The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (12 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Also while I don't exactly see myself as beastly in appearance in a Beauty and the Beast equation, Jennifer definitely responds to me as if I had a higher Sex Rank than I objectively deserve. So she tends to calibrate her sexual response higher to me than she objectively should. In a marriage, sexual chemistry is extremely important. If each feels the other is a prize catch that will create positive cycles of attention and love between them
That natural sexual chemistry stems from a good genetic compatibility for having healthy and attractive children. So Jennifer and I sex it up lots and are blessed with two attractive and extremely healthy daughters. This is how nature works. Science can be very comforting sometimes.
(5.10) Old Boyfriends
The downside to that special connection is that prior romantic partners probably have a good chance of having that special genetic compatibility as well. Plus there is an emotional content to that prior relationship that doesn’t always vanish. Your wife’s old boyfriends are far more likely to induce her to cheat on you, or even poach her back completely, compared to a random new man she happens to meet.
The new cliché way of losing your wife to one of her ex-boyfriend’s is by them reestablishing contact via social networking sites like Facebook. Your default assumption should be that your wife’s old boyfriends (or Orbiters) that message her or leave comments on her status are in fact still sexually interested in her. Given too much allowance, they may seek to enlarge the level of contact with her. Romantic feelings can rekindle quickly and once she is emotionally engaged to them again, if they make a play for her she will be very tempted.
Sex Rank issues with her old boyfriends are more serious than with random men she knows. If you are a 7 and the ex-boyfriend is a 6, then advantage you. If you fall to a 5 and the boyfriend stays a 6, then advantage ex-boyfriend. Even if she falls from a 7 to a 5 with you, she can perk it up with minimal effort for the ex-boyfriend’s benefit straight back to a 6. I'm not saying it's an automatic packing of her bags as soon as you drop lower than him, but it is a strong influence on her behavior.
Importantly, old boyfriends who have had sex with your wife have a much higher chance of influencing her to restart a relationship or have an affair with them. Having crossed the line into sex with him once, it’s easier to do it again. At some point he managed to trigger her attraction enough to get her seriously interested in him. So no matter how badly the relationship ended, he can still probably flip at least some of her switches. Ex-boyfriends, especially ones that were at all…Alpha, dangerous, bad or edgy…can lodge in a woman's mind forever.
As a counter point, one thing to watch out for is
you
obsessing about her ex-boyfriends. That communicates fear and weakness and is a Display of Low Value. High status males don't need to worry about their females wandering off to find someone better. Basically ignore the entire topic unless one of her exes shows up on her radar again. Then watch carefully and be mildly annoyingly present as required.... by which I mean cockblock. Only if you start seeing something inappropriate do you need to start making clear demands to end the contact.
you
obsessing about her ex-boyfriends. That communicates fear and weakness and is a Display of Low Value. High status males don't need to worry about their females wandering off to find someone better. Basically ignore the entire topic unless one of her exes shows up on her radar again. Then watch carefully and be mildly annoyingly present as required.... by which I mean cockblock. Only if you start seeing something inappropriate do you need to start making clear demands to end the contact.
(5.11) Unbalanced Sex Ratio
One of the things that can also affect Sex Rank is how many members of each gender are available in any one social group. The gender with the lower number of members gets a natural boost to their Sex Rank, while the group with too many gets a reduction in theirs.
As an example, I spent a few years in a youth group of about forty girls and twenty-five boys. Assuming we dated within the youth group, simple math would suggest that fifteen of the girls would have gone dateless and been lonely. The least attractive of the boys could have paired off with one of the average girls. Even as a painfully shy and utterly clueless young man, dating was fairly easy going once you tried the spectacular technique of simply asking for a date.
In places where there are far too many men and too few women, the advantage is reversed. I have an Alaskan friend that says all a girl needs in Alaska to pull men is
“all her teeth.”
Alaskan boyfriends don’t get dumped, they just lose their turn.
“all her teeth.”
Alaskan boyfriends don’t get dumped, they just lose their turn.
(5.12) Marriage Does Not End Sex Rank Issues
The most vital point for a husband is to understand is that the wedding was not the finishing line and this very much dovetails into the issues brought up in the Marriage 2.0 chapter. Staying sexually attractive to your wife is a lifelong requirement these days. Sometimes the very reason your wife is rejecting you sexually is that she is less attracted to you and she has simply calibrated her sexual response to you down.
If you were both 8s, but now you’re a 5 and she’s still an 8… guess what…
she’s not attracted to you
! She feels she has sold herself short and that’s why the sex has dropped to a mere trickle.
she’s not attracted to you
! She feels she has sold herself short and that’s why the sex has dropped to a mere trickle.
