Not Yet (27 page)

Moving her oxygen mask aside, she begged, “Mom, take
me home.”

Both Mom and I put on our brave faces and raced to
her side. We spoke to her calmly, stroking her arms and telling her
she was fine. Evie listened and seemed to follow what we said. She
finally settled down and noticed Landon in the room, giving him a
weak grin.

He smiled back warmly. “Evie, you gave us a scare.
We’re so glad you’re okay.”

Evie moved her oxygen mask again to speak. “Landon!
You’re here! Emma smiles more with you.” She looked over to me and
I kissed her cheek.

“Quit worrying about me, big sister. I’m fine, but
you’re right. He does make me smile.” Our eyes locked, and I was
swept up by his expression of confusion and pleasure. He really
didn’t know the effect he continued to have on me.

After visiting for a while, I walked Landon to his
truck. We were silent, but even without a word or touch, Landon’s
strength and friendship enveloped me.

We reached his truck far too quickly. Leaning against
it, he asked, “You okay?”

I was sure I looked as beat up as I felt. My worst
nightmare was Evie being hurt when she moved out. And she was. I
couldn’t help thinking that I could have prevented the accident. “I
feel like it was my fault.”

Landon crouched down to look at me carefully. “What
do you mean?”

“She calls me every night to talk, and she’s been
having a hard time adjusting to her new place. Still, I know she
wanted this so much. She wanted to be an adult, with a roommate, a
job, and a home of her own. But it’s been harder than she thought.
And she especially hates the food.”

Landon smiled kindly. “After a summer of your
cooking, I can understand why. I doubt anyone could compare.”

I couldn’t hold back my grin. “Yeah, you and Evie
have always been my biggest cooking champions. So, the other night
I suggested she make a list of her favorite foods and offer to
help, Doris, her house aide, cook. She must have decided to do it
all on her own. I should have been clearer. I should have reminded
her that she couldn’t cook without supervision.”

Landon crossed his arms over his chest. “You can’t
blame yourself for this. Didn’t Evie know that she shouldn’t use
the stove alone?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“Well, I know you like to take the weight of your
entire family on your tiny shoulders, but you can’t with this. She
moved out. She became more independent. And she made a mistake. You
couldn’t have stopped her if you tried. Now you just need to talk
to Doris and make sure everyone knows that Evie forgets things more
these days. And that she likes to help in the kitchen, so she needs
to be watched even more carefully so something like this doesn’t
happen again.”

He knew me and Evie well and he knew just what to
say. I missed him, and I wished it was okay for him to be with me
every day again. But it wasn’t. There was a lot more I longed to
say, but I couldn’t.

Not yet
.

“Thank you,” I whispered, holding back a sob.

Landon offered me a tight-lipped, half smile. “I
don’t need thanks for listening or caring. What I need, more than
anything, is to know you accept my apology for lying to you.” I
watched him, seeing how nervous he was for my answer. I knew what
he needed to hear, and I knew what I wanted to say.

“I do forgive you. I wish you hadn’t lied to me, but
you made a mistake. It’s over. I really wish everything had turned
out differently.” I exhaled deeply, months of emotions pouring out
of my lungs.

“Me too. But I’m not giving up. Please don’t give up
on us, Em. Let this be our ‘
not yet
.’ Give me one more
chance.” Landon reached out to cup my face, but I quickly stepped
back. He looked around to see if we were being watched. The threat
of public exposure was too much.

“I…I don’t know. I just…. I don’t know.” And I really
didn’t. I didn’t know what the right decision was, and I didn’t
know what the future held for me. I knew I was grateful for
Landon’s presence in my life today, and I knew I wasn’t ready to
say goodbye to him completely after this year. But other than that?
I wasn’t sure.

“Okay. That’s not a no. That’s a step in the right
direction.” Landon smiled and pulled his keys from his pocket. “Can
I stop by tomorrow and say hi to Evie during visiting hours?”

I grinned again in happy astonishment. My little
family had never known a kind, devoted guy like Landon before.
“I’ll be here. Evie would love to see you. Seriously, I can’t thank
you enough. I’m so sorry you missed your final races.”

He rolled his eyes like I was crazy. “That’s just a
bunch of people running in circles. I wouldn’t have been anywhere
else.”

“I want to hug you goodbye, but I can’t.” The words
escaped from me before I could stop them. Landon took a step toward
me and I stepped back. “See you tomorrow.” He nodded,
disappointment etched on his face, and drove away as I walked back
to the hospital alone.

I couldn’t help but think about my mom and my sister
in that hospital room. We were three women who had only ever relied
on ourselves and each other to get by. Each one of us had been
broken when one of was hurt. I had lived my life to take care of my
family, and when the shit really hit the fan, so to speak, it was
Landon I leaned on. He took charge and he took care of us. Today he
became bonded to our tribe.

Visiting hours on Sunday were from 12:00-5:00. At
12:30, a loud, gravelly, unmistakable ‘hello’ filled the room and
Garrett stood in the doorway. He was clutching a balloon and a box
of chocolates. Evie sat up in bed quickly and squealed but was soon
coughing from the sudden movement and noise.

