In Too Deep (19 page)

I stared at him and tried to process what seemed to be coming to me in slow motion. Something about this admission was so sexy. I couldn’t believe what he had just said. We were both unattached. Without another moment’s hesitation, I grabbed the back of his head, slid my fingers through his short auburn waves, looked him straight in the eyes and pushed myself to the edge of the windowsill as I wrapped my legs around his torso. We kissed like it was the last kiss we’d ever feel. We were breathless. He reached up and held my face in his hands. He directed my head in the opposite direction of his each time he pulled away and came back in. He was unbelievably adept with his tongue. I didn’t want him to stop. My body ignited with a yearning I assumed was the result of too much beer and a broken heart, but I didn’t care. What he was doing to me was exactly what I needed, and he knew that.

Jake was not someone who played around with a girl’s heart. So the passion in his kiss came completely unexpected. His hands moved down my arms and up my back and down again, stopping just before my hips. My body was hyper aware of every part of his body.

Our kiss slowed and became tender and gentle. His hands moved up to my face in an attempt to keep the pace going. He was firm and intentional. In between light pecks were deep, passionate kisses that felt so much stronger than what I thought was just curiosity for both of us.

“Now, that’s the action we’ve all been looking for! Wow!”

Without even hearing the squeak of the apartment door, we were being observed by Sam and a couple other people. Our kiss came to an abrupt halt, and we tried to compose ourselves. Sam smiled and shook his head. Jake looked up at me, his eyes asking if I had an explanation for them. I didn’t. Simultaneously we both shrugged and laughed from nervous energy. I realized my chest was still heaving with deep cleansing breaths. He had literally taken my breath away. My cheeks burned with heat.

Sam walked back into the apartment and the rest of our audience headed for the elevator. Jake and I remained in a similar state of confusion.

“Two thumbs up, baby! Don’t stop on our account!” one of the drunks yelled as he fell into the elevator.

Jake slowly turned and looked at me, and I waited for a reaction. I was relieved by his expression. There was no mistake—he was as blown away as I was.

Wow.

I fell into my own bed that night completely sober but more confused than I’d ever been.

My head broke the surface of the water, and I breathed the breath that saved my life. The sun was so warm. I could feel it deep in my bones, a warmth that pervaded my every pore. The small breeze was lifting goose bumps to the surface of my wet skin, but it wasn’t making me cold. It reminded me I was still alive. I was above the water. As long as I could keep floating, maybe I would be rescued.

Thirty-One

Contrary to what I feared, the kiss between Jake and I did not adversely affect our relationship at all. Nothing was awkward. We were on a much more intimate level now than the friendship I had with Sam. I felt like we had melted into each other the night of the kiss. We now had a connection that was just ours, it couldn’t be shared with anyone else.

Each time he held me while I cried, the night he respectfully helped me into more clothes before he helped me into his bed, the conversation we had while doing laundry all brought us one step closer to that kiss.

In the days that followed, I couldn’t help the way my body reacted when Jake’s hand brushed over mine, or when he’d press his hand into the small of my back to guide me into the elevator. I wondered if it was simply a
crossing the line
energy because we shared something neither of us had ever expected would happen between us. I kept telling myself it was only a couple weeks until Jessica came home, so this was just what it looked like…
friends with benefits
? No. It was deeper than that, not cheap like that term insinuated.

Jake and I spent even more time together, trying to soak up as much of each other as we could. We stayed up all night and talked when we were supposed to be studying. We kissed every chance we got and our naps were a little more than naps now. Jake was so obviously any girl’s dream. He made my soul sing. I didn’t let myself daydream enough to be upset knowing ultimately, he and Jessica would get back together. It was almost as if I was just happy to have him for however long I could. His love and gentleness were a blessing, even if it had to go back to being a friend-love. I’d take it.

Having Jake taking up part of my heart made my run-ins with Noah more bearable.

Noah’s twenty-first birthday rolled around and I almost forgot. Someone pounded on our door at three in the morning, waking me from sleep. I stumbled from my room and through the living room. At first I was surprised and a little shaken to see Noah standing on the other side of the door when I looked through the peephole. For a split second, I wondered if he wanted to be the first to say, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Then I silently smacked myself for even thinking it.

He fell through the door and draped his arms around my neck. “Noah, geez, you are too heavy to do that.”

“I’m sorry, beautiful.”

“I guess I’ll forgive you.” I ran my fingers through his tousled blond hair. He really was gorgeous. He was funny and cute and very flirty when he was drunk. My heart pulled in his direction and I flirted back. He missed me, I knew he did. He could have gone home with any girl along his Sigma Chi Bar Tour route but he didn’t, he came to me.

That night I realized something had changed in me because I didn’t want him to stay.

“So,IhadlikethirteenshotsandIcanrememberallofthemthatshowgoodIam…” He slurred everything he wanted to say into one big run-on word.

