The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (13 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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If your wife offers frequent blowjobs or handjobs, enjoy them but be careful that she’s not just distracting you. An interested wife will desire frequent vaginal intercourse and be glad to get your sperm into her vagina. But if you suspect she’s interested in another man and she’s nearing ovulation, pay attention to excessive offers of blowjobs or handjobs. A woman unconsciously blocking her husband’s sperm for several days before ovulation is a red flag that could indicate potential cheating.
If a husband gets vaginal sex on Monday, a handjob on Wednesday and a blowjob on Friday, that would seem like a pretty good week of sex to many husbands and they would likely feel happy and satisfied. But if the wife then meets her lover on the Saturday, none of his sperm from Monday would still be inside her to fight off his. If she gets pregnant on the Saturday and on Sunday morning wakes her husband up with a surprisingly energetic session on top of him… he might never know the truth. She might suspect it, but her Rationalization Hamster would probably just advise her that it was just one time and not very likely, so not to worry about it.
For many husbands in very low sex marriages, having their wives start to give handjobs and blowjobs are signs of
improvement.
By all means accept them and just stick with doing The MAP and the vaginal action should return to the menu as well.
improvement.
By all means accept them and just stick with doing The MAP and the vaginal action should return to the menu as well.
(6.4) How Sexless Marriages Play Out
Assuming one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, marriages tend to play out towards one of four basic outcomes.
One – Endless Misery
. The first outcome is that essentially nothing changes in the marriage. It stays locked in the cycle of one partner denying sex and the other miserable and desperate to get more sex. Without either spouse making a serious change in behavior, this is the default outcome because the cycle of denial and begging will continue forever. The spouse being denied sex may very well claim they are unhappy and that the relationship is intolerable, but they stay in the relationship and tolerate it nevertheless.
. The first outcome is that essentially nothing changes in the marriage. It stays locked in the cycle of one partner denying sex and the other miserable and desperate to get more sex. Without either spouse making a serious change in behavior, this is the default outcome because the cycle of denial and begging will continue forever. The spouse being denied sex may very well claim they are unhappy and that the relationship is intolerable, but they stay in the relationship and tolerate it nevertheless.
Two – Extramarital Sex
. The second outcome is that the partner denied sex simply gives up on gaining sexual access to their spouse and seeks sex outside the marriage. Whether the sex is via a lover, random hookups, escorts or some really high quality porn doesn’t matter. The extramarital sex might even be known to the spouse denying sex and may be actually encouraged sometimes. It’s not wildly uncommon for a wife that has no sexual interest in her husband to tell him to find a girlfriend for example. Generally the request is framed as
“Go meet your needs, just don’t mess with what I want from you or embarrass me about this.”
. The second outcome is that the partner denied sex simply gives up on gaining sexual access to their spouse and seeks sex outside the marriage. Whether the sex is via a lover, random hookups, escorts or some really high quality porn doesn’t matter. The extramarital sex might even be known to the spouse denying sex and may be actually encouraged sometimes. It’s not wildly uncommon for a wife that has no sexual interest in her husband to tell him to find a girlfriend for example. Generally the request is framed as
“Go meet your needs, just don’t mess with what I want from you or embarrass me about this.”
Three – Divorce.
The third possibility is that the spouse who is denied sex may simply get tired of being taken advantage of and leave the marriage by divorcing. Almost always there’s an affair partner lined up to replace the low sex desire spouse before the exit is announced.
The third possibility is that the spouse who is denied sex may simply get tired of being taken advantage of and leave the marriage by divorcing. Almost always there’s an affair partner lined up to replace the low sex desire spouse before the exit is announced.
Four – Sexual Marriage.
The fourth option is that the low sex partner actually becomes more sexually interested and sexual activity resumes at a level that the more interested spouse can enjoy. Obviously this is the end point that The MAP intends to create.
The fourth option is that the low sex partner actually becomes more sexually interested and sexual activity resumes at a level that the more interested spouse can enjoy. Obviously this is the end point that The MAP intends to create.
Without effective change in one of the spouses, the first option of endless misery for the high sex spouse will continue forever. By taking the first option off the table, the denying spouse is ultimately going to be forced into making a decision between the other three options. So what The MAP does is start to force the issue towards one of the other outcomes.
