In Too Deep (15 page)

Twenty-Five

Three days later, Noah still hadn’t called, so after dinner when Stacy left for Greg’s, I caved. I left a message that we needed to talk. Within ten minutes, he called me back. He said he was busy helping the pledges with something, but I could come up in twenty minutes if I wanted to.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I just wanted to talk on the phone.”

“Come on. I don’t bite. I’d like to see you anyway.”

What? For the three days I heard nothing. Now he acted like he missed me. My heart fluttered, but I kept my wits about me and tried to squelch my hopes of walking into his room to a bevy of lit candles and soft music and a very sorry, very turned around Noah.

Actually, I didn’t even know if I would like that at this point.

I was proud of myself for leaving the way I did Saturday night. So, I thought I could give in to his request to go to the house because I was still a couple points ahead…if we were keeping score…which I assumed gave me the upper hand. I was really only concerned with my own score because little by little, I was growing some balls and standing up for myself, and we all knew if a score was in place, he would be in negative digits. Although, I wasn’t convinced he thought so.

When I walked into the house, Pete was carrying a tray of dirty dishes through the lobby. He slowed down and his lips parted like he was going to ask me something, but then his eyes apologized as he tipped his head in what looked like pity and headed to the kitchen. That’s when I realized he would never make it to Hell Week. He was too soft for this house. I shook the thought from my mind and took the stairs to Noah’s room.

As always, music was pumping through the thick wooden door. I stood in the hall and slowed my breathing, but my body started to shake as it filled with fear, with dread of the conversation I had to have with him. I needed to, in no uncertain terms, let him know that I was better than the way he treated me at this house. I had no interest in dating Jekyll or Hyde. Regardless of the conversation, I didn’t think I could be in his room without trembling. Inside his room, Michael Hutchens belted words to “Don’t Change.” Words I hoped to hear from Noah. Words that would assure me I wouldn’t need to change for him.

When I walked in, he turned around. I saw his breath hitch. He smiled and sat on the couch. I couldn’t have been more confused than at that moment. His smile worked me over each time, like his very own restart button and he used it to his benefit. I walked over and sat on the edge of the coffee table facing him.

I wasn’t going to let him hit that magic button this time. But
I could have used a fast forward button to get through the nightmare of a conversation that followed.

“So, the other night…” I couldn’t believe
I
had to start the conversation. We’d been sitting down long enough for him to say the two words I was waiting for—
I’m sorry
.

“Yeah. What the hell was that?”

“Sometimes I just don’t get you, Noah.” My hands shook so I clasped them in my lap so it would go unnoticed. I was not going to back down like I usually did.

“You don’t get
me
? How about you and your jealous rage? Huh? What was that?”

I was so frustrated before he even finished that sentence that I could have spit nails. “I wasn’t jealous. I was pissed.”

“Pissed at nothing.” His expression was turning, I was losing the Noah I walked in to.

“Nothing? Nothing?” I took a deep breath. Noah’s face twisted into something that scared me, and I was trying to stave off whatever depravity was lurking under the surface.

“Gracie, you went all psycho! Do you know how stupid you looked to them?”

His words punctured me and shards of my spirit spilled out. He had been angry with me before but name-calling was a new low, even for Noah.

“I wasn’t psycho and I’m not stupid. I was trying to help—”

“Help? You helped, all right. You helped yourself right into the role of jealous girlfriend.”

“How many times do I have to say it, I. wasn’t. jealous! I was—”

“Oh, right, you were being helpful. Explain how flipping out was helpful in that situation.”

I stopped talking and replayed the events of that night in my mind. In my mind, I was being a bitch to those girls, but I thought I had control of my tongue when I actually spoke to them. Shit. Was this
my
fault?

“Noah,” I could feel my throat closing, tears were imminent, “I didn’t mean to flip out. They came at me with attitude and I tried my hardest to stay calm so I didn’t come across bitchy. But that’s not even the issue—”

“Really? Because that was my issue with the whole shitty night.”

