In Too Deep (16 page)

Twenty-Six

I woke up in Noah’s arms. My heart was still hopeful. The fact that we fought because I stood up to him and he initiated the make-up and didn’t even try to get me naked was huge.

He stirred and peeked at me out of one eye. “You’re still here.”

“You didn’t want me to be?”

“I absolutely want you to be. I hated last night.”

“Me, too.” At that moment, I wondered if his heart felt as tortured as mine. I wondered if he was capable of feeling the kind of pain he inflicted.

“You wanna talk?” In two years, he had never started a conversation with those words. I jumped right on it.

“Noah, last night was hell. I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. It was like you were talking out of both sides of your mouth. One minute, you don’t even want to hug me and less than an hour later we are in your bed, fully clothed, and you can’t let go. What the hell?”

“The longer we are together the more pressure I feel for the whole ‘forever’ thing. That scares the piss out of me. I have never, ever pictured myself married, but when you say ‘I love you’ more than a couple times or say you want to ‘make love’ I get a flash in my mind of two old married people. I don’t want that. But I want
you
.”

“I am going to be honest with you. I need you to tell me you love me and I need you to stop fucking me and start making love to me. I can’t be with you if you can’t give me those things.” The words were out of my mouth before I could think. I just set myself up for a manic roll of the dice. I didn’t know
who
I would get when he responded to that.

“I do love you, Gracie. For some reason it is just hard for me to say. I can’t explain it. Maybe we should take a break from sex for a while. I think it confuses things even more.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

I really didn’t know what to do with that suggestion. I wanted to believe that he was exercising restraint as a means to help us connect more deeply on other levels. But I couldn’t help worrying that this was the beginning of him letting me go.

I left Noah’s when he realized he was late for a brothers’ meeting. I needed do some laundry and I needed to get my mind off everything. I threw a load in at the corner laundry place and ran home for more quarters. I ran into Jake about a block from our apartment, so he tagged along.

“So, how’s the semester going with Jessica away? You miss her?”

“Sure I do. But she’s having a great time already, so I’m happy she’s getting the chance to do this.” He smiled and pulled some of my laundry from the dryer.

“Does it make you sad that she’s gone?”

“Sad? No. Why would it make me sad?”

“I don’t know. Just wondered.” I did know. If Noah left for some kind of semester abroad thing, I would be a basket case. I would have myself so worked up and so scared of what he was doing, I think I would die. It would be nice to be so secure in a relationship that you didn’t have to worry the person you loved the most was loving someone else while you were apart.

“How are things with Noah?”

I looked up at him as I fed more quarters into the washer and rolled my eyes.

“That good, huh?”

“Let me give you a taste of the last week.”

Jake sat down on one of the plastic chairs bolted to the floor. He propped his feet up on a stepstool and crossed his arms over his chest, “Ready.”

“You sure?” He was nowhere near ready but he nodded. “Just before I climbed in your bed last weekend, Becki and I were at Sigma Chi. Noah ended up getting pissed at me and invited two girls into his room just before he slammed the door in my face. Yesterday was the first we spoke since then and it was because
I
called
him
.” I stopped to give Jake a chance to respond.

Jake had this way about lending an ear that fascinated me. He didn’t always say much, but I knew for sure he was taking it all in. I also knew when he was biting his tongue, holding back when the truth could hurt. He nodded for me to continue.

“I went up yesterday to tell him what he did was unacceptable but every time I tried to get a whole thought out he would interrupt and twist my words around. I felt like I was losing my mind, so after I forced him to hug me, I left and went to Becki’s.”

“Forced him to hug you?” He repeated the words like he was repeating something I spoke in a foreign language he had no idea how to translate.

“He’s just in this weird place, Jake. He’s scared of what we feel for each other. He feels married. So, anyway, I’m at Becki’s and he calls and says he couldn’t stop thinking about me, he missed me, blah, blah, blah. I went back over—”

“Tell me you really didn’t go back over? Gracie—”

“Wait. He said he will try to love me the way I need him to. I just feel like he needs me to walk him through this. He loves me.”

“He will try to love you the way you need to be loved? Be careful, Gracie. Don’t let him control you.” He stood up and walked over to where I was. I stopped folding when he leaned against the washer and pulled me so I was standing in front of him, his feet on either side of mine. As soon as I looked up and into those crystal blue eyes, the tears began to flow. He pulled me in for a long hug. I gave into the sadness and soaked his shirt with my tears.

Jake typically let me finish a thought before talking me through the difference between what I
thought
was happening and what was
really
happening with Noah and me. He was such a gentle soul with a mature and loving heart. And lately I couldn’t get enough of his hugs.

