In Too Deep (23 page)

We inhaled some orgasmic clam dip and pita bread and an obnoxious plate of nachos while Noah listed all the crazy shots I could pick from for my first drink at midnight.

“Noah, can’t I just have a beer? I already know I like it.”

“Nope. It’s customary to push your limits on your twenty-first birthday. Just be glad you don’t have twenty Sigma Chi brothers throwing shots down you hand over fist. I actually thought I might die that night.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. But, I only know the real easy shots…I’ve never even heard of a Cement Mixer or a Prairie Fire. What’s in those?”

He threw the bar’s laminated shot list across the table. I assured him that anything that coagulates in my mouth or has tabasco sauce as the secondary of two ingredients was not passing my lips.

“How about a Buttery Nipple or a Blow Job?”

“Are you propositioning me or naming shots?” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I regretted it.

“Which would you prefer?”

“Calm down, Casanova. Tonight is about two friends
drinking
, not having sex!”

“Damn.” He flashed a smirk that instantly made me queasy.

I rolled my eyes and played with a stray tortilla chip drowning in salsa. I really needed to steer away from anything he could twist into a sexual innuendo. It was no secret how our animosity could turn into passion, especially after a couple drinks. But I wasn’t going to let that happen. So for the next two hours, small talk was on our menu. Random benign topics seemed to keep the conversation clear of any R-rated implications.“So, think I can get you drunk enough to–” Even if I had doubted that question was headed in the sexual direction, I could see it in his eyes.

“Noah, quit it. It’s not funny anymore. We are not having sex.”

“So, you’re serious about this ‘friend’ thing.”

“Yes. Very.”

The waitress stumbled up to our table in a tizzy. “What can I get you two?”

“One Prairie Fire.” Noah completely avoided eye contact with me.

He’s buying himself a shot. I looked at my phone. 12:07 am. This was his chance to ring in my big day and he bought himself a shot.

“I will need to see I.D.” She impatiently looked back and forth between us and her other tables in our section. I hadn’t realized how pretty she was until that moment as I watched her fidget with her order pad. She was totally someone Noah would go for. My stomach flipped over. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to flush my system of the mental snapshots of him cheating. Friends or not, it still hurt.

I looked up at Noah and he was staring at me through angry hooded eyes. I was that toddler again, waiting to get yelled at for something I didn’t even know I did wrong.

“Well, are you going to show her your I.D. or what?” He looked up at her and winked, “She’s new at this.” Then he rolled his eyes.

“Noah, I don’t want…”

“Your I.D. She can’t stand here all night, Gracie.”

I blindly reached into my purse and pulled out my wallet. I handed her proof that I had been twenty-one for ten minutes. Ten minutes into twenty-one and I was already holding back the tears. The knot in my throat burned as it threatened to break the dam of tears hiding behind my wasted attempt at sexy eye liner.

“Oh, wow! Happy Birthday! I’ll be right back with your drink.”

I stared into my lap blinking away the tears. Each time I peeked up to see what Noah was doing, he was staring at the MMA fight on the big screen. I longed for the one chance to throw him into a bloody cage with the monster of a man on the TV.

Just then a ukulele-playing little man was standing next to us, strumming the one-of-a-kind Happy Birthday song you only heard at Chubby Louie’s. Our pretty waitress came back with a wink for Noah, a shot for me and an instant camera.

“Smile,” she said as she stood to the side to get both Noah and I in the picture.

I tried my hardest to be convincing, but smiling was not working at that moment.

I watched the instant photo slide out of the front of the camera. I didn’t even know you could still get those cameras. I guess Chubby Louie’s had been there longer than I thought.

“This one’s on the house.” She said as she laid our check for the food and the photo on the table and smiled at both of us. I noticed she gazed a little longer at Noah than me.

The ukulele guy followed her away from the table still strumming his wacked out tune.

“I don’t want this drink, Noah. I’m sorry.”

Once again, I’m apologizing for his ass-hat behavior.

I saw the line of his jaw tense up.

“I’ll be in the car. Don’t come out until that’s gone. It’s all you’re getting for your birthday.”

And with that he grabbed the check and walked away. I didn’t turn around to see if he was serious. I knew he was. I was frozen. If there was ever a situational slap, that was it. The pain of his “slap” radiated from the inside of my body out to my extremities. A wave of nausea came over me, then the dizziness set in, and soon my arms and hands tingled like there was a team of spiders clawing to get out. I sat still so I didn’t alarm anyone around me. I was mortified that I was sitting there alone, on my birthday, which, thanks to Ukulele guy, was no secret to anyone around me. There I sat with one lonely drink in front of me while the guy who once held my heart waited in the car.

