The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (24 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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And for goodness sake... if she ever comes looking for you wearing lingerie...
that’s her initiating sex dumbass!
You have to give her sex right then. No excuses. Make it good for her too.
(11.4) Catch Her Being Good

 

A great move for any team leader is to recognize when someone is contributing to the team. I really recommend paying active attention to your wife and thanking her for the times when she does do things that benefit you and your family. It's an old tactic in dealing with children to try and “catch them when they are being good”. It's no less effective on adults.

 

When your wife does something good, especially something good for you, say
“Thank you.”
She may be holding out on you sexually simply because she has started to resent your lack of appreciation for the good she has done. Fitness Tests thrive in the fertile ground of lack of appreciation.

 

I realize this doesn't sound very Alpha Male and sounds very supplicating, but it actually is a somewhat dominant display. You are not asking for something or for permission, you are thanking her for acts of service you have already received. You need to reward the behavior you are looking for by at least acknowledging that it occurred. Failing to do so is actually a subtle punishment of good behavior and will result in it declining in frequency.

 

If you punish good behavior, you are ultimately starting to force her into thinking about engaging in bad behavior, if only in an attempt to get you to pay attention to her. Often this is why women test their men. Sometimes a Fitness Test is just a play for attention.

 

If by constantly ignoring her you are setting the stage to be Fitness Tested, it really doesn't matter whether you pass the test or not, you're basically screwing her over either way. She’s getting punished for being good and for being bad. Who wants to put up with that for too long? Her best option is to simply leave the relationship.

 

So try saying,
“Thank you.”
It's not that hard and much cheaper than a divorce. It shouldn’t be every single time she is good either, just mix it up and be a little
random
with the praise as it’s more effective that way. (Remember how randomness hooks Nice Guys into repeating their behaviors?)
(11.5) Highly Problematic Behavior

 

Sometimes a basically fine wife has one particular area of being utterly obnoxious. One classic example is lateness, as in not just a little bit late, but seriously offensively late. It’s one thing to be a few minutes late, but trying to find a seat in a movie theater 15 minutes into a movie for the sixth time is just aggravating. The solution is to own whatever half of the equation is really your problem and leave the rest of it as hers to solve.

 

In the case of lateness to a movie, there are two people that are late; she is late and you are late. When it comes down to it, her being late doesn’t really bother you as much as your lateness. What is really annoying you, is that you are letting her control you and make you late. The solution is simple, you get to the movie on time, and she gets there late, but you don’t wait on her like a chump.

 

One option is a sudden surprise where you just leave and she discovers that you are gone and so is your car. She’s messing with her hair and finally finishes and walks into the living room 35 minutes behind schedule and the house is empty, apart from your note saying
“Meet me there; I’ll save you a seat.”
There’s a lot of shock value in this technique, but I worry that it’s too harsh. She may well comply in the future, but it’s going to cost attraction points.

 

I would give her a warning shot about the lateness and frame it as
"I am late and that's not acceptable to me
". Make no mention of her getting ready routine. If she complains or argues, just be a broken record
"I am late and that is not acceptable to me."
Use a firm tone of voice and maintain eye contact.

 

If you’re late for a second event together, give her a second warning shot that
"I have already addressed this once before; I won’t address this again with you. If you are late again, I will leave you behind and you will find your own way there.”
If she wants to debate that, just tell her there’s nothing more to talk about, you’re just informing her what you will do.

 

For a third event of potential lateness, you just leave without her. Don’t even tell her that you’re leaving, just go. If she gets into a pattern of ignoring of fair warnings in the future, you should skip the second warning and jump to the consequence.

 

Of course you have to expect a counter attack if you do this. People rarely give up bad behavior without a fight! Leaving her behind may turn into the unforgivable sin and she may well scream at you. In that moment you have to realize that her behavior is rude and she is blaming you for not supporting her rudeness. Also she may well arrive forty minutes late and mad as a snake and start ripping you up verbally in public for leaving her behind. That’s a whole other level of socially inappropriate behavior toward you.

 

Perhaps in those moments where she transforms into a venomous screechtard, you’ll realize exactly what you married – and want to have a serious think about things and the direction of your life. If she is a wife perhaps you might suggest
“Maybe we consider taking some space from each other for a while to think about things”.
I’d just dump a girlfriend for chewing me up in public on the spot.

 

The way to deal with highly problematic behavior is to figure out what part of the behavior you are responding to and how you are supporting the behavior. Once you identify that, you change your own behavior so that it no longer supports the highly problematic behavior.

 

This works for a great many things. In a family with an alcoholic husband for example, the wife often spends a great deal of time hiding bottles, cleaning up vomit, sneaking the kids around him, calling his work and covering for his absences, lying to everyone in both families as to how it’s not really that bad and so on. There’s usually a whole range of caretaking and supporting things she does for “his problem”. He’d probably not be able to be an alcoholic without her supporting the problem. If she stops all her special assistance and lets him flounder, he’s going to be forced to take care of himself. He’s going to be very angry at her in the short term though.