Critical Point –
Before you start doing The MAP, I’m assuming you are probably in the default outcome of sexual denial and unhappiness for you. It might be a bad relationship, but it’s a
stable
relationship. You and your wife might both be unhappy with each other, but you both know the roles you’ve mapped out for each other and play them well together. By you removing this default option from the choices your wife can choose from,
this will destabilize your marriage
, so things may get worse before they get better.
Before you start doing The MAP, I’m assuming you are probably in the default outcome of sexual denial and unhappiness for you. It might be a bad relationship, but it’s a
stable
relationship. You and your wife might both be unhappy with each other, but you both know the roles you’ve mapped out for each other and play them well together. By you removing this default option from the choices your wife can choose from,
this will destabilize your marriage
, so things may get worse before they get better.
In putting The MAP into practice, it is very important to see this as a process and not a rush to judgment. If you push too hard too fast and don’t give your wife time to adjust to the changes you have made in yourself, the marriage can destabilize so much that it fails. It can take six months to two years to get you into a position where an ultimatum may need to be made; thought ideally an ultimatum is never even needed because the situation resolves itself naturally over time.
For example, assume a male 6 is married to a female 7 who is hardly interested in him sexually anymore. Should the husband announce that she can either be cheated on, get divorced, or start having with him sex four times a week, the conversation will likely not go nearly as well as he might imagine and he will not like the result at all. She might just laugh at him and accept the divorce option. You should never issue an ultimatum unless you are the higher Sex Rank of the couple.
But if our male 6 just starts doing The MAP and six months later he is a 7, she is very likely starting to respond to him more positively anyway. A year into doing The MAP, he might be an 8 to her 7, so now she is starting to feel excited about him and a little nervous. Attracting a woman
better than her
is now a possibility for him, and rather than having idle thoughts about divorcing him, she worries just a little that he might divorce her. More than likely she starts exercising, dressing better and initiates sex with him more frequently trying to increase her Sex Rank to keep pace with his -
all without him forcing the issue to an ultimatum.
The key is to work for constant positive progress.
better than her
is now a possibility for him, and rather than having idle thoughts about divorcing him, she worries just a little that he might divorce her. More than likely she starts exercising, dressing better and initiates sex with him more frequently trying to increase her Sex Rank to keep pace with his -
all without him forcing the issue to an ultimatum.
The key is to work for constant positive progress.
(6.5) Stop Tolerating the Intolerable
I get many emails that all essentially ask the same question with minor variations. It goes something like this:
"I've been married for [years] and for the last [awfully long time] I've had a problem with my [husband or wife] and the [huge intolerable relationship breaking problem] and they refuse to do anything about it. I've tried [all manner of things] to try and get them to change [the huge intolerable relationship breaking problem] but they still refuse to do anything about it. How do I fix this?"
As you can probably guess, the huge intolerable relationship breaking problem that people write to me about is usually a lack of sex. I'm getting emails from both men and women as many as sixteen years into a sexless marriage and some are heartbreaking to read. As I said earlier, my viewpoint on sexless marriages is that they are just as serious as having a full blown affair in terms of its insult to the partner wanting sex but not getting it. I've had many emails where a woman has said it's to the point where she just wants to hear that her husband is gay because that would explain things better and soften the blow to her ego.
Marriage is at its heart, a sexual relationship. Without the sex it's just a legally binding friendship, which is a needlessly complicated way of having a friend. The basic agreement of being married is to meet each other’s sexual needs and not to run round getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and sexless marriages break that relationship agreement.
The main difference between discovering that your partner is having an affair and finding that the sex is just being slowly turned off is how you as the injured party react. If you discover you're being cheated on, the shit typically hits the fan instantly. There's yelling and shouting, crying, threats and angry squealing of tires in the driveway as people "take space". With threats of divorce and other drama, it all comes to a head very quickly.
But most times when one spouse cuts the other off sexually, the sex tapers off gradually and there isn’t usually a critical incident. Over time the high sex spouse just takes it with quiet suffering, save for the pleading for sex or requests to visit a doctor to see if anything medical is going on. Then they wait and hope that magically the sex returns, and when it doesn't years can pass by. The pain and hurt can mount up for so long that you can build up a tolerance for a level of suffering that no mentally healthy person would consider tolerable.