I had been filling the emotional gaps between Noah and I with time spent with Jake. We were either watching TV, doing laundry together, or going out for ice cream. Sam was usually studying or out tutoring the less brilliant, so if he wasn’t with me, poor Jake was left all alone. I was happy to take a turn at being his stand-in as he had done it so many times for me—snuggle stand-in only. It was easy to talk to him. He didn’t judge or push. He just listened…and sometimes got emotional in his responses. I was sad for him that Jessica was away but glad for me that he had more time on his hands because he was a great sounding board. He’d known Noah longer than I had, so often his insight was something no one else could give. And he was oh so lovely to look at. When we walked on campus or around town, I would secretly count the number of heads he turned.

Jake insisted on carrying both my laundry baskets and gave me the empty laundry bag. I hoped his arms wouldn’t fall off before we reached the apartment building. But as I eyed their obvious definition, I was sure my two baskets were nothing he couldn’t handle. Maybe it was because Jessica was gone, but I was noticing more about Jake’s physique. I couldn’t help myself. I seemed to pick up on every nuance. More than once, I’d been distracted by his abs peeking out between the bottom of his shirt and his low-slung jeans when he would reach for something. Today I noticed his arms, a couple days ago it was his hands. I thought of Jessica. I wondered what it felt like to hold on to someone you knew wouldn’t let you go.

I enjoyed his company while I put my laundry away. I opened my closet door and threw my laundry bag to the bottom. When I turned around, Jake was within inches of me. After dealing with Noah’s multiple moods, I was startled by Jake’s close proximity. Without warning, he took me into his arms and hugged me so tight I teared up again. He squeezed a little tighter and whispered in my ear, “Gracie, you are an amazing girl. You are beautiful and kind and you have the biggest heart of anyone I know.” He pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes. “But you have to see that Noah doesn’t respect you, he is controlling you.”

“Jake!”

“Listen, if no one is going to be brutally honest with you, I will, because I can’t stand watching you break.”

“Stop.” I shook my head and put my face in my hands.

“Gracie, listen to me. This is like a train wreck. Everyone is watching and everyone is seeing the same thing. But for some reason, you aren’t seeing the damage he is causing. This is eating you alive. He is stealing away the Gracie we all love and leaving an empty shell. It hurts me to watch. Honey, he doesn’t love you!”

His voice got louder and his grip on my arms got a little tighter when he repeated himself. “He doesn’t love you!” his voice trailed off.

I wiggled free and ran into the other room. “
Stop it
, Jake!”

He followed. “How does he show it? If he loves you, tell me what he does to prove it to you.”

“He…well…”

“See, you should be able to come up with something immediately. You can’t.”

“How can you…”

“He treats you like shit.” His face softened and he started to tear up. “I see you crumble more each time we talk about what he’s done to you. He’s changed back into the old Noah, and he doesn’t deserve you. You are way too good for him. When are you going to see that?”

“Jake, you are my best friend! My very, very best friend! How can you say these things to me? How can you stand here and hurt me like this?” The last question came out as a whisper.

He walked over to me and wiped my tears. He took my face in his hands. “Because sometimes being the best friend means telling the truth even when it hurts.”

I crumbled in his arms and he helped me to the couch. I don’t know how long we sat there, but I eventually cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I was covered up with a blanket and there was a note jotted on the receipt from our last take out order lying on the coffee table.

Remember to not settle. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Love you to pieces, Jake

Twenty-Seven

End of January, Spring Semester, Junior Year

Jake and I started talking a little more regularly about the things that troubled me. Our talks went much deeper now. It was like we broke the seal with that one painful conversation in my apartment, and now I could open up to him even more than I had been able to before. I really had never trusted anyone as much as I trusted Jake.

Thank you, Jessica, for going away this semester.

Noah made good on his new attempt at being affectionate. He snuggled in close and held my hand while we watched TV or lay in my lap while we talked about random things from our day. We had stayed true to our “no sex” decision, but I couldn’t tell if that was helping to focus more on the emotional side of our relationship. I still worried it was making the shift to “just friends” easier for him.

It was a little more than two weeks before Valentine’s Day, and I still couldn’t get the conversation with Jake out of my mind. It had been on a continual loop inside my head for the last two weeks. Over and over I heard him say Noah didn’t respect me or love me. I didn’t want Jake to be right. Noah did love me. He just had a hard time saying it.

I was working on not over-thinking things. Instead of having a twenty-minute internal struggle as to whether I should stop by on my way home from class or wait for him to call me, I decided that I would turn over another new leaf and I was just going to follow my heart and stop in when I missed him or call when I needed to hear his voice.

As I carried my new excitement for being boldly spontaneous toward the Sigma Chi house, I threw that little voice in my head to the curb. That’s when I saw Noah walking toward me.

“Hey.” He flashed his bright white smile. His eyes were gentle and that smile…it was genuine.

“Hey. I was just going to surprise you.” I waited to see his reaction to my spontaneity.

“Well, I was just going to take you for ice cream.” He reached for my hand.

My stomach did a flip flop.

