Not Yet (23 page)

My mom burst through the door, dragging Evie behind
her. “Emma! Emma! We have news!” Evie was smiling, too.

“Tell me!”

Mom took a deep breath. “We just left the McMurphy
Agency. Evie has been placed in an ALU and has a job with Garrett
at the supermarket!” All along we had been waiting for approved
funding for an Alternative Living Unit. Now she would have her
chance at independence.

“Oh my God! Eves!” I pulled her into my arms, hugging
her and dancing, while tears ran down my face.

Evie wiped my tears away. “S’okay, Emma. I’m not
leavin’ til January. You still haf me for a while.”

I hugged her tight and took in my mom’s expression.
We were both so happy for Evie and her opportunity, but we were
also scared out of our minds. We knew she was struggling with
forgetfulness and confusion due to the Alzheimer’s, and now she
would be out of our care. Who would protect my sister? My mom and I
had done that our whole lives. Now, we had to give that
responsibility to someone else. A complete stranger.

Later that night, after sharing a holiday turkey
dinner that we prepared side-by-side, I crawled into bed with Evie
to snuggle and chat. Growing up, Evie had to work on her
communication skills and her ability to speak clearly. When she was
ten and I was seven years old, my mom gave us a Dictaphone and we
pretended we were news reporters. We would talk about events in our
schools, friends, the weather, and even our favorite television
shows. Evie would play back those recordings, over and over again,
giggling and listening to our conversations. Her teachers insisted
that the time we spent doing this together had significantly helped
her ability to enunciate. Even as we grew older, on many nights,
one of us would still climb into bed with the other for our
“reports.”

“Eves, do you have a report for me tonight?” I turned
sideways and caught her delighted grin as she turned to face
me.

“Tanya’s a shithead. Nothin’ but bull crap.” Evie’s
scowl deepened as she told me about the latest disagreement with
her childhood frenemy, Tanya. Interactions between these two were
common in our night time reports. I listened and tried to offer any
advice, but mostly I just let her get it out.

“Where’s Landon?” Evie had asked me that several
times over the past months, and I kept trying to evade her
inquires. I guessed my jig was up. I really didn’t want Landon’s
lies affecting my Evie. I had never brought guys around her before.
But I had this time, and she really liked him, had gotten attached,
and now she would be let down.

“Well, we aren’t dating anymore. He lied to me, Evie,
and it hurt my feelings. He’s actually a student in my class. He’s
not in college.” I watched the confusion on her face as she
processed that someone she trusted had been untruthful.

“But you luv him.” Evie’s wide eyes searched mine as
she spoke. Evie’s advice to me was always beautifully simple. And
true.

How could I explain this to her? That you could love
someone, and then be betrayed but still love them, even though
nothing could come of it. That would be way too overwhelming for
her. It was craptastically overwhelming to me. “I thought I
did.”

“You know your heart. Talk to him,” Evie stated
firmly as she squeezed my hand.

“I can’t. I’m his teacher. It isn’t right.” I
continued my argument, but I wanted to cry at the pure, loving
essence of her message. When you love someone you share it with
them. Period. End of story.

“You can’t ignore him. That’s mean.” Once again, my
sister had cut through the layers of bullshit and found the simple
solution. I was being cruel and I did care about him. He may have
been wrong, but the way I treated him was no better.

I smiled at her and kissed her forehead before
climbing out of bed. “I know it seems that way, but sometimes life
just isn’t fair.”

“Work it out, Emma. I’m the big sister. I know lots
of things.” Many times during adolescent tiffs with friends, my mom
would ask me, ‘What would Evie say?’ which always reminded me to
get to the heart of the matter—what really is important. My big
sister knew a lot.

“You do know a lot of things. Merry Christmas, sis.”
I walked out of Evie’s room, shutting the door behind me and joined
my mom on the sofa. I guess this was a night of open, honest
communication. She had poured us glasses of wine and we sat by the
Christmas tree and talked about the future.

“Emma, I’m going to apply for some jobs with normal
hours as soon as Evie is settled. With this acceptance into the
agency comes government funding to pay for Evie’s expenses. We are
going to be in good shape here. I want you to send in your
applications to graduate school in California.”

I shook my head and drank more wine. “Mom, I don’t
think that’s a good idea. What if you need me? What if the agency
doesn’t work out for Evie? I think we should wait for a while to
see how things go before we make any big decisions.”

“Emma, your sister wants this. She has worked her
whole life for a chance at independence. I know it will be hard for
you and me, but she will be taken care of there. It might not all
be just how we would do it, but she will be watched over. As her
health issues increase, the supports she receives will increase. I
won’t have to worry about money anymore or someone to watch over
Evie. We can see her when it works for everyone’s schedules. There
is no reason for you to put your dreams on hold any longer.”

I nodded, still feeling unsure.

“Unless… there is a reason to stay? Which maybe there
is…? What’s going on with Landon?” I closed my eyes and rubbed my
temples. She had asked about Landon many times, just like Evie. I’d
avoided answering and changed the topic for as long as I could.

“Yeah… I haven’t told you about that. Landon lied to
me. He’s not in college at all. In fact, he’s a senior in my econ
class.”