 

It’s the same with kids who miss the school bus constantly and get a ride to school from mom; there’s no consequence for missing the bus. But if they were loaded into a taxi to get to school and had the fare taken from their allowance, then you would be very likely to see them on time waiting for the bus each day.

 

Or in the case of oversleeping…
“Mom! Why didn’t you wake me up?”
Correct answer:
“Because you have an alarm clock?”
(11.6) Natural Consequences

 

One thing to remember in dealing with highly negative behavior is that it is easy to get into a situation where you cope with the negative behavior and then complain to the other person that you had to cope with it. All that does is empower them to continue doing the behavior, because you have supported them doing it and you also have rewarded them with your attention. It may be negative attention, but it’s attention all the same, so it’s really a reward.

 

The solution is usually to not support the negative behavior and just allow the natural consequences to occur. This way you aren’t actually punishing the other person, you just aren’t saving them from their own bad behavior. Also you aren’t wasting your own time and effort, or rewarding them with extra attention.

 

Let me give an example. Say your wife is terrible at getting up in the morning and oversleeps for work unless you wake her up every morning. Also you complain to her that you have to wake her up and you have arguments about you having to wake her up all the time. She blames you for being late to work if you don’t wake her up.

 

The solution is not to wake her up and just let the natural consequence of being late to work kick in – getting written up at work etc. She’ll probably be angry at you the first time you don’t wake her up, but you just say that it’s not your job to wake her up and walk away from the conversation. Adults get up and go to work. What’s not to know? Very likely it will only take a single instance of this to alter her behavior and magically she will set an alarm and get to work on time the next day.

 

Should she parley this into getting fired, that’s probably an enormously bad sign of things to come. But should she go that route, I would simply cut off her disposable spending – not having money to spend being a natural consequence of not having a job. If you have to, you can always set up a personal account and have your paycheck go in there and not into a joint account.
Plus one would expect a wife without a job would be actively looking for one, or keeping house like a stay at home mom. That would be a natural consequence of not having a job as well. Of course if she can’t keep house, or keep a job, or some reasonable combination thereof…

 

…
it would seem to be a natural consequence that she would not be able to keep a husband either.

 

 

 

 

 

The Golden Rule of Sex Rank.
Never force an ultimatum on your wife if she is hotter than you.
Chapter 12
Don’t be a Chump

 

 

(12.1) Seriously, Don’t be a Chump

 

One classic thing you can do wrong with women is being a chump. You’re a chump when you do something for a woman, hoping to eventually get to have sex with her. The woman, on the other hand knows exactly why you are helping her, but has no intention of ever having sex with you. You may look, but you may not touch. If you masturbate later thinking about the looking and the not touching, she does not want to know about it. You are just a friend and chump be thy name.

 

Just to be clear – if her request was a reasonable one and something that you would do for anyone, it’s not being a chump to comply. But it is being a chump when she holds out sexual “cheese” and you run like a rat through her maze to get it and when you get to the end… there’s no “cheese.”

 

Whether you are single or married, some women will seek to use their attractiveness to influence you into assisting them in some way. Attraction is normal and uncontrollable and you can hardly blame attractive women for using what they’ve got to get what they want. The lead in is usually the same thing as the “I’m a Cute Girl Fitness Test”;
“Oh I need a man to do this thing I need help with”.
For best effect this line is delivered while pushing her breasts together and doing the reverse hand clasp and shoulder roll.

 

If the woman trying this is twenty-two years old and stunning, and you’re a fifty-three year old man with only one medical issue, you are going to feel an enormous primal need to go help her. And by
“help her”
I mean
“have vigorous sex, like your wife of twenty-nine years can only vaguely remember.”
If you go and help her though, you will get nothing for your efforts. To be sure she might say
“Thank you”
or whatever, but let’s be honest, your motivation was sex and you didn’t get the pay off. You’re a chump.

 

Wives can do the same thing to husbands. If she sexually entices you to go do something for her, then you go do it and you get nothing, then you’re a chump. Wives know exactly what they are doing when they do this. To add insult to injury, by agreeing to marry you, she was already promising you a sex life. So in this case, she was negotiating further with you on something she had already agreed to give you and then she didn’t give it to you anyway. You’re a double-chump.

 

The solution to all of this is pretty simple. Payment in advance or properly assured, or she can do it her own damn self. This way you can save yourself time and just skip to the end where you don’t have sex with her.

 

Of course if you evaluate the hotness of the girl and the difficulty of the task fairly, not everything results in vaginal sex being the trade. In the interests of fairness, sometimes a flash of naked boobs, a long kiss, handing over her panties, watching her get herself to orgasm or a blowjob is the socially appropriate exchange. There’s no point being unreasonable…
(12.2) Shrek, Donkey and the Princess Fiona Plan

 

I still struggle with the biological impulse to rush to an unattached attractive woman and help her out. Seeing I’m married, this could get me in all sorts of trouble and is best simply avoided. Either I waste my time and effort and don’t get offered sex, or I waste my time and effort and turn down sex. Either way I waste my time and effort and don’t have sex, so it’s very annoying. I hate the way it’s drilled into my DNA that I should help attractive women. It really does take mental effort to force myself to say
“Good luck with that,”
and walk away.

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