In Too Deep (26 page)

My breath hitched when my favorite pair of blue eyes popped into my mind. I could see him smiling at me, and that’s the moment it was evident, Noah did not really have all of my heart anymore. I loved them both. My heart held two men, one because I wanted him to help me find what we once had, and one because he could help me find the girl I once was.

Jake had a magnetism that didn’t give me a choice to ignore what I was feeling, and Noah had a leash on my heart that gave me a choice I never seemed brave enough to make. I could release the leash and walk away. Trouble was, I didn’t know how to detach myself from all the memories of what we used to be together. Not yet, anyway. But I did know I couldn’t expect Jake to wait until I figured out what I was doing. Maybe he was the one I should let go of. The pit of my stomach fell into my shoes.

Noah pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “You do know that I love you, right? I really do love you. I just suck at knowing how to show it. I get scared about what I feel and I push you away.”

My mind spun in a Jake and Noah vortex. I wished I could make time stop long enough for me to have a break from both of them to figure out who I was before I decided who I wanted to be with. Girls dream about having guys fight over them, having more than one to pick from because it makes them feel sought after and wanted. Right then, I didn’t want to be wanted. I wanted to be loved for real and forever. I believed they both loved me for real, but I wasn’t sure both were capable of loving me forever.

“I love you, too.” I whispered the words because I could barely breathe.

Forty-Five

I was happy and shredded at the same time. Things felt familiar but somehow familiar didn’t feel right anymore.
We headed home after dark so the pressure was off to completely hold it together.
It was easier to silently cry and go unnoticed in a dark car than it was to cry in broad daylight. My brain was spinning so I was glad Noah once again appeared to be totally into the music in the car and wasn’t paying attention to anything else. How was I going to make sense of any of this? I wish life came with a do-over, but even then, I wouldn’t know what to do. If I hadn’t fallen for Noah, I never would have met Jake. So, was Noah just the stepping stone to my forever? Or was Jake the one who could build me up so I would be strong enough to stay with Noah forever?

“Listen, I love this new song.” Noah’s voice startled me. He lifted his hand from where it rested on my thigh and turned up the music. I assumed he was trying the Jack Johnson tactic again.

But when I heard the words, everything in my world came to a screeching halt. The singers took turns singing about being in love with their best friend. The melody was beautiful and the lyrics twisted my heart and made me long for Jake’s hands on me. But he and Jessica were probably having a romantic reunion. I needed to let go.

It was hard to hide the tears that came from hearing a song that screamed Jake as I sat in Noah’s car considering giving us another shot. The words “in love with my best friend” echoed in my head on a continuous loop. Noah wasn’t my best friend. He never had been. Our relationship just wasn’t like that. I broke down and bawled uncontrollably. Noah had no idea what to do. He changed the station and kept driving. Surely he thought I was crying because of him. What he didn’t know was my heart was breaking into two equal pieces—one was Noah’s and one was Jake’s. Jake thought he knew what he would get if he and I were to be together, but I didn’t think he knew how shattered I really was. My heart would break if I let him go and my heart would break if I let him settle for me.

We pulled into Noah’s driveway and just sat. I was numb. I wasn’t sure what either of us was waiting for. I could have gotten out, hopped into my own car, and driven home, and he could have gotten out and walked into his family’s home. But we just sat.

“Want to come in?”

I knew I should say no, but something in my psyche kept making me feel like if I could make familiar feel right, I wouldn’t have to jump off the proverbial cliff into the deep unknown. Sometimes the comfort of familiarity beat out common sense.

“Sure, but just for a little.” I felt the ground give way a little, like the universe was trying to remind me this was a jump I shouldn’t make.

His parents had probably been asleep for hours. The house was dark and everything was locked up. We walked in and carefully navigated toward the couch. The smell brought back sweet memories of when we first started dating. There was a temporary peace in my soul. I breathed those memories deep into my core and deduced maybe familiar was more comfort than numb.

Noah found the TV remote on the arm of his dad’s favorite chair and hit the on button. The ear piercing shriek of a woman being chased in a horror flick poured out like poison. My heart sped, my face got hot, and I instinctively held my own ears, as if that would muffle the sound for his parents.

As soon as the sound was at the lowest setting, we both laughed and shushed each other. When we flopped down on the familiar cushions they let out a hiss that seemed to be a whispered reminder that we had come back. Back to a place we had spent numerous hours doing numerous things. We naturally fell into a familiar position with each other as Noah flipped through channels. We sat side by side, with our legs somewhat intertwined. Familiar felt good. We both let out a sigh and a giggle. I think that’s when we realized we had both been holding our breath. The rush of adrenaline still surged through my body from the volume mishap, and the intimacy of our conversation at the festival had followed us home. Unfortunately, there was no remote for that. I would have liked to turn it down because it was shrieking almost as loudly as the woman on the TV. Our breathing increased. His chest rose and fell quickly under my hand. Mine was doing the same. And we were doing nothing more than staring at the television. He turned just enough so we were eye to eye. It looked like he was going to say something and then he just dropped his head to my shoulder.