What was I supposed to say?
Good job? Way to go?
I just smiled.

He paused and just stared at me after he stabilized himself on the arm of our couch.

“What?” I was really not a fan of being stared at. It was disconcerting when someone looked you in the eyes, said nothing and just kept staring. I looked away and busied myself picking up papers he knocked off the arm of the couch when he sat.

“You’re pretty.” He said it slowly and with a frown. He lowered his head and turned his attention to the hands that wrung nervously on his lap.

What the hell was this? It was almost like we had traveled back to the night he played “Better Together” for me in his car. My heart softened.

I smiled and thanked him, but my brain was already working overtime, preparing for the possibility of the advance he may make if he could steadily walk to me. Which was doubtful.

“I’m…I’m…never mind.” He got up and tripped his way to the door.

There was a part of me that wasn’t ready for him to go. It had been so long since I had seen this side of him. But there was another part that couldn’t wait to lock the door behind him.

I walked over toward the door. “You, what, Noah?”

He fumbled with the doorknob and looked up at me for help. I moved his hand from the knob and opened the door for him. I motioned for him to walk out into the hallway while I wondered if he was going to answer my question. As drunk as he was, there was a good chance he didn’t even remember I asked a question.

“You were right. I am an idiot. Night.”

But he stood there, and I saw the hope in his eyes that I would reach out and hug him or ask him not to go. I may not have fought either of those scenarios if he had made the move first, but he was, in a way, letting this be my move.

“Sometimes you are an idiot, Noah. And right now, you’re really drunk. Go sleep it off.” I smiled and he tried to return a smile as he turned to walk to the elevator. I watched him step in and lean his head against the cold silver wall then I closed my door and locked it. I should have known his birthday would always trump an excuse to celebrate the most romantic day of the year.

There was something so empowering about turning the deadbolt. I was in control of keeping him out. And I was oddly okay with him leaving. I stood by the door for a few minutes and digested what had just happened. He came to see me, let me know he realized how badly he screwed up, and willingly gave me the decision-making power in whether he stayed or left. I let him go. Jake would be so proud of me.

Jake.

My heart was buzzing. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me emotionally, but I did know I didn’t feel completely out of control when Noah walked away. It was almost like taking that step with Jake had reminded me of how I was in control of my own destiny. Or maybe I was just high on the power trip of locking the door behind Noah. I imagined him walking home, pulling off his clothes, and climbing into bed. Alone. I did miss him. A small part of my heart wanted to climb into that bed with him.

Instead, I quietly went into our room, grabbed my journal and my big blanket and took up residence on the couch. It had been so long since I used my journal to sort out my thoughts. After the last two years, it ended up just being a very depressing account of all the things Noah did that sliced my heart a little deeper. But I felt like I was on an upswing. Maybe this journal was not doomed to a sad ending. Maybe it would chronicle a girl who rebuilt her spirit by learning to stand on her own two feet. I skipped three pages and started to write what was on my heart at that moment. By the light of the TV, I tried to write down what my heart was whispering.

Mid-February, Junior Year ~ If I could have one super power for the next 30 minutes I would plead for the ability to see into the future. I have no idea what I am doing. Jake and I have gotten way more intimate, kissing and touching on a level I never thought we would reach. Physically, we have moved beyond “friends,” but I have no idea what my heart is doing. I have feelings for him that are truly indescribable. I guess this confusion could simply be because I have never blurred the line between friend and lover. I’ve only had one lover. Things haven’t gone that far with Jake, but when we are in the heat of the moment, there are parts of my body that are calling out to him, parts that friends don’t touch. He doesn’t know that, of course. But he doesn’t push, not even a little. That makes me feel so safe and that feels so good.

Then there was tonight when Noah stopped by drunk. I felt strong. But if I was completely honest, there was a small part of me that was sad when he walked out the door. He’s still my addiction.

“Hi, my name is Gracie, and I’m an idiot addict.”

Jessica will be back over Spring Break, and Noah and I will be in McKenzie, not seeing each other. Will my heart be able to take seeing Jake and Jessica together? Did I just dig my hole a little deeper?

Just in case anyone cares, I am waving the white flag. I surrender. I’m exhausted.

Thirty-Two

I sat in a beanbag on the floor with my notebook open in my lap. I watched Jake at the table as he studied and I studied him. His strong jawline, his intense blue eyes, and long eyelashes brought comfort to me, and I struggled to know why all of a sudden there was this charge between us. It was intense. I wasn’t sure how we were formerly oblivious to something so remarkable. It reminded me of that feeling when someone’s touch was so new and your body hummed when they reached out for you. But those touches weren’t firsts for Jake and me. We had been friends for years. We had hugged and cuddled, held hands, and shared lip-to-lip pecks, so this new energy that ran through me when I caught him looking at me or when his hand brushed over my leg was virtually unexplainable. It was unexplainable, but I liked it.

