In Too Deep (22 page)

Thirty-Seven

“So how was your little ice cream date? What the hell? You two in preschool?”

“Noah, stop being such a jackass. You know how much I like ice cream. Jake was being nice. You should try it sometime.”

I should have known Noah would call and interrupt the fun I was having with Stacy. Windows down and music blaring was the only way to head home. Especially after the day I had just had.

“Yeah, I know a lot of things you like.” He clicked his tongue and I could almost see his sick and twisted grin. That made my stomach churn.

But Jake’s talents far surpass yours.
My mouth opened, but I lost my nerve. I just needed to hang up. “Noah, I need to go.”

He was pissed but he growled out, “Goodbye.” I reached into my backpack and grabbed my journal and a pencil. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write, I just needed to let something out of my soul before it exploded all over the inside of Stacy’s Jetta. Her beige interior would be an easy backdrop for the sort of ugly that would splatter from inside me. I reached forward and turned up the music.

My journal fell open and a purple sealed envelope fell onto my lap. I turned it over and saw my name in Jake’s handwriting.

Stacy looked over and smiled. It was a simple card with two big numbers on the front. A two and a one. Inside there was some silly poem about drinking and puking and doing it all over again. In Jake’s handwriting at the bottom was a simple note.

Wish I was the one ringing in your big birthday with you.

Love you, Jake

It was hard to hide the huge grin his words evoked. “So, you making the switch?”

“Stacy, I have no idea what I’m doing. Jake told me he was falling in love with me.”

“Are you kidding? Damn, you are one lucky girl.”

“But I don’t think he should.”

“Don’t think he should what?” Stacy was trying so hard to hold eye contact but the fact that she was driving kept pulling her gaze from boring a hole in the side of my head.

“Love me. Not like that anyway. After the shit with Noah, I’ve lost myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“Do you trust Jake?”

“More than I’ve ever trusted anyone.” I quietly drew in a deep breath while trying to hold back the tears.

“Then trust him that
he
knows who he’s falling in love with. Let him help you find yourself again, Gracie. You deserve to be loved the way I know Jake will love you.”

I nodded and slid down in my seat. I wasn’t sure there was room for Jake in my heart because I wasn’t sure I had pushed all of Noah out. I knew they couldn’t both exist there. Lyrics from the next few songs dulled the ache in my chest. I sat perfectly still and just absorbed the meanings and innuendos that always seemed to speak to me in times like this. The clash of the symbols, sharp beats of the drum and Ronnie Winter’s voice pulled me from my daze. He sang of a girl who was repeatedly slammed face down by her boyfriend but kept insisting it didn’t hurt. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus wrote “Face Down” about abuse. The lyrics hit me hard. I needed Jake’s arms but he was now three hours away.

I closed my eyes and took in the lyrics to every song like medicine for my soul. I couldn’t text Jake that I needed him. That was only helping him to hang on to something I didn’t know I could give him. My phone buzzed.

Jake: Hugging you right this minute.

God, he was incredible.

Me: Hugging you right back. You have no idea how perfect your timing is.

Jake: Well that’s good to know.

Me: :) Thank you for the card.

Jake: :) Bday plans?

Me: None.

Jake: Why?

Me: Stacy is headed out of town with her family. Everyone else is flying away somewhere exotic.

Jake: Why didn’t WE think of that?

Me: Seriously.

Jake: Call me if you need me.

Me: I always need you, Jake.

Shit. I should never have sent that. My damn fingers got away from me and I hit send.

Jake: Ditto

Oh, Sweet Jesus, help me.

Thirty-Eight

There was a knock at my door but I just barely heard it because Neil Young was “Rockin’ in the Free World” through my ear buds.

“It’s open,” I called out probably louder than I needed to but it was always hard to judge my volume when I had music pumping into my brain.

My mom walked in carrying a load of my clean laundry. She smiled, set the pile on my dresser and came over to sit on my bed with me.

“You didn’t have to do my laundry, Mom. I do it myself at school.” I smiled letting her know it was appreciated and then plucked the buds from my ears.

“So, tonight’s the big night.” I should have known she would be dreading the night I could legally drink. Little did she know I dreaded spending my birthday with Noah. He had called a couple days before and convinced me going out was a reasonable request because, after all, it was my big night. I didn’t want to spend my birthday at home so I caved.

“Yeah. You’re officially old.”

“No.
You’re
old. Not a kid anymore. An adult. A
responsible
adult.”

