In Too Deep (24 page)

But when I rounded the corner into the foyer, I could see Noah through the side window to the right of the door. My heart slammed its next beat so hard I was sure someone standing in front of me would have seen my ribcage lunge forward.

“What do you want?” I said the words on my side of the window. He didn’t need to hear me, he had to be expecting something like that. He knew I wouldn’t be happy to see him. I was pissed that he was at my door. Flashes of my birthday night coursed through my mind one by one. I winced and squeezed my eyes closed hoping to wring the images from my head.

“Gracie, I know you don’t want to open the door, but I need you to listen to what I have to say.” He was talking louder than he needed to for me to hear him. I was instantly annoyed. I shuddered.

“So talk.” If I kept a locked door between us, I could walk away whenever I’d had enough.

“Can I please come in?”

“No.”

“Okay, I’ll talk through a window if that’s the only way you’ll listen.” He waited a couple seconds like he thought I’d have a change of heart and open the door. When he saw that was not in his cards, he started talking. I leaned my forehead against the cool glass and watched his lips form words that proved introspection, self-awareness and a level of thought so deep I could do nothing but hold my breath and wish he wasn’t doing this to me.

“Gracie. I haven’t had a solid example of how to show love or how to accept it. At least not the depth of love you are willing to give. I don’t know how to reciprocate that without feeling terrified. I never expected to fall so hard for you. I never thought I could love someone so hard it hurt. But I can. I do.

“Gracie. When you look at me and I know you can see all the way into my soul, my first instinct is self-preservation. I instinctively push you away so you won’t climb deeper into me. Your heart is so big, Gracie, it could swallow me whole, and that scares the shit out of me because I shouldn’t be worthy of that kind of love. I don’t deserve you. I guess in a twisted sort of way, I push you away to save you.”

The window steamed from the warm breath escaping between my lips. I remembered the conversation I had with my mom. She said only if it was of their own volition could someone truly make a change. I couldn’t believe what was happening in front of me. A huge part of me didn’t want it to be happening because Noah and I proved to be a disaster. I knew I couldn’t handle one more blow from him. My sanity was already climbing the walls. But, as if they had minds of their own, one hand turned the deadbolt and the other opened the door. Cool air across my thighs reminded me I was still only in a t-shirt. I motioned for Noah to follow me back to my room. I needed to put more clothes on so he didn’t ruin his heart-felt apology by making a move on me. He sat on my bed and I pulled sweats off the hook on the back of my door and slid myself inside them. I sat down next to him. He took my hands in his.

“I am head over heels in love with you, Gracie. I have been since the night you kissed me after the fireworks. I’ve always thought that shock between our lips was a sign that you were the one. I’m terrified of that. If I let myself truly feel the level of love I know we are capable of, then what happens if you leave me? I don’t know how to handle that kind of pain. I am sure I’ve never felt something that severe.”

“Noah, you just described what you have done to me, over and over and over. You have split my heart wide open so many times because, unlike you, I don’t know how to guard my heart. I opened it to you almost two years ago, and I’ve been giving you all I have ever since. I can’t turn it off, I don’t know how. So, when you pierce me with your hateful words, the pain is palpable. It takes me to my knees.” There was no holding back the tears. I didn’t even try to. I was done walking on eggshells. Again.

That’s when he did something I never thought I’d see. He fell into my lap and cried like a baby. I had taken all the pain he had inflicted on me and threw it straight to his heart before he had the chance to get that wall back up.

“Gracie,” he lifted his head and I watched tears stream down his face. “I can’t control myself when it comes to protecting you. You’ve seen me almost waste guys when they flirt with you at parties. And lately I guess I’ve subconsciously been trying to keep you out of harm’s way by pushing you away. So, I act out and as soon as you leave, I’m in a heap on the floor because I hate myself for hurting you. You say you just want us to be friends and sometimes I want that, too. But then I think of you with someone else and it rips me apart. The thought of you sharing with someone else what you’ve only given to me tortures and wrecks me.”

My mind rushed back to the morning Jake and I made love. Noah had no way of knowing that had already happened. Part of me felt bad for this, but the part of me that kept score licked her finger and made a tally mark in the air. He isn’t the only one that holds that part of my heart anymore. I had one proverbial foot out the door. I breathed in slow and deep and stuck to my guns.

