How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (61 page)

“The name of the L
ORD
is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe”

(P
ROVERBS
18:10).

Safety steps for being out and about

— Change your regular travel habits.

— Try to get rides with different people.

— Shop and bank in different places.

— Keep your court order and emergency numbers with you at all times.

— Obtain a cell phone and program it to call an emergency number or the police. (Keep it with you at all times.)

“The L
ORD
will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life”

(P
SALM
121:7).

Safety steps for being at work

— Confide in a coworker about your unsafe situation.

— Explain your situation to the head of security at the office building.

— Give a picture of your husband to security, to your supervisor, and to friends at work.

— Ask your supervisors if they can make it harder for your abuser to find you at work.

— If you have a court order, keep a copy of it at work.

— Ask someone to screen your calls, if possible.

— Save abusive voice mails and e-mails you receive from your husband.

— Don’t go to lunch alone.

— Ask a security guard, friend, or coworker to walk you to and from your car, bus, or other mode of transportation.

— Ask if your employer can help you find community resources.

“Rescue the weak and needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked”

(P
SALM
82:4).

Sadly, many abused wives are so beaten down that they feel powerless to do anything to free themselves from the bondage they mistakenly believe is unbreakable. In truth, it is not only their husbands who keep them in bondage, but also their own passivity, rooted in fear and insecurities. They
choose
to stay in abusive relationships rather than to definitively act to bring about an end to their violent home life.

But today, unlike them, you can choose differently. With the help of the legal system and strong community support networks, you can begin developing a plan to break the cycle of abuse, once and for all. Do not believe the lies that you have to stay and endure abuse or that no one can or wants to help you. Help is available—from those around you and from the One above you.

“Rulers hold no terror for those who do right,
but for those who do wrong…Do what is right and he will commend you.
For he is God’s servant to do you good.
But if you do wrong, be afraid,
for he does not bear the sword for nothing.
He is God’s servant,
an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer”

(R
OMANS
13:3-4).

If you stay in your home, take action and obtain a restraining order/protective order.

— Inform family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers of the court order.

— Ask them to be ready to call the police if your husband appears and refuses to leave.

— Get an unlisted phone number for yourself.

— Take a good self-defense course.

— Keep a phone in a room you can lock from the inside.

— When you need to call the police, do so quickly.

— If police officers come, tell them what happened and get their names and badge numbers.

To those in law enforcement the Bible says,

“Let the fear of the L
ORD
be upon you. Judge carefully,
for with the L
ORD
our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery”

(2 C
HRONICLES
19:7).

Take action if your home is not safe and secured.

— Install new locks on outside doors.

— Install deadbolt locks.

— Install locks on the windows and on the inside of your bedroom door.

— Install a security system.

— Install smoke detectors.

— Install an outside lighting system.

“You will know that your home is safe”

(J
OB
5:24
NLT
).

Take action to protect your children and yourself by allowing a judge to issue protective orders.

— Have a judge order your husband to stay away from you or your children.

— Have a judge order your husband to leave your home.

— Have a judge order that you take temporary custody of your children and that your husband pay you temporary child support.

— Have a judge order the police to come to your home while your husband picks up his personal belongings.

— Have a judge order you to take possession of the car, furniture, and other belongings.

— Have a judge order your husband to go to a batterers’ intervention program.

— Have a judge order your husband to not call you at work.

— Have a judge order your husband to turn over his guns to the police.

“We know that the law is good if one uses it properly”

(1 T
IMOTHY
1:8).

Take action if you are being harassed by phone.

— Consider getting caller ID tracking.

— Consider rejecting anonymous calls.

— Consider call-screening.

— Consider call-blocking.

— Consider call-tracing.

— Consider call-waiting caller ID.

— Consider a do-not-disturb function on your phones.

— Consider obtaining priority ringing.

“This is what the L
ORD
Almighty says:
‘Give careful thought to your ways’ ”

(H
AGGAI
1:5).

Take action if you are worried about your safety or the safety of your children during scheduled visits.

— Show the judge pictures of your injuries.

— Tell the judge you do not feel safe when your husband comes to your home to pick up the children to visit with them.

— Ask the judge to order your husband to pick up and return the children at the police station or some other safe place.

