In Too Deep (9 page)

“Hey, I have to study for my Business Admin exam tomorrow, so I gotta go.”

Ah, the reason for the backpack.

“What about breakfast?”

And why are you freaking out about the words “make love”?

“Yeah, I don’t have the time I thought I did.”

My heart called to him again. I stood at the end of the driveway of Sigma Chi. He leaned in and kissed me quickly on the cheek, then saluted and walked away. I spun on my heel and headed toward my apartment in the opposite direction which seemed illustrative of how I felt about us at the moment. Going different directions.

Thirteen

The two-block walk to my apartment felt different. I woke up a proud Sigma Chi girlfriend, but each sentence between us that morning chased away the pride, and I was left with shame. I no longer felt like that girl doing the “beauty queen wave” to all the passersby who saw me leave the Sigma Chi house in the morning. Instead, I hung my head and quickly shuffled past everyone, hoping they didn’t see my smeared makeup and bedhead. This was less of the celebratory parade of a few months ago and more like the infamous college euphemism, “walk of shame.”

As I walked, Joel came to mind. I hated the feeling that I may be losing Noah just a little more than a year after ending the stale boredom that was my relationship with Joel. Poor guy, he held on for dear life.

I had never cheated on anyone in my life, but what I had done to Joel was unfair. I knew I had to tell him about the kiss. I thought maybe we would fight and he would ask me point blank, “Do you want to be with him?” I did. I knew I did. But I didn’t know how I was going to live through breaking someone’s heart. My breath hitched as I remembered that phone call.

Early August, Summer before Sophomore Year

The morning after the Jack Johnson serenade I sat on my bed trying to calm my nerves. I took a deep breath and dialed. I kept my hand on my chest as if holding my heart together would protect Joel’s as well. I hated that it was by phone, but he had taken a second job, so by mid-summer, we didn’t see each other at all.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hey, beautiful!” His voice was so cheery. He said it with a delighted sigh.

Oh good grief. This guy was never in a bad mood.
Please be in a bad mood so this doesn’t hurt so much.

“How was work?”
Please say the most beautiful girl in the world walked into your restaurant and swept you off your feet. Please, Joel.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m here with you now.”

“Yeah.”

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Listen, there’s something I have to tell you.” My stomach was already in knots and I hadn’t even told him I wanted to see other people yet.

“Um, okay.” I heard the clunk of the footrest go down on his favorite chair. “What?” There was fear in his voice. We hadn’t talked about Noah since the night of the fireworks when I called to let him know I was home. But I had a feeling he had started to suspect something.

“This isn’t something you are going to want to hear. I want you to know that I do love you, but…”

“There’s the
but
I knew was coming. What did that creep do to you?!”

“No, it’s not like that. Joel…”

“Just tell me already.” He remained calm, but there was more urgency in his voice than I was used to hearing.

I would just have to spit it all out in one long confession. If I stopped, I’d never get it all out. “Joel, the night of the fireworks, I kissed him. I kissed Noah. It was just a small kiss, nothing romantic. Just a peck. And…”

“You kissed him?”

No. No. No. Don’t interrupt me.

I was running solely on momentum, and he stopped me dead in my tracks. I needed to get the last part out, the part where I broke up with him.

“Yeah.” The line went quiet. I actually thought he hung up.

“Hello?

“Say it again.”

“What?” I heard what he said, but I needed a moment to prepare to say those words, and before I stopped this time, I needed to break right into the
I think we need to see other people
part. My heart pounded, and my legs shook so badly the pompoms that hung from my bed post fell to the floor.

“Say it again.” His voice was sad and low.

Here goes. I sucked in the deepest breath I’d ever taken, and I held it for a second, hoping I would faint before I had to do this again. “We kissed, Joel. Noah and I kissed the night of the fireworks. And, that’s why I think we should…”

“Wow,” he interrupted again.

“Wow?”

“I was just hoping it would hurt less the second time you said it. It didn’t.”

“Please don’t hate me.”

“Hate you? Babe, I love you with all my heart. We will get through this. We just have to set up some boundaries so he can’t pressure you ever again.”

Pressure me? Shit. He didn’t pressure me. As much as I fought with my mind over it, I wanted that kiss with every ounce of my being. I had hoped Joel would just hate me and break up with me. It seemed desperate of him to hang on so tightly when I was halfway gone already.

