In Too Deep (25 page)

A scenario flashed through my mind. I could almost feel Jake’s gentle hands on me and feel his warm breath on my neck. That memory was rudely interrupted by the eerie echo of Jessica’s voice on the phone when I called Jake. My heart stuttered at the thought of them in bed together.

Sam had never told me Noah came looking for me. I couldn’t believe how full circle this had come. This nightmare all started when he was letting Ivy give him a blow job in Sam’s bedroom while I was in the living room. I was stunned at the irony. But I needed to keep my head clear so I could take a firm hold of this conversation and not let it go. I knew the word “slut” was right around the corner if I didn’t take the bull by the horns at that very moment.

“Noah, Jake and I got a lot closer after Christmas. Jessica was gone. They agreed to see other people, and you and I were broken up.”

He slammed his fists on the steering wheel again and shook his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep labored breath, and waved me on with his hand. “Continue,” he said through clenched teeth.

I couldn’t believe how emotional he was getting. This was killing him maybe almost as much as it killed me that night after the formal. Maybe.

“Jake and I were kind of seeing each other. But what went on between us is really none of your business.” Those were almost the same words he said to me about Lily when I found the flowers in the trashcan. If I had ever doubted God wanting anything to do with me after all I had caved to this year, He was on my side that morning. I couldn’t have choreographed this level of irony myself. I tossed a silent “Thank you” toward Heaven.

“None of my…”

I held up my hand and shook my head. “I’m not finished. Who I was seeing and what we were doing while we were both single is none of your concern…especially, especially when that person is your former roommate.”

My heart beat so fast, I was sure I could keep two people’s full blood supply pumping through their veins simultaneously. Each time I stood up to Noah, it was a little easier and seemed a little more natural. I used to just cry, that wasn’t “standing up.”

“I don’t know what to think.” His voice was quieter.

“What to think about what? I am not your girlfriend, Noah, and I haven’t been for a while. You didn’t think I would wait for you…”

“Yeah, I think I did. I never thought you would run out and find somebody new.”

“I didn’t ‘run out’ and find somebody. Jake and I have been best friends since I transferred, and while you were pledging, we shared a lot with each other. He was missing Jessica while she was away this semester, and you and I were a mess. Jake is who I turned to because he never failed me.”

“I failed you.” His voice was barely a whisper.

My gut reaction was to make him feel better by saying that wasn’t true, but it was true. And today was apparently a new start for me, so I responded gently but honestly. “
We
failed, Noah. Our relationship just wasn’t meant to be.”

“What? Don’t say that. What can I do to make you see I don’t want to be without you ever again?” His voice was abrupt and unnerved and his eyes were begging me for another chance.

“Noah…”

“No, I’m serious, I will do anything. Anything. Just name it.”

“Noah…”

“Gracie, hear me out. You and I are different, I’ve always felt that way. Sure, we fight and break up, but I never thought it would be the last time. I may not have reacted the right way to your affection and how much of it you wanted to give me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you. I think about you all the time.”

“Well, it’s nice to know I’m still in your head.”

“You always will be. I don’t know how to be without you.”

“You sure didn’t have a problem when you were letting girls in your room and slamming doors in my face. Damn it, Noah, you have multiple personalities!” I tried so hard to not get emotional, but this conversation was ripping my heart out. Tears welled up in my eyes.

“Oh, no, no, please don’t cry.” He reached up to wipe them away, and I pulled back and used the back of my hand. He sunk back into his seat in such a way I knew he couldn’t believe I had just pulled away from him. Honestly, I couldn’t believe it either.

“Look, Noah, I couldn’t take the ups and downs anymore. It was exhausting. It broke my spirit. It broke
me
.”

“I am so sorry. I will fix it. I will change, I promise!”

Holy shit, he was panicking. He was ready to fight for me like I wanted him to the night he told me about Ivy and Madison and Steph. I wanted him to say all these things that night. I wanted him to fight for me and he didn’t. He just sat on my bed and gave me nothing.

“I don’t expect you to change, Noah. We just need to move on.” Did I just say
that
? I was quite proud of myself, and honestly, the first thing I thought of was how proud Jake would be. Maybe I should have been jumping up and down with pompoms in my mind but I wasn’t. The guy I had given up everything for and given all of myself to finally wanted to love me the way I needed him to. My heart was breaking to see him so desperate.

He closed his eyes, shook his head and pulled out of the parking space.

I thought about all that hung in the balance. Our history together, it was our story, and I still was unsure how to write the ending. I stood up for myself and it felt amazing but I was still teetering on the edge of that precipice. I almost did it. I almost ended it for good. But putting an end to our relationship would probably mean I would never see him again. As desperate as he was, I knew if I called it quits for good, he’d be gone.

