In Too Deep (28 page)

I couldn’t shake the fluttering butterflies in my stomach from the thoughts about Jake’s sweat-laden body sliding across mine. What we shared that day was remarkable. I was in awe of the way he moved while he was inside me, as if he already knew my body well enough to know just what to do. It made every sensation beyond intense. I remember the tension building and the waves crashing over me. I thought about the way his eyes locked on mine when I couldn’t hold the tension at bay any longer. I arched my back and let go just as…

“…I exploded!” He chuckled and looked down at me.

My mouth hung open. Had he just read my mind or had I been speaking my indecent thoughts out loud? I was mortified. I buried my face in his belly and covered my ears.

“What are you doing? Why are you hiding?” Jake was giggling so hard my head bounced off his ab muscles.

“You finished my sentence…wait…didn’t you?” No doubt I was blushing. I had nowhere to hide.

“Finished
your
sentence?
I
was the one talking. But from this tizzy you are in, I am thinking you were breaking the first rule of Buckshot Questions…the listening part. You can’t just fire the questions and then not wait to hear the answers before zoning out.” He flicked me on the forehead with his finger.

“Ow. Okay, sorry…what did I ask you?”

“Oh, no, you already had your turn. So I’d like to know what was going on in your mind when I said, ‘I exploded’?”

“That’s really irrelevant. It had nothing to do with anything.”

“But that is my question. It seems you have forgotten another rule of Buckshot Questions—no passing. Maybe I will repeat my answer if you answer my question.”

I was intrigued as to what story he told while I was daydreaming about him making love to me, but I really didn’t want to tell him what I was thinking.

“Okay, so we are even. One cancels out the other. We can both remain silent for that round.” I liked making up my own rules when I felt trapped. He usually didn’t let me do that, but I saw something in his eyes that told me he wasn’t going to push.

“Fair enough. What’s something
you
regret?” He smiled a devilish smile that turned my insides to jelly.

“Wait, isn’t that in the rules? You can’t repeat my question back to me.”

“No, it’s
not
in the rules, and yes, I
can
repeat your question back to you. So be careful what you ask for, silly girl!” My chin was resting on my hands on his chest, I could feel each time he sighed or giggled. He tousled my hair and then brushed it out of my face and tucked each side behind my ears. His hands were slow and gentle. He rubbed my jawline with his thumb and then poked me in the nose. “I’m waiting…”

I hated the word “regret” because it reminded me of how many I actually had. I wish I wouldn’t have asked him that question. It was not a question I wanted to answer. Ugh. I searched my brain for something that didn’t feel offensive. But my mind sloshed with images of all the things I regretted.

“I can’t.” I looked up at him just as my eyes filled with tears.

“Hey, Gracie, this is supposed to be for fun. We don’t have to play if it’s going to upset you.”

“Jake, I just have so many, and that is so embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing? Since when is anything between us embarrassing? There’s nothing we have to hide from each other, right?”

“No. You’re right.”

“That wasn’t a ploy to get you to answer, I’m just—”

“No, you’re right. There’s nothing I can’t tell you.” I took a deep breath to clear away the nausea. Sometimes when I relived the hurtful things that happened between Noah and me, I would either puke or break out in hives. I figured it meant my heart was trying to purge my soul of something ugly. I knew what that ugly was, but I didn’t need to paint a gruesome picture for Jake. I would answer honestly, but I would give him an answer that wouldn’t make him cringe.

“One thing I regret is…” I lowered my head so my forehead was resting on his chest, sighed, then lifted my gaze into his sparkling eyes. “…losing my virginity to Noah. I wish I would have waited longer because now he holds something that someone else deserves a lot more. I can’t ask for it back. A part of me is his…his forever. He will be a scar on my heart for the rest of my life. On my wedding night, I won’t be able to give my husband all of me. That’s my biggest regret.”

This time the tears didn’t just come to my eyes, they burst out of my face. Jake sat straight up and pulled me into his arms, and I situated myself across his lap. He rocked me gently and rubbed both hands over my back. I cried like a baby. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to be raked across the coals so many times. Each time I added the weight of new regrets. God, there were so many. Whoever I ended up with would have to be a saint to take on all my fucked-up-ness and still love me for who I was. Somewhere along the way I lost myself. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t know the girl looking back. But that girl was me. Sometimes I didn’t like her. I didn’t want to be that girl anymore, but I didn’t know how to be anyone else, and that broke me in two.

Fifty

We got back to the apartment after dinner and I jumped right in the shower. I was in and out in no time. When Jake headed into the bathroom, I quickly dressed and went right to my favorite playlist on his iPod. I snuggled into Jake’s pillow and scrolled through the songs.

Over the last couple months we created a “nap” playlist which I thought was cute. There would be no way for anyone else to look at that list of songs and think it was anything other than a playlist for when he sleeps…alone. I relived a part of every memory as I listened to small snippets of each song. There was a story behind almost every song, and the songs that didn’t have a specific story to relate them to had lyrics that spoke for us.

