In Too Deep (18 page)

“Do you trust me?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“You guess? You asked me to spend the night with you, sweet little virgin girl, and you
guess
you trust me?”

“Okay.” I looked down at my body as though I was looking for something. “Yeah, look at that, I’m still a virgin, so, yeah, I trust you.”

He chuckled and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “Could we get undressed and get under the covers?”

Panic shot through my bones. I am sure he saw it on my face, if not felt the jolt of the bed when I reacted.

“I’m not going to pressure you. No sex. I just want to be closer to you.”

“I don’t want to get completely undressed,” I said without hesitation. I knew what it would feel like—well, I imagined what it would feel like to have that kind of sexual charge between us
and
be naked, too. That would be too much for both of us.

“All right. That’s fair. How about just T-shirt and panties?”

Wow. That sounded so daring. So sultry. Something I had only done once before. Joel and I got a hotel room after my senior prom. He thought maybe we would have sex, but I had no intention of that happening. He got me down to my bra and underwear when I freaked. I am sure he took the coldest shower in history after he got home that night.

“Okay, but you can’t look.”

“Whatever.” He smiled, but sort of rolled his eyes. He thought I was a dork.
Ugh.
I am a dork.

He turned to face the opposite wall, and I whirled my legs off the side of the bed. I was shaking. There was an ache stronger than anything I had ever felt throbbing between my legs. I wondered if that feeling was the girl equivalent to a boner. At that moment, I was glad I was a girl—I didn’t need him knowing how turned on I was. I wondered if he was having that same throbbing. I got a clear visual in my mind of what that would look like on Noah. Wow. That wasn’t a very “good girl” thought to have, it was risqué and naughty. And it made the throbbing worse. I felt as if I could explode. I just wished I could release the tension and then I wouldn’t have to worry about things going too far.

We both slid back under the covers and turned back onto our sides so we were facing one another again. He was shirtless. I gaped. Heat radiated off of his chest and I just wanted to touch him. So, I did. His chest was soft and warm. He reached under the covers for the bottom of my shirt, and he lifted it just as I gasped and my hand shot down to stop him.

“Please trust me. I just want to feel the parts of you I can’t stop thinking about.”

I swallowed the last ounce of moisture in my mouth and slowly let go of his wrist. That was the sexiest thing anyone had ever said to me. I could have melted. His fingers gently walked under my shirt and to my stomach. He had to be able to feel me shaking. Every square inch of me felt rattled. And that ache—I didn’t know what to do with that ache. The deep pulsating sensation was more than a little overwhelming. Joel was more into the hand jobs I gave him than he was into helping a girl out with her own frustration. Not that I would have let him. By the time Joel finished, I was so panicked my parents were going to catch us that my ache was long gone. It had never built up to anywhere near the intensity I was feeling and Noah’s hand had only reached my stomach.

Noah began to kiss me so gently. I could barely feel his lips as they brushed across mine. I peeked and his eyes were closed. There was such a peaceful look on his face. This was the boy I was petrified to work with? The womanizer, the brawler, the drunk? And he was in my bed? Touching me? This was so hot.

As our kiss deepened, and his hand slowly slid up my body and he cupped my right breast, this time my bra wasn’t between me and his hand.
I should make him stop. This is going too far.
But I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have his hands all over me. Where was that “good girl” now? Was she sleeping? Her alter ego was wide awake and taking in every sensation he was creating with her nipple between his fingers. He had done this before, there was no doubt in my mind. But right then, I didn’t care. It felt so good to be touched by him. So good.

As our breathing increased and became audible, I reached low for him. I only touched him through his boxers, but he obviously felt the same things I did. He groaned a bit as I rubbed him through the thin layer of fabric.

He stopped kissing me for a second and he pulled back and looked into my eyes. His gaze had changed. It was no longer sweet and gentle, it was hot and needy. Oh, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I knew what he wanted, and although I was on the verge of something explosive, I couldn’t give it all up. I wasn’t ready.

He blinked once and as his lips grabbed mine. His hand swiftly moved from my breast, down my shivering stomach and into the front of my panties. The way he claimed that part of my body threatened to shatter me into pieces. He found that one spot in a way that told me, I’d never have enough will power to make him stop.

Heat started at my feet and bloomed up my body. Goose bumps rose to the surface everywhere. I realized I was starting to moan. I stopped.
Good girls don’t moan.
I had to break my lips away from his so I could get enough air into my lungs. My head began to spin. I was screaming on the inside. The intensity of what he was doing to me below the sheets was astounding. I pulled him close so he couldn’t see my face because I didn’t know what it was doing. My eyes were pressed shut, my mouth open and gasping quietly for breath. There was a build-up coming. Something started within the bones of my pelvis that was so far beyond an “ache.” I couldn’t think. I couldn’t control my body, although I kept it perfectly still out of sheer shock of the sensations it was absorbing. A few more strokes and I inadvertently pulled my hips away from him out of fear. I don’t know why. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen. I had never had a boy bring me that far. Never.

