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Authors: Athol Kay

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (8 page)

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Women may even complain about their husbands watching football for example, but they don’t find them sexually repulsive for doing so. The complaint isn’t that he watches sports, but that he watches too much of it and doesn’t do the other things that she wants him to do. Should a husband grow seriously interested in watching a show about flower arrangement and knitting, his wife may not complain about him watching it, but she would find herself less sexually interested in him.

 

Even more attractive than a man who enjoys stereotypical male interests as a spectator is one that actually participates in them. It’s one thing to like listening to hard rock; it’s another to be in a band. It’s one thing to like watching motorsports; it’s sexier to drive in a race. It’s one thing to watch football on TV, it’s another to run into the end zone and make a touchdown.

 

Male interests are important because they reflect that a man is actually a biologically wired male who comes across as masculine. There may be nothing wrong with a man doing feminine things if he wants to, but in a relationship the woman typically wants to feel more feminine than the man and she looks to him to be masculine.

 

Most wives don’t want their husbands visiting strip clubs. But most wives would probably experience him visiting a strip club with much less concern than if he came home with a gift for her of
“this great eyeliner that I found on sale at the mall.”
That would tend to signal potential gayness or cross dressing rather than heterosexuality. A husband who turns into her best girlfriend loses her sexual attraction as a consequence.

 

(3.5) Alpha Male of the Group

 

Because the difference between having a socially dominant male as a mate in The Time Before Writing was often the difference between surviving and not surviving, women are strongly attracted to socially dominant men. That difference in social dominance can be as simple as the difference between being a retail clerk and a retail manager, or the manager and the regional director, or further up the food chain to the company CEO. The more social power and authority a male has, the more attractive to women he becomes. A man can even be quite ugly but with enough power still be able to pull female attention.

 

Within each social group there is always a social leader referred to as the Alpha Male of the Group (AMOG). A group’s ultimate leader does not have to be male, but far more often than not a male is a group’s ultimate social leader. Within a family unit either the husband or wife is the leader of the family unit. If the leader is the husband he creates attraction for him in the wife, but if she is the leader she loses some attraction for him.

 

Very often people like to say
“It’s an equal relationship,”
but it’s usually a bunch of baloney when push comes to shove - someone is usually the stronger of the two personalities and in reality runs the show. If it’s the wife saying
“It’s an equal relationship,”
it usually means she is in fact the one in charge but doesn’t want to frame herself in conversation as actually being in charge, because that would essentially force her to not respect him as a man. The husband being the less dominant one in the relationship is then required to agree with her about the equality, or suffer the consequences of his insubordination.

 

It’s not terribly politically correct to frame a male-led household as better than a female-led one and there are obvious concerns about how this can be abused by the husband. However these are essentially no different than the same concerns of a relationship where a female is dominant over the male. I’m sure the reader knows of several men living in a state of constant fear for displeasing their wives and the resultant tongue lashing that would follow. Not to mention how studies show that women are no less prone to resort to violence than men are in relationships. Leadership and husbandly dominance ideally works on the principle of evoking the desire to follow. If a wife submits, it’s through her own consent and right to do so. For the majority of wives, a husband acting with leadership creates and sustains her sexual attraction to him, which is of ultimate benefit to both of them in the relationship.

 

Likewise, the ability to exercise reasonable discipline and direction over the children in the family frames a husband as the social leader and makes him more attractive to his wife. A husband’s failure to be effective with the children will reduce the wife’s attraction to him.
(3.6) Cool and Confident

 

One of the key signals that a male has social dominance is his confidence, thus women are highly attracted to displays of confidence in men. A basic confidence display is the willingness to approach women, especially highly attractive women, and display calmness in their presence. That calmness can be successfully extended to expressions of mild disinterest in the woman, implying that he has become used to being with even more beautiful women than she – which would imply that he had a very high value as a man, which then triggers her interest in him.

 

A typical fan meeting a celebrity in person usually becomes highly excited and can become quite giddy and silly, while the celebrity is usually much less excited and “cool.” That coolness is a statement of higher social value as it says
“I’m not excited to be meeting you.”
Cool men have always created attraction in women. The underlying message is that
“I am not going to react to you.”

 

The other side to social confidence and dominance is when the confident male creates situations where the female is forced to react to him. In other words,
“I am not going to react to you, but you will react to me.”
The simplest way of achieving that is by leading a conversation that delights the female and draws her attention to him. The cornerstone of leading these conversations is a combination of being “cocky and funny” where the male playfully abuses his position of social dominance and gets away with being a “naughty boy”. This can be anything including mildly teasing her, telling outrageously funny or interesting stories and becoming the center of attention, leading her in short games of fun (like looking at the couple two tables over and making up funny fake background stories about them) or simply talking about something passionately enough to draw her into his frame of reference.

 

Highly confident men will also take more risks than a less confident man will. Low confidence appears no different in the eyes of women than cowardice and men who shrink back from action lose attraction. Highly confident men do things and appear brave and attractive to women. Highly confident men aren’t boring to women, as they will at least manage to do something of interest. The link between boredom and low dopamine issues in women has already been covered, but it does not hurt to review that men who “do nothing” are very boring to women and they quickly tire of them. Wives bored of their husbands may very well stay married to them, but their vaginas go offline.

