The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (25 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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As a result, I developed a little game that I play that helps me stay in control. If you’re single or looking to screen women, you can play it slightly differently.
What I do is frame myself as Shrek and then come up with a predetermined list of things I would do for a “Donkey” and a second list for things that I would do for a “Princess Fiona”. As it stands, only my wife has Princess Fiona status and the rest of my female friends are Donkeys.
Jennifer holds up her end of the Princess Fiona Plan very well, so I am happy to help her out when she needs it. She helps me out too, so it’s all good. But basically if I rescue a princess, I bang a princess, and we’re clear on that. If I’m in my driveway digging us out of a blizzard, she’s inside trimming pubic hair in preparation for the returning hero. It’s all good.
In comparison to that, I have a horny lonely female friend who posted a recent Facebook status update requesting help to dig her out after the recent heavy snow. In years past I would have blundered over there like a fool, dug her out, wasted two hours of my day and come home tired. Jennifer would have probably been proud of me for helping out a friend.
But my friend is a Donkey so I just ignored the status update. Actually to tell the truth I actively had to resist messaging her,
“I’ll help you with your white stuff, if you help me with some of my white stuff”
and a smiley face. Of course if I had gone over there and actually shoveled her out, Jennifer would have just assumed I had sex with her anyway because she knows about the Donkey and Princess Fiona thing. So thanks to the plan, I get points with Jennifer for being a jerk to other women. It’s freaking genius.
“I’ll help you with your white stuff, if you help me with some of my white stuff”
and a smiley face. Of course if I had gone over there and actually shoveled her out, Jennifer would have just assumed I had sex with her anyway because she knows about the Donkey and Princess Fiona thing. So thanks to the plan, I get points with Jennifer for being a jerk to other women. It’s freaking genius.
(12.3) Shrek, Donkey and Princess Fiona for Screening Women
If you’re single, you can use this game to screen women. Assuming they know of the films, you just ask,
“If I was Shrek, would you be Donkey or Princess Fiona?"
“If I was Shrek, would you be Donkey or Princess Fiona?"
Pretty much as soon as you ask that, she knows exactly the question you are really asking;
"Are you ready to have sex/seriously romantically interested?"
"Are you ready to have sex/seriously romantically interested?"
If the answer is
"Princess Fiona",
then you follow up with,
"Well you know that Shrek and Fiona totally have sex right?"
This will be fine because she is quite interested in you. You should get a positive laugh reaction from that. Continue gaming her, this one is in the bag.
"Princess Fiona",
then you follow up with,
"Well you know that Shrek and Fiona totally have sex right?"
This will be fine because she is quite interested in you. You should get a positive laugh reaction from that. Continue gaming her, this one is in the bag.
If the answer is
"Donkey",
then you follow up with,
"Oh great, I need a beast of burden"
and then you ask her to perform whatever trivial task you can think of…nothing insulting, just small. Most women will want to resist calling themselves the non-princess option, so it really is a fairly clear not ready/not interested signal from them.
"Donkey",
then you follow up with,
"Oh great, I need a beast of burden"
and then you ask her to perform whatever trivial task you can think of…nothing insulting, just small. Most women will want to resist calling themselves the non-princess option, so it really is a fairly clear not ready/not interested signal from them.
The beauty of this is you can keep it going for months into the future as kind of a small running gag. A Princess Fiona will get one kind of treatment from you and a Donkey will get another. You just stop wasting much time on the Donkeys and you spend time and effort on the Princess Fionas. You don't have to treat Donkeys badly, you just keep them friend boxed and don't get suckered into their attempts to chump you into doing something for them.
So this...
Hot Girl Out Of Reach:
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
Chump:
"I'll be right over!"
"I'll be right over!"
(Chump moves all the heavy boxes for two hours.)
Hot Girl Out Of Reach:
"Thanks! You're a great friend."
"Thanks! You're a great friend."
Chump:
“How about a kiss?”
“How about a kiss?”
Hot Girl Out Of Reach:
“Ewwww that would be like kissing my brother.”
“Ewwww that would be like kissing my brother.”
(Chump goes home and masturbates.)
Turns into...
Donkey:
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
Shrek:
"Well I'd love to, but that sort of thing is really on the Princess Fiona plan."
"Well I'd love to, but that sort of thing is really on the Princess Fiona plan."
Donkey:
"But these boxes are so heavy and I really need your help".
"But these boxes are so heavy and I really need your help".
Shrek:
"Well you really need your man to help you... hang on hang on... were you just asking me to be your man?"
"Well you really need your man to help you... hang on hang on... were you just asking me to be your man?"