I’m not sure what came over me, but this time, I reached for his chin and lifted it until our lips were touching. My eyes had adjusted to the dark, and I could see his wide eyes trying to read my intentions behind the kiss. It was deep.

Before I knew it, we were tearing at each other’s clothes and reacquainting ourselves with each other’s bodies. Soon we were naked and entangled on the couch. The familiarity of his body pressing against mine with nothing between us was something I had craved for so long. I could barely contain myself. I needed to feel him inside me. I needed us to be connected in the most intimate way possible. When he slid his hand between my thighs, there was no question what I ached for. And with the pressure on my hip coming from below his waist, I had no doubt he was headed there.

Our bodies rolled to the edge of the couch and fell to the floor onto small piles of clothing we had just strewn around. There was an explosion of lust like a runaway train. In the waves of passion, I pictured us walking on campus together. I imagined there was no tension and no drama, just two lovers working toward finishing college and starting their new life together. From the sheer emotional marathon I had run that day, I drifted away.

Jake’s bed looked empty. There was a panic in my chest that I couldn’t ignore. I ran to the next room, he wasn’t there either. No one else was home. Music blared, but the apartment was empty. I heard the faint tune of a familiar song about best friends in love and realized it was
our song
that was playing. But where was he? I ran back down the hall and into Jake’s bedroom again. I was frantic and trying to focus on any one thing. That’s when I saw it—a folded piece of paper on Jake’s pillow. I climbed onto his bed. His scent wafted up from the sheets. If I wasn’t mistaken, there was a little bit of me in the aroma that wrapped around me. Just that scent covered me in calm. I slowly opened the folded paper. When I saw Jake’s handwriting, my body calmed even further.

“I will wait for you.”

I stood up, took off all of my clothes, and climbed between the sheets. I grabbed a pen from his night stand, turned the note over, and wrote my own message.

“I’m here.”

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Your mom and dad are going to kill you. It’s really, really late.” Someone’s hands shook me awake.

I shot straight up and realized I was naked on Noah’s floor. It was two in the morning. That was not the “here” I was dreaming about, and somehow what should have just been a beautiful reunion of two souls in love felt wrong.

So very wrong.

Confused and sick to my stomach, I threw my clothes on and shoved my bra and panties in the front pocket of my shorts, and darted toward the door.

Noah sauntered over, obviously still glowing from the moments before we fell asleep and not realizing my panic had nothing to do with the time or my parents. He reached to pull my face to his, and I instinctively took a step back and into a bigger wave of nausea.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t…we have to…I can’t do this, Noah. We shouldn’t have done this.”

I left him standing naked in the doorway and ran to my car in tears.

The strong force of the wave pulled me under. I gasped for air just before my face disappeared below the surface. My body rolled over and over, my arms flailed, and my head pounded into the sea bed which felt like a concrete floor. The salty water stung my eyes. I forced myself to keep them open, fearing I would slip into unconsciousness from the blow I took to the head. I knew I had to hold it together long enough for the swell to pull me back up when the wave rolled. But something was pulling me deeper. I fought with all my might, kicking against the thick water swallowing me whole. I used my arms like underwater oars and sliced through the depths trying to reach what I needed most, but I was in too deep.

I was right back where I started. Drowning. Slowly.

Forty-Six

As I drove the familiar route home, my heart broke for Noah. The crushed look on his face when I stuttered through the admission of a huge mistake made me so sad. A vision of Noah in the parking lot of Murphy’s coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t break up with Joel for him flashed through my mind.

He had no idea that I was breaking down because I couldn’t stop picturing my sweet Jake. I couldn’t win. I was going to hurt someone and that alone was going to wreck me. I didn’t know how much more damage my heart could take before it stopped for good.

I never understood people who committed suicide and why they would want to end their lives. But, at that moment in my life, I got it. I would never kill myself, but I understood the feelings of confusion, hurt, anger, and sheer panic that could push some people over the edge.

I heard Jake’s voice close to my face before I got to my bedroom and slammed the door. That’s when I realized he was probably still sleeping when I called. But, oh, his sleepy voice, how I missed that sleepy voice in my ear every morning. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t.

“Gracie, are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Anyone on the outside would view this conundrum and think I had been an idiot to be confused over who I wanted to be with. Jake looked like the obvious choice. But that was something that I’d learned over the last year. Noah would beat me down but then come back to rescue me from the pain he’d caused only to beat me down again. It was a vicious circle. But when someone consistently knocks you down only to switch gears and be the sudden hero who also picks you up, you start to believe that you are worthless and weak because you couldn’t do it without someone else’s help. Then, when the thought of leaving that person enters your mind, you become anxious, worried that if he’s not there and he can’t pick you up, soon you will just be too pitiful to save. So you let him lift you one more time.