“Don’t look so shocked. It makes me look bad.” He smiled when he said it so I knew that was his way of telling me he realized what an ass he had been over the past… I lost count of our timeline, but I didn’t want to keep score anymore. We were still working to clean that slate. We were starting over, again, and it felt wonderful. My heart swelled, and without second-guessing, I grinned and reached up and kissed him on his cheek. I smiled the whole way to iScream.

His twenty-first birthday was on Valentine’s Day. But I was sure he was way more excited to turn twenty-one than he was to celebrate with hearts and flowers. While we were in line, we talked about his fears of what a twenty-first bar tour means to his brothers.

“They will try to kill me!”

“Noah, I have seen you drink, you’ll be fine. You could come over after your bar tour and I can nurse you back to health.”

He paid for both of us and we headed back outside. The sun was brighter when we left arm in arm and my heart was warmer.

“You’d be the cutest nurse I’ve ever seen. I’d like that.” He leaned over and kissed me on the nose. In his sweet proclamation of “I’m really trying,” he hit his chin on the top scoop of my ice cream cone and knocked the whole thing out of my hands. I stopped walking, looked down, and frowned. It was no secret how much I loved ice cream.

“Oh no, babe!” He made a funny frown and threw his arm over my shoulder as we stepped over the melting mess on the sidewalk. Three steps later, he was spooning his ice cream from his dish into my mouth as we giggled about my dessert’s early demise.

We acted silly all the way back to the house, and I was floating on cloud nine because it finally felt easy and natural. I couldn’t stop smiling as we climbed the stairs hand in hand. We walked into his room, giggling about a funny story he was telling me about poor Pete. That poor guy, he was either sadistic or stupid. I laughed along, but in my gut, I felt so badly for him. I didn’t want to risk ruining the mood by turning all humanitarian on Noah.

When I walked over to hang my coat on the back of his door, I saw it. My stomach lurched. I blinked a couple times to hold back the tears stinging my eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to ignore what was in the trashcan so I didn’t ruin the surprise.

I walked over toward Noah just as he flipped the radio on. “Be right back. Gotta pee.”

I walked back over to the trashcan and took a longer look. Sure enough, there had been a bouquet of flowers inside the cellophane wrapping still held together with a pretty pink ribbon. He bought me flowers? He didn’t even know I was going to surprise him. I quickly looked around, hoping to see a bouquet. Nothing. No sign of a romantic gift anywhere. I wasn’t breathing and time stood still when reality set in. The sadness in the song on the radio was breaking me. I didn’t know why until I focused on the lyrics.

That’s all I needed to ruin the last two hours. Stupid Don Henley convincing me I was a fool because I’d never see the truth that sometimes love just isn’t enough. Tears poured down my cheeks.

“Oh my word. What is wrong now?” His annoyed tone paired with his empty eyes shredded me.

“Who did you buy flowers for?”

“What are you talking about?”

I wiped my eyes on the backs of my hands and stood up directly in front of him. He pushed the door shut behind him which revealed the trashcan in the corner that held the remnants of a romantic gesture…one obviously not meant for me. I pointed to the trashcan and looked him dead in the face. I was livid. He was two different guys in one body. One I liked and one I despised.

“It’s nothing. God!” Now his voice was sharp and loud.

“Nothing? Did you buy flowers for
yourself
?”

“No! Let it go!” He said it like he was warning me.

“Let it go? Do you think I’m an idiot?”
I am an idiot. Who else but me would put up with this shit for so long? I have hope? Hope for what? There’s nothing left to hope for.

We rarely got loud when we fought, but we were getting loud. I could have strangled him at that moment.

Like a smartass, he looked around aimlessly like he had to think about whether I was an idiot or not before he answered, “No, it’s just none of your business!”

“Are you kidding me? How is it none of my business? I am your girlfriend!”

He grimaced and made a guttural sound as soon as the word “girlfriend” was out of my mouth.

“See. This is the kind of stuff I hate about being ‘married!’ What if I just wanted to buy some flowers for a friend?”

“We are so far from being married, Noah! And it would be a sweet gesture if it was something you also did for me every now and then.”

“I’ve bought you flowers before! Don’t make me the bad guy here!”

“Yes, you are right.” I calmed my voice so I wasn’t yelling anymore. “You have given me flowers…when you fucked the virginity right out of me and when you admitted to sleeping with half of campus.” I took a deep breath and used all the strength I could muster to yell, “Who. Were. They. For?! I have every right to know.”

He spun around and looked me right in the eyes. He had walked away from me but now he slowly stalked back. With each step he took, a sinister smile spread across his face. His eyes were brazen. I was petrified.

“You want to know? You really want to know.” His smile was so sour. “I bought the flowers for Lily. Lily from my Business Admin class.”

Someone could have sliced my throat at that moment and I wouldn’t have known. I was numb. Waiting for him to decide he wanted her had been a slow and painful death for my heart.