In a world of other men and ex-boyfriends who have minimal compulsion to respect your relationship with your wife, you should just expect that men will approach her. Obviously you should have a reasonable expectation that she will simply refuse them. But there’s no wisdom in displaying to the rest of the world any weakness in your ability to charm your own wife. You most certainly should not show it to her either.
(5.13) Understanding Sex Rank as Leverage
Once the dynamics of Sex Rank is understood – the essential point being that the hottest member of a couple is the one that holds the balance of power and sets the tone of the relationship- we can actively use that as a tool to gain the things we want from that relationship. This leads us on to Part Two of the book and taking practical steps towards trumping you wife’s Sex Rank and pushing towards a point where she must become highly sexual responsive to you, or risk losing you.
Part Two
The Male Action Plan
Chapter 6
The Male Action Plan
(6.1) Introduction to The MAP
Up until now I’ve been explaining the way the sexual marketplace works and what women respond to in men. Having reached this point in the book, I hope readers will already be starting to understand their weak areas and can see what they need to work on. From here to the end of the book it’s all very practical advice. If you have no interest in actually doing anything to improve your sex life, you may as well stop reading now.
The Male Action Plan, or The MAP for short, is a proven approach to getting you a better sex life. Simply put, The MAP gives women what they actually want and then they respond to it. In a more precise sense, The MAP gets you to model behaviors that trigger her body to release dopamine and oxytocin. Once those two hormones are strongly triggered in relation to you, her own body creates a positive emotional and sexual response to you that she has little control over.
Importantly, The MAP is not about changing her, it’s about changing
you
. (If it was about changing
her
I would have called it The Female Action Plan, or The FAP.) If you’ve ever tried begging, pleading, or rationalizing for getting more or better sex from your partner, then you know how remarkably ineffective that is. To be sure you may get one more begrudging sex act to shut you up once in a while, but then she just returns to her baseline disinterest in you. There’s also little pleasure gained in sex with a woman that clearly does not want to have sex with you. Nagging might spread her legs but it won’t make her wet and put her hands on your ass as you take her. A core element of doing The MAP is to stop begging for more sex and to start making yourself sexier. You’re not pushing her into having sex with you; you’re pulling her sexual interest to you so she wants to have sex with you.
you
. (If it was about changing
her
I would have called it The Female Action Plan, or The FAP.) If you’ve ever tried begging, pleading, or rationalizing for getting more or better sex from your partner, then you know how remarkably ineffective that is. To be sure you may get one more begrudging sex act to shut you up once in a while, but then she just returns to her baseline disinterest in you. There’s also little pleasure gained in sex with a woman that clearly does not want to have sex with you. Nagging might spread her legs but it won’t make her wet and put her hands on your ass as you take her. A core element of doing The MAP is to stop begging for more sex and to start making yourself sexier. You’re not pushing her into having sex with you; you’re pulling her sexual interest to you so she wants to have sex with you.
The MAP also focuses on modeling the positive of both Alpha and Beta male behavior. Most men find they are more naturally good at one or the other. If you’re better at modeling the Alpha traits, then you will make the fastest gains by working on the Beta traits. If you are better at Beta, then learning the Alpha traits will get you the fastest gains. The MAP also requires you to maximize your physical fitness as best you can.
By gaining physical fitness and showing better versions of Alpha and Beta traits, a husband will increase his Sex Rank. Once he has a higher Sex Rank than his wife, she will find herself increasingly attracted to him. The purpose of trumping her Sex Rank is to purposely destabilize the relationship and force her into choosing either a more sexual relationship, or have her risk losing her husband to another woman. I won’t pretend that this is a polite method of saving your relationship, just an effective one.
There is a timeline that I cover in the next chapter as to how you doing The MAP will play out, but each man doing it will have to find his own sense of male balance. For example it’s not a case of getting physically fit and
then
working on the Alpha and
then
working on the Beta as a planned sequence. The MAP is something that needs to be worked on consistently in all three areas. If you are endlessly Beta, you don’t just stop being Beta to work on the Alpha. You’re trying to create the best composite balance you can. More than likely though, you will find that working on your weakest area first gets you the fastest gains.
then
working on the Alpha and
then
working on the Beta as a planned sequence. The MAP is something that needs to be worked on consistently in all three areas. If you are endlessly Beta, you don’t just stop being Beta to work on the Alpha. You’re trying to create the best composite balance you can. More than likely though, you will find that working on your weakest area first gets you the fastest gains.
