How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (29 page)

“be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil
or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you
were called so that you may inherit a blessing”

(1 P
ETER
3:8-9).

Overcoming Damage from the Past

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I overcome the damage that I suffered in my past? Why do I keep repeating the same unhealthy relational patterns, and how can I change these harmful behaviors?”

A
NSWER
:
God often allows difficulties in life to wake us up to our need to understand our personal attitudes and actions, and then with that understanding we can take responsibility for them. You will find yourself drawn to the same relational dynamics over and over until you overcome the past by allowing God to train you through discipline, and thus to produce a harvest of peace and righteousness in you. Truly…

“God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.
Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness
and peace for those who have been trained by it”

(H
EBREWS
12:10-11).

“Love does no harm to its neighbor.
Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law”

(R
OMANS
13:10).

Have you ever spilled a glass of milk and watched helplessly as it poured across the tabletop and over the edges onto the floor below? You wish you could somehow catch it and pour it back into the glass, but the liquid flows all too quickly between your fingers and cannot be contained. You are left with a mess to clean up.

It normally takes just a few minutes to wash a table and clean up spilled milk splashed across the floor. But it takes much longer when it comes to cleaning up after our hurtful words. Once they have been spilled onto a person, damaging the soul and inflicting great emotional pain, it takes time and the healing counsel of God’s Word to restore wholeness and repair the abusive relationship. And if there is no repentance from the abuser and no help sought by the abused, the effects of verbal and emotional abuse can last a lifetime, causing permanent scars of sorrow on the heart of the abused. God hears and judges your every word as it spills out from the overflow of your heart!

“How can you who are evil say anything good?
For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him,
and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.
But I tell you that men will have to give account
on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.
For by your words you will be acquitted,
and by your words you will be condemned”

(M
ATTHEW
12:34-37).

Words

Abuse occurs when one person repeatedly interacts with another person in an unloving manner. Abuse violates the way God tells us to love one another. The best description of love is found in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, often called the Love Chapter. If you wonder whether you are being verbally abused, write out the exact words spoken to you and ask yourself…

•
“How does this make me feel?”

•
“Does this sound like a conversation between those who respect each other?”

•
“Does this sound like a conversation between those who care for each other?”

•
“Would Jesus speak to me in this way?”

•
“If I said these words, how would the other person react?”

Compare the words spoken to you with God’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and the standard He has set for us:

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
13:4-8).

The Language of Love Inventory

The Bible says,

“Love must be sincere.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good”

(R
OMANS
12:9).

Is there any hope for those who have been verbally abused? Granted, change doesn’t come overnight, but with hard, consistent work progress can be made…authentic change can occur…and victory can be achieved.

Those who seek to control or to overpower you with verbal bombardments may not be as strong and self-assured as they appear. If they express inappropriate anger toward you, realize that their assaults are not about you,
but about them! The source of their insensitive attacks is a heart that suffers from emotional pains or dysfunctions from the past and from their choice to respond to those pains by abusing others. In addition, keep in mind that you may have unresolved anger from abuse in your own past that magnifies the abuse you are experiencing now. If that is the case, the Bible has this helpful word of instruction:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,
along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ God forgave you”

(E
PHESIANS
4:31-32).

Steps to Victory

1. F
ACE THE
P
ROBLEM

•
Decide to identify any verbal abuse. Does the other person…

— say things that seem designed to make you feel guilty?

— claim always to be right?

— put you down in humorous or sarcastic ways?

— become your “judge and jury”?

— bring up the past over and over?

•
Decide that you will no longer tolerate the abusive behavior.

•
Decide to communicate your position to the abuser.

•
Decide that you will look at and resolve your anger from past or present verbal abuse.

The Bible says,

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting”

(P
SALM
139:23-24).

2. U
NDERSTAND THE
S
OURCE OF THE
P
ROBLEM

•
Know that many verbal abusers were themselves abused or neglected in one way or another as children. (Some, however, were not abused as children and simply learned abusive behavior later in life.)

•
Know that verbal abusers lack sympathy and feel justified in their abuse.

•
Know that uncontrolled outbursts of anger can be triggered by depression, fear, hurt, stress, anxiety, worry, frustration, or insecurity.

•
Know that you are
not
the cause of the abuse (although you will be blamed).

The Bible says…

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
the ears of the wise seek it out”

(P
ROVERBS
18:15).

3. C
ONFRONT THE
P
ROBLEM
P
ERSON

•
Communicate an attitude of caring.

“I want you to know that I care about you.”

•
Communicate that you have been deeply hurt by the abusive behavior.

“I feel deeply hurt by your tone of voice when you talk to me.”

•
Communicate your desire for a positive relationship, but make it clear that you will no longer tolerate verbal attacks.

“I want to support you and I want us to have a good relationship, but I will no longer tolerate abusive behavior from you.”

•
Communicate truth without condemnation or judging.

“I want our relationship to continue, but if you choose to continue belittling me, I will know that you don’t value me. We therefore have no basis for a relationship, and I will leave.”

The Bible says,

“The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction”

(P
ROVERBS
16:21).

4. T
AKE
R
ESPONSIBILITY FOR
Y
OURSELF