What bothered me the most about this conversation was not even the direction he kept trying to take it. It was the stagnant way he spoke the words and how effortlessly they came to him. He was on autopilot. It scared me that this quiet viciousness came so easily and seemingly at the flip of a switch.

I thought back to the conversation we had about him pushing me away when he felt overwhelmed by the love he felt for me. Was this situation a result of what he felt that made his breath hitch when I walked in? I was at a loss. I told myself I would stand up to him, but I also said I would love him through this struggle. But what he was struggling with now was an anger that had me frozen.

“My issue was that you invited them in and slammed the—”

“So, now you have a say in who I have in my room? You’re my warden, now?”

“Dammit, Noah! You are pissing me off!

“Welcome to my world, Gracie. Welcome to my world.”

Nothing made any sense. I tried to get my thoughts straight but as soon as I started saying them, he interrupted me and twisted things around to make it look like I was just a psycho who fed off of innocuous situations turning them into something they weren’t for attention. I was so frustrated within fifteen minutes that I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed. I felt abused by the up and down control he had over my emotions. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wept.

“And there they are. The tears.”

I looked up and his face was cold, his eyes were hollow. It was like I was spilling my heart out to someone I didn’t know, like someone else inhabited his mind and body. I was so scared at that moment that my chest started to tighten.

“Look...” He remained stoic, almost rehearsed. “I don’t like when you make me feel married. I don’t want that.”

I didn’t think my chest could get any tighter, but at that moment, I was sure I would suffocate. I knew he’d been struggling with his feelings for a while. But I had no idea he was headed down a road of uncertainty. We had just spent a beautiful Christmas together. He gave me the grace/trust ring. But now it was as if when we came back to campus, the curse of the Sigma Chi house rolled back into the picture, our picture. I had built up a wall since September so that the things he did hurt less. I tried to protect myself from all he dished out. I rationalized it as “getting through the tough spots.” If we could get through
this
, then we could head back in the right direction. If I didn’t make a big deal about
that
, then he would be more tolerant when I opened up about bigger issues.

I got through his void of emotion by pretending he was smiling on the other side of the phone as we talked on nights I couldn’t see him. I pretended he was making love to me when that’s not at all what he was doing in his own mind. I even belted out whimpers of ecstasy so his brothers would think we had unbelievable chemistry. The distorted truth was, I was hoping if I could make everyone around us see our relationship working, maybe it would. But maybe this was the end. Maybe I had to come to terms with him being too much of a coward to just end it. That’s when I realized, every time we had broken up, it was because
I
broke up with
him
. He
was
a coward. I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat, took a deep breath and gave him the out he obviously needed.

“So, we are done for good.”

“No.” He looked at me like I completely missed his point.

I have no fucking idea which way is up right now.

“Then what?” I was so sick from this roller coaster ride, I wasn’t sure I could take another up or down.

He shrugged.

“Fine, Noah. You just think about it and I will let you alone.” I got up and walked toward the door. I had to will my legs to support the weight of this insanity or I would be in the fetal position on his floor.

“I have to study anyway.” His expression had changed. His eyes weren’t fiery anymore, they were empty.

“Can you at least hug me before I go?”

Let me show you how it’s supposed to feel.
He walked over to me. Without looking at me, he rolled his eyes and threw his arms up over my shoulders and let them just hang there. I hugged for the both of us, trying to hold on to every last shred of sanity while convincing myself I could feel something from him. I couldn’t, but I had gotten really good at pretending I could.

I walked to Becki’s dorm and replayed everything to her. She got out some shot glasses and we did a couple vodka shots. I told her I made the decision to walk away before he broke me completely. She was supportive and agreed it needed to be done. I knew if she was voicing her opinion, it was something that needed to happen.

I wasn’t there for twenty minutes when Stacy texted me that Noah had just called and asked where I was because I wasn’t answering my phone. I checked my missed calls. Yep. He had called. I flipped my phone off silent and did another shot. And with that, his face showed up on my screen. Incoming call.

