Not Yet (25 page)

I smiled as I turned off the treadmill and grabbed my
water bottle. It was nice to have a friendly interaction with
Landon again. The past few months had been difficult on both of
us.

Rounding the corner, I came to an abrupt stop. Landon
was leaning against the wall, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Hey, are you okay?” I whispered, hoping to not
attract any attention from the guys across the hall.

Landon opened his eyes and looked at me with such
quiet desperation I almost turned away. It was too much. I wasn’t
sure I could see him like this and then continue on with my school
day.

“You looked so… I went right back to this summer.
Watching you run on the treadmill. Every day, Em. Every day we were
together. I got to hold you, kiss you, and love you. How are you
doing this? How are you okay with this? With not being able to
touch each other? ‘Cause I’m not okay.”

He leaned over to my ear and paused. “I want you so
fucking much.” This time I clenched my eyes at his words spoken
hotly in my ear.

When I opened them, he was staring at me, searching
for some clue as to how I was feeling. I had to give him something.
I had to be honest and let him know that, while I had to follow the
parameters we had set, I did miss him. I was suffering. I did
care.

“What do you want from me? What do you want to hear?
That I was falling in love with you this summer? I was. That it was
the most incredible time of my life? It was. That these are the
darkest days I have known? They are. But these little moments,
seeing you, laughing with you, knowing you are here with me—they
get me through. Land, sometimes all I can do is think about what
could happen after May thirty first.”

Landon’s eyes darkened, and I knew it would take all
of our control to not fuck up at this moment. He took a step closer
when Dean’s voice rang out.

“Landon, where are you, you snatch-bucket? I
challenged you to forty pull ups. Don’t hide like the little prick
you are.”

Landon looked pissed, but I leaned up on my toes and
whispered, “Well, I can vouch for the little prick part not being
true.”

He burst out laughing and banged his head lightly
back on the wall. I waved and ran off before Dean could catch a
glimpse of our intimate moment. That had been way too close for
comfort. Landon and I had to keep more distance. It was too hard to
be close to him when we had the connection we did. But I had to do
something to ease his pain. If he really was going to be faithful
to me for the remainder of the year, he deserved to know that I was
hurting every bit as much as he was, and that there was a chance
that I’d be there at the end.

***

MY KINDLE BEEPED, signifying it was almost out
of power again.
Ugh
. These nights I read so much, with
nothing else to do and no one to talk to, that I frequently drained
the power on my most favorite possession. Plugging it in to an
outlet near my nightstand, I lay back and listened. Silence
surrounded me. Evie’s moving out had been so much harder than I
ever anticipated. Everything lately had been harder than I
anticipated. Weren’t things supposed to get easier as we got older
and learned more? Evidently not.

Evie moved into her townhome last week. Her new
roommate, Marla, also had Down syndrome and seemed nice enough. She
was very shy, and Doris, the woman hired to live with them and help
at the home, was quiet as well. I worried about Evie constantly. I
was used to having her with me while mom worked at night. Now, I
was alone. I thought about Landon on nights like these, knowing he
was often alone in his house, with his parents out socializing or
working. I hadn’t realized until recently just how much he must
have enjoyed the companionship that Evie and I brought him this
past summer. Now we both sat alone in our homes, unable to connect
in any way. It was so painfully silent.

The phone rang next to me and I glanced at the clock.
9:01 pm. That would be Evie. I told her on the first day she moved
out that she could call anytime, but that I’d like to say goodnight
sometime around 9:00. I usually got up at 5:00 am to work out
before school, so I tried to get to sleep early. Evie took that,
like most things, literally. She called each and every night at
9:01 to say goodnight.

“Hello, my Evie!”

“Hello? Emma?”

“Yes, Evie, it’s me. How are you?”

“How did you know it’s me?”

I smiled into the phone. “Just a guess. How’s my
sister tonight? Have a report for me?” Even though we weren’t lying
side-by-side in bed, I still asked for her nightly report on her
day. I was sure she thought it was for her benefit, to keep her
smiling and feeling loved. But the benefit was all mine. I missed
her like crazy and hearing the report on her day kept me connected
in a small but crucial way.

“I hated dinner.”

“Oh, no. What did you have to eat?” Evie loved food.
She loved to eat, she loved to help cook, and she loved to discuss
meals. She and I started watching cooking shows together years ago,
and so I knew all her favorite meals.