Then you try and close for a date of some kind, before attempting the task she is looking for.
Also having got a Princess Fiona...
Princess Fiona:
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
"Can you come over and help me move all these heavy boxes in my basement?"
Shrek:
"Sure I'll come over you in the basement."
"Sure I'll come over you in the basement."
Princess Fiona:
"Shrek!"
"Shrek!"
Shrek:
"(heh heh heh) I'll take that as a later baby... so what boxes?"
"(heh heh heh) I'll take that as a later baby... so what boxes?"
If you really want to have fun with it...
Shrek:
"Hey Donkey I need your help. I want to take Princess Fiona somewhere really nice for dinner, what's your favorite place that's romantic?"
"Hey Donkey I need your help. I want to take Princess Fiona somewhere really nice for dinner, what's your favorite place that's romantic?"
Donkey:
"Well if it's romantic I love the Enchanted Grotto."
"Well if it's romantic I love the Enchanted Grotto."
Shrek:
"Of course! The Enchanted Grotto! You're such a good friend.”
"Of course! The Enchanted Grotto! You're such a good friend.”
Donkey: (thinks…
“Crap I should have said Princess Fiona when he asked. I want to eat in the Enchanted Grotto too; maybe I could be a Cinderella on the side…”)
“Crap I should have said Princess Fiona when he asked. I want to eat in the Enchanted Grotto too; maybe I could be a Cinderella on the side…”)
The key to all this is that you are framing yourself as the emotional pivot and they have to make a choice about you, not you about them. That’s a very Alpha frame of reference. They can’t reject you this way; they can only choose to be one of two outcomes in relation to you and you don’t care which. This is exactly the same thing I used to do with my daughters when they were little…
…”
Do you want to be mad and stay home, or do you want to clean your room and come to the park?”
Do you want to be mad and stay home, or do you want to clean your room and come to the park?”
And to a grown woman of interest…
…”
Do you want to handle your own crap, or do you want me to be around to help out and lay you like tile?”
Do you want to handle your own crap, or do you want me to be around to help out and lay you like tile?”
Also if you’re framing yourself as Shrek, you don’t have to bother much with pretending you’re Prince Charming.
Chapter 13
Sexual Judo
(13.1) Your Wife has a Sex Drive
This may come as a surprise to some of you, but your wife has a sex drive. Oh to be sure you may not be seeing much evidence of it, but trust me, it’s there. As long as there’s not some kind of medical or childhood sexual abuse issue blocking her sex drive, she likely has a good sex drive. I get as many emails from women bewailing their husbands’ low sex drive as I do from men. Women love sex. They are just awfully good at hiding it sometimes.
If you have a lower Sex Rank than her though, much of her sex drive is going to look like it’s just drying up on you. She’s just not going to feel “in the mood” and can be as confused by this as you are. But it is very important to understand that while she is less sexually responsive to
you
, her sex drive will continue on fairly unchanged. She might masturbate a lot when you aren’t around, or she might not. But when a sexier man than you comes within her frame of reference, she might become very interested in him very quickly.
you
, her sex drive will continue on fairly unchanged. She might masturbate a lot when you aren’t around, or she might not. But when a sexier man than you comes within her frame of reference, she might become very interested in him very quickly.
Husbands discovering affairs are hurt at the deceit of the affair, but are also often utterly shocked at the depth of her sexual response to her lover. The same husband who angrily complains that
“She
just lies there and never does anything!”
can barely comprehend the hidden camera evidence of her squealing and bouncing on top of some guy.
“She said blowjobs were disgusting!”
But there she is, head bobbing up and down and moaning. It’s a cruel stab in the chest to suddenly understand what she meant was
“Giving blowjobs to you is disgusting.”
“She
just lies there and never does anything!”
can barely comprehend the hidden camera evidence of her squealing and bouncing on top of some guy.
“She said blowjobs were disgusting!”
But there she is, head bobbing up and down and moaning. It’s a cruel stab in the chest to suddenly understand what she meant was
“Giving blowjobs to you is disgusting.”
Take a long look at your darling bride for a moment. Unless there’s something medically or psychiatrically wrong with her,
she likes sex.
Think about that for a moment. She actually likes sex. She wants it. It’s in her DNA to like sex. She’s the product of millions of years of evolutionary sexual selection where the people who screwed around the best got to pass their genes to the next generation tens of thousands of times over. Your wife is from a long line of sluts.
she likes sex.
Think about that for a moment. She actually likes sex. She wants it. It’s in her DNA to like sex. She’s the product of millions of years of evolutionary sexual selection where the people who screwed around the best got to pass their genes to the next generation tens of thousands of times over. Your wife is from a long line of sluts.
