In Too Deep (30 page)

“There were a couple times I worried something physical was coming but he never laid a hand on me.”

“Jake. Can I ask you something? And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“You can ask me anything, angel. We have no secrets.” He squeezed my cheeks and made my lips pucker then pressed his lips to mine and made an obnoxious kissing noise against them. I giggled. Everything about him made me feel good. He flopped onto his back and I wrapped myself around him from the side.

“You mentioned a couple times that you know more about Noah than I do.”

He nodded and continued trailing his fingers up and down my arm.

“What kind of stuff do you know?”

“Gracie, that part of your life is soon over, for good. You should just let those things die along with your relationship with Noah. Don’t create new things to poison your memories of him.”

“I just can’t fathom how he could have been such a hog freshman year but then came back as a sophomore having made the switch to a decent guy.”

“That’s why the rest of us were so perplexed at what you could have done to him to straighten him out.”

“But was it just his partying, fighting and sleeping around that you’re talking about?”

“Gracie, this really isn’t a good—”

“Jake, please. I want to know the whole picture. Maybe it will give me a boost when I tell him we are really done this time.”

“He didn’t respect girls at all. He wanted one thing from them and that was it. He’d decide he wanted to try something he heard or read somewhere and then he was obsessed until he found someone who would do it.”

“I found pictures one time of him and Ivy. They looked like freeze frames of porn but they were clothed.”

“I remember that night. Poor Ivy. I walked her home and she cried the whole way. He humiliated her. What you probably couldn’t tell in the picture was that the room was filled with people. Some of his buddies dared him and came with their phones to get proof. There’s something about him that is intimidating enough that girls let him go too far.”

“No kidding.”

Jake was quiet. I knew he was trying to process my comment. “I guess the biggest thing was, after he would do all these things he would brag about them to anyone who would listen. He would point the girls out in the dining hall or on campus and go into explicit detail of how he—well, you get the idea. His lack of respect for them made me sick.”

I thought about my private life with Noah and all the things I did that I would never want anyone to know. All the things that made me feel dirty now. It never dawned on me that Noah could be telling people the things we did behind closed doors.

“Jake—”

“Don’t ask me, Gracie. Please don’t ask me.”

“I want to know, Jake. What did he tell you about me?”

Jake pushed himself up onto his elbow and looked down at me. “Gracie, he never told me anything about you. He knew I thought he was a pig, and I never would have stood and listened to details of something that should have stayed between the two of you.”

“So you never heard anything.”

Jake threw his head back on his pillow and sucked in a deep breath. We had no secrets. He knew if I pushed it, he would have to tell me. “I overheard him bragging to other people. Things about you. But, Gracie—”

“Jake. Please.”

“Gracie, I can’t stand the things I know he did to you or asked you to do. I will tell you because you asked. No secrets. But you need to be sure you really want to know.”

I rolled over with my back to Jake and closed my eyes. I would give anything to be able to take all that back. I was blinded by him. I longed to be who he wanted me to be. I was too intimidated to say
no
and he knew it. But there was nothing Jake could tell me that I didn’t already know. I was obviously there for all of it. So, there would be no surprises. The only thing I’d have to deal with is coming to terms that Jake knew what I had done. Even though those things weren’t depraved or grotesque, they still pushed the limits, my limits. And the girl who let Noah get away with that wasn’t the girl I wanted to be. Jake knew I wasn’t that girl. Jake was my safe place. It was okay to do this with him.

“I need you to tell me, Jake.” I rolled over and took his face in my hands. “I’m sure, Jake. I need to know what you know. Please.”

He pulled me in for a huge hug and then pulled back and looked me in the eyes, “Gracie, after I tell you, I am blocking these things out of my mind. It kills me to think of how much of what he bragged about happened as a result of his intimidation. Had I known those things he bragged about doing with you were a result of that intimidation, I would have killed him with my bare hands. I will tell you but then I am locking those things up in a vault.” He tapped himself on the head. “And, you need to know, I don’t see those things when I look at you. I never will.”

My breath caught on Jake’s words. He never ceased to amaze me. At that moment, I fell a little deeper.

“Before you tell me—”

“Anything, Gracie.”

“Just hold me tight. Please.”

He held me like he’d never let me go. “You sure you want to do this, Gracie?”

I nodded into his chest.

Jake’s voice was soft and gentle as he spoke of things that weren’t either. “I heard Noah bragging to some guys at one of our parties about what he said he asked you to try in the shower at Sigma Chi.”

“He didn’t ask.” My body started to quake.

“Gracie, we don’t have to do this. I don’t see how this is
helping
you?” His hands were in my hair as he held me against him. His touch lulled me into a quiescent state and my body stilled.

“Jake, I can’t stand thinking there are things that I don’t know you know about me. Does that make sense? I just need you to do this for me. I’ll be okay as long as you’re holding me when you tell me.”

“I got you, Gracie.” I scooted up and tucked my head into his neck. He placed his hand on the back of my neck and rubbed my jawline with his thumb. “I won’t let go.”

