The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (23 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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For the Nice Guy, the problem isn't that he
never
gets what he wants; the problem is he
sometimes
gets what he wants. It’s not that she never has sex with him, but that she drip feeds it to him.
Rather than understanding that the Nice Guy strategy is a losing strategy, he mistakenly believes that it is in fact a winning strategy. Rather than altering the strategy
he resolves to be even nicer to her
. The thought process is that nice does affect her and that by being even nicer, she will reward him more frequently (i.e. "be in the mood"). After all, he thinks to himself... on the nights that she did have sex with him he was being nice, so nice must have an effect, so therefore... increase the nice! It's the same dopamine driven approach as someone buying not just one lottery ticket, but dozens in the belief that more chances to win are better. Or like the rat in the cage hammering on the lever that drops food pellets at random.
Ultimately though, his Nice Guy strategy has a negative effect on her sexual interest level in him. He's always going to be nice, so she can do whatever she wants. She can drip feed him sex once every two to four weeks for years on end. If she carefully manages his frustration level so he doesn’t flee the relationship, she can avoid a great deal of the more mundane tasks of everyday life and have a guy handing over his paycheck to her to boot.
never
gets what he wants; the problem is he
sometimes
gets what he wants. It’s not that she never has sex with him, but that she drip feeds it to him.
Rather than understanding that the Nice Guy strategy is a losing strategy, he mistakenly believes that it is in fact a winning strategy. Rather than altering the strategy
he resolves to be even nicer to her
. The thought process is that nice does affect her and that by being even nicer, she will reward him more frequently (i.e. "be in the mood"). After all, he thinks to himself... on the nights that she did have sex with him he was being nice, so nice must have an effect, so therefore... increase the nice! It's the same dopamine driven approach as someone buying not just one lottery ticket, but dozens in the belief that more chances to win are better. Or like the rat in the cage hammering on the lever that drops food pellets at random.
Ultimately though, his Nice Guy strategy has a negative effect on her sexual interest level in him. He's always going to be nice, so she can do whatever she wants. She can drip feed him sex once every two to four weeks for years on end. If she carefully manages his frustration level so he doesn’t flee the relationship, she can avoid a great deal of the more mundane tasks of everyday life and have a guy handing over his paycheck to her to boot.
Very importantly, more than likely this is all done completely subconsciously on her part and stems from her overall sexual disinterest in him. She’s also, far more likely than not, quite unhappy in her marriage.
(10.8) The “Tit for Tat” Solution
The “nice” or “mean” game I described earlier is essentially an iterated version of the classic game “Prisoners Dilemma”. In Prisoners Dilemma, two criminals have to make a decision between “plea bargain” and “stick to the lie”. If one plea bargains and the other sticks to the lie, one gets a much reduced sentence and the other goes to jail for a very long time. If both plea bargain they both go to jail for a moderate time. If both stick to the lie they both stay out of jail.
In an iterated game of Prisoners Dilemma, the game is played over multiple rounds and the memory of previous choices of the opponent is known and can affect the future rounds of play. This game has been extensively studied and the winning solution to iterated Prisoners Dilemma turns out to be a very simple “Tit for Tat” strategy.
In a Tit for Tat strategy, the default plan is to be nice to the opponent, but if the opponent is ever mean, the Tit for Tat will play the mean card right back at the opponent until they decide to play the nice card again. Once playing the nice card, Tat for Tit will resume being nice. It is utterly simple and utterly effective. Summarizing some key points of the Tit for Tat strategy, there are four key values in a Tit for Tat strategy. (I have altered some language below to reflect my emphasis on it as an interpersonal strategy, otherwise please consider it sourced from the excellent Wikipedia page on Prisoners Dilemma.)
Peaceful
– The most important condition is that the strategy must be peaceful, that is, it will not defect before its opponent does and is “optimistic”. From purely selfish reasons a peaceful strategy won’t cheat on an opponent because the best chance for getting the highest scores is possible that way.
– The most important condition is that the strategy must be peaceful, that is, it will not defect before its opponent does and is “optimistic”. From purely selfish reasons a peaceful strategy won’t cheat on an opponent because the best chance for getting the highest scores is possible that way.
Retaliating
– However, the successful strategy must not be a blind optimist. It must sometimes retaliate. An example of a non-retaliating strategy is the Nice Guy strategy, which is a very bad choice, as "nasty" strategies will ruthlessly exploit such players.
– However, the successful strategy must not be a blind optimist. It must sometimes retaliate. An example of a non-retaliating strategy is the Nice Guy strategy, which is a very bad choice, as "nasty" strategies will ruthlessly exploit such players.
Forgiving
– Successful strategies must also be forgiving. Though players will retaliate, they will once again fall back to peaceful cooperation if the opponent will also cooperate. This stops getting mired in long runs of revenge and counter-revenge and will maximize points.
