Not Yet (18 page)

I’m a coward
.

I waited too long. I thought I timed it perfectly.
I’d get back from football camp, and we’d both be so desperate for
each other that when I admitted to her I was still in high
school—but eighteen—she’d forgive me. She’d understand when I
explained that I was a legal adult and had been since May. My
egocentric, sports focused father had me repeat motherfucking
preschool so I’d be one of the biggest boys in my grade. ‘Better
chance to play ball, son,’ he’d say whenever I asked why all the
birthday parties I went to were for younger kids. I knew everyone
assumed I was held back because I was stupid. Nope, the brain was
working just fine; it was always about sports.

When I read her text that she got a job, I was sure
it was a middle school position, like she said she wanted. And I
knew she’d be thrown by my secret and probably furious with me, but
I was ready. I was ready to tell her how much I loved her, and that
we could make it through this one year. We needed to be together. I
got her—and she sure as hell got me.

As long as I live, I’d never forget her face when she
turned around, and I realized she was my econ teacher—and she
realized I’d lied to her all along. Her beautiful green eyes, the
ones I had worked all summer to make sparkle with happiness,
flashed with anger and pain. And, then, suddenly they dulled. It
was as quick and as forcefully as when the power went out during a
tornado. Empty, blank—they were vacant once again. I did that. To
my Emma.

I’m an asshole.

She shook. Her face paled and her whole body shook.
My friends snickered and laughed, but I couldn’t react. I couldn’t
move a muscle. I was dying—
dying
—inside that I had caused
this, and I couldn’t show it. If anyone suspected anything, she’d
lose her job.

I’m a dick.

And then here at her apartment. At the place I’d come
to feel was kind of my home too. At the place we shared our
thoughts, our meals, and our most physical experiences together,
she shut me down. She begged me, if I ever cared about her, to
leave her alone.

If I ever cared about her? I loved her with a passion
that rocked me. I’d do anything she asked of me. Even if it meant
pretending she meant nothing to me.

I’m so fucking sorry, Emma.

Labor Day weekend. Summer was over and the pool was
closing. Somehow Emma had managed to have no interaction at all
with me besides grading my papers and writing my name down on the
pool schedule—making sure our guard times never intersected. My
last shift was over in the next five minutes, and there was only
one person here I wanted to say goodbye to.

“Hey bud.” I spoke loudly, hoping to get his
attention, but not wanting to startle him.

Trevor paused the song on his iPod and slipped his
oversized headphones off his ears. He waved hello with his free
hand.

“Whattcha listening to?” I asked, sitting next to him
on the bench.

Trevor handed me his headphones and I grinned,
enjoying the smoothly cool rhythm of Aloe Blacc’s
The Man.
Trevor gave me a thumbs up as I sat back and bobbed my head to the
beat.

As the song ended, I returned Trevor’s headphones.
“Listen bud, the pool closes tomorrow. Did you know that?”

Trevor nodded his head, but kept his eyes focused on
the ground.

“I’ve had a really good time hanging out with you
this summer. I’m real happy you decided to get in the pool, and
it’s been cool just sitting together and groovin’ to our
tunes.”

Trevor shot me a small smile and nodded again.

“I’m not working tomorrow, so I need to say goodbye
now. I already asked your mom this, but I wanted to ask you too.
Can we still hang out?”

Trevor’s head whipped up and his eyes were full of
relief… and excitement. I felt that lump in my throat again and he
vigorously nodded.

“I’m going to put my cell phone number in your iPod
here and you can message me anytime. I was thinking we could grab a
doughnut next weekend or something? Oh, and your mom told me she
would bring you to my football game on Friday night. Sound good,
bud?” Trevor watched, a look of awe on his face, while I programmed
my number in his iPod. He turned to me and his eyes welled with
tears. Furiously, he wiped them away before stretching out his hand
to shake mine.

Now my damn eyes felt watery. Was it this easy? Was
it this simple to be there for someone who didn’t have many people
in his corner? Why had I wasted so many years caught up in nothing
but my own bullshit? No matter if Emma never forgave me, she taught
me the most important lesson of my life. That the Trevors of the
world mattered—even when they couldn’t say so themselves.

