

Later I met Jennifer and I made it clear very early on that I was all about the sex. She agreed. We married, it’s been great.

 

Don’t settle.
(28.16) Know That Beauty Fades

 

At some point, her beauty will fade and all that will truly matter is her personality and ability to love. Her character and kindness matter a very great deal over the long term.

 

Shut your eyes and listen to the tone of voice she uses with other people when she thinks you aren’t listening. It can be very revealing…
(28.17) Isn’t In Debt

 

A college loan for a degree that’s related to her job is one thing. Mindless dragging debt she has no hope of paying off is quite another. The same woman that can’t handle money before getting married will likely bankrupt you after getting married.
(28.18) Don’t Marry a Quitter

 

If she has any sort of a pattern of giving up on completing important tasks like her education, keeping a job, or doing major projects simply because they are hard or require effort…

 

 

 

…
she’ll probably quit on
you.
Chapter 29
Marriage 2.0

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