How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (59 page)

Many men who have been startled by the seemingly abrupt departure or absence of their abused wives have asked, “How do I apologize to my wife and convince her that I won’t hurt her anymore? And how do I ask her to take me back and give our marriage another chance?”

These are daunting questions that demand an answer if marriages damaged by abuse are to heal and become healthy.

If you are an abusive husband asking these questions, before approaching your wife with apologies, promises, and requests, consider what your wife needs from you and the changes you need to make to meet those needs. Once you know the
cost of reconciliation
, you need to determine if you are willing to pay the price. In this way, building a marriage is like building a tower:

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.
Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see
if he has enough money to complete it?
For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it,
everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying,
‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish’ ”

(L
UKE
14:28-30).

If your answer is yes, and you are willing to pay the cost of reconciliation, then pray for God’s wisdom regarding what you should say, and ask Him for the strength to…

Be open and communicate honesty. “I know I have deeply wounded you and grievously sinned against both you and God by abusing you.”

Apologizing to your wife is a start, but you must also humbly ask for forgiveness. “I know I do not deserve your forgiveness and I do not expect you to forgive me immediately, but as time passes, I hope you will extend mercy and grace to me by forgiving me. Will you please forgive me or try to forgive me?”

Be honest and vulnerable with people who can hold you accountable for your attitudes and actions.

— “I’ve joined a recovery group in which I’m fully disclosing my abusive acts toward you. At least one member talks to me daily and all are keeping my feet to the fire regarding the way I think about you and treat you. Most have been abusive toward their wives and their lives are changing. They’re helping me see myself accurately and see the real reasons for my anger, which have nothing to do with you.”

— “I know I’ve taken my anger out on you and blamed you, but I was wrong.”

— “I’m the one to blame. You aren’t the cause of my angry outbursts.
You aren’t responsible for my anger. I’m the one responsible; I’m the one who chose to strike out at you rather than deal with the true root causes of my anger. For that I am deeply sorry and I truly apologize to you.”

Determine to become conformed to the character of Christ regardless of your wife’s response to you.

— “No matter what happens in our relationship, I’m completely committed to becoming a man of integrity and growing in Christlikeness.”

— “With the Lord’s help, I intend to become the man He created me to be. I am doing that by engaging in a men’s Bible study group and by studying on my own and learning to talk to God on a regular basis throughout the day.”

Become a man your wife can trust.

— “You’ve been right not to trust me because I’ve not been trustworthy. I’ve hurt you when I should have protected you. I’ve robbed you of your self-respect when I should have given you respect. I’ve thought only of myself and what I’ve wanted from you when I should have first thought of you and what you’ve wanted from me.”

— “I’m working hard to become someone you can trust to love and protect you, respect and care for you.”

— “I’m committed to keeping my word to you and doing everything I tell you I’ll do. I’ll be truthful to you and no longer lie to you or even do something that would give me a reason to want to lie to you.”

Choose to be one with your wife and partner with her as an equal.

— “I realize that I’ve tried to control you, exerting power over you in every way I possibly could. I’ve berated you, intimidated you,
physically overpowered you, and withheld good from you. I was wrong to have done those things to you.”

— “I now know that God intended for us to share our resources equally and to make decisions jointly, to submit mutually and to love voluntarily, to talk openly and listen intently, to keep no secrets and to harbor no grudges.

“My goal is to have the kind of relationship with you that God designed for us from the beginning. I know it’ll take time and hard work, but I am committed for the long haul and hope you’ll wait while God works in me to change me.”

— “I desire to be reconciled with you, but I want to do so on your terms. Please consider what you need to see from me in order to begin trusting me again and I will truly take to heart your request.”

If your reason for reconciling with your wife is a selfish one, your attempts at restoration won’t work! Marriages don’t change until the people in the marriages change. A relationship improves only when the people in the relationship improve. Your wife obviously doesn’t want more of the same unhealthy relationship, and she won’t have a relationship with you until you change. Therefore, because you now know what change will cost, make a decision as to whether you are truly willing to do what is necessary to reconcile the relationship and rebuild the trust you shattered in the past.

