In Too Deep (5 page)

It was weird, now
he
seemed nervous. This guy who I assumed was impervious to any insecurities seemed nervous. I had this effect on him? The thought of that made my toes curl.

“Me too. Thanks.” I tried once again to make it to the knob.

“You think maybe I could have a goodnight kiss?” He looked like a little boy asking for another book at bedtime with those big brown eyes and full pouty lips.

“Um…no!” I said without missing a beat. “Boyfriend!”

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t want tongue. Just a peck. No strings.”

Where in the world did this guy come from? Why would he think I would even want to kiss…those lips…those full pouty lips?
Stop looking at his lips!

I shook the thought from my head and suddenly saw this scenario from another point of view. I was the shy girl. The good, not-too-forward girl, who never made the first move. Joel and I fooled around, but I always followed his lead, and the only time I spoke up was when we were getting a little too close to the real thing. I never had the upper hand with a guy. And especially, not a guy like Noah. Some of the stories I’d heard him tell the other guys about his conquests at work made the hair on my neck stand up. But right at that moment, he seemed to be into me. And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was hopeful.

He was definitely a bad boy, the kind of guy that usually didn’t give a “nice girl” like me the time of day. And
he
was asking
me
for a kiss. This could be my one and only chance to have secret bragging rights to something not-so-innocent, but safe at the same time. It was just a peck, right?

I convinced myself this was the innocent side of living on the edge. It was just one more safe way to be reckless. I knew I would never have another opportunity like this again. A thunderstorm was rumbling in the distance and a downpour would soon be upon us. Something about Noah coaxed me out of my comfort zone. I took a step toward him—and went for it.

Our lips met and there was a shock. Literally, a shock. I flinched and pulled back. He was grinning, eyes wide.

“Wow,” he said, “I’ve never had that happen before.”

It could have ended there, but I leaned in again. He closed his eyes. I pressed harder this time, hoping the electricity from the pending storm wouldn’t zap us again. No zap, but those familiar vibrations came alive in me. Alive in places other than my extremities this time. There was no tongue as promised, but it was a little more than a peck. He was tasting me. I was tasting him. He tasted so good. Surprisingly, he was gentle. Not at all what I had imagined. He didn’t even reach out to touch me. He just leaned in.

Okay. Done. Reckless abandon over.

I stepped back slowly and opened my eyes, my lips still parted. It was so much more than I expected. He looked at me with a smirk, put two fingers to his brow, and gave me a little salute. “Night,” he said as he turned and walked down the deck.

His lips.

The skies opened, the rain came down, and lightning struck with a loud crack followed by a low rumble. I started to regret the kiss before my head hit the pillow.

Seven

Late Saturday Afternoon, September, Junior Year

I shook myself awake and quickly but carefully sat up, making sure I didn’t hit my head on the underside of Stacy’s bunk as I’d done one too many times. My heart pounded from being woken by what I assumed was the thunder in my dream. But then I heard a noise in the other room. I rubbed my eyes, and as I stood and turned toward the door, he walked in. I slapped my hand across my mouth and held my stomach all at once. The sight of Noah in my bedroom once again brought all the pain and revulsion back to real time. I couldn’t do this again. I sat back down on my bed and buried my face in my hands.

“You need to leave. Now.” I didn’t look up. I tried to keep my voice as calm as I could so I would appear in control, but I was shaking violently.

“I wanted to thank you for going to lunch today.”

“Okay, you thanked me. Now leave.”

“I…I just need…”

And with that I stood and charged over to him. Toe to toe.

“
You
need? You need what, Noah? Pity? You think I will feel sorry for you for making a mistake? What about me, you asshole? What about the way my heart feels right now? How about how disgusted I am that you let me do what I did to you last night knowing her mouth had just been there, too? I don’t even want to look at you. Get out!”

“Gracie. Just hear me out. Please.”

“Noah, there is honestly nothing you could say to me right now that would make me want to be with you again. I broke up with you last night. We are done! Please leave.”

“I’m not leaving until you just let me talk to you.”

“You talked plenty last night. Hmmm. Let’s see, you talked about Ivy… and Steph… and Madison. Are there more sluts you need to share with me? Because, if that’s the case, I’m not interested in knowing any more. You do what you want from now on, but I swear to you it won’t be with me.”

“Gracie, sit down.”

“Don’t you
fucking
tell me what to do, Noah. You have no right.” I wanted to fight. I wanted to reach in and pull his heart out through his face. There was no way he was going to soften any part of my heart with anything he had to say.