“Hi, what are you doing?” His voice was slow, almost sweet. Almost.

“I’m at Becki’s.”

“Why?”

“Because I needed to talk to someone.”

“Why?”

“Because I obviously can’t talk to you.”

“Why?”

Oh my word, I was going to throw the phone across the room. What was he, five?

“Because you have to study.”

“Do you want to come over?”

“For what?”

He was sucking me back in. I reached for Becki in my mind as I saw myself caught in a whirlpool somewhere in the middle of an expanse of dark water with no solid ground in sight.

Drowning
.

“To watch a movie?”

Are you kidding me? How does this make sense to you?

“I thought you had to study.” I was livid.

“I’m done, I can’t anymore.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“Why?”
Because you’re Jekyll now and it was Hyde who wanted to study?

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“You were anxious to get to work when I left.”

“But now I can smell your perfume and I miss you. You can stay.”

“What?”

“You can stay over.”

“Are you kidding?” My voice spewed disgust and was louder than usual. I got a thumbs up from Becki. She was pulling me up.

“Please?” His voice became more desperate with each word he spoke.

I was silent. I wanted my Noah back so badly that I endured each blow then took the apology too easily. I knew I did. But the love and affection I craved from Noah was being dangled in front of me. It gave me hope that the Noah I fell in love with was clawing to get out. I couldn’t give up on him now.

“I promise I’ll be affectionate.” He knew exactly what I was craving and he dangled it a little closer to my heart.

Just thinking about him voluntarily wrapping his arms around me made my stomach lurch.

“I have to go.” I hung up before I even waited for a response.

I looked at Becki with an I-am-an-idiot expression.

She patted my leg and handed me another shot. I fell back on her bed just as my phone rang again. It was Noah.

“Hello?”

“Can you bring me food?”

And that’s where his second biggest hold on me was secured—my willingness to take care of him. He knew if he gave me the impression he was in need of something, I was there.

So, we compromised. I was caving to him again but I wasn’t about to be his go-fer. We met at the corner pizza place and walked back to the house together. Pizza, what I was holding on a tray the day he took my breath away for the very first time. And now I was barely holding on to my own dignity.

“I think I have a conclusion. What do you think about this?” I could hear hope in his voice.

I closed the door behind me and sat back down on the coffee table.

Déjà vu.

He continued, “How about I be more affectionate and we see how it goes?”

“So, you want to stay together?”

“Yeah.”

“Noah, all this up and down between us is making me feel like I am insane. Maybe we just need to be done.” I felt the tingling start in my toes.

“Gracie, hear me out. I was sitting here trying to study and all I could smell was your perfume, and I missed you. I missed you with everything I have in me.”

“Noah, I had to
ask
for a hug and you barely gave me that. And a half an hour later you miss me?”

“I can’t explain it.”

“I wish one of us could explain it. I feel like I’m losing my freaking mind, Noah.”

He walked over to the couch and sat facing me with his legs on the outside of mine. He grabbed my hands and tilted his head. His big brown eyes softened and my favorite pouty lips pouted on purpose. I smiled and looked away. I just couldn’t resist him. I loved him so much it hurt. He took my face in his hands and lifted my lips to meet his. It was a kiss that could have stopped time. Not deep or overtly sexy. But tender, soft and loving. “I’m trying,” he whispered and breathed hope into my parted lips.

We finished our pizza and climbed into his bed. He snuggled in real close, hugging me from behind, and rested his face right by my ear.

“Thanks,” I whispered. I wasn’t even really sure if that was the right word.

“For what?”

“Making an effort.” I turned my head so his lips met my face.

“
This
isn’t an effort.” He spoke against my cheek and squeezed me a little tighter.

“I thought you hated this.”

“I don’t hate it. I convinced myself I did because I love you so much sometimes it scares me.”

For the first time in ages, I fell asleep in his arms with a dry pillow, a smile on my face and hope in my heart. Maybe his heart had come around.