 

Sometimes those things that highly confident men do are quite dangerous, and women usually experience a great deal of discomfort about men doing these activities. Whether that is going into a combat zone, hang-gliding or motorsports isn’t usually important, but what is important is the rollercoaster of emotion it sets her on when he does it. It’s extremely non-boring for a wife to worry that her husband could be potentially seriously injured or killed and the accompanying relief afterwards totally feeds whatever sense of emotional stimulation she needs to experience. She may feel discomfort at the activity he does, but she gains attraction to him for his doing it.

 

There is obviously a scale of risk here as well. It’s one thing for a woman to experience a sense of nervousness as her husband races a 100cc Go-Kart and feel impressed watching him. It’s quite another thing to know that he’s being dropped behind enemy lines at night and will be out of communication for a week… or forever.
(3.7) A One Track Mind

 

The final Alpha Male Trait is pretty primal. Alpha Males want and expect to have sex frequently and with women who are happy to comply with their sexual demands. It’s possible to misunderstand that being Alpha is about forcing women to do something they don’t want to do, but the entire point of being Alpha is that women find Alpha men attractive and actively want to be seduced by them. A physically fit, well dressed, confident, powerful man knows that women find him attractive, so he naturally expects their pleased compliance with his advances.

 

Physically touching women in both sexual and non sexual ways is a display of confidence and dominance. Typically social touch is initiated by the socially dominant person rather than the less dominant one. Your boss at work is far more likely to pat you on the back, than you are to do the same to them for example. With large gap in social standing it becomes even more extreme. If the President wants to give you a bear hug it’s fine, but if you try it on him there would be half a dozen very twitchy Secret Service agents intervening. Simply touching a woman before she touches you is making a statement of social dominance.

 

Touch will usually be non sexual – a tap on the arm, a handshake and a pat on the back being some of the most common ones. But an Alpha is interested in escalating the physical interactions towards sexual touch fairly quickly. With each step towards sexual intimacy, it’s Alpha to be willing to push for more as far as she lets you. Alphas understand that not every interaction will lead to actual sex, but remain obviously capable to close the deal if she is interested in doing so.

 

A woman may not always be interested in sex, but if she is interested in having sex, she wants a man that will clearly be able to follow through and give her the sex she wants. A man that declines sex when a woman asks for it creates a very negative response in her towards him; typically she will find him much less attractive as a result. That marked reduction in attraction can lead to her treating him quite differently in the future. If it was to be their first sexual experience together, she will usually write him off as a total loser permanently.

 

It’s also Alpha to not care about getting sex from any one particular woman. Alphas are generally attractive to women, so any one woman that gives any difficulty granting sexual favors can simply be replaced with another who is willing. This can create a sense of stress in a wife, as a husband with high Alpha qualities, clearly has a much better chance of finding affair opportunities than a husband without them. Jealousy can be an emotional rollercoaster and lead to a more intense connection and sexual intensity as well. She also may just find
him highly attractive and lay him like tile regardless of his potential for other women.

 

It is somewhat of a dark tactic, but this dynamic of multiple women finding Alpha males attractive is a very tangible thing for gaining leverage over a particular woman. So as this book progresses we will return to this approach as a key element of change. However dark or immoral it may seem on the surface, pulling the interest of multiple women isn’t anything other than the natural consequence of being a good quality man. In the current sexual marketplace, not being a good quality man leads a husband to endless sexual denial and/or eventual divorce. A man has no option but to better himself constantly… or risk being cast out.
Chapter 4
The Beta Male Traits

 

 

(4.1) Beta = Comfort = Oxytocin

 

The Beta Male Traits are all about creating relationship comfort and typically stem from the needs of raising children in a modern society. Back in The Time Before Writing women still needed comfort building, but that comfort was supplied simply by having a dominant male they could attach to. The reason women are wired to be attracted to Alpha males, is that for 99.9% of human history an Alpha male supplied the comfort a woman needed.

 

However, modern living creates comfort quite differently and modern child-raising comes with an array of needs that are vastly different to that in The Time Before Writing. The skills and abilities in men that meet those needs are the Beta Traits. Typically Beta Traits are aligned with creating a pair-bond by her body having a hormonal oxytocin response to her partner.

 

It’s a cruel trick of biology to both sexes that women are wired for attraction to ancient Alpha unconsciously seeking modern Beta, but that they can actually have a Beta partner and not really want him because of his lack of Alpha. The solution remains as always, that a husband has to balance both Alpha and Beta to sustain a marriage.
(4.2) Dependable Provider with Money

 

Having a reliable source of income is a foundational Beta skill. The more money you can bring in, the better. Quite often having a high income matches up with some sort of socially prominent job and can be Alpha. For example, a doctor is a prestigious vocation and Alpha, but the income a doctor makes is Beta. In simple terms, the more money you make the greater comfort an attached woman and her children can live in.

 

A man’s current income may be low, but the potential for greater income in the future is also part of the Beta appeal. In short, given a choice between two identical males, a woman will choose the one with the better income.
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
7.29Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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