The current that threatened to pull me back into the vast expanse of the deep grabbed me tighter than it ever had. One final yank and the strength in my fingers would give way. The dry sand my hands had dug into for dear life wafted through the air but wouldn’t hold me if the tide came in. One big wave and my body would be pulled backwards into the very Hell that tried to take my life the first time.

Forty-Three

Once our conversation calmed, we decided to keep driving and follow our original plan to spend the day in Cookeville. But we didn’t talk at all. We had the music up pretty loud so it wasn’t as uncomfortable as it could have been. Once we got to the festival, we entertained small talk as we darted in and out of crowds and haggled with the vendors. We had been walking around for a while with the sun beating down on us, and with the stress of the first half of the ride there, my head was splitting open.

“So, in the car, you diagnosed me with multiple personalities. You want to explain that to me?”

“No. Not right now. Noah, my head is killing me. I need to sit.” I had no interest in getting into it again, especially not with a migraine.

“You go sit. I’ll go get us a couple waters.”

In the last two hours, Noah had transformed into someone I used to know. Someone I’d been missing for a long time. He was attentive and gentle and kind. He offered to get me water for my headache, for God’s sake. I couldn’t remember the last time chivalry was part of our relationship.

I thought about what it would be like to keep this Noah as my friend but get rid of the others I’d unfortunately been introduced to. I thought of Jake. Our relationship was so easy and so honest. My heart actually ached thinking of him reconnecting with Jessica. Her hands on him…I gasped out loud just as Noah walked up behind me.

“Okay. Split personalities. You need to explain…” He opened my water and pulled a small packet of ibuprofen from his pocket. “And take these.”

“You walk around with drugs in your pocket?”

“Yeah. You may have been able to get me to quit smoking pot, but anti-inflammatories, these babies are my real vice.” He laughed genuinely and tore the packet so I could get some relief. “I got them at that little stand over there where I got the water. Now stop changing the subject. Me. Personalities.” He sat down across from me at the little rickety picnic table carved full of names in hearts.

“I’m not sure what you want to know, Noah. I was just kidding.”

“But there has to be some truth to it for you to even have that thought. What are my personalities?”

I sighed. This conversation could go either way. It could open his eyes to see how he’d been treating me, or it could make him defensive and pissed off. But, I wasn’t responsible for his emotions. I jumped in with both feet.

“Well, there’s a real Noah, a romantic one, a loner one…”

“Slow down. I know who the real Noah is.” He kind of rolled his eyes like it was obvious. But he had no idea who that guy was. “Okay, so the romantic one…”

“Oh, you
really
want to talk about this. All right, the romantic one can predict my every move before I even know it. He pays attention and treats me to surprises. He also says
I love you
.” I watched him closely, there was not even a hint of a flinch when I said those three little words.

“Wow. Okay.” He seemed hungry for every detail. “So, there are more?”

“Oh, yeah, let’s see, there’s the loner one.”

“What is he like?”

“Well, he needs no one and isn’t afraid to let everyone
know
they aren’t needed. He’s the one who doesn’t want me to call.
He
wants to be the one to decide when reaching out is necessary.”

“You really think I’m him?”

“Part of you is, I’ve become quite familiar with Loner Noah”

“You don’t like that one.” He took a sip of his water and tipped his bottle so it was pointing at the grimace on my face.

“No, not especially. He makes me sad and self-conscious.”

This was actually one of the most sweetly intense conversations Noah and I had ever had, with the exception of the one we had the day before and the ones before and after we made love for the first time. He was so sweet and gentle and very careful to make sure I was ready. And the dozen roses the next day made me feel like he cherished my gift.

The conversation about Noah’s personalities was almost as intimate as what I experienced that night. He usually didn’t entertain “sappy” and “deep” for this many minutes strung together, and
he
was the one initiating it.

“I’m sorry I make you sad.”

I just looked away before the tears came. I was sorry, too. More sorry than he would ever know. He left scars inside me that I would always feel whether we were together forever or not.

“Tell me about another one.”

“Noah, we don’t have to…”

“I need you to do this for me, please.” His voice was strained.

“There’s a daring Noah.”

“Oh, that sounds…better?”

“Yeah. I like that one. He’s brave and a little reckless, but that makes him so sexy. As long as we’re being honest here, romantic and daring would be a beautiful combination.” I realized when I said it I was giving him all the ingredients that, at one time, may have won me back. I didn’t want to give him false hope, but part of me was curious how far this conversation would go before he blew a fuse.

