The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (10 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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It is foolish however to shower appreciation and gifts on a wife that is in fact not acting appropriately towards you, as this simply rewards her bad behavior. If you have a two year old having a temper tantrum over getting candy and you give them candy to shut them up, you’re going to get more tantrums to get more candy. Likewise, if your wife frequently declines sex and you pander to her constantly trying to get sex, then you’re establishing that her giving you no sex results in you rewarding her. You are in effect training her to continue to deny you sex in the future.
The Beta trait of appreciation creates a positive feedback loop in your wife that her positive actions will net her a positive response from you. If a woman likes to please you, she won’t feel happy unless you tell her you are pleased by what she did.
Failing to recognize her good efforts to please you in effect punishes her for trying. If you had a dog that was trained to fetch the newspaper and every time it went and got it, you smacked it on the nose with the newspaper, it would eventually decide to stop fetching the paper for you. If you punish good behavior, the good behavior will eventually stop. Ignoring good behavior is the same as punishing it, as very frequently good behavior is done for the purposes of gaining positive attention.
In summary, a remarkably simple and effective Beta trait is just saying
“Thank you,” “I liked that,” “You did that really well,”
or
“The house looks great.”
“Thank you,” “I liked that,” “You did that really well,”
or
“The house looks great.”
(4.8) Affectionate Caring
Being physically affectionate, gentle, kind, patient and attentive to a wife creates a great deal of comfort in her. The simplest explanation for this is that all these traits are pleasant to her, but they are also ideal for caring for an infant as well. Thugs are not good with babies, but Nice Guys are. Showing the ability to be nice creates relationship comfort for the wife.
Men tend to feel emotionally connected by doing something together. Two men can have minimal conversation but still feel very connected to each other as long as they are working on a shared task together. Women seek to create community and feel emotionally connected by talking. It’s not an uncommon situation to have a husband “ignore” his wife because he can’t experience the same sense of needing to talk each day. Most women faced with this need to talk and his apparent lack of listening will intensify their volume and verbal insistence that he communicates better. Men just experience this as nagging and therefore as toxic.
By creating a pattern of listening to her, a husband can supply the depth of verbal intimacy that the wife is seeking. It makes her feel comfortable and engaged with him. If she does not feel that emotional engagement from him, that makes her feel vulnerable because she feels that she is more committed to the relationship than he is. Many wives stumble into affairs because another male figure does nothing more than start listening and talking with them frequently. The emotional connection comes first and once emotional intimacy is established, she feels driven to experience that as sexual intimacy as well. Wives that would have no difficulty turning down highly sexually attractive strangers, can yield to someone they feel emotionally intimate with despite a lack of apparent hotness in the lover.
Physical touch is also important. This is not touch designed to automatically lead to sex, but simply a physical expression of the intimate relationship. Words are not always a requirement to expressing love. Touching women creates a response in them that releases oxytocin into their bodies. Oxytocin creates a sense of emotional warmth, closeness and trust. Stroking, kissing, hand-holding, and backrubs all work well.
This physical connection is also good for babies and children. There is the well known effect of “failure to thrive” in babies that are supplied with adequate food and shelter, but are left untouched. Without physical touch, the babies suffer slower growth, greater illness and can even die.
The ability to interact well with children is also a critical skill for husbands to develop. That includes discipline, education, direct care and playfulness. The discipline tends to feed into the Alpha trait of social dominance and has been covered earlier. Education and mentoring is an important trait, since the husband that can help with homework or spends the time showing his children how to do something, is more useful to a wife than one that doesn’t. Children who learn skills go on to have better chances at reproductive success as adults.
Being able to provide direct child care assistance is also a positive Beta trait. Most wives feel forever “on duty” and being able to rest while a husband cares for the children is a positive thing. Being able to demonstrate skill with children in the presence of multiple women nearly always results in a positive verbal response from them, creating a Preselection effect as well.
Where most men clearly excel over women in dealing with children is in their ability to play with them. To be sure mothers are usually better with infants playing peek-a-boo, but once into the toddler age, fathers that play with children have the clear edge. Most especially with boys, roughhousing is considered enormously fun by children and is almost solely done by fathers. One rarely sees a mother kneeling in a sandbox building something, but a father will get in there and start scooping and building like one of the children. Women tend to observe a child’s play and intervene if something is unsafe, while men tend to actually get in there and physically play as well. Plus dads frequently push the limits of “what mom would allow” in terms of roughness and safety, which is of course what really excites the kids.
In any case, the sound of her children shrieking with laughter very much positively influences her feelings for the man creating the laughter. Should more children arrive, he would no doubt be a good father for them as well, so her sex drive doesn’t switch off.
(4.9) Sexual Technique
When a woman orgasms, her endocrine system releases a flood of oxytocin which hormonally primes her for social bonding and trust in the man that made her orgasm. A wife that is frequently orgasmic with her husband becomes more bonded to him, trusts him more and feels a real sensation of emotional warmth and comfort in him. Though it may be surprising to those wishing to rely on a solely Alpha Male approach to women, having an excellent sexual technique is in fact a Beta Male Trait.
The lack of sex and orgasms a woman has in a relationship with a Beta Male Orbiter who is “just a friend” is in large part why she can use him as an emotional tampon and then discard him at will. The Orbiter never gets to have sex with her, so she never orgasms with him, so she never gets the flood of oxytocin with him, so she never attaches to the Orbiter. Just as soon as her emotions have stabilized and a man she is actually interested in wants a relationship with her, the Orbiter will be shunted back into the background of her life.