I spun the shot glass with my fingers and watched the pathetic image of me as it slowly appeared on the shiny square beside my Prairie Fire. Noah had ducked out of the way of our waitress’s aim, so in the photo I appeared to be celebrating alone. Who was I kidding? Look at me—I was alone. I assessed the situation that I had obviously lost control over. I had walked on eggshells all evening and still I pissed him off. How does this happen? I have never annoyed another human as much as I annoyed him. So why does he keep coming back? Why does he flash those puppy dog eyes and want me to give him one more chance? Three hours earlier he offered to try to be “less of a dick.” I searched my brain and came to the conclusion that “here’s your shot, I’m leaving” may have been the dickiest move he had ever pulled, besides cheating. We’ll call it a tie. Lately, all he knew how to do was be a dick.

The only thing I had control over at that moment was the shot of tequila and tabasco in front of me. I tightened my grip, breathed deep to settle my stomach and threw it to the back of my throat. I slammed the empty glass down harder than I intended and every person within a two-table radius was immediately staring at me. I was sure of one thing at that moment. I was on the edge of that cliff staring out into nothing. But I was done.

I walked out of the restaurant leaving the photo on the table. No more mementos, thank you very much. I clenched my jaw so hard I was sure I would break my teeth, but it was the only thing I could do to keep from bursting into tears. As soon as the warm evening air hit my face the tears fell. By the time I got to Noah’s car, my face was soaked. I quickly wiped them away and slid onto the front seat silently. Not that he could have heard my sobs anyway with his music blaring. I sunk into the seat and slammed the door. He didn’t even look over at me as he threw the car in reverse. If he had done anything right that night it was keeping his music loud for the entire ride home so that my ragged inhalations between silent sobs went unnoticed. He pulled up to my house and just stared straight ahead. I grabbed my purse, lurched my body from the car, and slammed the door as hard as I could. As soon as I got inside, I slapped my hand over my mouth and let out a guttural scream I had never heard before. Thankfully, it was late enough that everyone was sleeping. I quietly walked back to the hallway, slowly closed and locked my door, hit play on my iPod and quickly turned it to a decent volume. Quiet enough not to wake anyone but loud enough that no one could hear me cry from the hallway.

Changing our status to just friends did not take the edge off the pain caused by Noah’s twisted behavior. I wasn’t crying because I was hoping I could find the old Noah, I was crying because even when the relationship pressure was off and I was just his friend, he still found me so insignificant and easy to hurt. And it frustrated the hell out of me why he continued to try and pull me back in. I wasn’t getting back in this time. He’d be lucky if we even saw each other again over the next two weeks.

The water lapped up further onto my legs and the strong undertow pulled me toward the waves. I knew if I gave up now I would be swallowed by something that would roll me more violently than before. I couldn’t let the ocean take me. I dug my fingers into the sand and pulled against the current. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to make it but I wasn’t going to die without trying my hardest to pull myself away from the depths that had a hold on me before. I reached out for the one thing I knew could save me at that moment…

Forty

“Gracie. Are you okay? Please, say something!” Jake’s voice was sleepy and panicked. I knew he would see my number on his phone just in case I couldn’t speak. My mouth was trying to hold in the sobs while my brain formed the words.

“I…I…” I couldn’t. I didn’t even know where to start. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to admit to being so stupid and thinking that ringing in this special birthday with Noah would be anything but painful.

“You’re scaring me. Please just say something. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I spent the next hour vomiting all of the night’s hell to Jake. Most of the time he was the quiet listener, but I could hear the vile anger in his voice when he did speak. Jake’s anger didn’t scare me like Noah’s did. I wasn’t afraid Jake would leave me, I knew he wouldn’t. There was nothing I could do that would cause him to walk away. Having someone like that in my life was the only thing holding me together.

“I am so sorry, baby girl. I wish I was there to hold you so you could get some sleep.”

“Me, too.” That’s when I realized this was what he meant when he said he would take me however he could have me. He told me he was in love with me, and now I was once again detailing the further breaking of my heart by his former roommate. He was putting his own heart second because I was sure it was killing him to hear all the details of my night if he truly did love me. He would be my friend first, even if I couldn’t love him back. I had no words for the kind of selflessness I didn’t know existed before Jake.

