In Too Deep (14 page)

Noah turned and quickly ran away, trying to shove as much of the basket under his oversized sweatshirt as he could. I didn’t have time to say anything. I just watched as he ran in and out of the portions of the sidewalk illuminated by street lights. I watched until I could see him no more. I stood in the rain for I don’t know how long, hoping it would wash away all the pain he had caused me. I closed my eyes and leaned against the cold bricks of the building. If you truly forgive someone, does that mean the things they did to you shouldn’t hurt anymore? If that was the case, I was lying to Noah and myself by saying I forgave him.

As the rain from the wall soaked into the back of my sweater, the tears dripping off my lowered chin soaked the flowered scarf Noah bought me last summer right before he came back to campus to finish pledging. I lifted it to my face, it smelled like him. I took it off and tucked it under my shirt so the rain didn’t wash away that part of Noah or the memory of that night. Sometimes I saw glimpses of our relationship like the scent of the scarf. Its existence wasn’t a given, it would only survive if I protected it.

I thought what I felt the night he gave me the ring would stay with me and give me strength for this next chapter of our relationship. But, at that moment, I felt so in over my head with emotions. I was rattled. I was elated and terrified all at the same time. I felt solely responsible for keeping our love alive but I really wasn’t sure how to do that. I was treading water, just hoping to stay afloat.

Twenty-Four

Becki was one of those friends that would hear you out, say nothing while you cried and complained, never offering any advice. She was just there to listen. She and I talked a lot. She still lived in the dorm we moved into when we transferred which was only a couple blocks from Sigma Chi. It came in handy because if I left Sigma Chi, I could get to her dorm quicker than I could get to my own apartment. I could rehash everything, gather myself, and go home and no one had to know anything had happened. Especially Stacy. She couldn’t tolerate one more of Noah’s fuck ups.

Becki’s boyfriend wasn’t much of a partier so she and I rarely got to hang out and drink together. So, the weekend Shawn was in Philadelphia for a job interview, she came out to Sigma Chi with me. We were excited to just have a chance to drink and have a good time together.

For much of the night, we danced, goofed around and hung out with some of the brothers that usually didn’t give me the time of day. Becki had that effect on guys. She was an artist, and most guys found her obvious sensuality quite intriguing.

“Things seem good between you and Noah.” Becki leaned forward so I could hear her over the music blaring across the dance floor.

“Really good actually. I almost feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting for something to come out of nowhere and knock the wind out of me.”

“Beers for my pretty ladies,” Noah bounded up to us spilling beer out of the cups as he got closer. He handed a cup to each of us and then was called away by one of the pledges trying to break up a fight. He stole a quick kiss and ran off to do the opposite of what most people expected him to do.

“So, you really think he’s going to fuck it all up again?”

“I don’t know. I feel so guilty for even saying that. But I was naïve before and look where it got me. To some extent, shouldn’t we always be conscious of the things that threaten our relationships?”

“Conscious, yes. Waiting for it to happen? That’s messed up, Gracie.”

“God, Becki, I don’t know how to forget all that’s happened. I wish I could just wipe it clean and start over. I feel like we will never get back to where we were.”

“You may not. This may be when you decide if you’re going to sacrifice what you deserve for something you settle for. Ya know?”

“You sound like Jake. That’s almost exactly what he said right before Christmas break.”

“And what did you say when he said that?”

“I didn’t say anything, I cried into his pillow.”

“Whoa. You were in bed with Jake? How did I miss that?”

“It wasn’t like that. I needed to talk and it was two in the morning. I climbed in bed, cried and stayed the night.”

“Does Noah know?”

I shook my head. I knew Jake and I may have crossed the line. How would I feel if Noah did the same thing with a girl? But what Jake and I had wasn’t sexual, it was honest and easy.

“It’s loud. Let’s go upstairs. I want to show you Noah’s new room.”

“Whoa, he’s got digs upstairs. Awesome.”

“Yeah. It’s a lot bigger and we get to go up the big windy stairs to get to it.”

“Well, let’s go!” We giggled. The huge staircase was the centerpiece of the house but during parties the upstairs was off limits.

Becki and I slammed a beer and headed up to Noah’s room. He didn’t lock his room during parties because not just anyone was allowed upstairs.

“Hey Pete!”

“Hey, girl! Havin’ fun?”

“You bet!”

“Dude, why are you sitting here?” Becki never held back when something didn’t seem right.