“Garrett! You came!”

Garrett walked around her room twice, demonstrating
his ritualistic behavior, before moving to the side of her bed and
handing her his gifts. “Landon got me!”

Landon’s large frame now filled the doorway. He
winked at me and I blushed, feeling the warmth rise inside me from
knowing what he had done, once again, for my sister.

“He remembered where I lived. He told me what
happened. I’m glad you’re okay. Were you scared?” Garrett held
Evie’s hand and she squeezed it and smiled at him.

“I’m ’kay, Garrett. Don’t worry. Not for a minute.
How’d you know? I love choclate!”

Garrett looked back at Landon who shrugged
innocently. “Don’t look at me, my man! You picked out some great
stuff. I just remembered that Evie likes her desserts.”

Mom and I stared at one another for a minute, both
understanding that someone like Landon was rare in any of our
lives. I hurried over to wrap my arms around Landon’s waist.

I was pushing my self-imposed boundaries more and
more since we had arrived at the hospital yesterday. Landon had put
his hands on my shoulders, hugged me, and now I hugged him as well.
It wasn’t sexual in any way—it was an action friends would easily
take—but the fact was we were friends who had been naked together.
Any touch, any heated look, any time we were together meant
something deeper for us than it would to “regular” or
never-been-naked friends. And, yet, I still couldn’t stop
myself.

“You really are the best. How will I ever say thank
you enough?”

Landon gave me a look that made the blood race
through my veins. “I’ll think of something… I have some ideas for
May thirty first?”

I bit my bottom lip and his eyes flared. Giving his
waist a quick squeeze, I took a much needed, distance providing
step back.

“Evie is going home to her place tomorrow. They were
able to salvage the kitchen until proper repairs are made.” I
lowered my voice so only he could hear me. “The agency will not be
allowing her to cook or even be in the kitchen unsupervised after
this,” I said anxiously, and Landon nodded and went up to Evie.

“You look so much better today, darlin.’ I gotta tell
you I can’t cook at all. I mess up everything I try to make in the
kitchen. How about next time you and me watch some good television
and we ask Em to cook us her famous spaghetti with meat sauce?”

Evie thought for a minute and solemnly asked, “You
like
Good Luck Charlie
?”

Landon didn’t miss a beat as he answered with total
respect, “I love that baby, Charlie. She’s a cutie. I always wanted
to have a little brother like Gabe, too. I’ll watch
Good Luck
Charlie
with you anytime. Now, you keep getting your rest and
take care of yourself. Garrett tells me there’s a dance in two
weeks and I’m thinking that you two might be the cutest couple
there.”

Evie smiled shyly at Garrett and they giggled. We
spent the next hour chatting and laughing and I relaxed. It felt
like I was back in the summer.

My phone chirped at a text and I gasped with delight.
“Mom, Landon—Samantha and Coach Stone had their baby on Friday
night. She’s home now and asked me to stop by.”

“Sorry, I meant to say something. The whole football
team is meeting there in an hour. We have gifts and stuff for them
that the moms coordinated. Garrett, you okay to leave in five
minutes?”

Garrett gave him a thumbs up, and I said a quick
goodbye to mom and Evie. “See you there?” Landon squeezed my hand
as I hurried out the door.

Mistakes. We all make them. I spent much of my life
shutting people out and refusing to trust or love. Landon lied
about his age to be able to get closer to me. Evie ignored her
house rules and inadvertently started a kitchen fire. Each of us
were wrong in our own ways, but we all deserved to be forgiven.

***

SAMANTHA AND TOMMY lived in a charming stone
bungalow that looked like it belonged in a story book, rather than
Zionsville, Indiana. The whole neighborhood was filled with older,
modest sized, unique homes with tree-lined sidewalks and kids
playing in the front yards.

The house was crammed with friends and family that
were ogling little red-haired, blue-eyed Lily Stone. I hugged Sam
and handed her flowers and a basket of bagels I picked up on the
way. Peering down at the precious bundle in her arms, I imagined
what my baby would look like some day. Would I ever have a ‘happily
ever after’ like Sam and Tommy?

“I have to change Lily’s diaper. Will you come help
me, Emma?” I followed Sam into a pink and creamy white nursery. It
was simple, but chic—just like Sam. It was exactly what I would
have expected.

“This is so lovely, Sam. I’m so happy for you and
Tommy.” Sam smiled back at me, but something seemed off.

“Emma, I wanted you to come by today to meet Lily, of
course, but I also wanted to talk to you. I won’t be back at school
for months and I’m really worried.”

My stomach dropped with apprehension. “What is it,
Sam?”

Sam laid Lily on her changing table and began to
unsnap her polka-dot onsie. “The whole school is talking today. I’m
getting text messages from other teachers. It’s all crazy… Did you
really run out of the State Track meet with Landon Washington? In
his truck?”