Ironically, this gradual slide into a sexless marriage uses exactly the same principles as The MAP does, just in reverse! There’s usually no ultimatum given by the low sex spouse – “I’ve decided that I will not have any more sex with you in this relationship. Either stay with me and never have sex again, or leave now.” If you heard that in your second year of marriage you would probably rebel and leave. But if she can manage to taper off the sex to nothing over two years, you might just start getting used to it. If she’s smart, she will throw in a few nights of hypersexual behavior to rock your world, just to keep you hooked into her with hope that a regular sex life will one day return.
Medical issues aside, when you are cut off from sex by your spouse, the marriage is in critical condition because one spouse has started actively working against the marriage. This is a serious and legitimate issue. You have the right to feel angry and hurt by it. It’s okay to take action to address this issue.
(6.6) Stop Talking and Start Taking Action
Now as the denied partner, you may feel like you've been banging your head against the wall for months or years in asking for her to change. You have been pleading, begging, asking, and telling her how intolerable the intolerable relationship breaking problem is. The trouble is these are nothing but words and extremely ineffective at getting what you want.
By sticking around and endlessly focusing on the problem of lack of sex, your actions and behavior are making it clear that the problem is in fact not intolerable...
you're sticking around and tolerating it
. Even worse, the louder you squeal about the issue, the deeper commitment to option one (sticking around and suffering) you make to your partner. You’re making it clear that you are completely engaged in this relationship and are utterly fixated on your partner.
you're sticking around and tolerating it
. Even worse, the louder you squeal about the issue, the deeper commitment to option one (sticking around and suffering) you make to your partner. You’re making it clear that you are completely engaged in this relationship and are utterly fixated on your partner.
The solution is to take action that makes it clear that the problem is in fact intolerable. While you don't know whether you will make a move towards option two (extramarital sex), or option three (divorce), option one just isn't acceptable anymore. You need to stop pursuing the dead end of sex with your wife and start preparing yourself to pursue things with other women in general. So you work out, upgrade the clothes a little, open up a dating profile, just go "out" a little without providing the details, smile, be happy, friendly, carefree, text some new friends, socialize...
play.
play.
The goal is to stop chasing and pursuing your wife, and generally make it clear by your actions that you are no longer going to be held as her emotional hostage. Show that you will be capable of moving towards a life without her, and that you have discovered the will to do so. Once you have that attitude down, there is a reasonable chance that her level of interest in you will significantly change for the better. Don’t actually cheat on her; just make it clear you have the potential to move on without her. This sounds like a dangerous anti-marriage ploy, but I figure after a marriage has been sexually dead for no good reason for a year or more, it's essentially over and you're justified in taking such bold steps.
(6.7) Stop Begging For Sex
The other reason you need to stop begging for sex is that it actively turns off a woman’s sexual interest in you. Begging and pleading is a submissive display and frames her as the dominant one in the relationship. As most women respond sexually to male dominance, advertising the exact opposite is a turn-off.
The goal here is to make yourself more appealing so she is attracted and responds to you, rather than you having to try and endlessly jump through her hoops in pursuit of her. You don’t
beg
for sex from her. You can and should still ask for sex, and if she agrees then great, you have sex with her. But if she declines sex, act like it’s no biggie and move on with your day. But pressuring her into sex will put her shields up and make her increasingly defensive about it. Never force a woman to think about the reasons why she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she might decide on a definite answer. Whatever that answer is, will be The Mother of All Cockblocks.
beg
for sex from her. You can and should still ask for sex, and if she agrees then great, you have sex with her. But if she declines sex, act like it’s no biggie and move on with your day. But pressuring her into sex will put her shields up and make her increasingly defensive about it. Never force a woman to think about the reasons why she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she might decide on a definite answer. Whatever that answer is, will be The Mother of All Cockblocks.
(6.8) Realize She May Have No Interest in Solving the Problem
The wife who denies you sex may have zero interest in solving the problem of a sexless marriage. After all, that might damage the carefully balanced relationship she has created, where you do exactly what she wants all the time and she doesn’t have to do anything. This is why begging her to give you sex is pointless because giving you sex would be counterproductive to the relationship she worked so hard to create. If she rewards you with too much sex, she might accidentally make you sexually satisfied and that would reduce your motivation to continuously jump through her hoops, in vain hope of getting the sexual scraps she allows you.
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