“You are right. You
shouldn’t
want to talk about it. You
should
insist I leave. But, Gracie, I know your heart. I know it is searching for a reason why I did what I did. I know you are trying to figure out what would have kept it from happening. You’re thinking it had something to do with you. And Gracie, I don’t ever want you to feel how I know you’re feeling right now.”

“Oh, now you read minds. So, tell me Noah, what else am I feeling?” He was right. I couldn’t get rid of the nagging voice in my head that kept saying,
You were never enough for him, certain things about you just came up short. Maybe if you were a little sexier or more adventurous in bed he wouldn’t have strayed. But good girls don’t make good lovers, so he moved on when he saw something better.

“You’re telling yourself that I needed more, that you weren’t pretty enough or skinny enough. You’re deciding that these mistakes I made are because I needed more than you could give me. Gracie, you couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t leave this apartment until you hear me out. It would kill me to think you believed any of those things you’re telling yourself.”

I sat on the edge of my bed and he knelt before me. He wasn’t pacing like he was last night. He was steady. He was serious.

“Gracie Jordan, the night I met you I knew I never wanted to go a day without seeing you. There is a quiet sexiness in you that drives me insane. It’s nothing I have ever felt for anyone, ever. When you touch me, electricity shoots through my veins. When we make love… Well, there are no words to begin to describe how much I crave that connection with you.

“These other girls. They meant nothing. They were like a ‘fall off the wagon’ kind of thing. I quit my other lifestyle cold turkey the night I walked into Murphy’s and saw you standing in the middle of the kitchen floor holding a pizza. Before you, Gracie, I was out every night messing with girls, seeing how many I could lead on, fist-fighting their boyfriends when I went too far and pissed them off. You’ve heard the stories. But that all changed because you stole my heart and it hit me broadside.”

“Noah. That’s how you
used
to feel.”

“No, Gracie, that’s how I
still
feel.”

“Shut up. I’m not an idiot. You don’t get naked with other girls if you love your girlfriend the way you just described.”

“I need you to see this in a different way.”

“There’s only one way to see it. You cheated. We are done.”

“A recovering alcoholic walks into a bar—”

“Now we’re telling jokes? Unbelievable.”

“Let me start again. There’s this man who drinks way too much and to everyone else that’s all he is, a drunk. So, he doesn’t have much to live up to. But one day, he sees the opportunity for a career. A great career. So, he decides he’s going to quit and he does it on his own. Just wakes up and decides he’s never touching a drink again. That was me, the day I met you. But it wasn’t drinking that was my problem. I wanted to be with you so badly, I knew I had to give up the raunchy life I was living before you would even give me the time of day.

“So, this guy, he does so well. He stays away from bars and cleans up every part of his life. He is happy. Really, really happy because he got the job of his dreams. A little while after he starts the new job, there’s an office party…at a local bar. He knows he needs to go, his connection with his co-workers is really important for his position. So he goes. The minute he walks in, he knows it’s going to be a struggle. That was me, pledging Sigma Chi. I walked into something, into a scenario and a lifestyle that was familiar. I knew I needed to focus on you…on us…but I slipped just like the guy in the bar slipped when someone handed him a beer.”

By now I was sitting straight up, following his story like the world had stopped around us and it was just Noah and me on the entire planet.

“He knew he shouldn’t drink that beer and everything within him fights it but he caves and takes a sip. It crushes him that he had just undone what he was so proud to have accomplished. So he puts the beer down and walks away. Gracie, each time I fell, each time I slipped back into the son-of-a-bitch I used to be, I stopped. I stopped mid-act because I didn’t want that life anymore.”

“Why couldn’t you have stopped before any of it played out? Noah, why couldn’t you have stopped when she leaned in to kiss you or when she reached for the button on your jeans?”

“For the same reason that guy in the bar couldn’t casually hold that beer bottle in his hand without taking a sip. But you know what? You know what, Gracie? He put that beer down each time before he took a second sip. All three times he caved, but just to one sip. He never got drunk. And each time he walked out of that bar, he promised himself he would never do it again. Then one day, he walks out of that bar desperate for a do-over. He realizes he is stronger than he is giving himself credit for. He tells himself he is worthy of that job he loves so much and that would have to be the last time he caves.

“Gracie, I walked out of that bar for the last time last night. I swear to you. I will never hurt you again.”

