In Too Deep (4 page)

Five

“Wait, what did you just say?” Jake rubbed the sleep from his eyes. I looked at his alarm clock. It was only 9:30.

“I’m sorry. It’s early. I will just come back later.” I started to climb out of his bed when he sat straight up and grabbed my left arm.

“What did you say?”

I climbed back on, sat closer to him than before so I didn’t have to say it too loud. It felt less embarrassing if I whispered. “Noah…Ivy…he cheated?”

“Wait, what do you mean
cheated
? He slept with her?” He twisted toward me. The covers fell and I was momentarily distracted. He was shirtless, and even with more stubble that usual and serious bed head, the guy was gorgeous.

“No, he let her blow him! In Sam’s bedroom. During the party! While I was right in the next room!” I fell into his bare chest and fell apart. I was so thankful Jessica had either left the night before or really early that morning. I was sure she would have had a fit seeing me covering her almost naked boyfriend in tears. I sobbed and sobbed, and Jake wrapped his bare arms around me. He held on and rubbed my back as he rocked me a little. He knew there was nothing he could say to make it right.
I
knew there was nothing he could say.

Before too long, Sam came into Jake’s room and listened to me relive the last nine hours of my life in between sobbing, blowing my nose, and throwing myself down on Jake’s pillow.

Jake and Sam had known Noah longer than I had, and they had seen his shenanigans with Ivy. Neither of them ever expected it to go beyond playful joking. Sam stood there stunned. “Oh, Gracie,” was all he could muster.

“So, now I have…”—I looked at Jake’s clock—“an hour to get ready to go to lunch with him and his mom.” I sighed and wiped my nose with my t-shirt.

“You’re not really going, are you?” Jake and I were lying on top of his covers, staring at the ceiling. Feeling awkward with nothing to add that Jake hadn’t already said, Sam left to go clean up the mess that was their living room but not without reaching for my hand and squeezing it. His sweet heart warmed mine.

“How can I not? I adore her. She will know something’s up.”

“So, what if she knows something’s up? He’s a stupid ass and you broke up with him. Let him do the explaining.” He turned his face toward me.

“I don’t ever want her to know.”

“Why?” Jake turned on his side and lifted himself up onto his elbow. He rested his head on his hand and yawned. Poor guy. He probably got no sleep. He and Jessica were crazy good lovers. I’d heard stories, and a few times I actually heard how earth shattering the love they made was. They weren’t big on PDA, but Jessica wasn’t known for being quiet when they disappeared into Jake’s room. There were more than a couple nights Stacy and I fell asleep talking about what we thought Jake looked like naked and how amazing he had to be in bed. Jake ran every day, and almost every day, he and Sam would go to the gym and lift. It was no secret his body was in amazing shape.

As he lay on his side across from me, his defined abs were within reach. Again, I was distracted. How good would it feel to be physically loved the way I knew Jake loved Jessica? I was so sad and ached for someone to love me the way I longed to be loved. To forget how much pain Noah had caused me. It wasn’t often that I allowed myself to think about Jake that way. I was usually the one stopping Stacy’s perfectly choreographed fantasies she shared with me. Jake was my best friend, and it felt like I was cheating on Noah when she would put those images in my head. But on the morning after finding out all the places Noah’s dick had been, I decided to let my mind go there.

But then I thought of poor Jessica. This was crossing the line. I needed to stop fantasizing about the things Jake could do to my body. She may have just left before I got there, for all I knew. I had another fleeting thought about lying on the sheets they had rumpled together. I brushed that thought away as soon as it came.

“I don’t want to be that girl, the victim.”

“So, don’t let him make you the victim. He made his bed. Be the survivor and leave the shithead. Cut him off from everything connected to you. Say goodbye and mean it.” He stared at me with those blue eyes. His words were harsh, his voice stern, his jaw was clenched, but his eyes held my pain like he was trying to take it from me.

“I’m going downstairs. Thanks for talking.” I hugged him then climbed from his bed to go home. Sam caught me at Jake’s door and hugged me so tight it pushed out one of the sobs I had been holding back. He kissed me on the forehead.

“Gracie…” Jake’s voice wrapped around me like another hug. I turned, knowing his voice would calm me just a little more. “You will be okay without him, I promise. I’ll help you get through this.”

I smiled and started walking toward the hallway.

“Um, hey…” His voice was a little pained. I turned quicker to see what was wrong. “You might wanna…” With those words, he slowly pointed to his neck, and then to me.

I immediately headed toward his bathroom mirror. “That peckerhead,” I whispered. My neck was covered in fresh purple-blue bruises—evidence that he really had sucked the life out of me last night. The tears started again.

Red, puffy eyes, and a turtleneck on a warm September day. That was the only way to go. I had to go to lunch with his mom…and him.

