How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (64 page)

(P
ROVERBS
13:3).

Don’t
assume that your friend should know all the answers.

Do
give assurance that God will guide and give wisdom every step of the way, especially when the way is unclear and the next step is unknown.

“The L
ORD
is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, L
ORD
, have never forsaken those who seek you”

(P
SALM
9:9-10).

Is a husband’s “headship” a license for wife abuse?
To the contrary! Does your head seek to hurt your hand?
Does your brain tell you to break your bone?
No, your head protects and provides for your body at all costs.
Likewise, the husband, as the God-ordained head
of the wife, is to protect her from harm, or else he forfeits his right
to headship. How significant that Christ, as the Head
of the church, not only loved her, but gave Himself up for her!

Wife Abuse—Answers in God’s Word

Q
UESTION
:
“Is it wrong to report a hot-tempered man who may have to pay a penalty?”

A
NSWER
:
“A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).

Q
UESTION
:
“What is the attitude of the Lord toward those who love violence?”

A
NSWER
:
“The L
ORD
examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates” (Psalm 11:5).

Q
UESTION
:
“Is it wrong to ask others to confront an abuser and show him his fault?”

A
NSWER
:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’ ” (Matthew 18:15-16).

Q
UESTION
:
“Should a wife report domestic violence to the governing authorities?”

A
NSWER
:
“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God” (Romans 13:1).

Q
UESTION
:
“What should I do about someone in my life who is hot-tempered and easily angered?”

A
NSWER
:
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered” (Proverbs 22:24).

Q
UESTION
:
“If I feel I’m in danger, should I take refuge?”

A
NSWER
:
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 27:12).

Q
UESTION
:
“What should I do if I can’t sleep in peace?”

A
NSWER
:
“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O L
ORD
, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I win the approval of my husband when I’ve tried everything?”

A
NSWER
:
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Q
UESTION
:
“Who can I trust if I can’t trust my own husband?”

A
NSWER
:
“Your Maker is your husband—the L
ORD
Almighty is his name” (Isaiah 54:5).

Q
UESTION
:
“Does the Bible say women should submit to or be protected from men of violence?”

A
NSWER
:
“You must purge the evil from among you” (Deuteronomy 19:19).

HOPE FOR THE ABUSER

H
ave you yourself been the victim of abusive treatment? Realize that if you were treated callously throughout childhood, you have probably developed a hard shell that does not allow sensitive emotions to come in or go out. And without empathy, a person is incapable of being sensitive to the emotional pain of someone else.
¹

“What a wretched man I am!
Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

(R
OMANS
7:24-25).

In order for change to occur—for the relationship to experience healing—the loving work of God in the heart of the abuser is necessary and the abuser must be willing to meet certain criteria.

Are you aware that many abusers have no idea that they are abusive? Is it possible that you may have been abusive?

— Are you willing to consider that you may not be in touch with your own emotions because they have been buried for so long?

— Will you acknowledge that you tend to place all blame on another person and that you believe you are always right?

— Will you concede that you may be in denial about the seriousness of your behavior?

Remember:

“A truthful witness gives honest testimony,
but a false witness tells lies”

(P
ROVERBS
12:17).

Take the Honesty Test

__ Has a loved one ever said that you are emotionally insensitive or uncaring?

__ Has a loved one ever said your behavior is abusive or unreasonable?

__ Has a loved one ever said you act nicer when you are with others than when you are alone with that person?

__ Has a loved one ever said that you tend to overreact?

__ Do you avoid responding to questions you don’t like?

__ Do you get angry when asked questions you don’t like?

__ Do you refuse to acknowledge your past negative behaviors?

__ Do you have a short fuse that ignites anger?

__ Do you think your personal interactions with others could be destructive?

__ Have you previously had failed, unresolved relationships?

If you answered yes to at least three of the above questions, it is likely that you have been abusive.

“I know, my God, that you test the heart
and are pleased with integrity”

(1 C
HRONICLES
29:17).

Change cannot take place unless you are willing for God to do His work in your life. Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Do’s and Don’ts—Take Responsibility for Your Abuse

•
Don’t
vent your pent-up anger on another person. Anger that is bottled up needs to be resolved and dissipated, not spewed out.

—
Do
understand that
feeling angry
is not a sin.

—
Do
recognize and admit that you may not know how to handle your anger.

•
Don’t
say, “You’re the reason I am so angry.”

—
Do
realize that you may be using your anger to get your own way.

•
Don’t
say, “I can never please you!”

—
Do
begin to see things from the other person’s point of view.

•
Don’t
say, “After all I do for you, it’s never enough.”

—
Do
recognize that courageous people are willing to admit their weaknesses.

•
Don’t
use harsh, belittling, or sarcastic statements.

—
Do
realize that you can change. It’s never too late.

•
Don’t
withdraw emotionally.

—
Do
be willing to enlist friends and family members for accountability.

“A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man keeps himself under control”

(P
ROVERBS
29:11).

Some children grow up in abusive homes where they receive the brunt of excessive control and power. When a parent is severely dominating, a child’s feelings are stepped on, and personal expression is stifled. This causes an atmosphere of fear to pervade the family, and these children grow up with a negative view of the offending person, vowing never to be like the father who always broke his promises or like the mother who was strict and unaffectionate. Although the children, when they grow up, might not behave in the same way as their offending parents, their negative views may cause them
to develop the same attitudes of resentment and bitterness they so disliked in their parents. That is why the Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God
and that no bitter root grows up
to cause trouble and defile many”

(H
EBREWS
12:15).

Points for the Abuser to Ponder

__ When you were growing up, was there anyone in your family who was overly controlling of others?

__ Is there anyone in your past toward whom you still harbor resentment?

__ Do you bitterly vow that you will never exhibit the same behaviors your parents displayed toward you?

__ Do you have a negative view of one or both of your parents?

__ Do you still feel the need to talk about the negative behavior of your parent(s)?

__ Are you still angry over the way someone you love was treated by someone else who was abusive?

__ Have you learned to forgive the parents God gave you in spite of their faults and inabilities to communicate love?

“When you stand praying,
if you hold anything against anyone,
forgive him, so that your Father in heaven
may forgive you your sins”
(M
ARK
11:25).

When you have difficulty controlling your anger, you will express your anger in one of two ways. If you vent your anger at someone else, your anger is
explosive
, but if you keep your anger bottled up, your anger is
implosive
.

—
Explosive
anger is outwardly abusive.

—
Implosive
anger is inwardly abusive.

Both are damaging to relationships. God does not condemn our feelings of anger, but He does require that both kinds of anger be expressed appropriately.

“In your anger do not sin”

(P
SALM
4:4).

Step #1: Discover Your Trigger Points

— Be aware of when you are feeling irritated or aggravated.

— Take note when a sudden feeling of anger explodes in your mind.

— Listen to yourself and realize when you are behaving badly, performing poorly, or snapping at those close to you.

— Stop! Take a few moments and give yourself time to discover the source of your anger.

“Get wisdom, get understanding”

(P
ROVERBS
4:5).

Step #2: Be Aware of Your Early Family Background

— Read about and recall your early family dynamics.

— Did you discover that it was not safe to express anger?

— Did you learn that explosive anger was a means of control?

— Have you now learned to see your family through the eyes of an adult?

“When I was a child,
I talked like a child, I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child. When I became a man,
I put childish ways behind me”