“I Melt With You” by Modern English has a lyric that is all about making love being the best with one specific person. I knew why we both agreed on this one. It referenced that perfect morning that I obviously daydreamed about more often than I realized. Although we hadn’t made love since, I knew for both of us, it was a beautiful gift that we would keep forever. Not a regret.

“Beautiful Tonight” by Eric Clapton was the song we sort of slow danced to one night at
Mitchell’s
at the end of last semester. We had gone out without our normal entourage. It was just the two of us. We listened to an acoustic band and each drank a pitcher of cheap beer that night. To anyone watching, our “dancing” probably looked a whole lot more like “holding each other up while we swayed.” That must have been the night Noah was talking about when he told me he’d been looking for me after our last big fight. There was a selfish satisfaction in knowing he saw us dancing that night. Later, we stumbled home and stopped just about every block to make out. It was sloppy and a little rough, but in a sweet Jake kind of way.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith was just one of those songs that was sprinkled with unspoken thoughts between us. It was all about savoring a moment with someone, a moment you never want to let go of. Jake had been such a blessing to me over the last couple years. Our friendship and love meant everything to us. I could honestly say he saved my life, and there were times I feared if I closed my eyes for too long, he would disappear. He really was too good to be true. I wanted to hang on to his friendship as long as I could. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd was our rock star debut at a friend’s party during finals week sophomore year. I thought Sam would wet himself laughing at us singing on a make-shift stage in one of Jake’s classmate’s kitchen. Neither of us could carry a tune, and we didn’t know all the words, but damn it was fun. That song would always be ours in my mind.

“Fuckin’ Perfect” by P!nk made time stop. There wasn’t just one scenario for that song. I saw the love on Jake’s face when this song played. All of the many nights I cried in his arms for hours after being humiliated by Noah, he would brush the hair off my wet cheeks and wipe my eyes with his sleeve and remind me quietly to never think less of myself for what Noah put me through. That I’d always be perfect to Jake.

At the time, I wished it was Noah who could say those things to me. But I knew Jake meant those words even if he meant them in the friend perspective. That in itself was perfect to me.

There were so many songs and so many memories. As the naps became a regular occurrence and our nap list grew, I told him I would need to approve of each song. There were thirty-one songs so far.

I was glad his shower was a long one so I had time to lay on the bed and relish in the sweet moments of knowing Jake while skimming through our playlist.
Wait, thirty-two songs.
The only song I hadn’t approved was one called “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. I wasn’t sure I knew it so I hit play.

I turned up the volume a little and listened closely to the sweet rhythm of the thrum of the guitar. Then the lyrics came. They took turns singing of the luck they’ve found because they’ve found themselves in love with each other…best friends. I got goose bumps and tears and my heart grew a little bigger when they harmonized the words. It was the song that tore me apart on the way home from the Jazz Fest with Noah. It was the one from my dream that night. It was the song that made me realize Noah would never be what I needed him to be. It was as if this song was written for Jake and I. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any sweeter, I wiped a few streaming tears as Jason and Colbie swooned about how long it takes to build a special kind of love and how they’d wait for each other.

Jake added this song without me knowing anything about it.

Heart. Swelling.

Jake climbed into bed with me, all warm and still a bit wet. We wiggled our way into our favorite best-friend-nap position—him on his back with his right arm under me, me on my left side and my head on his shoulder and my right leg draped over both of his. It was so comfortable with him, I didn’t have to worry about anything. No expectations of each other, no disappointments. His iPod played
Lucky
softly from his dock on the table next to his bed.

“I like the new song.” I looked up at him from his chest and motioned with my head toward the music.

He took a slow deep breath and squeezed me into his side. I reached around and squeezed him back. He kissed me on the top of my head and then I closed my eyes and drifted off into the most restful night’s sleep I had in a long while. The safety I felt when I was by his side was the main reason I could rest as deeply as I did that night.

Fifty-One

Jake’s voice was my favorite sound to wake up to. It made me smile before my eyes even opened. It was my favorite way to wake up. It felt like home.

“I wanted to wait until Friday to surprise you, but I can’t wait. You’re not going to believe this!” He tried to whisper, but I could hear excitement in his words.

“What? They cancelled school for the semester?” My voice was groggy and my eyes still shut.

“Ha! No. Alternate Tragedy is at Mitchell’s Friday night…and guess who scored two tickets?”

My eyes sprung open, I picked myself up and lunged at him. I threw my arms around his neck and he chuckled and hugged me back. “Oh. My. Lord! You are definitely my favorite person on the planet!” A little of my hug was for the tickets. Most of my hug was because the calm that ran through my heart when he touched me took my breath away. Jake was my protector, my confidant, my guidance. There was nothing I couldn’t tell this man, the man that held my heart and my soul together as though the destruction of those two things would stop the rotation of his world. He listened and hugged and spoke at all the right times.

Something clicked in my heart when he saw me standing in his bathroom doorway. A wave that felt like a new beginning came over us. I knew he felt it, too. There was no denying this connection anymore. This man would stand between me and a bullet, he was willing to hold my hand while my heart was breaking, and he’d offer to clean up the pieces, no matter how messy it got. He was a true man and truly the most beautiful soul on the planet. And he loved me. Me.