Those four words made my heart trip over itself.

Please, don’t ever let go, Jake.

“There are only three other things I overheard. We’re going to do this like a Band-Aid.” I nodded and he took a deep cleansing breath. I squeezed my eyes closed and prepared myself for a final rip of demoralization. “He also bragged about the toys he got for you to try, the public places you did it and the videos you made.”

It took me a couple seconds to work through that list, even though it was a short one. My brain slammed into the last item on that list and I immediately felt sick. I sat straight up and tried to speak but nothing came out. I put one hand on my chest and the other across my mouth in preparation for completely losing it.

Jake, who by then was sitting straight up as well, held my face in his hands and tried his best to calm me down. “Gracie. Baby. Listen, no secrets, right? It’s okay that I know these things. You know I would never judge you or think less of you for the things he convinced you to do.”

I slid my hand from my mouth to my forehead and my biggest nightmare tumbled from my lips. “
We
didn’t make any videos. If there are videos of us having sex, they were not consensual.”

As if my heart could handle more pain, a fleeting comment from drive-thru Hank came to mind.

“Oh, God. Jake.” I ran to the bathroom and heaved. Jake was next to me in seconds, on his knees, holding my hair back with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. In a daze, I stood and rinsed my mouth then dabbed a bit of toothpaste from my finger onto my tongue. We stood in silence for a second then walked back to bed and climbed in. Jake’s eyes didn’t leave me.

I cleared my throat. “Right before Christmas break I stopped by the house but I couldn’t find Noah. I texted him and he said he was in a brothers meeting and to just wait in his room. I was looking through a magazine when Hank barreled into the room holding a DVD in a plain white sleeve. He chuckled and raised his eyebrow and said, “Gracie, this is hot.” Just then Noah walked in and snagged the DVD from Hank and tucked it in a drawer. When I asked him what it was he brushed it off as some bootleg Henry Rollins concert video that Hank was letting him borrow. I didn’t think twice about it.”

I saw Jake’s jaw clench and I knew why. It was bad enough Noah was making movies of our sex life without me knowing but apparently he was sharing them with the brothers at Sigma Chi. That’s when another strange comment came to the forefront of my brain.

“And just before spring break, I passed Brad on campus. He was walking with two pledges and he winked and said, “Two thumbs up, Gracie.” The pledges laughed and elbowed each other as they passed. I didn’t know what to think so I just chalked it up to some inside joke that I wasn’t privy to. Jake,
I
was the inside joke.”

Jake wrapped his arms around me and I soaked his shoulder with mascara and tears. I knew Noah could be a sick son of a bitch. Some of the things he admitted to getting off on were more than borderline kinky. But how could he cross that line with
me
? Me. I wasn’t just some girl from the dining hall. Not that any of his other conquests deserved what he did. No one deserved that but we were different. Or so I thought.

After what seemed like hours, I wiped my face and looked up at Jake. “Take it back, please. Please take your words back.” I wasn’t expecting to find out something Noah did to me without my knowledge or consent. I felt so violated and raw.

I collapsed onto his chest again and heaved as I let out all the pain of what this meant. I felt dirty. I didn’t know how my life could ever be the same. I forced myself to sleep as a means to escape Noah…who had now chased me into Jake’s bed.

Fifty-Four

Trying to digest what I had just uncovered was like trying to swallow feathers. The harder I tried, the harder my body wretched to reject it. It was revolting. It stung my soul. I slipped into sleep to escape the pain and fear of a ghost from the past.

“You awake?” Jake’s voice was tired and barely a whisper.

“Yeah, I don’t think I slept at all.” I rolled over and nuzzled into his chest. His arms pulled me into him.

“You slept. You may not feel like you did, but I watched you sleep all night.”

“You didn’t sleep?”

“Couldn’t.”

“Jake, how do I come to terms with my most private moments becoming public entertainment? I don’t know how to begin to own what he did to me. How do I do this?”

“We do it together. Tell me how your brain is processing it.”

“It’s as if my life is a book, and by revealing this secret, we just wrote a chapter that doesn’t match the tone of the rest of the book. It’s out of place. Now I have to try to make that chapter fit. You’re telling me this heinous part of my story, and I have to figure out where it belongs because it will now affect every part of my life. There are videos of me. Who knows how many! It makes me sick that he could do this to me.”

The salty water filled my lungs as my body fought to keep it out. Its taste was foreign. It was something that was not supposed to be inside me. I fought to expel it with heaving gasps, but it wouldn’t go. It filled me with its burning poison. What I had just swallowed threatened to steal my life.

I didn’t know when the tears would stop, but Jake and I lay in bed most of Friday and I cried for hours. There was a time I prided myself on my innocence. I enjoyed being known as the goody-two-shoes. I knew I would one day grow up and feel comfortable making my own decisions about mature things. It went against everything I had been taught when I made the decision to give up my virginity, but I was over eighteen and I was ready to start making my own decisions. And of course, I thought my private life was mine, just mine. But apparently my privacy had been stolen right out from under my nose. How could he live with himself all this time knowing what he’d done?