As guilty as I still felt for cheating on Joel, replaying that conversation in my mind served a purpose, making the walk of shame go by faster. I walked up to my apartment building and repeated that last thought in my mind, “It seemed desperate of him to hang on so tightly when I was halfway gone already.” Maybe I should take my own advice.

I looked up when I walked into the lobby and heard the elevator doors open. Sam and Jake were both laughing as they walked out. But when they saw me, their faces fell. They sped up to get to me.

“Gracie?” Jake said it but Sam’s eyes showed the same concern I heard in Jake’s voice. .

“Hey guys.”

“You okay?” Sam spoke and Jake hugged me. I melted.

“I don’t know, actually. Noah is just acting a little weird, that’s all.”

“You have plans today?” Sam smiled as he spoke.

“Want to hang with us?” Jake’s voice was hopeful.

“You need anything at the grocery store?” Sam pointed at me like I needed to know I was the one he was talking to.

I looked around the lobby. “Oh, oh, you’re talking to me? Thanks for clearing that up.”

“Smart ass,” Sam chuckled and pushed my shoulder back.

“So, you didn’t answer any of our questions.” Jake pretended he was annoyed but I knew he really wasn’t. He had more patience than anyone I knew. I giggled at the way they were taking turns firing those questions at me like they had rehearsed it on the way down. I felt the stress leave my body. These two guys were such a gift to me. They were like my Heaven. My safe place in the midst of confusion and hurt. They came as a set. Both would run any direction to catch me when I fell.

“So, what are we doing today?” I asked. I didn’t even have to say “yes,” they knew my answer.

“We’re just headed to grab a speaker wire, fix a speaker”—Jake pointed over his shoulder toward
Noise Boys
, the stereo store on the corner—“then we’re getting the car and heading for groceries
.”

“Oooo fun!” I said sarcastically with a big grin.

They both cocked their heads and gave me the “because you’ve got better plans?” look.

“Okay. I’ll run upstairs and shower. Come down to my apartment after you fix the speaker. I need a few things at the store.” I hopped into the elevator, and they headed out onto the sidewalk. Opposite directions.
Deja vu.
I just did the same thing with Noah. But, somehow this time the familiar directional separation felt comfortable, and I wondered why there was a difference.

The doors closed and I pushed the button for my floor. Why did Noah walking in the opposite direction cause me anxiety when Jake and Sam doing the same thing didn’t?

Ding.

The elevator reached my floor at the same time I reached my conclusion.

Because I knew Jake and Sam would come back for me.

Fourteen

November, Fall Semester, Junior Year

Stacy shook me awake. I was so disoriented because it was dark. I forgot it was a Saturday night. I kept blinking to make it brighter in our room.

“Party. Sigma Chi. Get up!”

One of the things I loved most about college was the freedom and the ability to nap at
any
time of the day without anyone nagging you about all the chores you could be doing. Another thing I loved was the freedom to take a nap at 8 pm so we could start partying at 11 and go long into the wee hours of the morning.

Right. Tonight was another party. Going from a life of having never been drunk to drinking three or four times a week was exhausting. Maybe God was punishing me for being a party girl by making things unsettled between Noah and I. No. The God I knew wouldn’t do that, but I am pretty sure He wouldn’t be too happy with me these days either.

I didn’t see the romantic side of Noah often anymore. I wasn’t sure why it was so hard to find. I felt like it was just behind his heart, but somehow not penetrating the muscle around it. Something tough was keeping that gentle side out. But I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to try my hardest to find it again.

“Should I wear these?”

Stacy turned and nodded with a mouthful of toothpaste.

I had just gotten the coolest navy blue, low-rise, wide-legged linen pants. Very vintage hippie which made them so “me.” I usually just wore jeans and cute top out to parties, but I looked forward to dropping Noah’s jaw with my new outfit. He’d been increasingly distant since the Sunday he ditched me for breakfast a couple weeks ago. I wanted him to see me walk into Sig Chi and decide he didn’t want to let me out of his sight. Then, maybe any doubts he might be having would fade away.

I completed my outfit with a navy bandeau top that matched the pants and a gauzy sheer shirt. I knew my bare stomach would peek out under the cropped cut while I was dancing and Noah loved that I had my belly button pierced. I looked on the outside like I used to feel on the inside, confident, fun, and funky. Because that’s who he fell in love with. At the last minute I slid a wide headband on to help hold back my new bangs and Stacy said it was the perfect accessory.