He pulled the tickets from the drawer of his nightstand and handed them to me. His eyes were filled with pure unadulterated selflessness. Sure, he enjoyed the band, but Alternate Tragedy was my favorite band of all time. He’d watched me suck in every lyric and feel the pain behind every word they sang. Music touched my soul in a way that most people didn’t understand. But Jake did. He understood me in a way no one else did.

Alternate Tragedy used to play all around town. They did classic alternative covers, songs by Nirvana, Jane’s Addiction, Henry Rollins, Pearl Jam, and Red Hot Chili Peppers. They were local until some alumni who owned a record label heard them play Homecoming weekend last year. He had them signed in no time, and they’d been writing original songs and on the road promoting their new album, Fallen. Stacy and Becki drove to Chicago over the summer to see them live. They would be so pissed when they found out I saw the band without them. They wouldn’t be back from break until Saturday.

“They’re back.” I stared at the tickets in my hand and ran my fingers across the raised print. The vibration of their deep, soulful angst was almost palpable in my palm. I was in awe that they would come back to campus after making it big.

“Should be a good time. I’m thinking they’re looking for some small venues to play to catch their breath before they head overseas. Apparently, they are huge in London.”

“And they got their start here, in Knoxville. That’s so freaking cool.”

“So, what did Noah say when you told him you weren’t riding back with him?” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

I pushed my face into his bare chest and he put his arms around me. He kissed me softly again on the top of my head. I stayed silent and winced.

“You
did
tell him, didn’t you?”

Silence from moi.

“Gracie! What’s he going to think when he goes to get you at your house on Friday?”

“I’m assuming he will call to arrange times before the end of the week and I will just tell him then. He will be far, far away and can get as mad as he wants. I won’t have to deal with it.”

“You haven’t talked to him since…that night? Does he know about this?” He drew an imaginary circle in the air around us.

“Yeah, but only because he jammed the question down my throat so many times I had to give him something so he’d back off. I told him we got closer and were kind of seeing each other. I also said anything more than that was none of his business.”

“I’m sure that went over like a fart in church.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.” I giggled when I realized what he had just said. “A fart in church? Where do you come up with this stuff?”

I fell back to sleep in Jake’s arms with a smile on my face. He loved me.

That afternoon we spent lying on the lawn at Circle Park, which was usually teeming with people studying or playing a quick game of football between classes, but today it was just us and a couple passersby every now and then. There was something so different about being on campus when there was nothing academic hanging over my head. It felt so amazing to just waste the day away talking and laughing about anything and everything. There was so much Jake and I knew about each other, but there was still so much to know, and it was days like this we didn’t get enough of during the semester. We truly had nowhere to be. Our time was ours... for a couple more days. We laid in our usual capital letter T formation with my head on his stomach. I pictured this being my future…a future that didn’t include Noah. It was a nice thought.

“So, who was your first?” It was at that moment I realized I had only ever seen Jake with Jessica. I never pictured him with anyone else. I wondered who came before Jessica. I had no idea how many girlfriends he had prior to her. There had been no reason for me to know that part of his past. Now I was curious to piece the past I didn’t know together with the Jake I knew at that very moment.

“First kiss? Or first sex?”

“Both.”

“Well, nosey, my first kiss was Sarah Lane. She fell off the monkey bars, and when I helped her up, she kissed me. I was too stunned to kiss back.” He pulled the brim of his baseball cap down over his eyes and laid his head back down on his clasped hands. I changed positions and used his bent arm as a pillow and snuggled in close. He smelled amazing.

“That’s the Jake I know, helping a girl stand on her own two feet.” He peeked down at me from under his brim and smiled a sexy grin. My stomach turned inside out from that look.

“And my ‘first first’ was Amanda Trostle. We were sixteen and we both lied about where we were sleeping after Prom. We did it in a tent by a creek behind the school. I know, I know, I was always so romantic.”

“In the woods. By a creek? You wouldn’t have gotten in
my
panties if you took me camping. That completely disappoints me, Jake.”

“Well, I can tell you Amanda wasn’t disappointed, not the way she—”

I smacked him hard on the stomach. He folded in half trying to protect himself all the while laughing until he snorted.

Jake knew Noah was my first. That was no secret. We didn’t have actual secrets, just things we’d never asked each other. There were things I would never tell him unless he asked, but much of what I didn’t want him to know was way too graphic for him to ask. He didn’t need those visuals. Just like I didn’t need to know the nitty gritty about he and Amanda in their passion tent. Ew.

We snuggled in the hot sun for hours, napping off and on, until his growling stomach beneath my head roused me enough to realize how hungry I was.

“Where do you want to eat?” He sat up and stretched.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m game for anything. Oh, wait, not Chinese. Ever since that night last year when you and Becki and I made that horrible wine and vodka fruit punch concoction, I can’t eat Chinese because I know what it looks like half digested. That was so nasty.”

“Nasty for who? In case you don’t remember, I am pretty sure I held your hair out of the toilet that night.”

“Oh, right. I’ve been meaning to apologize…and thank you for that.” I giggled and stood up. I grabbed the folded blanket from him and kissed him on the cheek.