How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (62 page)

Here is the biblical bill of rights as viewed within the context of a marriage relationship:

Biblical Bill of Rights

I. God’s will is that you
treat one another with respect.

“The wife must respect her husband”

(E
PHESIANS
5:33).

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate
as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect”

(1 P
ETER
3:7).

II. God’s will is that you
experience mutual submission.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”

(E
PHESIANS
5:21).

III. God’s will is that you
speak truth and have truth spoken to you in a loving manner.

“Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up
into him who is the Head, that is, Christ”

(E
PHESIANS
4:15).

IV. God’s will is that you
express anger and have anger expressed toward you in appropriate ways.

“In your anger do not sin:
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”

(E
PHESIANS
4:26).

V. God’s will is that you
both spend personal time alone.

“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up,
left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed”

(M
ARK
1:35).

VI. God’s will is that you
use your unique talents and gifts to serve others.

“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others,
faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms”

(1 P
ETER
4:10).

VII. God’s will is that you
enjoy freedom from fear.

“You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,
but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’ ”

(R
OMANS
8:15).

VIII. God’s will is that you
both seek emotional and spiritual support from others.

“Let us not give up meeting together…
but let us encourage one another”

(H
EBREWS
10:25).

IX. God’s will is that you
report abuse to governmental authorities.

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority
instituted among men…who are sent by him to punish those
who do wrong and to commend those who do right…
The authorities that exist have been established by God.
Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling
against what God has instituted, and those who do so
will bring judgment on themselves”

(1 P
ETER
2:13-14; R
OMANS
13:1-2).

X. God’s will is that you
leave an abusive relationship when it becomes necessary to do so.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
27:12).

THE UNITED NATIONS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF
HUMAN RIGHTS ARTICLES I, III, AND V, 1948

“All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights…
Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person…
No one shall be subject to torture or to cruel, inhuman
or degrading treatment or punishment.”

Religion can be a
resource
or a
roadblock
, greatly depending on the
response
of the church leaders. As a
resource
it can provide the necessary safety and support for the abused to seek help and healing. As a
roadblock
it can turn a blind eye to abuse or rationalize it, thereby contributing to the victim’s sense of self-blame.

Jesus had this to say about unresponsive spiritual leaders:

“You experts in the law, woe to you,
because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry,
and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them”

(L
UKE
11:46).

Motivating local churches to move from apathy to action—from ignorance to enlightenment—regarding domestic violence is a most worthy cause, but not necessarily an easy one to carry out. In accepting this critical challenge, consider the following straightforward suggestions:

•
Recruit
the support of church leaders to back your position and provide you with the necessary resources so that you can provide meaningful help. Educate yourself and your leaders to understand the complexity of the problem and how abusers typically disguise themselves within the religious community.

•
Realize
the great degree of difficulty for the abused to come forward and reveal the truth about their abusers. Explain that the abused often remain shrouded in silence for fear of retaliation or not being believed.

•
Remember
the primary importance of fully listening to the abused. Listen with your heart as well as with your ears so the abused feels sincerely heard.

•
Reassure
the abused that your church is a safe place. Keep shared information completely confidential, doing everything in your power to protect the abused’s privacy and safety in this way.

•
Recognize
that women of color and different cultures are often most at risk. Factors such as fear of deportation, lack of familiarity with the language and legal system, cultural expectations for women to keep problems private, and lack of resources or education may contribute to their silence.

•
Rebuke
the abuser so that strong, godly leaders confront and counsel the abuser through the lengthy path of
repentance
,
restoration
, and
reconciliation
. Hold the abuser accountable to participate in a specialized recovery program, even if the pastoral team is unable to handle the counseling in-house at the church.

•
Refuse
to allow the abuser to use Scriptures such as Ephesians 5:22 out of context to justify abusive actions. Redirect abusers to Bible passages that show the importance of loving and respecting their wives and family members.

•
Refer
the abused person to trained counselors and specialized
services to receive the safety and support needed for everyone in the family. Provide a list of phone numbers, services, support people, as well as an action plan that will arm the abused with necessary resources.

•
Resolve
to help break generational cycles of abuse. Abusers and those whom they abuse usually come from homes where they witnessed abuse or they experienced abuse themselves. Engage the children in counseling, for children from a violent home are more likely to become abusive or be abused and more likely to use alcohol or drugs.

•
Recommend
Bible study, prayer, and fasting to both the abuser and the abused. Encourage both the abused and abuser to establish the daily habit of having a time to study God’s Word, pray, and cast every care on the Lord.

“My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life”

(P
SALM
119:50).

If you are a church leader or a member of a church, you need a heightened awareness of the prevalence and dangers of domestic violence.
Make no mistake—abuse is occurring within your congregation
. Therefore, you need to know how to respond when a victim needs help. Key elements of an effective response include knowing
how
to listen and
how
to respond with wisdom, as well as having a plan and programs in place. If you are a church member, you are to love and encourage the abused person as well as to confront and admonish when necessary. If you are a pastor, you have a dual responsibility as a
watchman,
who is entrusted with the safety of his people, and a
shepherd
, who is to guide and support them.

These roles may call for both the pastor and the parishioner to have keen eyes that watch for clues that may indicate abuse is taking place. Wife abuse thrives in a secret world of shame, and women are usually fearful of bringing what happens in the dark into the light. They feel disgraced and degraded—so much so they don’t even want to say what is happening behind closed doors.

This is why it’s vital for you to watch for signs of domestic violence, such
as the repeated appearance of bruises and wounds, or a reluctance to talk about one’s home life.

The Bible emphasizes the seriousness of your role:

“If the watchman sees the sword coming
and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people
and the sword comes and takes the life of one of them,
that man will be taken away because of his sin,
but I will hold the watchman accountable for his blood”

(E
ZEKIEL
33:6).

Practical Points for Pastors and Parishioners

Don’t
listen to an abused wife’s story for only a brief time and then jump to a premature conclusion.

Do
listen patiently and attentively with your head and your heart.

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance”

(P
ROVERBS
1:5).

Don’t
require hearing the “other person’s story” before being willing to believe what the abused wife is saying. This can put her in a potentially dangerous situation.

Do
believe and support her. It takes tremendous courage for an abused wife to come forward and seek help.

“Do not withhold your mercy from me, O L
ORD
;
may your love and your truth always protect me”

(P
SALM
40:11).

Don’t
place blame or guilt on the abused by inferring
she
may have done something to cause her husband to attack her. No one makes another person sin.

Do
make supportive statements that encourage and validate her.

“This is what the L
ORD
Almighty says:
‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another’ ”

(Z
ECHARIAH
7:9).

Don’t
react with disbelief and disgust over what an abused wife tells you.

Do
listen responsively and compassionately.

“My dear brothers, take note of this:
Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry”

(J
AMES
1:19).

Don’t
recommend marriage classes or counseling, for these will not address the immediate situation. Marriage counseling may be part of the long-term solution, but it’s not the first step.

Do
produce immediate and practical solutions that will meet the needs for safety and hope, procuring strength, and promoting empowerment.

“He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak”

(I
SAIAH
40:29).

Don’t
do anything that will allow an abused wife to become overly dependent on you.

Do
furnish her with resources to equip and empower her to provide safety and security for herself in the future as she trusts in the Lord.

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the L
ORD
our God”

(P
SALM
20:7).

Don’t
try to “save” the situation on your own. Abusive people are complex and unpredictable. They often appear one way to their pastor yet are completely different at home.

Do
consult with colleagues and experts in your community
who have expertise and wisdom as well as experience and resources to provide support for abused wives and to confront and hold accountable abusive husbands.