— Ask that your husband’s visits be only at very specific times so the police will know by reading the court order whether your husband is there at the wrong time.

— Tell the judge if your husband has harmed or threatened the children; ask that visits be supervised; think about who could do that for you.

— Get a certified copy of the court order.

“Protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet”

(P
SALM
140:4).

Take action if you are concerned about your safety during any criminal proceedings.

— Show the prosecutor your court orders.

— Show the prosecutor medical records containing your injuries or pictures, if you have them.

— Tell the prosecutor the name of anyone who is helping you (a victim advocate or a lawyer).

— Tell the prosecutor about any witnesses to your injuries or abuse.

— Ask the prosecutor to notify you ahead of time if your husband is getting out of jail.

“This is what the L
ORD
says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for
the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and
you will find rest for your souls. But you said, “We will not walk in it” ’ ”

(J
EREMIAH
6:16).

Take action if you fear for your safety at the courthouse.

— Sit as far away from your husband as you can; you don’t have to look at or talk to him; you don’t have to talk to his family or friends if they are there.

— Bring a friend or relative with you to wait until your case is heard.

— Tell a bailiff or sheriff that you are afraid of your husband, and ask the person to look out for you.

— Make sure you have your court order before you leave.

— Ask the judge or the sheriff to retain your husband for a while when court is over so you can leave quickly without having any unwanted interaction.

— Call the police immediately if you think your husband is following you when you leave.

— Take your protection order with you if you have to travel to another state, either for work or for safety. It is valid everywhere.

“You will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble”

(P
ROVERBS
3:23).

What Recourses Do Women Have?

Q
UESTION
:
“My friend’s husband continues to be physically violent toward her. Other than leaving with their children, what recourse does she have?”

A
NSWER
:
A wife who has been victimized by her husband
should not be doubly victimized
by having to leave her own home. Though he is the violator, don’t assume that she should be the one to leave.

•
She could first call a legal official (such as a district attorney) to inquire about the local laws governing protective orders and court orders that can force her husband to leave the premises.

•
If she has difficulty getting information, she can call a shelter for battered women, a hotline for domestic violence, the Salvation Army, or an attorney who specializes in family law who can explain to her the ways she can legally protect her family.

Great comfort and assurance will come from those who are wise:

“The wise heart will know the proper time and procedure”

(E
CCLESIASTES
8:5).

Protection Through the Legal System

Q
UESTION
: “What protection is available through the legal system in the United States?”
⁴⁴

A
NSWER
: In the absence of a divorce action, a
peace bond
is issued before a justice of the peace in a civil court. This legal instrument is mainly used in cases involving domestic violence. In a divorce action, the attorney requests a
restraining order
to protect the abused from further harassment and violence. Such an order is usually issued by a family court judge. Keep the following in mind:

•
The mere suspicion of violence or threats of violence are not enough to warrant the issuing of any order by a judge.

•
Before a judge will consider issuing any order, police reports must contain documented reports of physical contact.

God promises to bless those who confront the guilty. Proverbs 24:25 says, “It will go well with those who convict the guilty, and rich blessing will come upon them.”

If you live in a place where the legal system does not offer protection against domestic abuse, find help from a church or seek refuge with empathetic friends or neighbors. God is aware of your situation, and He will guide you to a place of safety.

“The L
ORD
is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and horn of my salvation, my stronghold”

(P
SALM
18:2).

The U.S. Bill of Rights, which comprises the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution, stands as a fundamental symbol for individual freedoms. Among other constraints, Congress can pass no law that prohibits the free exercise of religion, nor can it deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without due process of law.

And so it goes within the marriage relationship. Know the rights you have that are firmly embedded in an even more trustworthy document—
the Bible
,
the Word of God
. It includes the right to operate by faith and not by fear, and the right to seek to live a holy life, not a hellish one marked by abuse.

“God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
4:7).

Some people claim that when you come into a relationship with Christ, you give up all of your rights. This simply is not true. You always have the God-given right to live your life according to God’s Word in order to accomplish God’s will. For example, if your marriage partner tries to pressure you to commit a sinful act by using Scripture out of context (perverting the purpose of the command “wives, submit to your husbands”), God’s will is that you
not
do it. Instead, you “must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).