My mom’s eyes widened, and she took a long gulp of
wine. “Okay... Why would he lie?”

Mom stayed calm and patient as I filled her in on
Landon’s reasons for lying and our agreement that nothing would
happen this year.

“But you still want to be with him, right? I mean
when the year is over? Emma, a few months are nothing in the scheme
of life.” My mom’s lack of judgment of my situation was
heartwarming. She absolutely, always, had her kid’s best interests
at heart.

“I like him, Mom, but he’s eighteen. He has his whole
life ahead of him. He doesn’t know enough to want me.” I sat back
on the couch and spread a blanket around my knees. My mom wrapped
her arms around me and pulled me to her.

“Sweetie, you’re only twenty-one. You have your whole
life in front of you, too. It’s not that different from Landon.
Listen, he made a mistake by lying. But he lied because he was so
taken by you. Look at you! You can’t fault the boy. Emma, he is
three years younger than you. In life, that is nothing. Only in
high school is that a big deal. Give yourselves a chance. If he’s
willing to wait this year out for you, don’t shut the door.”

I rested my head on her shoulder and was again
comforted by her love. “You really think so?” I wished I would have
told both Evie and my mom this sooner. Why had I kept my hurt from
them for so long? Why was I always so closed off? I felt like I was
back to being the kid who tried not to smile in public. Just like
then, I still hid my pain and my feelings from even those that were
closest to me. It was time to stop hiding.

“This time next year, he will be in college, you will
be in California in grad school, and you both could have a
successful long-term relationship. Maybe it won’t work. Maybe it
will. What’s the harm in trying?”

I listened and processed, not sure what the right
move was for myself. I knew it couldn’t hurt to apply to grad
schools, and we would see what happened from there. All I could
think was that five months was a long time to wait. I again wished
I could say I was a patient person.

Learning when to hold on and when to let go in life
was a challenge. With Evie, I knew it was time to let go and let
her have her freedom and long awaited independence. It would
challenge my heart and soul, but it would allow her a chance to
truly live.

Whether it was right to let go or fight for Landon?
That was a lesson I hadn’t yet learned.

***

FORD KNEW I was tight on funds and that I ran on
the gym treadmill almost every morning, so he convinced me to be
his assistant coach for Indoor Track and Field. We basically
supervised the students running the halls inside of Zionsville
Academy every day after school. January and February were brutal in
Indiana. There was snow and ice almost every day, so it wasn’t safe
for the kids to run outside and the cold air was the perfect recipe
for pneumonia. Many hardcore athletes at the school ran Indoor
Track to stay in shape for spring sports, so I wasn’t shocked to
see Dean and Landon at our first practice.

Ford and I had changed out of our teaching clothes,
and each wore track pants and hoodies while we coached. Landon
stretched and told Dean about skiing and partying in Colorado over
break. I didn’t realize I was staring until I looked up and saw his
mirthful expression.

Whipping my head away, flustered, I attempted to keep
my focus on taking attendance and passing out meet schedules.

“So, did you hook up with some hot chicks over
break?” Dean loudly asked Landon as they finished stretching.

“Nope, no one in Colorado interested me,” Landon
answered Dean, but he stared at me as soon as Dean looked down.

“What’s wrong with you? You haven’t hooked up with
anyone this year. You get an STD or something?” Dean poked Landon
and Landon punched his arm back.

“I’m over high school chicks. Too much drama. I’m
waiting for college next year. And I’m clean, you douche.” Landon
quickly looked to me as he spoke to Dean and then gave him the
classic one finger salute. Dean laughed loudly at the gesture, but
he shook his head and walked away.

I met with Billy, our team manager, to discuss
uniforms for the meets. Billy had autism, though he was verbal and
did very well academically. Billy’s issues were purely social. He
had a hard time talking to other students and would often say
things that were brusque or inappropriate. Billy was a sophomore
and was having a hard time in school. Kids were picking on him,
giving him wedgies, dumping his books, and pushing him around. I
couldn’t wait to catch the asshole that would pick on him in front
of me. Billy looked like he weighed sixty pounds and was no more
than five feet tall. He wore thick glasses and had wild, unkempt
brown hair. His jeans were always too short and tight and his shoes
had Velcro closures. He was a threat to no one, and I was pissed
that people were torturing him for their own personal
entertainment.

Landon came up as I sat with Billy and spoke to him.
“Hi, Billy. Glad you’re on the team.”

Billy looked up toward the ceiling and nodded, busy
working on his spreadsheet, and avoiding any direct eye contact. He
may not have had his social radar up to catch that comment, but I
sure had. I loved that Landon hadn’t referenced him as just the
manager, but he included him as part of the whole team. Landon got
it—that for someone like Billy, this was as close to being a part
of a team as he would ever get.

While other kids would look at him differently,
because his contribution was not athletic and he wasn’t able to
bond in an easy social manner, Landon wanted Billy to belong. He
expected
that Billy would become part of the team… and so
Billy would.

I motioned Landon to the side and spoke softly, “Is
that who you told me about at the pool? The student who’s a
loner?”

Billy sat meticulously logging in uniform numbers,
while my protective inner big sister emerged and prepared for
battle.