“You look absolutely ‘Gracie’ tonight! Adorable.” Jake winked when he spoke. He and Jessica were headed out for the night and met us on the elevator. Jake’s eyes didn’t leave me or my body. The corner of his mouth curved up just enough that it made me wonder what he was thinking. When his eyes reached mine, he winked again. My stomach flipped. It was obvious I was craving the attention of a beautiful guy because I may have exaggerated what just happened in my mind.

Jessica never sincerely smiled when Jake gave me compliments. She always threw a pained grimace on, feigning comfortable agreement. I usually felt bad. But tonight Jake knew exactly what I needed before seeing Noah, so Jessica would have to deal.

“And I look absolutely…what?” Stacy teased.

“Gorgeous!” Jake smiled and winked.

“Yeah, yeah. Too little, too late, Jake.” She pretended she was disappointed, but she was beaming at his choice of adjective.

Stacy and I walked with Jake and Jessica to the end of the block. They turned and headed who knows where. We only had one more block to get to Sigma Chi where Noah would come out and rescue us from the long line, and I could do my mental “beauty queen wave” again. I think Stacy had her own wave, too, which made me smile.

We waited in line for a good twenty minutes when Noah finally answered his cell phone.

“Yo.”

“Noah. Stacy and I are waiting at the end of the line. The line that’s not moving.”

“Well, I’m a little tied up at the moment, Gracie.” My name came through the phone with a sarcastic sting.

“Come on, you always come get us. It will only take you a second, please?”

“You’re starting to whine. I’m hanging up now.”

“Noah!”

“I’m just kidding. God, Gracie. Relax!”

Stacy and I stood and watched at least five other brothers come out and get their girlfriends before we saw Noah walking our way, smiling at a couple giggly freshmen on his way past. I was ready to explode. If I had remembered it was “Casino Night” I would have made sure Stacy and I were there even earlier and then I wouldn’t have had to call him.

Calm down. Calm down. This is going to be the night he starts to remember how lucky he is to have you. Being a nag won’t secure that for you.

My little pep talk lifted my spirits. It was a silly thing to be so upset over, especially when you compared it to cheating. I imagined I was waving at all the girls gawking at my hot boyfriend, wondering why we got to cut the line.

Because I sleep with him, honey. I’m the lucky one. Enjoy the line.

His sexy smirk came back as we entered the house. I beamed.

“What are you wearing?” Noah asked with a loud chuckle, announcing to the entire lobby of party-goers that his girlfriend was a dork. I wanted to die. I opened my mouth to respond, with what, I don’t know, when he turned to one of the pledges and said, “Can you get “Janis Joplin” and her friend some beers?”

He threw an “I’ll be right back,” over his shoulder and disappeared into the crowd.

I felt like an idiot. I looked stupid. My newly cut bangs came with issues of not knowing what to do with them, so I thought the wide headband would solve the issue and suit my outfit, too. Apparently not.

I turned to Stacy who had not heard a thing because she was ogling the brothers like she was at a fraternity-boy buffet. She had detailed daydreams of getting her hands on any one of the beautiful boys in front of her. I felt bad for Greg. She’d never cheat, but the way she gawked and what I knew went through her mind was borderline infidelity.

She winked at me and mouthed, “Go find Noah” as she skipped off with Hank, the senior who held the “drive-thru” record in the house. I would have to text her
not
to leave the dance floor with him. I only knew about Hank’s “accomplishment” because, along with the perks of being a brother’s girlfriend, comes knowledge of things about the brothers that make you want to clean out your ears with bleach. At Sigma Chi, “drive thru” basically meant his room was like a fast-food place and, unbeknownst to the girls who went in, they were just holding a spot in the drive-thru lane. I think his record was twelve. Some of them were “happy meal” orders, meaning more than one girl at a time. Disgusting.

Thinking about Hank’s room was only a temporary reprieve from my embarrassment about the “Janis Joplin” comment. Sometimes when Noah was drunk, he would get flustered at house parties like he was the mayor and had to make sure everyone was having a good time. This didn’t bother me until he got out of my line of vision, which he was at that moment. When three of the brothers strolled by looking me up and down and nodding with approval, I decided to swallow my insecurity about my outfit and make the best of the night. Doing that meant having Noah by my side.

I found him downstairs doing shots at the bar. It was a lot cooler in the basement so I was glad to find him there. I walked up behind him and slipped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his back. He was sweaty, but he smelled so good. He twisted his body so I had to drop my arms. He stepped away a little as he chuckled and turned to me revealing who he was doing shots with.

“Gracie, this is Lily. Lily, this is Gracie.”

Your GIRLfriend?!