The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (27 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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When you are marrying a sexually inexperienced "good girl,” you need to be particularly open to the possibility of change. Ten years into a marriage a thirty-four year old is going to feel far more confident than the twenty-four year old she was. If you scrunch her into the "good girl" mantle forevermore, she may start seeing you as the
jailer
of her sexuality. If she decides to plot some little escapes, you'll be the last to know.
jailer
of her sexuality. If she decides to plot some little escapes, you'll be the last to know.
Half the reason women like the Bad Boys so much is that they get to play the role of Bad Girl.
(14.2) How to Get Her to Dress Sexier
This is easy.
You
dress more sexily.
You
dress more sexily.
I'll pad out this section with my usual rhetoric about women calibrating themselves to their man, but I think you guys should be getting this by now. The only person in your relationship you can really control is you.
If your wife is a 7 and badly dressed, your begging/pleading/ demanding that she turn into an 8 is nothing but hot air at best and a Display of Low Value at worst. The solution is that you turn yourself from a 7 to an 8 and she'll probably calibrate herself to an 8 shortly afterward.
Your mere
talk
to encourage her to dress better is a waste of effort compared to your just pulling your own look together. Trust me on this, no woman wants to be tagging along after her man while he's Peacocking some threads and she looks like she's shopping at Goodwill. She's automatically going to up her game to keep pace with him. She knows in the pit of her stomach that if she doesn't step it up, some other woman will take notice of the incongruence between the couple and possibly start moving in on her man. Or Mr. Peacock will take notice and accidentally meet someone for some completely harmless coffee sometime.
talk
to encourage her to dress better is a waste of effort compared to your just pulling your own look together. Trust me on this, no woman wants to be tagging along after her man while he's Peacocking some threads and she looks like she's shopping at Goodwill. She's automatically going to up her game to keep pace with him. She knows in the pit of her stomach that if she doesn't step it up, some other woman will take notice of the incongruence between the couple and possibly start moving in on her man. Or Mr. Peacock will take notice and accidentally meet someone for some completely harmless coffee sometime.
There's usually a bit of a lag between upping your Sex Rank and her doing the same, but if you keep at it long enough she will likely respond. Women tend to disbelieve their husbands are actually improving themselves at first. And like I've said before, if you keep upping your Sex Rank and she doesn't respond, you're in a better place to attract someone new into your life.
When your wife shows off some skin, stare and get caught at it. She’s trying to pull male attention when she shows off her legs or boobs. Why shouldn’t she get that attention from you?
(14.3) How to Get Her to Wear Lingerie
It’s easy.
You
wear lingerie.
You
wear lingerie.
Oh relax, I didn’t say you have to get yourself up into a lace teddy and fishnets. What you should do is get yourself some nice silk boxer shorts and wear them to bed. Have her experience the enjoyment of feeling them on you and playing with you in them. Flirt a little, tease her, play with her. Let her experience the moment of thrill when you finally take them off and your cock pops free. After that you can start suggesting that she tries wearing some for herself.
Go online shopping for lingerie together. There are plenty of stores online to choose from. You can sift through hundreds of items and pull out eight to ten things that you might like, then she can look through those and choose the ones she likes best.
Do bear in mind that 95% of all lingerie only looks good on lingerie models and professional transvestites. Most real women have nothing but an acute sense of embarrassment when trying to wear something the size of a Post-It note spread over their entire body. So if she tells you that something is going to look bad on her, it’s pointless to buy it as it’s going to make her feel less sexy when she wears it.
Lingerie is a
play
item, so you can make a lot more progress in
playing
with her while she’s wearing a fun sleep shirt and a silky thong than with just about anything else. If it makes her feel stupid and fat, her shields will come way up.
play
item, so you can make a lot more progress in
playing
with her while she’s wearing a fun sleep shirt and a silky thong than with just about anything else. If it makes her feel stupid and fat, her shields will come way up.
(14.4) How to Get Her to Use Sex Toys
Wait for it, wait for it…
This is easy.
You
buy some sex toys for you.
You
buy some sex toys for you.
Go find a sex toy that you want used on you and bring it home and try it out together. Perhaps a small butt plug (try a SMALL butt plug before you get anything larger. Just trust me on this, I’m okay, but
damn
that hurt) or a cock ring. Perhaps you could try a masturbation sleeve, or handcuffs or a blindfold…all intended for use on you.
damn
that hurt) or a cock ring. Perhaps you could try a masturbation sleeve, or handcuffs or a blindfold…all intended for use on you.