If you’re already excellent in one area, there’s likely little reason to try and develop it further if you have other areas that are weak. If you’re already in fabulous physical shape, training harder to become in even better physical shape is likely of no benefit compared to potential gains from learning how to help out around the house, make more money or say no to her making ridiculous demands of you. It’s all about balance.
Critical Point –
The MAP may not work in your current relationship with your wife. You may very well spruce up perfectly and become more appealing to women in general, but your own wife may turn her nose up at you. You really can’t control another person’s reactions to you. You can
influence
her reactions and make her more likely to choose you, but you can’t force those reactions. Should you push harder and start heading to the door, there will be another woman willing to take your wife’s place and give you the love and sex you desire. This may seem like an exceptionally cold approach to relationships, but it is simply realistic. If a wife doesn’t want to have sex with a sexy husband who is a good man,
then there is no pleasing her
. Her husband’s torment will last as long as the marriage does.
The MAP may not work in your current relationship with your wife. You may very well spruce up perfectly and become more appealing to women in general, but your own wife may turn her nose up at you. You really can’t control another person’s reactions to you. You can
influence
her reactions and make her more likely to choose you, but you can’t force those reactions. Should you push harder and start heading to the door, there will be another woman willing to take your wife’s place and give you the love and sex you desire. This may seem like an exceptionally cold approach to relationships, but it is simply realistic. If a wife doesn’t want to have sex with a sexy husband who is a good man,
then there is no pleasing her
. Her husband’s torment will last as long as the marriage does.
(6.2) A Sexless Marriage Cheats You
I am of the firm belief that in sexless marriages, the spouse who denies sex is cheating the other out of their marriage agreement. I use the word “cheating” quite purposely and see it as minimally different from an “affair.” The marriage agreement is one of mutual sexual exclusivity and meeting each other’s sexual needs. A spouse who goes outside the relationship for sex denies the cheated on spouse their half of the marriage agreement. A spouse who denies the other reasonable sexual access cheats the other out of their half of the marriage agreement. Either way the marriage is under enormous difficulty.
Seeing as I’m good with crass examples… If you became the customer of a cable TV company and they came and hooked up your neighbor’s house, or refused to hook your house up, but they still demanded payment, how long would you tolerate that? You would immediately demand the company stop billing you for the neighbor’s cable and come hook it up at your place, or you would threaten to immediately stop being their customer. Whatever you do though, you shouldn’t keep passively paying the cable bill hoping the cable company will give you cable one day.
(6.3) Why Men Get So Agitated About Not Having Sex
The clinical definition of a sexless marriage is sex ten or fewer times in a year, or about once a month. Personally I think the clinical definition is so far below a normal level of sexual functioning that it really clouds the issue. Getting sex once or twice a month from your wife is a slow torture to a sexually healthy man. Most men become increasingly anxious to have sex with their wives
within a few days
of the last time they had sex. Going back to the Body Agenda chapter, we remember that the husband’s goal is to load up his wife’s reproductive tract with sperm, thus maintaining a standing army to repel any other sperm that isn’t his. After five days of no intercourse, his entire army of sperm is dead or flushed out of her. So after five days of no sex with his wife, it’s from a male Body Agenda point of view
like he’s never had sex with her at all
and his anxiety level increases accordingly.
within a few days
of the last time they had sex. Going back to the Body Agenda chapter, we remember that the husband’s goal is to load up his wife’s reproductive tract with sperm, thus maintaining a standing army to repel any other sperm that isn’t his. After five days of no intercourse, his entire army of sperm is dead or flushed out of her. So after five days of no sex with his wife, it’s from a male Body Agenda point of view
like he’s never had sex with her at all
and his anxiety level increases accordingly.
Having sex less than twice a week is a red flag in basically physically healthy young couples. I’m not looking at this from a psychiatric
“Is this diagnosable as sexual dysfunction?”
point of view, simply from an
“Are you happy being married to her?”
and
“Are you going to get cheated on or otherwise divorced?”
point of view. By having vaginal sex with her husband less than twice a week, a wife is telegraphing her sexual disinterest in him and refusing to allow him to effectively colonize her reproductive tract with sperm. She does this to keep her options open.
“Is this diagnosable as sexual dysfunction?”
point of view, simply from an
“Are you happy being married to her?”
and
“Are you going to get cheated on or otherwise divorced?”
point of view. By having vaginal sex with her husband less than twice a week, a wife is telegraphing her sexual disinterest in him and refusing to allow him to effectively colonize her reproductive tract with sperm. She does this to keep her options open.
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