He leaned in so close I could feel his breath, “I love you, Gracie. I am so, so sorry for hurting you. I promise I will make it up to you if you just give me the chance. Please. I can’t bear to lose you.”

My heart ached with unrequited love, and my mind was tormented as it searched for what to say.

“Please leave.” Two words were all I could handle and they spilled out just above a whisper.

His breath caught. He stood and he turned to walk out. My heart broke all over again. His head hung and his shoulders slumped. I loved him so hard it hurt. I didn’t want him to walk away. I wanted him to take it all back, like nothing had ever happened. I wanted to go back in time and re-write everything he told me happened over the last year. But just then, the flashbacks of all the other times he cheated came rolling back like punches. As he closed the door to the hallway behind him, I ran to the toilet and heaved.

I sat on the couch alone all day. I didn’t move for hours. I had no idea what time it was when my cell phone chirped with a text from Stacy.

I’m at Greg’s. You need me to come home tonight?

I texted back,
No. Thanks. I really just want to be alone.

When the only light in the living room was the street light shining through the window, I crawled back into bed and looked at the clock. 8:30. I resigned myself to the fact that this is where I would stay for the rest of the weekend. Maybe then, I’d have enough strength to get out of the apartment. Maybe not. I pulled my journal out from under my mattress and turned to something I’d written a week, maybe two, after the fireworks and first kiss entry.

At work tonight, Noah melted my heart…he wants me. And he wants me to break up with Joel for him. I have never felt so alive. I have never felt so craved.

I closed my journal, tucked it under my pillow and closed my eyes. I needed to sleep some more. Maybe it would take the edge off the pain. Once again, I fell asleep to memories of the Noah I may have just seen, again…

Night after Fireworks, Summer before Sophomore year

Serving customers with a nervous stomach was never a good idea. I felt like I was on the verge of puking at any second, and Noah hadn’t even come into work yet. I felt guilty and curious at the same time. I kissed him. Now I knew what those lips could do to me, and I would have to stay away from being tempted by them again. It was just a friendly kiss and that was it.

Maybe he was sick. Maybe he went out partying after dropping me off last night and was in an alcohol-induced coma and wouldn’t be in. Maybe he…

I felt his presence just before he spoke. “Hey there, hotness.” He ran his hand along my lower back as he headed toward the time clock. He smirked, I assumed because of the secret he was dying to tell someone. I knew what that secret was, and he needed to just forget about kissing me. He needed to move on to his next conquest because nothing was going to happen between us.

He went right to the back to get more ingredients to fill the toppings area of the cook’s table. He didn’t give me another look for what seemed like hours.

Jerk.

He coaxed me to cheat on my boyfriend, and now he was done? Well, good. That difficult conversation wouldn’t have to happen then.

“Hey, hand me that stack of trays.” His voice was low and void of any of the connection we had last night. He didn’t even look at me when he asked for them. I would have liked to
hit him
with those trays at that moment.

“Um, can you say please?” I wondered what the gruff tone was all about.

“Yeah. Sure. Please.” He waved his hand signaling his impatience. He was such an ass.

I huffed and went to wait on a whole section of little leaguers. I had to ask three boys to repeat their orders because I was so angry I couldn’t hear them over the sound of the blood pumping in my ears.

The rest of the night I stomped around, talked about what a jerk he was in my head, and ignored those stupid lips. Stupid, stupid lips.

“Marie, I need to run to the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” I took my apron off and practically ran to the privacy of my very own two-stall hiding place. I looked at myself in the mirror. What was wrong with me? Why did this bother me so badly? This was what I wanted, just a kiss and nothing more. I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so pissed about the “nothing more.”

He gave me the out by being an ass, and still, I felt unsettled and twisted on the inside. I couldn’t seem to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings. I just needed to see Joel and all of this confusion would end. I wished his work schedule was different. If I saw him, it would erase whatever it was confusing me about Noah.

By the time Marie cashed out and locked the door behind her, I was in a daze, exhausted and confused. Noah hadn’t said two words to me in hours. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“What is your problem?” I yelled, a little louder than I intended, but it got his attention. I had him cornered against the door of the walk-in freezer. He would have to answer me.

He chuckled, shook his head and licked the corner of his mouth.

“What’s so funny? Why are you smiling?” He was infuriating. He waited a second to answer while he held my gaze with the very tip of his tongue resting just behind his lips.

“Darlin’, I am just respecting your wishes of not making our little ‘moment’ a big deal. Did you want it to be a big deal?”