“Noah. I don’t know if I can go back there. We need to be friends, first. Real friends.” I knew in my heart there was no way Noah and I would ever come close to the friendship Jake and I had. I wasn’t sure I should ever expect that level of connection with anyone else for as long as I lived.

Noah’s eyes were red but I saw something click. He nodded. Then he leaned in and hugged me. My body went slack in his arms. He was saying and doing everything right…but it was too late. I didn’t think I could ever let him back in. I thought of the ring he gave me for Christmas. My grace and trust was gone. I was trying to step out of his heart but it was proving more difficult than I ever dreamed.

“Will you go somewhere with me tomorrow?”

“Where?” I was almost scared to ask.

“The Cookeville Jazz Festival.” He pulled back and looked me in the eyes, our noses almost touching. I could feel his warm, desperate breath like each one could be his last.

He knew of one way he could get me to spend the day with him. Music was my weakness. I would have gone to a concert with Charles Manson if he was my only ride.

“Sure.” I tried to convince myself I hadn’t just caved. In agreeing to go away with Noah, I was helping him learn how to be “just friends.” Wasn’t I?

“Perfect. I will grab you in the morning.”

I heard the sound of the garage door going up, and I knew my mom was probably freaking out because Noah’s car was in the driveway, which meant we were home alone together. If she found us in my bedroom, she’d kill us both. The panic I was feeling was reflected in the look on Noah’s face. He knew what her response to the guilt-laden scenario would be. We darted into the foyer. Just as I was trying to figure out how to explain his puffy, bloodshot eyes, he kissed me on the cheek and was out the door in a flash. I brought my hand up to where his lips touched. What was I doing? I stuck my head out the door and called to him.

“Hey!”

He turned but continued walking backwards to his car.

“Friendship means no dick moves.”

“Got it.” He smiled, saluted and was down the driveway in no time.

“Gracie Ann Jordan!”

Now I had to go deal with the premarital sex police.

Forty-Two

The sun through the windshield warmed my legs as Noah and I left for the Jazz Festival in Cookeville. The drive was a little over three hours, just long enough to have fun, but not long enough for uncomfortable silences to seep in.

“So, how’d you explain your way out of our sketchy situation yesterday?”

“Oh, yeah. I meant to thank you for making it look like you were running from the scene of the crime. It would have been easier on me if you would have just stayed and said hi to her.”

“Are you kidding? She may be small but she could kick my ass if she thought I was…well, we both know she could kick my ass.”

“I told her we were standing in the foyer talking for just a couple minutes before she got home and you were late for something, and that’s why you didn’t stick around.”

“Gracie Jordan lied? That’s one for the history books.”

“I wouldn’t have had to lie if you wouldn’t have pussed out.” I grinned, knowing he wasn’t expecting that.

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“I may have.”

He shook his head and chuckled. I was sure we were both thinking back to all the times he stopped himself in the middle of that word because he knew it made me cringe. It still did but I forced it out just to see his reaction. Maybe we could be just friends.

An hour into our trip we were still happy. We talked and goofed around all while singing made-up words to songs we thought we knew and calling each other out on our ridiculous lyrical substitutions. He hadn’t crossed any of the boundaries I had preset in my mind.

“This is fun, Noah.” He nodded to me and the music and smiled as he butchered the song he was trying to sing. I giggled. I was genuinely having fun with Noah.

We were stopped at a red light when he threw something at me I wasn’t expecting.

“So, what’s up with you and Jake?”

I slowly turned my face toward his and tried to decipher the emotion behind his eyes. It wasn’t sad. It teetered between playful and twisted and cocky. I didn’t know what to make of that. Did he really want to know? Would Jake want him to know? Noah said his anger was a result of him protecting me. He wasn’t afraid of a good fist fight, and it terrified me to think of him and Jake toe-to-toe. I hadn’t planned on telling Noah anything about Jake and me because it wasn’t any of his business, but I was a horrible liar. We were in a car, less than two feet from each other. I couldn’t walk away or pretend to get distracted.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He yelled so loud. My heart stopped and then beat a couple extra times to catch up with my shallow breaths. He pounded his hands on the steering wheel so hard I truly thought the air bag would deploy. I had seen Noah angry before, but this was a vicious anger. It was something I’d never seen. Ever. Based on our conversation in my room, I could now translate that anger as fear. But it didn’t make it any less terrifying. I either had to be ridiculously creative with my answer or just flat out lie. I was so panicked at that moment. I didn’t want to be responsible for him taking out this level of anger on Jake when we got back to school. Who knew what he would do. The thought scared me. I actually had to shake my head to rid it of that visual.