Six

I flopped into my bunk, exhausted from pretending everything was fine at lunch. I guess everything was fine, if imagining I was scraping Noah’s face off with his fork seems fine to anyone other than me. Noah didn’t do the PDA thing anywhere, but especially not in front of his parents. So, I didn’t think Karen noticed anything was different. I spent the entire lunch fighting back tears and waves of nausea. I worked really hard to keep Noah out of my line of sight, I never could have held it together if I had to look at his face. But I felt his eyes on me the entire time, and it made me sick. My chest ached from the heaving and sobbing I had done up until that point, and I just wanted lunch to be over. I was relieved when he said he had some stuff to do at the house to get ready for an event they were having. At the same time, I thought it was a dick move because he should be spending the day trying to make up for what he’d done. Karen dropped me at my apartment, and Noah went his own way. And I did the only thing I had the energy for.

I stared at the underside of Stacy’s bunk. Stuck between the rails, under her mattress, were the only mementos that weren’t in the trashcan. A crispy dead daffodil Noah picked for me out of one of the many flower beds on campus and a couple
Good Morning, sorry I had to go so early
notes that I’d found on my pillow the few times he slept over while pledging. The tears slid past my temples, and I longed for the guy I thought he was. The guy no one else knew until he fell in love with me. I closed my eyes, my body aching from exhaustion. Before I knew it, I was back in the kitchen at Murphy’s making plans with a new friend.

July, Summer Before Sophomore Year

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” Noah passed me with a large stack of pizza pans headed to the sinks.

Noah and I had been working together for a couple weeks. We got along and he made me laugh. He certainly wasn’t scary. I’d even started to look forward to working with him. Even Joel realized Marie had obviously been exaggerating and was more comfortable with us working together. Noah wasn’t the monster she had made him out to be.

“Nothing really. Joel works, so…”

“Well, it’s the Fourth of July. You want to go see the fireworks?”

Somehow, both Noah and I had it off, and he just asked me out. I rationalized, friends do stuff together, right? So, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Joel wouldn’t care. Noah was just a work friend. The fireworks were out in the middle of nowhere and people from McKenzie rarely headed that way. The major shopping and recreational things to do were in every other direction so I knew I’d be safe from any gossip.

“Sure! Sounds like fun!”

The rest of the night we were slammed with hungry patrons of the McKenzie Street Fair, and quite honestly, by the time we walked out to our cars that night, I had forgotten all about the fireworks. “Hey, give me your phone.” Noah’s car was parked next to mine behind Murphy’s.

“What?”

“Your phone. I want to trade numbers so I can text you tomorrow about times and stuff.”

“Oh, right. Fireworks. Got it.”

Noah was so laid back about it that I left the parking lot that night not at all stressed to tell Joel about my plans with him.

Although Joel seemed a bit uneasy about my plans with Noah, he didn’t get mad. He was so calm and reserved as I explained Noah’s invitation. He agreed that it shouldn’t be an issue, but I thought I heard a tinge of sadness in his voice that night.

The next night, Noah picked me up
after
dinner, which made it less like a date, and we drove to a big, wide-open field off the beaten path. When we got out of the car, Noah continued talking about some prank he and his roommate, Jake, pulled on their RA freshman year. I laughed at the thought of trying to fill a dorm hallway with popcorn and followed him around to the back of the car where he was digging in the trunk for something.

A blanket. Aww, he brought a blanket.
Or was it always in his trunk? Maybe it’s what he uses when he womanizes all the women. Stop.

Growing up, my very conservative mom made my sister and I well aware that if you stayed away from all things “bedroom,” you would find it easier to save yourself for marriage. When boyfriends came over, the rules were strict—no blankets on the couch, no lying on laps, and definitely no snuggling in a horizontal position. So, my “bed linen” alarm went into freak mode.

Stop it. It’s to sit on, not hump on. We will be watching fireworks, not porn!
A couple deep breaths and I had regained my composure.

“This okay?” Noah stopped on a part of the field with a large patch of thick grass and weeds. It wasn’t secluded, but we weren’t right on top of any families, either.

“Perfect.”

We chatted about this and that as we waited for it to get dark.
Dark. Blanket.
I couldn’t stop my reaction. My stomach filled with butterflies, and without a second thought, I looked around to make sure my parents were nowhere in sight. Of course they weren’t.

There were a few times we hit that uncomfortable silence that has you hoping the ground will swallow you. But overall, it was nice being there with Noah.

“So, where do you go to school?” I asked. I didn’t really care, but he was always telling stories about parties and I didn’t really know any specifics about him. I doubted he knew much about me either.

“UT Knoxville!” He lifted the bottom of his hoodie and pointed to the bright orange letters on the t-shirt underneath.
Tennessee Vols
.

“No, way!”

He took a huge sip of lemonade then nodded and crooked his neck to question my response.

“I’m transferring there in the spring,” I said.

“What? I thought you went to school in Memphis.”

“I did, last year. But my parents watch too much news and made a list of all the murders from the day they dropped me off until the last day in May when they handed me a UT Martin application.”

“They made a list?”