“Ma, you really think I will be irresponsible tonight?”

“I didn’t say that. Did I give you that impression?”

“You always give me that impression, Mom.” I looked up at her through guilty eyes.

“Gracie, my intention is not to make you feel irresponsible, I’m sorry if I make you feel that way.”

I looked down at my hands, folded and placed in my lap. I sat cross-legged on my bed like a preschooler and thought of Noah’s idiot comment about Jake and I sharing ice cream. She would think it was irresponsible to stay with Noah.

“Mom, do you think people can change?” I needed her opinion. I was scared this question would take us into uncharted territory, but I was so lost, so confused. I would take anything she could give me.

“Yes. I think they can,” she paused and reached out and touched my knee, “but only if change is part of their own agenda. I don’t believe people can change
for
someone else. I think they can try, but I don’t think it is ever a long-term change.”

I looked down at her hand on my knee and I thought of all the times we sat in these exact spots and talked about boys. She always knew how to help me sort out my feelings. I took her hand in mine and twirled her wedding band around her finger.

“Gracie, if you
need
him to change, you
need
to walk away.

I was so torn up even my mom, who was the eternal optimist, started questioning my decision to continue to have Noah in my life.

“Mom, you know the phrase ‘Love conquers all’?”

“Sure I do, Gracie. But how can it be love when it doesn’t make you happy? I haven’t seen you smile more than twice since you’ve been home. I’m worried. You’re not the girl I sent off to school a couple years ago. Do you remember that girl?”

“I don’t, Mom.” I bit the inside of my lip so I didn’t cry.

“Honey, maybe it’s time to say goodbye to Noah. Maybe your story is over.”

“Did Daddy ever hurt you?”

“Gracie?” I felt her body jolt to attention.

“No, Mom. Not physically. Has he ever been mean?”

“Mean? Not once.”

“Never?”

“True love and a mean spirit cannot coexist in a relationship. They are two opposing forces. Someone who is consistently and/or intentionally mean, in my opinion, is not able to accept or give unconditional love.”

The ring of my cell phone startled me, and I let go of my mom’s hand to answer it. She smiled at me and brushed some loose strands of hair from my face.

“When will you be ready?” Noah’s voice didn’t sound all that excited about taking me out for my birthday.

“I can be ready whenever you need me to be.” I put my hand over the mouthpiece and whispered, “It’s Noah.”

She stood and kissed me on the top of my head and whispered, “Don’t ever settle, Gracie. You’re worth your weight in gold.”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I tried but failed to swallow the sob that tried to escape my throat. Whenever I forced myself to visualize that it was really over with Noah it was like I was standing on the lip of a precipice. There was nothing that came after it. No more steps to take. It just ended. And I saw nothing ahead of me. Nothing. Just empty space.

I watched my mom leave my room and was in awe of the woman she was. As I worked to swallow unshed sobs, I wondered if the love she felt from my dad is what gave her the strength she exuded. She was so sure of herself and so happy. For a minute, I forgot I was on the phone with Noah. I wiped tears from my face and tried to focus on what he had said.

“I’ll be there at nine.”

“Wait. You’re not picking me up until nine for my birthday
dinner
?”

“No dinner. Just appetizers or something, then at midnight we get you loaded.”

It was then I realized maybe Noah wasn’t going all out for my birthday because I made it very clear that this was not a get-Gracie-drunk-and-have-my-way-with-her kind of night. Noah and I were done. Over. We were going out as friends. Just friends.

“I see. So, no comedy club. Just drinks at the bar?” Jerk. Over the past year, I had dropped at least a hundred hints about wanting to go to a comedy club for my big night. I wanted it to be something memorable enough that I wouldn’t miss having a bar tour. Even as just friends, he could have at least given me that.

“We don’t have to do
any
thing…” His tone made me shudder.

“No, I didn’t mean for it to sound ungrateful. Just making sure I have the plan straight.”

Here I am again. Apologetic.

“Look, I have to go. Meet me at Chubby Louie’s at nine?”

“Meet you? You’re not coming to get me? I have to drive?”

“Jesus! Fine! I will come get you.”

“You know what, Noah, don’t do me any favors. I don’t need you to entertain me on my birthday, I am sure I could find someone else to take me out.”

I knew he would get a flash of me and Jake in his mind with that comment. Part of me felt badly for using Jake that way. But I just really wanted to go out for my twenty-first birthday. Technically, I guess I was using Noah for that.