“Pledges sit on the landing making sure no one comes up who isn’t supposed to. I’m Pete, the man on duty tonight.”

“Well, rock on, Pete!”

Noah talked about Pete like he was an idiot. I had overheard some of the hazing Pete had to endure because he was a little more sensitive than the other pledges. I still didn’t get the hazing thing. Maybe the hazing and the fact that the Sigma Chi house held some secrets that could get people in trouble was why I found it eerily intriguing.

Becki and I got to Noah’s room. We could hear music coming from inside. My stomach lurched. Fear immediately gripped me that there might be a girl in there with him. Becki picked up on my alarm. “Right there’s the keyhole. Take a peek if you’re so worried.”

Becki would never have taken any of Noah’s shit. She would have kicked him to the curb the night he admitted to cheating, and she never would have looked back. Sometimes I wished I could see where I would be if I had done just that. But, I didn’t like to think about being without Noah, it made me nauseous. It made me panic.

The fraternity house was ancient, so the keyholes were just that. Key holes. I bent down and looked in, but held my breath. I summoned strength from Becki. I saw Noah right away. He sat on his couch just staring at his hanging tapestry while Jane’s Addiction threatened to shake the plaster off the old stone walls. He had a dazed drunk look on his face, and I started to laugh. He turned and I darted away from the hole.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“Wait a second and then look. It’s like he’s waiting for a show to play out on that wall hanging.”

Becki and I both bent down at the door and took turns peeking in and giggling quietly. We tried to decide if we should knock or scare the piss out of him by barging in.

It was the most fun I’d had at the house in a very long time. I started to associate this place with all the bad things that I tucked away in the back of my mind. All the uncomfortable things—the secrets, the misconceptions, the humiliation. It was hard to find innocent fun here. It scared me but I was determined to beat the odds. And at that moment, we were doing just that, having some innocent fun.

I lost my balance and toppled backward and landed on someone’s shoe. Becki laughed and we both stood and tried to place who the two obviously annoyed girls were.

“Um. Excuse me.” She motioned toward the door, whipped her hair off her shoulders, and rolled her eyes at her friend. I was not thrilled with her tone, especially since I didn’t have the balls to get nasty with her, so I just turned on a smile and decided to be helpful. Becki was just waiting for a long enough silence so she could flatten the bitch.

“Sorry. Whose room are you looking for? I can tell you where it is.” I smiled sweetly.

And then I can kick you down the stairs
.

“This one.” She pointed to Noah’s door and cracked her gum.

Fuck you.

“Well, this is my boyfriend’s room, but I know all the brothers so I would be happy to help you find whoever you—”

With that, the door flew open and Noah stood in front of me with fire in his eyes. His lips twisted as though they were holding back a flood of obscenities. He motioned for the girls to come in without taking his eyes off me and shut the door in my face.

I was stunned. I twisted my grace/trust ring around my finger as I tried to decipher what had just happened. I had pretty much let the Lily thing slide, giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the way he humiliated me in front of those two girls was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d had enough and I wasn’t leaving until I told him to go fuck himself!

I’m not giving in this time
.

He was going to have to realize he couldn’t be so selfish. He couldn’t have the best of both worlds. He needed to understand my feelings mattered. He needed to treat me with respect. The hurt and disappointment I felt was valid, whether he thought I was overreacting or not. My feelings were valid. And “I’m sorry” wasn’t a tool to simply wash the slate clean just so he could dirty it up again.

I waited at the top of the stairs and tried not to let Pete know I was crying. I told Becki she didn’t have to stay with me because the less he felt ganged up on, maybe the better he would listen to me. I tried to collect myself before I banged heads with him.

I heard his door shut so I wiped my face and turned to cut him off. I rounded the corner and almost ran into the two girls. They veered around either side of me which left me toe to toe with Noah who had been following them pretty closely. I teetered a bit. The combination of adrenaline and alcohol was getting to me. I glared up at him and stood my ground. He glanced up at the girls, who must’ve stopped after they passed me, and nodded for them to go ahead.

“What’s your deal?” He ran his hands through his hair. Instantly, I was wondering why. Was he trying to cover up something by fixing his hair? What had they been doing in there for the last fifteen minutes? It couldn’t be healthy to be so twisted up inside as to whether the person you loved was faithful or not. I twisted my grace/trust ring again.

“Not here.” I pushed him backwards and pointed to his door. I was completely riding on the drunkenness but it was giving me the balls I needed to be firm with Noah.