I shook my head at his outstretched hand, realizing
that a handshake was woefully inadequate, and pulled Trevor into a
hug, smacking his back lightly before we each pulled away. I waved
goodbye, picked up my bag from the guard house, and headed to my
truck. My phone pinged and I read the text from Trevor:

Wish I could talk. I’d say thank you. Thanks for
being my only friend.

I jumped into my truck, reversing, and tearing out of
the parking lot before anyone could see the tears streaming down my
face.

***

THE NEXT COUPLE of weeks went by better than I
expected. The pool closed and I had been able to schedule Landon
and me at opposite times so I didn’t have to see him in the guard
house. Every time I looked at that couch, I thought of things that
made my heart race. I missed the Landon I knew this summer with all
my heart, but I hated the Landon that betrayed me.

On my last day at the pool, I got a chance to say
goodbye to Carol and Trevor. I hugged each of them and Trevor gave
me a thumbs up before jumping in the pool to swim with his sister.
Carol told me a tearful thank you for my time and dedication in
working with her son and helping him overcome his fears. In
reality, it was all Landon. Trevor felt safe around the big guy and
also had fun with him. He admired Landon, but, most importantly,
Landon had earned Trevor’s trust. He had earned mine, too… and then
broke it to pieces. But looking back on my summer, I would always
remember working with Trevor and the amazing breakthrough that I
saw. After all, he had helped me learn that it is possible to
overcome your biggest fears and jump into unknown waters.

I hadn’t done either of those things yet in my life,
but if Trevor could do it, I needed to as well.

In school, Landon sat in the back of my classroom,
ignoring me as I ignored him. His comrades continued to whisper
about me, laugh, and generally make me uncomfortable. The rest of
my classes were a joy, though, and I felt like I was fitting in as
a staff member at Zionsville Academy.

After Sam passed me running along the side of the
road after school one afternoon, she told me that many of the
female teachers worked out in the girls’ weight room before school.
None of the students, except for football players on the boys’
side, worked out before school, so the physical education teachers
let the staff use the area.

I was relieved. I was saving all my money to help Mom
and Evie, so I couldn’t justify a gym membership, even a cheap one.
But working out was a huge part of my life and a real stress
reliever for me—and I needed all the relief I could find. After
Landon had taught me all summer about muscle development and
workout training schedules, I was anxious to keep up and not let my
progress stop.

The next day I got to school an hour early and ran as
fast as I could on the treadmill. I was alone in the gym and the
silence was calming. Knowing I still had to leave the girls workout
room and head to the faculty showers, I quickly finished my
abdominal routine and pushups. Sweat poured down me, and the stress
from the start of the school year began to ease. But I also knew I
could run forever and it wouldn’t stop the pain that coursed
through my body when I pictured Landon in the back row of my
classroom.

I walked out of the room, chugging water from my
bottle, and slammed into a wall. My water splashed all over me and
the wall, which was wearing a “Zionsville Athletics” shirt. I
didn’t even have to look up. The wall chuckled as I attempted to
collect myself.

“Hello, Landon.” My half-smile made him laugh
harder.

“Why do we always run into each other in gyms?” He
looked me up and down, and I wished the water, mixing with my
sweat, wasn’t running down my chest and arms. I also wished that I
was in a full body snowsuit, rather than the skin tight and
all
of a sudden
quite revealing workout outfit I’d hastily decided
to wear this morning.

“Just trying to stay in shape, Mr. Washington. How
about you?” I took another step backwards.

“You know I love early morning workouts. I miss my
partner, though. She was worth getting up early for. ” He whispered
to me in his usual cocky tone, and I looked at him with narrowed
eyes. “It’s hard in the morning… getting up I mean.” Landon’s grin
stretched across his face as my jaw dropped. Cheeky bastard.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to get up without
her. Being let down can be painful, but you’ll get over it. Trust
me on that.” I scooted past him and felt his eyes follow me down
the hall until I turned into the faculty room. How quickly we went
from touching each other and stealing kisses while working out, to
being awkward and uncomfortable in each other’s presence. Fabulous.
My life was freaking fabulous.