If you are experiencing abuse from your husband, you need to draw a line in the sand. Your husband needs to know you will not tolerate his abuse. And if he crosses the line, a repercussion must follow. Perhaps you will leave home with the children, or you will notify the police, or you will call the pastor, or you will have certain individuals come who will take your husband out of the house.

Just as important as drawing a line in the sand is this: Ensure that the boundary doesn’t get blurred by compromises or by a lack of resolve to enforce it. The only way to prevent abuse in the future is to stop it in the present. What you say you will do
you must do
—every time—or the cycle of abuse will rage on. The following Scripture passage reflects God’s perfect will regarding violence:

“No longer will violence be heard in your land”

(I
SAIAH
60:18).

As you begin laying a firm foundation for building healthy boundaries with your husband (the following is an acrostic of the word B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S)…

B—B
EGIN
a new way of thinking about yourself, about God, and about abuse.

• God loves you and created you in His image.

• Abuse is a sin against God’s creation; God did not create you to be abused.

• Don’t think that abuse is normal—line up your thinking with God’s thinking.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’ s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will”

(R
OMANS
12:2).

O—O
VERCOME
fear of the unknown by trusting God with the future. Personalize and memorize the following passages:

“The L
ORD
himself goes before [me] and will be with [me];
he will never leave [me] nor forsake [me]. [I will] not be afraid;
[I will] not be discouraged”

(D
EUTERONOMY
31:8).

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you...
I sought the L
ORD
, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears”

(P
SALM
56:3; 34:4).

U—U
NDERSTAND
the biblical mandate to hold abusers accountable.

•
Confrontation is biblical.

•
Confrontation can be used by God’s Spirit to convict the abuser.

•
Lack of confrontation enables abusers to continue abusing others.

“Call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out”

(P
SALM
10:15).

N—N
OTIFY
people of your needs (supportive friends, relatives, or others).

•
They must believe you.

•
They must be trustworthy.

•
They must not divulge your new location to your husband if you leave.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way
you will fulfill the law of Christ”

(G
ALATIANS
6:2).

D—D
EVELOP
God’s perspective on biblical love, submission, and authority.

•
Neither love, submission, nor authority ever give license for abuse.

•
Neither love, submission, nor authority is to be imposed or demanded, but is to be voluntary.

•
Neither love, submission, nor authority is designed by God to be a way of life for only some people, but for everyone.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”

(E
PHESIANS
5:21).

A—A
DMIT
your anger and practice forgiveness.

•
Confirm your hurt.

•
Confess your anger.

•
Choose to forgive your husband but not necessarily to reconcile with him.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that
no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”

(H
EBREWS
12:15).

R—R
ECOGNIZE
your codependent patterns of relating and change the way you respond.

•
Don’t respond fearfully, hiding the truth from your husband.

•
Don’t believe you can change your husband.

•
Don’t take responsibility for your husband’s behavior.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?
Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men,
I would not be a servant of Christ”

(G
ALATIANS
1:10).

I—I
DENTIFY
healthy boundaries for yourself and commit to maintaining them.

•
Communicate your boundaries.

•
State what you will do if your husband crosses your boundaries.

•
Follow through when your boundaries are crossed.

For example, state firmly, “The next time you use any force against me [or block me from leaving, etc.], I will call the police.” Or, “You can no longer live at home.” Or, “I will leave with the children.” Then follow through with the promised action.

“A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty;
if you rescue him, you will have to do it again”

(P
ROVERBS
19:19).

E—E
NSURE
your personal safety (and that of your children) immediately.

•
Have a plan of action.

•
Involve your church. Find out ahead of time who you can contact for help.

•
Plan ahead whom you will call and where you can go. Have the necessary numbers easily accessible.

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone,
O L
ORD
, make me dwell in safety”

(P
SALM
4:8).

S—S
EE
your identity as a precious child of God, an identity that cannot change even though your role as a wife may change.

•
God chose you.