We walked in and he threw himself down on the couch with his arms crossed. He slammed his feet up on the coffee table one at a time, crossed at his ankles.

“So, talk. What have I done now to piss you off?”

Was I really that much of a nag that all I did was remind him of what a shithead he was? Was I over reacting? I didn’t know what to think anymore. “Noah, you are acting like letting two girls into your room and slamming the door in my face isn’t a dick move. In what reality is that not supremely rude?”

“I heard you.”

“Heard me what?”

“I heard you get all bitchy with them, ‘this is
my
boyfriend’s room…’ and I didn’t think it was fair to them that you were being like that. The way guests are treated at this house reflects on Sigma Chi. I’m protecting the brotherhood.”

“What about the way girlfriends are treated?”

He stayed silent.

This hurt. First of all, I had swallowed every ounce of rip-your-eyes-out aggression, put on a sweet face and took on, what I thought was, a helpful tone for the sheer purpose of
not
coming across as a bitch. It was really important to me what people thought of me. Maybe too important. Maybe that was part of my problem. How could he twist the scenario around on me and make me second guess my own tone? I was going crazy. There was no doubt about it. I was losing myself.

Secondly, he chose to stick up for them and “the brotherhood,” which made me look like the idiot. He was protecting them from his bitchy girlfriend instead of putting me first.

“Noah! I was not bitchy at all! I was trying to be helpful. How should I know that girls are roaming the house looking for my boyfriend? I truly thought they were just in the wrong wing of the house at the wrong room.”

“Sure you did.” He stood up and walked toward me. “Are we done?”

I swallowed the knot in my throat, stifled a sob, and said, “You need to sober the hell up. Call me when you realize what an asshole you just were.”

I turned and walked out, even slammed the door for effect. The last image of him in my mind was a forlorn panicked look. I wasn’t expecting that reaction from him at all. And I am sure the look on his face was because he was not expecting mine. I was going to have to keep these balls to deal with this side of our relationship.

I wasn’t to the front door before all the emotions from the night poured out of my face. I held my face in my hands and ran to the sidewalk, hoping no one saw me. I ran the whole way home. There was a small part of me that hoped I would die from a collapsed lung. I was so not an athlete. That would show him, wouldn’t it? He would have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. I couldn’t seem to make him feel guilty about anything else, maybe if I died while running from him he would.

I knocked on Jake’s door. Nothing. I assumed he and Sam were out sans ladies. I could text him, but I knew he needed some guy-time. I slid down the wall next to their door and sobbed. My lungs hurt from running the whole way home, and my heart hurt from the pommeling it just took in Noah’s room. The hallway started to spin. I reached for the floor to hold on.

“Gracie?” Jake was out the door and on his knees in front of me in less than a second.

“Jake.” It’s all I could muster. I didn’t even have the words for how confused and hurt I was.

“Come here, baby girl.” He helped me up and took me by the hand. I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was going. He slipped his arm around my shoulders to guide me back to his room.

“Sit down, Gracie. Let me take off your boots.” I couldn’t see his face because my face was covered with my hands, but his voice was so soft and gentle. His room was warm and there was soft music playing from his iPod. He stood and lifted my sweater over my head which left me in a jean skirt and an old Ramones concert tank.

“I’m going to go get you some water. Get under the covers, I’ll be right back.”

I slid out of my skirt and threw myself between his sheets. My inhibitions were gone after all I had to drink so the fact that I was in Jake’s bed in next to nothing wasn’t even an issue for me.

“Sit up. Have some water so you’re not hung over in the morning.”

“Thanks.”

“Whoa. Gracie.” He pointed down at my bare legs that stuck out below my shirt when I struggled to sit up. “Let me get you something.” He turned and rifled through some folded laundry and handed me a pair of sweats.

“I can’t.” I tried kicking my legs out from under the sheets and I just got more tangled.

Jake carefully took me by the ankles and slid me to the edge of the bed. He put my feet through the leg holes and stood me up. When he pulled the sweats up to my waist he kissed me on the forehead. “Gracie-girl, what am I going to do with you?”

“You’re a good friend, Jake.” I fell back, patted the bed next to me and he climbed in without hesitation. I crawled as close to him as I could get. His strong arms were around me in no time, my face was buried in his neck and his chin rested on the top of my head.

“Get some sleep, beautiful. No one’s going to hurt you tonight.”