“Not really, a mental one. I’ll live at home and go to UT Martin for the fall. Then head to Knoxville in the spring.” Martin was within forty minutes from my house. I really didn’t want to go to the University of Tennessee at all. Growing up in this area, it’s all I heard about. I feared it would be like 13
th
grade, and I would just have an extended high school experience. But I didn’t want to make waves with my parents who were footing the bill so when I got my acceptance letter, I decided to register and make the best of it.

“My buddies and I just signed the lease for an apartment next semester. Movin’ out of the dorms!” He flicked his thumb out of his fist and pumped it over his shoulder. “So, why Martin first? Why not just start Knoxville in the fall?”

“Martin was my only option. When my parents decided to take over my life, they were a little late in the ‘get your application in by this date’ department so Martin was my only choice.”

“Bummer.” He held my gaze a little longer than I expected. It was like he was watching a scene that was playing out in his mind. Feeling awkward, I had to look away.

A thunderous boom took me by surprise and I swear my teeth chattered from the vibration. I jumped and gasped a little as the sky lit up in a flurry of vibrant red sparkles. I didn’t see Noah’s reaction, but when I shyly looked to see if he saw mine, he was smirking.
Shit. He thinks I’m an idiot. Wait. Why do I care?

The next boom I was ready for. It was a blast so loud I could feel the sound waves ricocheting inside my chest. For a second, I thought my heart stopped beating. It was followed by a blinding flash of white light, and little swirling balls of light fell toward the ground and whistled on their way.

“Ha. Look. Spermies!”

Did he just call those “spermies?” As in sperm?

He leaned back on his elbows.

“Hey, I can’t see,” he complained, and he swiped at the inside of my elbow joint which bent my arm and made me fall backwards. .

I laughed and propped myself up on my elbows.

Lying. Blanket. Lying. Blanket. Stop.

“Here,” he said in almost a whisper, which made his voice raspy. I liked how it sounded. He bent both arms under his head and he motioned for me to use one as a make-shift pillow.

I eyed him suspiciously. “I am not snuggling with you. I have a—”

“I know. You have a boyfriend. That nerd, Joel. I’m not going to rape you. I’m just giving you a soft place to put your head.”

Rape me? Idiot.

“He’s not a nerd! You’ve never even met him. He’s older than you…” I lay back so he didn’t think
I
was a nerd. I glanced over at him to see his reaction.

“
Re. Lax.
I…was…kidding…” He said the last part like I was a deaf person who needed him to speak slowly so I could read his lips.

Nice lips. Very, very nice lips.

Instantly, upon making contact with his arm, I got that familiar jittery feeling as if I had butterflies in my bones. Not all of my bones, just my extremities. I decided the butterflying going on inside my bones was a direct result of my reckless behavior. I had a boyfriend and I was almost snuggling with a co-worker. But it was as though the feeling was a drug. I just wanted to feel it a little longer before I sat back up.

I was trying hard to not flirt so I wasn’t giving Noah the wrong idea about this “friend date.” But something inside me was stirring. Something I couldn’t ignore.

Noah spoke but I couldn’t hear him over the crackle of the red, white and blue explosion overhead.

“What?”

He pulled my head close to his using the bent arm pillow, which I was thankful for once I realized how hard the ground was. His warm breath on my face was intoxicating. As he spoke about some fireworks accident he saw on the news, I could smell the soap he used, his deodorant, his toothpaste, his laundry detergent. All those smells combined were an olfactory definition for how alluring he was right at that moment. I sat up for the rest of the fireworks, claiming my back hurt but I just really needed to clear my head and wash the
whatever it was
out of me. Noah and I couldn’t be more different. He was rugged and risky, and I was fearful and anxious. He wasn’t afraid to fight, and I was always trying to steer clear of confrontation. I just needed to focus on Joel and stop. But stop what? Seeing and breathing? Because at that moment that’s all it seemed it would take for me to melt into him.

“You ready?” When the grand finale was over, we were both sitting with our arms wrapped around our knees. Not touching, which was working much better for me.

“Sure.”

He stood up and reached for my hand to help me up. Dammit. Touching. When I took his hand, a jolt of electricity shot from my palm and into my chest. He held my hand the whole way to the car, which made it hard for me to breathe. I knew there was no part of Noah that was interested in me. So, it
was
safe. I may be frazzled around him, but it was not like something was going to happen between us. Ever.

The ride home was actually relaxed and fun. With the windows down, we blared the Classic Alternative Rock station on XM and realized we had the same taste in music.

I had forgotten all my angst about the “spermies” and the “rape” by the time we pulled up to my house, and all the electricity I was feeling throughout the night had dissipated.

“Well, thanks. This was fun. See you tomorrow night,” I said as I got out of his car.

He got out too.

Weird. Dammit.

The vibrations came back when I realized he was walking me to the door. I was really looking forward to running in, plopping down on my bed, and calling Joel to reassure him I was fine. I started to get nervous about Noah’s intention when we actually arrived at the door.

This is stupid. He’s just being polite.
I imagined him saying,
Re. Lax!

“Well, thanks again.” I turned to reach for the knob when he spoke.

“Um. I…I had a really nice time. A
really
nice time.”