After you’ve tried a couple of things out on you and you’ve
played
with them together, she’s more likely to be open to having something
played
with on her. Don’t reach for a 12-inch angry dildo as a starting point either; find something she’s comfortable with and more likely to enjoy.
played
with them together, she’s more likely to be open to having something
played
with on her. Don’t reach for a 12-inch angry dildo as a starting point either; find something she’s comfortable with and more likely to enjoy.
Jennifer and I used to watch
“Sex and the City”
on HBO back in the day. One episode had a plot line about Miranda getting hooked on a vibrator called “The Rabbit.” So naturally we got one of those as her first vibe.
“Sex and the City”
on HBO back in the day. One episode had a plot line about Miranda getting hooked on a vibrator called “The Rabbit.” So naturally we got one of those as her first vibe.
(14.5) How to Get Your Wife to Watch Porn with You
Okay, you got me on this one - you’re already watching porn aren’t you.
Porn is a contentious issue. Many people view it as immoral and against their religious beliefs. If that’s you, then I generally advise you not to break your own moral code.
However even without a moral or religious issue with porn, most wives have some general concerns about porn use. Such as:
1.
Allowing you to watch porn is going to open the door to something she really doesn't want, like your being a total porn-dog and ignoring her or being less into her.
Allowing you to watch porn is going to open the door to something she really doesn't want, like your being a total porn-dog and ignoring her or being less into her.
2.
Watching porn is just going to be awkward, embarrassing or just offensive.
Watching porn is just going to be awkward, embarrassing or just offensive.
3.
You thinking less of her for watching it; the good girl image can die hard.
You thinking less of her for watching it; the good girl image can die hard.
4.
She may actually be worried that she will like it.
She may actually be worried that she will like it.
My personal view of porn is that
"It isn't a problem, until it is a problem.”
Often things that are really fun and enjoyable become much less so and even destructive if abused. Take bacon for example - bacon is the most wonderful food in all of human history and probably will never be displaced from that status. Bacon is crunchy and tasty and fatty and delicious. A salad with bacon is just a game of hide-and-seek the bacon.
"It isn't a problem, until it is a problem.”
Often things that are really fun and enjoyable become much less so and even destructive if abused. Take bacon for example - bacon is the most wonderful food in all of human history and probably will never be displaced from that status. Bacon is crunchy and tasty and fatty and delicious. A salad with bacon is just a game of hide-and-seek the bacon.
I could eat pounds of bacon all day, though and therein lies the problem. My heart would eventually stop from the extra hundreds of pounds of body weight gained from my bacon consumption. One possible solution is to just ban bacon, but who wants to live in a world without bacon? Well maybe pigs do, but that's not the point.
So anyway, I eat bacon, just not lots of it. Despite the fact that I avoid my doctor and cholesterol lab work, I'm fairly sure that for me, bacon is not a problem. All things in moderation being the key.
So to me, a few viewings of porn a month isn't really a problem. Especially if there is still enough weekly sex happening that both spouses are happy with their sex lives. If it was a case of the husband sneaking multiple episodes of heavy porn viewing a week and then not being able to have sex with the wife, then that's a problem. If you got fired for watching porn at work, that's a problem. If your children are all hungry and crying because you were meant to be watching them and you just watched porn instead, that's a problem. If you start making a pot of oatmeal and sneak away for a minute to watch some porn and you discover an hour later that you are trying to smelt oatmeal, then that's a problem.
For some people watching porn actually aids in their sustaining a monogamous relationship. There is a strong natural inclination to both create a primary relationship, but also an impulse to try and sneak something extra on the side with no strings attached. Particularly the male Body Agenda fuels this impulse as a few minutes of fun can result in an extra offspring. So an erotic video can actually go some distance to meeting that built-in need for variety and excitement. I'm not saying that if the porn gets banned from your house that you’ll end up automatically cheating, but I do think it can play a moderating influence on that promiscuous impulse.
The trouble is that so much porn is just bad. And by bad, I mean pathetically awful. Modern adult stores are overwhelming in the supply of titles that somehow all look nearly the same. Personally when I get surrounded by 1000 DVD titles with a picture of tits and a vagina on the front cover, I start shutting down from the over-choice. There's bad acting and then there's the stilted dialogue and faux orgasmic wailing of porn. Sometimes porn is just better with the sound off. And then there's the Internet, which is like the interstate system of porn. Got a particular kink? The Internet can hook you up with so much of it that you'll be sorry you asked.