(13.2) Protection Shields
Because women don’t want to have sex with men they aren’t attracted to, they block his advances with their shields. Everything they say or do to avoid sex with you is part of their shielding. All that stuff that women say in bars like
“I have a boyfriend”, “My friends need me”, “I have to go”, “I’m just getting over a break up”,
are part of their protection shields. In married women you get exactly the same thing, they just use different content:
“I have a headache”, “Not now”, “I’m so tired”, “I need to answer this email tonight”, “Let’s do this tomorrow”.
“I have a boyfriend”, “My friends need me”, “I have to go”, “I’m just getting over a break up”,
are part of their protection shields. In married women you get exactly the same thing, they just use different content:
“I have a headache”, “Not now”, “I’m so tired”, “I need to answer this email tonight”, “Let’s do this tomorrow”.
Wives can also try and physically avoid you and do things like: going to bed either very early or very late, wearing horrible underwear, wearing full-length pajamas and having personal hygiene routines that you can’t interrupt (how do you have sex with someone wearing a facial mask to bed?). Also there’s the old-fashioned brush off when you touch her. Every time you try and pressure her for the sex she doesn’t really want, her shields come up. Often the harder you push her, the stronger her shields get.
Once you understand her natural sluttiness, you can start to see that there’s no point trying to pressure her to have sex with you. It’s not like you are trying to make a non sexual woman act sexually. She
is
a sexual woman already. The only thing that putting pressure on her when she’s not sexually attracted to you will do is make her act defensively towards you and put up her shields. By actually reducing the pressure on her to initiate sex, blow you, wear the lingerie, or whatever, she’s got no reason to get her shields up.
is
a sexual woman already. The only thing that putting pressure on her when she’s not sexually attracted to you will do is make her act defensively towards you and put up her shields. By actually reducing the pressure on her to initiate sex, blow you, wear the lingerie, or whatever, she’s got no reason to get her shields up.
(13.3) Sexual Judo
When you stop pushing on her, all that’s left motivating her sexual behavior is her own sex drive. Once you start displaying attractiveness, she will be compelled by her own sex drive to start paying you attention. She should start coming on to you. It’s a sort of Sexual Judo where you use her own strength against her. She’s not going to shield herself from doing something with you that she wants to do.
Of course in The MAP chapter I said that she would either respond or she wouldn’t and that still holds true. If she does, then great, but if not, well then you keep going with The MAP and worst comes to worst, you find someone new. Either way you have a sex life.
(13.4) Her Orgasm is Not Your Responsibility
It's a classic Nice Guy trap to think that you are somehow responsible for your wife's orgasm. Assuming she doesn’t have a medical issue, if she doesn’t orgasm it doesn’t mean that you are a bad lover; it means
she’s
a bad lover.
she’s
a bad lover.
The wife's orgasms are up to her. It doesn't mean she has to masturbate after being pumped and dumped on her side of the bed by an oaf of a husband night after night, it means that she can't just lie there while you expect to magically divine and perform what it takes to get her off.
It used to be common that a woman lied to a man and faked an orgasm to let him think he was a wonderful lover, or simply to have the beast stop doing whatever the hell he was trying to do on top of her. But by faking it, all that happens is she ensures that she doesn’t get the sex she wants. The whole scene in the Diner in the movie
“When Harry Met Sally”,
where Meg Ryan fakes a screaming orgasm isn't classic comedy, it's epic fail. Her character was groaning and moaning
"I'm really skilled at getting myself bad sex that I don't like".
When a woman fakes an orgasm, it’s the woman that doesn’t get the orgasm. It doesn’t really affect the man’s orgasm, in fact he’s probably happily blowing her vagina full of semen and thinking he can take a nap.
“When Harry Met Sally”,
where Meg Ryan fakes a screaming orgasm isn't classic comedy, it's epic fail. Her character was groaning and moaning
"I'm really skilled at getting myself bad sex that I don't like".
When a woman fakes an orgasm, it’s the woman that doesn’t get the orgasm. It doesn’t really affect the man’s orgasm, in fact he’s probably happily blowing her vagina full of semen and thinking he can take a nap.
If she wants an orgasm, she needs to take responsibility for it and say what works and what doesn't and co-create that with you. If she doesn't want an orgasm on a particular night, you shouldn't feel the need to give her one. If she wants three, then work together for that. If she just wants you to have your fun with her and not try for an orgasm herself, then just go for it. If you don’t take advantage of those opportunities when she offers them, you are on some level sexually rejecting her. Seriously think about that...
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