Jake held me for hours as I cried and tried to make excuses for Noah.

“Maybe he made it up. Maybe he was lying when he bragged about the videos.”

“Gracie, I wish I could tell you that’s what it was, but you got confirmation from Hank and Brad.”

Silence.

Sleep.

“Do you think Hank and Brad are the only ones who have seen it?” I was talking but was between sleep and consciousness. I didn’t even know if Jake heard me.

“Baby girl, unfortunately, I don’t think that’s the kind of thing that stays quiet in the Sigma Chi house.” His entire body was taut. His muscles strained against the flesh covering them. Jake was trying to hold his anger in, but I was sure if Noah walked through the door at that moment, Jake would kill him.

Silence.

Sleep.

I rolled over, yawning as I stretched. The face that calmed all my storms smiled down at me. The sun was going down. We hadn’t eaten or left the bed all day except to use the bathroom and grab more tissues. It certainly wasn’t looking like the picture perfect long weekend we’d had in mind. We had plans to go to
Mitchell’s
. We had tickets for Alternate Tragedy. I couldn’t let Noah steal one more thing from me. I needed to get out of the apartment. We needed to get out, breathe some fresh air, and do something that made us both smile.

“I want to go out tonight.” I rubbed the last tears from my eyes.

“To
Mitchell’s
? Are you sure you’re up to it?” If I hadn’t said anything, Jake would never have mentioned the tickets I’m sure he spent a fortune on.

“We have to go. Jake, I don’t want this to cripple me. I don’t want him to steal my joy any longer. I couldn’t bear it if you felt you needed to sacrifice your college life to pull me out of the muck when I fall apart again.”

“Gracie, when will you get it? You are stuck with me. I love you unconditionally, whether we are laughing or crying, happy or hurting, lovers or just friends. I am here for you forever. You can’t shake me.”

That made me smile, and after not doing anything but cry for hours, I welcomed the change in shape on my face.

I really didn’t want to leave Jake’s room. I didn’t want to go outside, or dance, or listen to music, or have fun. I wanted to sink into his bed and stay there forever. I knew there was more sadness that would have to make its way out of me. I knew I’d be dealing with the feeling of vulnerability that the people I passed on campus may very well have seen me naked. I’d probably hadn’t heard the last of the comments from Sigma Chi brothers. But I chose to put myself second. I wanted to give this night to Jake. He was so sweet to make these plans for us, knowing how much I loved a good night with Calon. I needed to put all this pain aside and make this a great night for both of us. I needed to do this for him as much as I needed to do it for me. I wanted to love him with the love he showed me, by putting him first. I knew he would have stayed in bed with me until next Christmas if I needed him to, but I didn’t want him to always be the one sucking it up for me. It was time for me to show him I would do anything for him. Because I would.

We walked down the sidewalk staircase and into the basement entrance of
Mitchell’s
. The familiar smell brought a rush of memories of Alternate Tragedy flooding through my brain. Upstairs was café and food. The basement was reserved for live bands and dancing. We had been coming to Mitchell’s since my first night at U of T. It was an eighteen and over kind of place. Eighteen to get in, twenty-one to drink. We had been drinking at Mitchell’s since we were nineteen, but I didn’t think anyone really cared as long as no one was causing any trouble. The bouncers took fights very seriously. Numerous Sigma Chi brothers were banned.

I heard the crackle of the mic just as we took our seats at the bar. I turned and saw Calon then heard the drums and the rest was a whirlwind of Smashing Pumpkins, Candlebox, Everclear, and every other band Jake and I loved. I didn’t want them to play any of their new stuff. I so loved the covers they did. I just wanted to sing songs I knew, not strain to learn new ones. I wanted
my
Alternate Tragedy, not the one the whole hemisphere was getting to know.

“They sound great.” Jake handed me another beer and kissed me on the cheek. He squeezed my knee under the bar and his eyes asked if I was all right. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. I was trying my hardest not to think about our revelation from late last night. I was still telling myself it couldn’t be possible. But right now wasn’t the time to think about it.

“Jake, thank you for just being there for me last night and today.” I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. My love for Jake had grown exponentially since I pulled into the parking lot on Tuesday. We were so connected. I was falling for him. Maybe I had already fallen for him, but was just now giving myself the freedom to feel it.

“Any time.” He winked and spun his stool around so he was in front of me and we were both facing the stage. Calon was straining to sing the painful words of Pearl Jam’s “Deep.” The song was about three people who had let themselves sink so deep they couldn’t touch the bottom. I now heard this song on a much different level than I ever did.

Jake fell back into me. He translated the words as deeply as I had. My stomach flipped. I was overwhelmed by the thought of opening myself up to all of the painful emotions I was feeling. But maybe that’s just what would heal me. But not right then. I needed to explore all the emotions in a safe place, just me and Jake. Not in the basement at Mitchell’s. I pushed the wretched visuals deeper and gulped half my beer.
Not tonight, Gracie. Not tonight.
A single tear slid down my cheek.