He looked concerned. “Are you okay?”

My chest heaved and my breath billowed from my mouth. “Yeah.”

“What’s wr—”

I slid my left hand under his head and pulled his mouth to mine. I broke our lips apart for a second and in a small shaky, breathy voice, uttered, “Don’t stop.”

I pressed my hips back to where his hand waited. His fingers slid down again. I couldn’t stop him now. Not even if I wanted to. If I didn’t release this tension, I would surely go mad. I tried so hard not to make a sound, not to move too suggestively. I wanted this, but I didn’t want to be too eager. I still wanted to be a “good girl.”

My body was way ahead of my brain, and even if I would have stopped his hand again, my brain was not driving this force that was coming over me in waves. There was a rhythm to the sensation, a strength that rolled my eyes  back. They squeezed shut so tightly that I saw flashes of color. I broke away from his mouth with a gasp and a whimper. I pushed my chest into his and put my head over his shoulder. He applied just a little more pressure and I exploded. My grip increased around his neck and my breasts flattened against his sweat-beaded chest. I couldn’t stop. I made a couple sounds I didn’t recognize, held my breath, and forced my body to stay still on the outside. But inside I writhed, screamed, absorbed the waves of pleasure that were so new and so completely fantastic. Noah had given me something that I had no words for.

My breathing slowed. I gasped a couple times then my body went limp. I didn’t want to stop hugging him. I was embarrassed. He had been in complete control and I had lost control of everything. I gave myself over to him and gave my control away.

He slowly dragged his hand up my stomach and across to the small of my back. He pulled his head back trying to look at me. I didn’t want him to see me. I wanted to dissolve into the mattress. I didn’t know what to do now. I hoped he didn’t want me to reciprocate in some way. I had no idea how to match the level of intensity he had just created.

“Hey.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and lifted my chin. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“Hurt me?” I giggled and a huge exhale escaped my lungs. “No, you definitely didn’t hurt me.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I am just a little embarrassed. Kind of shy about this stuff.”

“But, you’ve done that before,” he said it almost like a statement and a question at the same time.

I shook my head and tucked my face into his neck under his chin.

“What?” He tried to push me back so he could see my face, but I held on tight and just kept shaking my head while pressing my embarrassed grin into his neck.

“Wow. Joel is more of a dork than I thought.”

I stilled. My smile faded. That was a low blow. If I was going to stick up for Joel, I would need to look at him. Yeah, I wasn’t ready to look at him. We soon drifted off to sleep disheveled and wrapped up in each other.

I stood in Jake and Sam’s bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. I now knew that feeling all too well. The high of sharing something so intimate with Noah and then the kick to the gut soon after. Sometimes that kick came as a post-sex excuse as to why I couldn’t stay over, sometimes it was a hurtful jab that he thought was funny but left a bruise on my heart. I could make a list. But as it was happening, it was hard for me to believe he was trying to be mean. I sat back down, unable to look myself in the face any longer. There was no doubt my “good girl” status had to be retired. So, what did that make me? I had given that innocence to Noah, and he took it and crushed me with that fact. I decided at that moment I would be a born-again virgin. I made the mistake of giving in too soon. But not again. This shop was closed.

The knock at the door made me lift my head so quickly, I lost my balance and slid from the toilet to the floor. Although graceful, I was still embarrassed by my apparent drunkenness. I washed my hands, even though I hadn’t done anything in there but think. But I didn’t want the person knocking to think I was one of those people who didn’t take personal hygiene seriously. I shook my head at myself as I opened the door, realizing I was still being a stupid good girl, worrying what everyone thought of her. This was going to be a hard habit to break.

I went right to the make-shift dance floor and made a Gracie sandwich between my two favorite slices of bread. Jake and Sam giggled and kept dancing. God, I loved these guys.

Thirty

We drank and drank that night. It was like we were worried there would soon be a shortage of beer and we had to suck it all down while we had the chance. Jake and I walked out into the hall to get away from the melting heat in the apartment. A window sat at the end of the hall, so we headed that way to open it and let some cool air in. Jake held my hand as we walked. Such a sweet guy.

He reached into the deep windowsill and pulled the window back, exposing the screen. The early morning chill that had settled into the seal whined as he moved it even further. I leaned and pressed my back against the wall to give my legs a break. They were burning from the show me and my sandwich bread guys had just performed.

“Here. Sit. Give your legs a break.” Jake grabbed my hips and slid me in front of the open window then hoisted me up onto the deep sill. It was just wide enough for one person. Part of me felt badly that I couldn’t offer him the same rest. He leaned against the wall next to me and just looked at me.

“What?”

“I’m just hoping you are really done with Noah this time. You deserve so much better than that.”

“I know everyone thinks that, Jake, but not everyone has seen the side of him that I have. Not everyone knows what’s really inside him.”

“Gracie, there are things about Noah that I know, too. Things you don’t. I am pretty certain those things would cancel out any sweetness you see in him, but it’s not my place to share them. I won’t. This has to be something you do. I just want you to know I am here to pick up the pieces no matter what. I promise.”