– Successful strategies must also be forgiving. Though players will retaliate, they will once again fall back to peaceful cooperation if the opponent will also cooperate. This stops getting mired in long runs of revenge and counter-revenge and will maximize points.
Non-envious
– The last quality is being non-envious and not striving to score more than the opponent. In trying to score more points than an opponent, you are forced into trying attempts to “win” by being non-peaceful. By being non-envious you accept that while you can get a high score in Prisoner’s Dilemma, the best you can do is
tie
your opponents score. You can’t actually “win” without giving up the peaceful element.
– The last quality is being non-envious and not striving to score more than the opponent. In trying to score more points than an opponent, you are forced into trying attempts to “win” by being non-peaceful. By being non-envious you accept that while you can get a high score in Prisoner’s Dilemma, the best you can do is
tie
your opponents score. You can’t actually “win” without giving up the peaceful element.
(10.9) Be a Nice Guy with a Hard Edge
Coming back to understanding marriage – if you see your wife trying to sucker you into a Fitness Test, you just have to see that test as her as playing a “mean” card at you. So you just retaliate against it and are “mean” back at her by declining to meet her Fitness Test demands. Once she backs down and behaves better, you resume being nice to her. It’s all that simple.
If you have been locked into the Nice Guy routine for several years and are having a non-existent sex life, there's no point trying to ask the wife to be nicer and offer up sex more often. Like I've said many times, talk is near pointless in changing behavior while action is a much faster route and often the only tactic that works anyway.
The solution to not being taken advantage of is simple self assertion. Say
“No”
and tell her to do her own crap for a change. If you were only going to get sex once this month for a hundred hours of domestic service, you may as well just take the month off and see what happens.
“No”
and tell her to do her own crap for a change. If you were only going to get sex once this month for a hundred hours of domestic service, you may as well just take the month off and see what happens.
Chapter 11
Behavior Modification 101
(11.1) Everything is a Behavior
Behavior modification always sounds scary, like there are going to be guys in white lab coats giving rats electric shocks and making notes on clipboards. In reality though, behavior modification is always happening. Every time you have a social interaction with someone, both you and the other person are performing some sort of “behavior”. If you get on a bus and pay the bus driver and take a seat on the bus, you are behaving like a bus passenger. The bus driver is behaving like a bus driver.
Every time you interact with someone, you are establishing a routine as to how future interactions with that person will go. If I meet you and bump you out of my way rudely and you don’t do anything about it, the next time we meet you’re probably going to get out of my way automatically. We would have both trained each other as to how we would interact in the future.
Because husbands and wives interact with each other constantly, they create deep patterns of interaction with one another. I’m sure you’ve experienced occasions where you and your wife have held a conversation, that reads like a script of the last six times you had the same conversation. Breaking out of those patterns of interaction requires some extra effort and thought.
The key remains the same though – you can’t usually change her behavior simply by asking for it. You can change your own behavior and that can spark a change her behavior. The two core behavior changes to make are to be sure that you reward her positive behavior and that you do not reward her negative behavior.
(11.2) Reward Positive Behavior
One thing you must do is to positively reward the sexual (or other) behavior you seek from your wife. This sounds simple, but it’s very possible to totally screw the whole thing up accidentally if you are not being somewhat mindful of this basic point.
Here’s an example…
Mike has long complained that Cindy never initiates sex. Cindy says she wants sex and is happy to have sex when Mike suggests it, but
“just doesn’t think of it”.
Every so often the issue comes up and is rehashed and no progress is made. Occasionally Mike freezes Cindy out and waits for her to get horny and initiate, but after a couple of weeks he folds and initiates anyway. Cindy knows Mike is angry after these freeze-out periods and she cries either during or right after the sex that breaks the freeze.
“just doesn’t think of it”.
Every so often the issue comes up and is rehashed and no progress is made. Occasionally Mike freezes Cindy out and waits for her to get horny and initiate, but after a couple of weeks he folds and initiates anyway. Cindy knows Mike is angry after these freeze-out periods and she cries either during or right after the sex that breaks the freeze.
During a Saturday afternoon when their son is at a friend’s house, Cindy gets the thought in her head to actually have sex with Mike. Happy and proud of herself, she seeks him out and makes an attempt to remove his belt and unbuckle his pants. Mike is taken somewhat unaware of her intention and asks,
“What are you doing?”
while bringing his arms up defensively. When she explains she was trying to start sex, he tells her,
“Not now.”
Cindy is badly hurt by this. Seven months later when Mike complains she never initiates sex, Cindy explodes on Mike and the D word is mentioned in her ranting.
“What are you doing?”
while bringing his arms up defensively. When she explains she was trying to start sex, he tells her,
“Not now.”
Cindy is badly hurt by this. Seven months later when Mike complains she never initiates sex, Cindy explodes on Mike and the D word is mentioned in her ranting.