“Doris said we haf to eat healfy. Bull crap.”

“Now, Evie, the McMurphy Agency told Mom and me that
they are committed to providing healthy meals for all of their
clients. That’s a good thing. I try to be healthy too, you
know.”

“She made something green and bad. Fale?”

I snorted. Wow, Doris. Mighty brave of you. Cooking
kale for Marla and Evie? “I think you mean kale. That’s an acquired
taste. I understand that you might not care for it. What else did
you eat?”

“Pork chops and rice. Boring.”

“Next time you come here for dinner I’ll make you
spaghetti, garlic bread, and chocolate cake. Sound good?”

Evie was quiet for a few minutes. Then she
sniffled—she was crying. She hadn’t cried to me since before she
moved in.
Shit
. If someone was cruel to her, I was driving
there right now to get her. “Evie? Are you okay?”

“No. I don’t like it here. Can I come home?”

I swallowed the boulder that was lodged in my throat.
I had feared this conversation since the moment she moved into her
new home. I knew it was coming. At our home, Evie was the center of
our universe. Now, she was being treated as a true adult. Her
opinions and wants didn’t always come first. She had a roommate’s
desires and needs that had to be balanced with her own. She had an
adult who was not her mother watching over her. Someone who
requested her help, even when Evie might not feel like giving it.
The first week I moved into the dorms at college, I missed home
terribly, but I knew I couldn’t quit and walk away. I had to use
all of my inner strength and adapt. Evie would have to do the same.
She wanted her own place. She wanted to be an adult. But she would
have to learn, like everyone else, that it wasn’t always easy.

“I wish I could say yes, Eves, but I can’t. You have
your own home now and it isn’t like going to camp or on vacation.
We have to think of ways to make it work for you, but you can’t
give up.”

“I know. But today sucked.” Evie sniffled
quietly.

“Some days do. I get that. But tomorrow is a new day.
Can you think of a list of dinners that you’d like to help Doris
cook? You could talk to her about them at your Monday house
meeting. I bet she would love to hear your ideas.”

I wanted to tell Evie that my days were sucking too,
without her in them. That not only was I unable to be with the only
boy I’d ever loved, but my only sibling, my real best friend, was
gone too. I wanted her to make ME feel better, because she could
always do that for me. But she needed me more now. And if Evie
could make it through these first tough months of independence, she
would settle down and find happiness.

“’Kay. Thanks, sis. Can you help me think of some?” I
closed my eyes and lay back on my pillow. Evie and I spent the next
hour brainstorming healthy, fun meals for her new home. I even got
her laughing by the end. We may not have been in the same home, but
we would always have a connection like no other.

“You’re such a loser, Brian.”

“Seriously. Have you ever even been near a girl? Had
one date? I bet the dweeb hasn’t even kissed a girl.”

“It takes effort to be this lame, Brian.”

I listened to the junior boys picking on Brian, a shy
sophomore on the track team, hidden from their view as I sat with
Billy around the corner. I stood up to intervene, but I stopped
when I heard Landon’s voice.

“What the hell, guys?” Landon approached the group
loudly and I waited to hear how he would handle this situation.

“What do you think you’re doing? Gary, Bradshaw,
Isaac? You’re football players. You know better. We are a team
here. This is a brotherhood. We respect each other and have each
other’s backs. There are enough assholes out there picking on
people. Not here. Not on this team. Not in this family. Hear
me?”

The boys mumbled apologies to Landon and then to
Brian, and I heard them jog away. Landon spoke quietly to Brian. I
strained my ears and could just make out what he said.

“I’m sorry about those guys, man. Some of the seniors
on the team last year picked on them and treated them like crap.
Now they feel like it’s their turn to make someone else feel like
shit. The cycle has to stop here. Promise me you won’t do the same
next year?”

“No way. I hear you. Thanks, Landon.” Brian’s pride
and gratitude was discernable. Both boys jogged off and I exhaled
slowly. Landon was changing—growing up—and changing others, right
before my eyes. And he did that without knowing anyone was watching
or listening. Next to me, Billy smiled widely. He looked down as
soon as he caught my eye, but he had heard the whole conversation
as well. This was big. Landon was different and showing it to
everyone around him.