“Really? I will have to remember that. Are there more?”

“There’s one more…but we can stop.”

“Please don’t stop, Gracie.”

I took a deep cleansing breath. “There’s an angry one.” An uncontrollable shiver came across me when I pictured his face within inches of mine the day he spat out his confession that he and Lily had gone to a function together. The evil smile on his face as he watched me cry would stay with me forever.

“Do I want to know about him?”

“I wish I didn’t know him. He scares me a lot.” I had to look away from him because even though his face was somber and pained, I could almost see the evil smile from that day transposed over his current expression. It was almost like one of those kids’ books that have the pages that turn in sections and you can give little spindly legs to a body builder or a vampire’s grin to a baby just by the portion of the page you turn. In this case, I had turned the seedy grin page over on top of the Prince Charming face. I bounced my knees under the table to keep myself from reacting.

“And who is he?”

“That’s who you were in the car. It scares me, Noah. You scare me when you are that guy.” I looked up at him and saw the regret in his eyes.

Tears came out of nowhere. I wiped them with my sleeves quickly so Noah didn’t have time to reach for me. I really didn’t want him to touch me. My legs shook under the table, my heart was racing and my mouth was dry just from reliving the last two angry Noah moments. I reached for my water and guzzled half of it.

“Gracie, your hands are shaking. Do I do this to you?” He knew the answer before he got the question out. “God, I’m so stupid! I don’t like this anymore. Can you tell me about the real one, the real Noah?”

“I can’t.” I hung my head and the tears fell.

“Why not?” He reached across the table and took my hand. I was too exhausted to object.

“Because I don’t remember him.”

Forty-Four

The main band shell bellowed a familiar tune. Noah stood and tossed our water bottles in the trash with one hand and reached for my hand with the other. I looked up at him to gauge his mood before I put my hand in his. We both knew there was nothing else to say. He closed his eyes for a bit longer than a blink and sighed. He dropped his hand and turned away. I stood and followed him to the music.

As we listened to the up and coming jazz sensation, Picasso and the Golden Monkeys, play a long list of soulful instrumentals, Noah stood behind me. Something had changed in our short walk to the center of the crowd. When he put his hand gently on my waist, it didn’t make me flinch. Soon he slid his other hand around and clasped them both across my stomach. I didn’t know if it was exhaustion that kept me from knocking his hands away or if, even though I stuck to my guns, I was still holding out hope for a breakthrough. His heart was closer to mine than it had been in nearly half a year. He turned his head toward mine and used his cheek to push back the hair that had fallen from behind my ear. His soft stubble grazed my skin. His lips brushed my temple and held their position long enough for a swarm of butterflies to fill my stomach. I was still in awe of his silence at the end of our conversation. He didn’t get angry. I wasn’t afraid of him. I stopped shaking. He took that hard truth and absorbed it. He didn’t fight back. He was taking all the blame. I closed my eyes and tried to only remember the sweetness of our relationship. I tried to pretend nothing ugly had ever happened to see what that felt like. I pretended this gentle guy snuggling in behind me had never shattered into many different personalities. I wanted to be able to sift out all of the pain and only have the happy memories left behind. I wanted to remember the real Noah. But I couldn’t. Maybe I needed to focus on the “new” Noah and stop trying to make him someone he could no longer be.

He moved his lips down to my ear and breathed words into my soul, “This feels so good.”

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his. I wanted to hold on to this moment forever. No matter what happened, I just wanted to remember him like this. But it was a tightrope walk with Noah. One wrong move, and I was free falling.

“Let’s go have a picnic.” He spun me out of his arms, took my hand, and led me through the bevy of PGM fans. When we made it out of the crowd, he stopped walking and turned so quickly I ran right into him. He reached for my other hand and squeezed them both, coaxing me to look up at him. I lifted my chin and tilted my head back. I was welcomed by my reflection in his big brown eyes. It killed me to imagine Lily’s reflection in them. Had he held her this close? Had they been intimate? I doubted I could ever look at him and not see the others that most likely still swam in his mind.

He let go of my left hand and placed his warm, strong hand along the side of my face. When his lips met mine, there was a familiar shock, one I hadn’t felt in so long. I let him take me, and the world melted away. I would give anything to be able to bottle that feeling and breathe in its magic each time the spark ran out of Noah. Something in me ached for him. He was right there holding me close and kissing me with a passion we hadn’t shared in way too long, but I was smart enough to know I didn’t hold his heart the way he held mine. I let him have the kiss, but everything in me was calling out to Jake.