It’s not rocket science to figure out that Mike really blew it when she came on to him. So here’s the deal: if you’re asking for something special sexually, and you get it, make sure you accept it and acknowledge that you got it. Otherwise you can make things much worse.
That said, the best positive reward is not usually your spoken praise – that can sound awfully stilted and can draw attention to the fact that you are actively trying to positively reward her. The best reward you can hand out to your wife in bed is your obvious enjoyment of what she is doing with you. You don’t have to turn into a screamer, but you certainly should at least turn into a moaner and groaner. Try a heartfelt
“mmmmmm”
or two.
“That’s so good”, “I want this to last forever”, “You’re amazing.”
“mmmmmm”
or two.
“That’s so good”, “I want this to last forever”, “You’re amazing.”
When she is acting sexy the way you want, don’t withdraw from her. Lean into it and let her know you’re turned on and follow through on the impulse. The correct way to frame it is not that you like that she is doing what you have asked, but that she is inherently sexy and you are turned on by her. The difference between
“Oh baby you are so compliant to my direction”
and
“oh baby you make me so hard I’m gonna blow it if you don’t stop”
is important. You want her to feel sexy and if she doesn’t have the self-image of being a sexy woman (if only with you), you very much want that to develop.
“Oh baby you are so compliant to my direction”
and
“oh baby you make me so hard I’m gonna blow it if you don’t stop”
is important. You want her to feel sexy and if she doesn’t have the self-image of being a sexy woman (if only with you), you very much want that to develop.
The right time to follow up with “verbalized praise” is the next day. Remember during the act itself, you were hopefully so into the moment of her that you could hardly think. The next day it’s okay to think. Text her something like
“You were amazing last night”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”,
or
“Okay I give up. Where did you learn XYZ? I’m hard again thinking about it.”
“You were amazing last night”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”,
or
“Okay I give up. Where did you learn XYZ? I’m hard again thinking about it.”
(11.3) Don’t Reward Negative Behavior
In terms of negatively rewarding sexual behavior you don’t want, (i.e. not getting any) the best response is for you to not react in an overtly negative way toward her. Don’t become angry, frustrated, insulting, bad tempered, grumpy, sullen or otherwise freeze her out. All that drama will just underline that she has power over you to affect you by denying you sex. By having an emotional reaction about not getting sex, you are making it clear to her that she has enormous leverage over you by giving or not giving you sex. If you’re running The MAP and getting better at interacting with and attracting other women, her endlessly denying you sex should become less and less of a lever to use against you anyway.
If she declines sex and you have a temper tantrum, not only is it childish, but you turn her into someone that can make you have a tantrum. The best approach is simply to minimize attention to what you don’t want and to continue on with your day. It is highly counter-intuitive, but nearly any form of attention is a positive reward, even if the attention given is negative in nature. This effect is easily seen in badly behaved children, who do so for the express purpose of gaining their parents attention.
Again, be careful not to frame it as
“Please pay attention to the way I am minimizing attention to what I didn’t want to see”,
but simply that if you weren’t going to do XYZ with her, you were just going to go ahead and do ABC. If she wants to tag along with ABC she can, but you intend to do it regardless. It’s just a natural consequence of her not wanting to be with you.
“Please pay attention to the way I am minimizing attention to what I didn’t want to see”,
but simply that if you weren’t going to do XYZ with her, you were just going to go ahead and do ABC. If she wants to tag along with ABC she can, but you intend to do it regardless. It’s just a natural consequence of her not wanting to be with you.
So if she declines sex, it’s no big deal to you. Maybe you’ll just go to sleep, maybe you’ll ask her to cuddle with you as you masturbate, maybe you’ll just stay up and play computer games, or watch a little porn and masturbate. On a case by case basis, it’s all no biggie.
Over the long term though, constant denial does very much become a hot issue and outside the bedroom it should be something that is mentioned once in a while. Again, work hard to not frame it in anger or that she is trying to do something wrong; frustration and disappointment is a better angle. Long term though, (as in over months and years) you gain the most leverage by self-improvement rather than complaint.
What you do is vastly more important than what you say. It’s one thing to be in a low sex marriage, complaining about it, arguing why you need more sex, how you are frustrated by it and slamming a few doors. It’s entirely another matter to be in a low sex marriage and say,
“You understand this is something I need, right?”
and just start pumping iron, dressing better and going to get your teeth whitened. When push comes to shove on constant denial you can go out to a strip club, or meet a female friend as a serious announcement of intent. Though as covered in The Timeline chapter, that sort of thing starts forcing the marriage towards an ultimatum.
“You understand this is something I need, right?”
and just start pumping iron, dressing better and going to get your teeth whitened. When push comes to shove on constant denial you can go out to a strip club, or meet a female friend as a serious announcement of intent. Though as covered in The Timeline chapter, that sort of thing starts forcing the marriage towards an ultimatum.
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