I looked at the opportunity I had to be with someone who was gentle, caring, genuine, trustworthy and beautiful. I would be safe from emotional trauma with Jake, but I worried I was just too much work for him.

“What did he do, baby girl. Did he hurt you? Gracie, say something!”

“Jake, he opened up and showed me a level of affection I haven’t seen for a very long time. We kissed and I let it go too far. I was doing so well being strong. And then… Oh, Jake.”

There was silence on the line.

“I’m here, Gracie.” I so badly wanted to see his face so I could read what he was feeling at that moment.

“Are you mad?”

“Not at all.”

But you’re disappointed in me.
“What are you thinking?” I squeezed my pillow closer to my chest to prepare for the truth.

“I’m sad that you fell back into your old pattern with Noah. Sad for you…and maybe a little sad for me, too. I’m also sad that you think you don’t deserve more. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I wish you knew your worth. I wish I could protect you from this pain. I wish you knew how truly beautiful you are and how much more you deserve. I think if you could see that, it would be easier to walk away from someone who is sucking the life from your remarkable heart. It would make it easier if you realized you deserved to have the same magnitude of love given to you that you so willingly give away. Gracie, you have a resplendent soul that draws people in. Your vibrancy is addictive. You have so much to offer this world and the people in it, but you can’t do that if you’re living in hell.”

“Jake,” I whispered.

“As I see it, you have a big decision to make. Are you going to settle?”

“I don’t want to, but I am so scared to walk away.”

“I know it’s scary to end something that feels like it’s all you’ve known. Trust me, I just did it.”

They broke up. It was then I realized I hadn’t been there for Jake the way he had been there for me. I was such a mess I never stopped long enough to ask him how Jessica’s visit went. I didn’t look beyond myself long enough to think about the fact that he could be hurting, too. I knew Jake was unsure of how her visit would go. I realized that when I asked him if he was going to tell her about us. But then I heard her over the phone, from his bed. The assumption I made was very possibly the reason I let Noah back in, metaphorically and literally. “I suck. Jake, I am so sorry for not asking you how your weekend with Jessica went.” I winced when I realized it was because I really didn’t want him to recount any intimate moments between them. I couldn’t handle it. “I’ve been selfish in our conversations. All we talk about is me and Noah.”

“Baby girl, I’m a big boy. She left this morning, and I am just fine. Now, are you going to do what’s best for your heart?”

“That’s just it. Every time we have been together over break I have told him we were just friends. Then this happens. He sucks me back in and I’m powerless. Do you think less of me, Jake?”

“No. I think sometimes we need to fall a couple times before we can stand on our own.”

“Help, Jake. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“Tell me what you want, Gracie.”

“Jake, with all of my heart, I want him out of my life. This isn’t healthy. I’m not who I want to be when I’m with him.”

“Then, it’s got to be over. Really over.”

All I could give him was silence.

“Gracie, what are you thinking?”

I think I love you, Jake.

For a minute, I imagined Jake and I as a couple. It was a sweet image. In an instant, I saw us holding hands and walking together in the sunshine. He was smiling as he watched me throw my head back in laughter. A swarm of butterflies went crazy in my stomach. I wanted to be that happy. Just to play devil’s advocate, I imagined staying with Noah. Immediately, I saw myself crying, slumped into the corner of a couch as he stood across the room with his back to me. I never wanted to be that sad again.

“So, I have to do this in person, right? I can’t just call or text him?” I laughed a little, knowing that answer before I asked the question.

“Well, yeah, you are going to have to put on your big girl panties for this one.”

“You’ve seen my panties, Jake. There is nothing big about them.”

I heard his breath catch over the phone, and I worried I took it too far. I was just trying to lighten the conversation to take the pressure off.

“You are already broken up. You just have to let him know that no matter what he does, he cannot win you back. You’re done. For good.”

“I know. But now I realize breaking up was the easy part. In the heat of the moment I wanted it to be over for good, but never once did I consider it really was the last time.”

“Oh.”

Oh God, with one stupid sentence, I had cheapened the beautiful thing that happened between Jake and me. Now he had to be thinking I let everything happen between us knowing Noah and I would get back together. There was nothing cheap or impulsive about my decision to make love with Jake. It was no secret our souls were drawn to each other.

“Jake, what happened between us was…”

“Hey. Don’t change the subject. You need to focus on you and finally ending this relational yo-yo pattern as soon as possible and with as little damage as you can.”

“He asked me to ride back to school with him on Friday. If I have this conversation with him before, the ride will be unbearable. If I do it during our ride,” I paused, “…that’s just not a good idea.” I was stuck. There was no way of getting out of this without one last, final stab from Noah. That one could be the one that unraveled me.