When I realized how my pain over Noah must be hurting him, I decided to stop. I needed to turn it off and make sure he was okay before we hung up. I shouldn’t have called him. Now my heart was breaking over the two most significant guys in my life. One because he hurt me and one because I may be hurting him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Sleep. I just needed to sleep.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can stay on the phone with you as long as you need me to.”

“No, Jake. You’ve already done so much. I can’t thank you enough for what you do for my heart.”

“I love you. You’re my best friend. I am always here for you. You know that.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“No thanks necessary. That’s what friends do.” He was assuring me that his “I love you” was intended to be friendly and not guilt inducing. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but I couldn’t.

“I love our friendship, Jake. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Well, the feeling is mutual.”

I wasn’t sure how I landed such a beautiful friend. But his unconditional friendship was stunning. And it went both ways. I wasn’t sure if I could ever reciprocate what he gave me, but I would die trying if he ever needed me the way I needed him. But he’d never be as stupid as I had been.

“Go to sleep, sweet girl. You need to get some rest.”

“Goodnight, Jake.”

“Goodnight.”

I don’t even remember pressing end or laying my head on the pillow. But when I woke up bright and early Wednesday morning, I knew I hadn’t remembered to pee before I went to bed. I sprung out of bed, wrestled with the lock on my door, and ran to the bathroom. I could hear my mom in the kitchen and assumed my dad was still home. As soon as I washed the tear-stripes of mascara from my face and pulled my hair back into my signature short ponytail, I headed toward what smelled like eggs and bacon. My customary birthday breakfast.

I stopped at the end of the hallway when the kitchen table came into view.

Flowers.

Too little, too late, Noah.

“They’re from Jake,” my mom said with a crooked smile.

Be still my heart.

Forty-One

It was Friday morning, the second weekend of Spring Break and I hadn’t heard from Noah since he brought be home from Chubby Louie’s after the celebration that would go down in history as The Worst Twenty-First Birthday Ever. I’d been twenty-one for a whole week and still felt like a lost little girl floating on an inflatable raft in the middle of the ocean. Hopeless.

I woke up missing Jake. It could have been the sweet dream of being wrapped in his arms that had him on my mind but lately there was rarely a moment that he wasn’t on my mind. Our early morning and late night calls were what kept me on my feet and not in a puddle of self-pity. We’d spoken or texted every day of break, except yesterday. I grabbed my phone from under my pillow and hit re-dial. He was the only one I had called since we’d been on break. I looked at the clock, I had slept away most of the morning. I knew he’d be up. He was probably out of bed and showered after a long run.

“Hey.” He obviously had looked at the screen before answering and knew it was me. Just the smooth and sleepy sound of his voice warmed me and made my face feel a little flushed. I smiled into my pillow and rolled to my side. It sounded liked he’d slept in, too. Maybe if I pretended he was in my bed and we were waking up together it would give my heart respite from its chronic ache.

“Morning. I miss you.” To anyone else, our conversations would probably sound like he was my boyfriend, but I knew I didn’t have to qualify what I meant to Jake.

“Yeah. Me too.” I could hear a rustle that I imagined was him rolling to his side as well. I pretended he was behind me with his arms wrapped around me.

“What’s on your schedule today?”

“Um. Not much.” Something was off. Jake was a man of few words, but I could usually get more than three words out of him at a time.

“Jake, you sound funny. Everything okay?”

“Who’s on the phone, baby?” Jessica’s voice startled me. My shallow gasp was audible. Her voice was close, she was almost as close to him as his phone. Oh my fuck! They were in bed together. Shit.

“I’ll let you go. See you next weekend.” And I hung up before he could speak. I knew he would have stayed on the phone and talked with me, but I couldn’t bear to hear her voice again. A sour feeling rose in my throat. She was back. They were together.

My phone buzzed.

Jake: Gracie?

I turned off my phone. The doorbell rang before I even had a chance to feel guilty for not answering. I threw the covers over my head and lay there, eyes wide open. It rang again.
Can someone please get the door? I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself to get up.

Ding dong.

I groaned as I pulled myself from under the covers and flung my legs off the edge of my bed. The UPS man was going to get an eyeful because I didn’t even have the energy to pull my sleep pants on. The super huge t-shirt I wore to bed was longer than some skirts I had. I would just have to reach around the opened door, sign something on his little clipboard and throw the package on the hall table before jumping right back into bed. No one was home. I could have slept all day. Stupid delivery guy.