This Beta trait is in contrast to the Alpha trait of a male always being sexually impulsive and pleased to bang any available female. The Alpha Trait really cares nothing for a woman’s sexual response other than her compliance and willingness to submit to him. It’s all about him getting his penis into her vagina and ejaculating into it. This somewhat coarse sexual approach relies on the element of social dominance creating the dopamine response in her rather than sexual skill creating it.
It’s easy to see how a woman could very much be excited by her man just overwhelming her with his passion and taking his pleasure from her, at least as an individual act of sex. That’s the sort of thing that is in every other Hollywood movie and in romance novels all the time. However, if that is the plan for every sexual interaction, sooner rather than later her lack of orgasm is going to become an issue.
The Beta Trait however, does care about her pleasure sexually. Giving a male an orgasm is fairly straightforward, just get hold of the penis and jiggle it about a bit. In comparison to the male orgasm, the female one is fairly difficult to achieve. Thoughts of the G-Spot and A-Spot aside, most women orgasm via clitoral stimulation and the clitoris is fairly small and not really close enough to the opening to the vagina in nearly all women. Plus the clitoris starts trying to hide during sex as well, it’s like “Where’s Waldo” but with wetness and awkward despair.
Research shows that women are more orgasmic with attractive men, but being willing and competent to bring a woman to orgasm is a test of reproductive fitness of sorts in and of itself. The man that has the patience and tactile finesse to make her orgasm very probably has the right sort of temperament to also be good with raising children.
Unfortunately, there is a sort of chicken or egg issue here. In a low sex marriage, a wife may be disinterested in her husband and acting less bonded to him, so the solution is to make her orgasm more frequently. But she may well decline sex because of her low interest in him. The solution is to spark attraction via Alpha traits and being sure to make her orgasm, repeatedly if possible, when sex does take place. Many people experience a post-orgasmic glow that can last for a few days after sex. It’s the oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men creating that effect. Technically, these really are drugs.
Of extreme concern though is a wife taking a lover. Once she experiences repeated orgasms with her lover, she can quickly bond to him and form a serious emotional attachment to him. Even a single instance of sex can create a powerful connection. Many people (male and female) experience an emotional connection to people they’ve had a sexual relationship with, even only as a one night stand, decades after the original event.
The goal here of course is in developing both the Alpha and Beta Traits in you so that your wife never considers risking losing your relationship. There will always be better men than you somewhere in the sexual marketplace, but if you’re maximizing your good points and minimizing your not so good points, you may very well be the best man she can attach to and love. In the next chapter we discuss exactly how that sexual marketplace works.
Chapter
5
5
Sex Rank
(5.1) Pick a Number From 1-10…
Sex Rank is a somewhat harsh way of looking at the world, but ultimately it is an honest one. Based on how sexy they are, everyone can be loosely assessed as having a number from 1 to 10 and that number is called their Sex Rank. Just admit it, we’ve all done it, looked at a woman and had a number pop into our head. She’s a 7, a 9, a 4… whatever. When a man rates a woman, he’s focusing a good deal on physical beauty as a primary factor in her sexual attractiveness.
Women of course do exactly the same thing to men, but when they do it, while physical beauty is a factor, it is much less of a factor to women than men. Women find wealth, social status and more (the whole range of Alpha and Beta Male traits) appealing and sexy. So women can also mentally rank men on a 1to 10 scale of sexiness as well.
Sex Rank is best viewed as a metaphor
; it's hard to nail down exactly what is a male 6 vs. a male 7 for example. We could possibly come up with a chart and point system for everything to map out what exactly makes up every level of Sex Rank, but then we'd all just get into a big fight about the chart, disagreeing over the fine points. Some people find different things sexier than others. What makes someone a 6 or a 7 is essentially instinctive knowledge built into your own Body Agenda.
; it's hard to nail down exactly what is a male 6 vs. a male 7 for example. We could possibly come up with a chart and point system for everything to map out what exactly makes up every level of Sex Rank, but then we'd all just get into a big fight about the chart, disagreeing over the fine points. Some people find different things sexier than others. What makes someone a 6 or a 7 is essentially instinctive knowledge built into your own Body Agenda.
Both men and women rank each other continually and for the most part without conscious thought. In this way men are engaged in a constant battle for their place in the pecking order with each other. There’s only so much room to be a 10, only so much space to be a 9… and so on down the ladder. Also women are in constant competition with other women to be the most appealing. Women may wear makeup to be attractive to men, but primarily to be more attractive to men than other women are. It’s about staking a claim higher up the Sex Rank ladder.
In a monogamous society, people of equal Sex Rank will tend to pair off with each other. 10s will couple with 10s, 9s with 9s, and 8s with 8s… all the way to 1s with 1s. Basically an 8 won’t settle for a 7, and a 7 won’t settle for a 6, so a male 7 and a female 7 will just meet each other and feel a surge of mutual interest and pair off.
Finding a female’s Sex Rank is fairly easy. You just hold up her photo and ask a bunch of guys how hot she looks. While women clearly have more value than just beauty, female Sex Rank is very heavily weighted towards physical beauty. The interest men have in the physical attractiveness of women is often chided as being “shallow”, but in reality this interest is of critical importance. The male Body Agenda is constantly looking for a healthy woman with good genes and the ability to successfully bear and nurture their child.
Women have to take more factors into consideration when assigning Sex Rank to a man, as men are more complex to rate with wealth, power, appearance, social status, physicality, aggression and language skills all being factors toward their final Sex Rank. Yet I'm sure as soon as you meet someone you can probably mentally peg them as a number, or at least "less hot than me", "as hot as me", "hotter than me", which is ultimately the point.
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