“I know, Jake. I am not sure how I could ever repay you for all the support you have given me these last couple years.” My eyes filled with tears. It’s always easier to cry when you’re drunk, but I knew that wasn’t why I was crying. My soul was exhausted and craved the gentleness Jake was giving me. I cried because I didn’t feel I deserved that from anyone.

“See. You don’t even know your worth, do you?”

I wiped at my eyes, trying not to destroy what was left of my make-up, and tilted my head, assuring him I didn’t really understand what he was asking.

“The fact that you think you owe me. My friendship and love come unconditionally. You are worth that. Please don’t ever feel you need to reciprocate.”

I was in awe of the friend I had before me. His sparkling blue eyes, which sparkled a little more with each beer, looked into my soul and lifted me up to a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I could almost see myself differently in those few seconds of enlightenment. In my mind, when Jake spoke like this, I was strong and capable. I was a girl who could—no—who
would
walk away from Noah and never look back. Too bad my physiology disagreed. Even the thought of that made my chest get tight.

We were both startled by the apartment door squeaking open.

“Would the two of you just do it already? The suspense is killing everyone!”

One of Sam’s friends that partied with us often was leaving the party. He looked back over his shoulder and gave Jake a thumbs up then threw his arm around his girlfriend’s shoulders. They stumbled down the hall to the elevator.

“Why does everyone insist we are going to hook up?” I was so annoyed that people felt they had the right to assume and predict things about my life. Especially that guy. I didn’t even know his last name.

“It’s just because we are together all the time. They don’t understand how we could spend so much time together and not hook up.” He smiled and stood between my knees with his hands on my thighs. I looked down at his strong hands and without warning saw them exploring my body.
What the—? Jessica.

“I know this will come out the wrong way, but I’m really glad Jessica is gone. I know that’s selfish, but you have been such an amazing friend. Thank you, Jake.”

“Please stop thanking me. I actually enjoy being with you. It’s not like spending time with you is torture…well, not
that
much torture.”

He ducked as I swung to smack him in the forehead. We laughed hard. It felt so good to laugh. Laughing truly was the exact opposite of crying. Crying sucked the life out of me, but laughing filled me up, sometimes so high it felt like I could float. This was one of those times.

I hugged Jake around his head and pulled him into me and laughed a little more. Just as I released my hold on him, I got him good. Smack—right in the forehead.

He bent over like he was seriously injured, then looked up at me out of the corner of his eye. When he saw I was giving him no sympathy, he stood back up and took his place between my knees. My body had cooled off to the point of almost being cold. I touched his strong arms just under the sleeve of his T-shirt to see if he was still hot. When I grabbed his arms, I felt him flex. It was kind of cute he was trying to impress me. Like he needed to do that. I turned to close the window when I shivered. When I turned back, the look on his face had changed. His expression looked so serene and happy, but there was something else that I couldn’t decipher. He squeezed my thighs with his hands.

“Kiss me.”

My breath hitched. And I no longer questioned his expression.

“Jake.”

“Kiss me.” His face was kind and sweet, but there was a need deep in his eyes that was new to me. And that need, framed by his strong cheek bones and jaw and coupled with the stubbled goatee, made me squirm.

“Jake, no. Are you crazy?”

“I just really want to kiss you right now.”

“Okay, pretending there aren’t 150 people who could potentially walk out here and see us and then kick up the teasing another notch, I couldn’t kiss you anyway.”

“Noah?”

“No. God, no. I am so pissed at him, I couldn’t care less.”

“Then why?”

“Jessica.”

“What about Jessica?”

Before I realized it, my breathing had become shallow. A sudden swarm of butterflies filled my stomach. I shook my head. It must be the beer. I had never considered anything like this with Jake or Sam. Pictured it? Sure. But considered it really happening? Never. I’d kissed them both on the lips probably a thousand times and there was never anything but friendship in them—for all of us.

“I could never do that to another girl. Help her boyfriend cheat.”

“Just one kiss.”

Wow. Who knew someone could switch gears like this inside of five minutes. I struggled with what I was feeling. After everything with Noah and how close Jake and I had gotten through it all, a tender kiss would be so comforting. The contact high I was getting from the look on his face made me think maybe I wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss me.
What the hell? Someone slow this bus the fuck down.

But there was no sense struggling with whether to kiss him or not. I wouldn’t bring the kind of pain to Jessica that Steph, Madison, and Ivy handed me.

“Jake.” Tears streamed down my face. I wanted what he was offering so badly. “I can’t do the same thing to Jessica that was done to me.”

“What if I told you it wouldn’t be cheating?” He wiped away a tear from my face.

“How would it not be cheating?” Part of me was hoping he really had a good reason so I could stop the slide show in my mind of what his kiss could be like. But another part of me couldn’t imagine what the reason would be so I knew it wasn’t going to happen. We would be crossing a line.

“Jessica told me she wanted us to see other people while she was away. We aren’t exclusive right now. Haven’t been all semester.”