Sometimes less is more. Rather than reach for
"Anal Gang Bang Cumwhores 23"
as the starting point, you can tone it down to something explicit but also sex ed in tone. About a decade ago Jennifer and I watched
“The Better Sex Video Series”
together. Being sex crazed, I'm not sure I personally learned terribly much new, but it had good production values and was helpful at opening up things between us. Plus Jennifer was basically drenched in readiness for me after watching them, so I’m pretty sure she liked it.
Sometimes less is more. Rather than reach for
"Anal Gang Bang Cumwhores 23"
as the starting point, you can tone it down to something explicit but also sex ed in tone. About a decade ago Jennifer and I watched
“The Better Sex Video Series”
together. Being sex crazed, I'm not sure I personally learned terribly much new, but it had good production values and was helpful at opening up things between us. Plus Jennifer was basically drenched in readiness for me after watching them, so I’m pretty sure she liked it.
Make watching porn together more of a romantic time together. Slip into your silk boxers and cuddle up together on the couch with a glass of wine and watch some explicit sex ed. It's a great idea to fondle each other while you watch too. Plan ahead and have a washable something spread on the couch under you both; avoid the
“where are the body fluids going to fly?”
logistical cockblock.
“where are the body fluids going to fly?”
logistical cockblock.
Actually as I recall when we watched the first video in
“The Better Sex Series”
together, I hauled the whole mattress off the bed and dragged it to the living room in front of the TV. But then I am the master of subtlety aren't I.
“The Better Sex Series”
together, I hauled the whole mattress off the bed and dragged it to the living room in front of the TV. But then I am the master of subtlety aren't I.
Over time you can start stepping it up to something more racy and explicit if she likes it. Baby steps are the way to go.
(14.6) The Question to ask About Porn
When I watch porn, is the sex with my wife getting better or worse?
(14.7) Use Porn, Don’t Abuse Porn
My general advice is very simple - your wife comes before porn. I don’t care how much I watch, but if I do watch, I don’t masturbate to orgasm unless Jennifer has passed on sex for the night and I can’t fall asleep which is fairly rare. Most couples get into problems when the porn becomes a tool for one of them to meet their needs for sexual release without their partner being involved. If the husband orgasms without his wife, he can’t then immediately have sex with her, even if he wanted to; he’s all done for the day.
What moderate porn use can do however, is create a sexual charge for one or both of the couple, which then can be used as fuel for more intense sex together. Most women are not going to have a problem with their man watching a moderate amount of porn, getting sexually wound up and then unleashing that pent up need as a great flood inside her vagina.
The wives gaining a sexual charge from watching porn together is exactly what most husbands want to happen. He wants her all wound up and taking that pent up desire out on him!
(14.8) What She Means by Saying “I’m Bored”
I do think dressing sexy, lingerie, sex toys and a little porn can greatly improve both her and your sex drive and desire for each other. Monogamy is not always easy and in some ways – if you remember the Body Agenda chapter – is somewhat unnatural. The problem with monogamy isn’t that it doesn’t work, but that it does work and is so successful. All that monogamy promises is a happy family, nice home, steady jobs, and well behaved kids…just with the same old pussy and penis forever and ever. It can get a little boring at times, thus the need to purposely enrich your sexual environment together.
You need to pay particular attention to her when she says
"I'm bored.”
On the surface that doesn't really get many guys’ attention because it doesn’t sound critical. She’s not yelling or screaming, she’s just bored… so it’s easy to ignore her saying it.
"I'm bored.”
On the surface that doesn't really get many guys’ attention because it doesn’t sound critical. She’s not yelling or screaming, she’s just bored… so it’s easy to ignore her saying it.
However, you have to remember that most women have a submissive element to their personality in relation to their love interest, meaning they actually can get stimulation from being submissive to a man. The word "stimulation" is carefully chosen, it's not so much pleasure or enjoyment as the right sort of thing to activate their sexual interest. What she’s really saying when she says "
I'm bored"
is
"I'm not getting my submissive itch scratched. I'm just sitting around waiting for you to make something happen so I can react sexually to you.”
I'm bored"
is
"I'm not getting my submissive itch scratched. I'm just sitting around waiting for you to make something happen so I can react sexually to you.”
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