“I didn’t answer you.” Staying calm, I tried to look as innocent as possible. It was getting harder and harder to do. That realization made me nauseous because he could use the truthful answer to his question in ways to hurt me deeply.

“You didn’t have to!” He slammed his foot to the floor when the light turned green and made the hairpin turn so quickly, I was sure to the car would flip. His little Mazda wasn’t heavy enough for the centrifugal force that came its way. In that split second of sheer consternation, I saw Jake’s face. He was smiling at me, and just as he reached out toward me, the car came to a sudden screeching halt. There was no crash. No busting glass. It was then I realized my eyes had been closed.

When I opened them, we were conveniently parked in an empty parking lot across from the intersection we had just bolted through at the speed of light. Noah punched the switch on the radio. An uncomfortable silence filled the air, and he stared me down. Blood pumped in my ears, and for a minute, I actually thought it was the pounding bass from a passing car. I lowered my head, folded my hands in my lap, and slid so I was facing forward. I was overwhelmed with fear. The psychological pain I had endured since September could not compare to being on the receiving end of the back of his hand.

Even though he’d been in tons of them, I’d only seen him fight once, but it scared the hell out of me. It was two semesters ago when he felt it necessary to warn some guy at a party that his particularly rough advances toward me were not okay with Noah. They certainly weren’t okay with me, either, but the guy was strong. I struggled to break free from his hold around my body. But he was way too big. He squeezed my ass as tight as he could and ground his groin into me with his jaw clenched. His heavy eyelids hid half of his pupils. He was wasted.

Noah came out of nowhere, pulled the drunken assailant off me and jumped him. This particular goon was bigger than Noah, but the unexpected attack had the guy at an extreme disadvantage. Noah’s right fist hit him so hard, I thought his face would slide right off his skull. Two teeth flew into the middle of the dance floor, but that didn’t stop Noah. He went ape shit. Four Sigma Chi brothers had to pull him off the guy who, by then, was a bloody mess.

I had seen firsthand what Noah’s angry hands could do, so I sat completely still and braced myself. I didn’t know if he was going to throw insults or fists, and I wanted to be ready for whatever was coming. The silence in the car was deafening. My hair slipped from behind my ears creating a convenient curtain between us. I couldn’t see where he was looking or what he was preparing for, but I wasn’t going to move. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited.

In a forced calm but depraved whisper, he spoke. “You fucked him, didn’t you?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come out. I shook in fear of what he might do if I told him the truth. My heart pounded with the thought of his reaction if I lied. He’d see right through it. I didn’t have an answer that would get me out of this without all hell breaking loose.

“Look. At. Me.” There was an injured tone in his voice.

I took a deep breath. I had to find a level of strength I’d never summoned before to get through this, so I needed to stay calm. The minute I let myself get emotional, he would swoop in for the kill, belittle me, and win. No matter what. It was what always happened. Knowing it was fear behind his anger didn’t make me any less terrified. There was no talking him down once he escalated to this level.

I tucked my hair behind my ears, turned my whole body to face him and looked him straight in the eyes. I clenched my jaw in fear, but hoped he saw it as strength.

“I want to know, now. Did you have sex with Jake?”

“Noah…”

And in that millisecond of a pause, he threw his hands up into his hair and leaned forward, face-first into the steering wheel.

“You didn’t even let me answer. You’re making assumptions.”

“They’re not assumptions. I saw the way he looked at you when he brought you ice cream the day we left for break. I have seen you two on campus. I watched the two of you drunk-dancing at
Mitchell’s
one night last month. I hated myself for hurting you the way I did that day you were in my room. That day when you said ‘we are done,’ and I knew you meant it, was the worst day of my life. I wanted to talk it out with you. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you…”

I couldn’t believe more raw honesty was tumbling freely from his heart. I didn’t dare say a word. He continued, “A couple days later when I got my head out of my ass, I came looking for you. You weren’t at your apartment so I ran up to Jake and Sam’s. A bunch of people were in the living room, but I didn’t see you. When I asked if they knew where you were, Sam got all nervous-like and pointed to the hallway and said you were sleeping. You were probably fucking him right then. And I was standing in the next room! Dammit, Gracie!”