My eyes drifted to his strong hands. I thought about what it felt like when they touched me. They were always warm. Staring at his fingers made me think of places on my body I wished they had been. Instantaneously, my ears got hot and my stomach rolled nervously.

“Hello…anybody in there?”

“What?” The volume of my response mirrored the level of embarrassment I felt. Thank the Lord Jake did not have mind-reading super powers.

He flinched at my volume, then smirked. “I won’t even ask.”

“Thanks.”

“I was asking you if you wanted to go grab something to eat, I’m starving.” He was still grinning.

I looked at the clock. “It’s three a.m. Don’t you want to sleep? Am I making you feel like you need to stay up because I’m still working?”

“Not at all. Who needs sleep? We are young, we can sleep when we’re dead.”

“I’m in, let’s go.” I was up on my feet in no time.

The night was cool, so I held my arms close to me as we shuffled down the sidewalk toward the all-night pizza place.

“Hey. You’re freezing. Here.” We stopped and Jake took off his sweatshirt—at regular speed, but I saw it in slow motion. His tight stomach muscles flexed when his t-shirt lifted. It was all I could do to not reach out and touch each groove of his six-pack abs.

I grabbed the bottom of his shirt. “Let’s keep your clothes on, hot stuff, you’re gonna cause an accident.”

“You’re a freak.” He chuckled and threw his sweatshirt at my head. It smelled like him. There was a clenching in the pit of my stomach that could only be one thing, but I wrote it off as a really big shiver. My word, what the hell was going on with me?

We gorged ourselves on pizza then slowly walked back home. We held hands and our arms swung like we were little kids on the playground. It had only been a week since our kiss, but it seemed like much longer; that could be because we used our nights during the week when everyone was asleep as an excuse not to sleep and spend every waking minute together. We would climb into bed just before the sun came up and sleep a couple hours, go to class, come home, and start our sweet pattern all over again. It was like we had shoved a whole month of extra hours into the last couple weeks before break.

The apartment was warm, and after our chilly walk, the need for sleep hung low over our heads.

“Are you almost done?” I asked through a yawn.

“Do you want me to be almost done?” He caught my yawn.

“No, I mean, if you want to be. Or I could just go down to my place to sleep. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore. And I have to make it to my psychology exam tomorrow.”

“No, don’t go!” His eyes begged me almost as loudly as his voice did. “Just go climb in my bed. I’ll be there in a little bit.”

“Promise?”

“Yup.”

I smiled and reluctantly removed myself from the warm confines of the overstuffed beanbag next to the table where he sat. His papers and books were spread out like a fan as he hurried to finish his own studying.

I stopped at the table and kissed the top of his head. His hand reached out and wrapped around the space between my knee and the pockets of my sweatpants. He squeezed. My whole body jolted. I quickly headed toward the bedroom and climbed into bed still in his huge sweatshirt, trying to keep my mind from imagining what it would be like for him to touch me in a way he hadn’t yet. But it was so hard because I now knew what it felt like for his lips to go to unmarked territory. I stripped from the waist up and let Jake’s big sweatshirt glide back down over me. There was something so sensual about being bare underneath something that smelled like him.

Just a couple nights before, after Sam went to bed, Jake and I had a couple beers after we called it quits on the studying. Our kissing turned into full on almost-drunk making out. Before I knew it, we were lying next to each other on the couch. A flash of my mom reminding me what happens when you “lay” somewhere with a boy bolted through my mind. While he kissed my neck, his hands fumbled with the buttons on my shirt. He looked up at me as my shirt fell open and asked permission with his eyes to go beyond. I closed my eyes and heaved my breasts toward him. He let out a sigh that may have had a bit of a soft growl to it, but the blood pounded so hard in my ears I couldn’t be sure.

When he took me into his mouth, we were floating. There was a sensual connection between Jake and I that surpassed anything I had known before. Joel and I were young and had no idea what we were doing, and Noah always just did what he wanted. But with Jake, even when I was on the receiving end, I felt like an active part of whatever we were doing. And on the couch that night, he made me feel as though my soft moans and quaking body were giving to him what his tongue was giving to me. That was new for me and it was beautiful.

I sat up and fluffed the pillow. My pillow. In Jake’s bed. I had to shake the hot thoughts from my head or I would never get to sleep. Poor Jake studied at the table, and I was lying in his bed trying to rein in my hormones so I could get at least a couple hours of rest before throwing myself into the academic part of my life that had taken a very, very backseat this semester.

The bed jostled a bit and startled me. It was too dark to see anything, but as soon as his arms swallowed me whole and he pressed the front of his body against the back of mine, I knew it was him. I could feel his spirit, truly feel what a good man he was and how there was nothing hidden between us. We were almost as close as two people could get. Almost.