“Would you just calm down. I was joking. Of course, I am picking you up. I’m going to be pouring drinks down your throat. You won’t be in any condition to drive.”

“Noah, I am not getting shitfaced tonight. I just want to…”

“Oh. My. Lord! Why are you being so overly sensitive? It’s getting on my nerves.”

“Sorry. See you at nine.”

It was all I could do to hold in the next wave of sobs until I hit end on my phone. He talked out of both sides of his mouth, and it had me walking on eggshells when I swore I wasn’t going to do that anymore. Nothing I said was right. It was more than just mood swings. Sometimes I thought he was certifiably insane. But most times he convinced me I was the crazy one.

Why would he even offer to take me anywhere if it was such a hassle? It would have been less painful if he just said he had other plans. But as I rehashed the phone conversation I realized he was incapable of being who I needed him to be. He gave it a good shot pretending to be a good guy, but his true self kept peeking through the façade. I was a mess and my stomach was in knots trying to build up my self-confidence before he got there. I wanted to see him hesitate when he saw me. I wanted to see that look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in so long. I wanted him to want me. Because, now, he couldn’t have me.

I threw my iPod in the dock, maxed the volume and hit shuffle.

Eve 6, “Inside Out.” Something about a heart in a blender. How appropriate. I threw myself down on my bed, buried my face in the pillow I’d had since I was little. And just like a little girl I cried until my body convulsed with each staggered breath.

Beautiful oblivion. That’s where I was the night of my big birthday. Sometimes being oblivious could be beautiful. But as I teetered on the edge of insanity I realized there was nothing beautiful about oblivion.

Buzz.

Jake: Have a happy birthday. Be safe baby girl.

Thirty-Nine

Black and white striped, scoop-neck top, threadbare jeans, and my favorite black Converse. I was ready. What better time to start learning how to be “me” and not someone defined by anyone else. I refused to exist to solely be the person that filled a specifically shaped space in Noah’s life.

The first ten minutes of the ride to Chubby Louie’s were quiet and awkward, but a couple good songs later and it was the exact opposite of what I was expecting. Of course it was. Because
I’m
the crazy one. It was like he had flipped a switch and the Noah on the phone was not the same Noah I was riding with in the car. We sang to classic rock and laughed our asses off when one of us would sing the wrong words. At one point, he reached over and squeezed my leg. I moved my leg away.

“You look hot,” he called out over The Allman Brothers as we pulled up to a red light.

I looked down at my hands trying not to look uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?”

Apparently I suck at that.

“Nothing.” I shook my head and looked out the window desperately wanting to get to Chubby Louie’s.

“I love to hear you laugh. It’s sexy when—”

“Noah, we are celebrating my birthday as friends…just friends, okay?”

He pulled ahead when the light turned green and turned into Chubby Louie’s parking lot. His face softened and his eyes, those big brown puppy dog eyes, were sad. He looked straight ahead at his steering wheel. I tried not to let his apparent sadness get to me. But my heart flinched just a little.

“Noah, we broke up. I obviously wasn’t enough for you. You always seemed irritated with me.”

“I just got irritated when it felt like we were married. It freaked me out.”

“We’ve been over this. All the things that define a relationship…those are the things you don’t like?” I laughed out of discomfort and because I was terrified this would be the worst birthday of my life if I didn’t try to lift the weight of this conversation.

He looked a little confused but laughed along with me then grabbed my hand and kissed me across my knuckles.

“How about I just try to be less of a dick and we see how things go?”

“How about you just try to be my friend.”

“Come on, let’s go in and get ready to drink together…legally.” He covered up his lack of response to the “friend” comment by changing the subject to drinking. I hoped it sunk in so we could have fun.

Chubby Louie’s was always a good time. It was this hole in the wall kind of place off the beaten path that people from all walks of life enjoyed. There were people who looked like they came straight from work. There were local community college kids taking advantage of the cheap appetizers and buy one-get one bottles of beer, and people who didn’t seem to have any specific demographic-defining characteristics.

We got a table in the back. It was dark and not as loud as the tables by the bar and the dance floor. We had two and a half hours to entertain ourselves until I could have my first legal drink. I was actually excited. Noah’s mood stayed steady, and the pressure I was feeling in the car actually lifted a bit. I couldn’t remember the last time it was just the two of us and we weren’t mad at each other.