How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (51 page)

Do you think you can always identify abuse when it is happening? Chances are, probably not. Abusive behavior can be aggressive or passive, physical or psychological, direct or indirect. Regardless of the method, all abusive behavior comes from those with hardened hearts who want to punish, coerce, and control.

Although abusers treat their mates unjustly, they blame their mates for
making them abusive. They say things like, “You made me do it!” and “If it weren’t for you, I would never have done it!” The actions of the abusive husband are “never” his fault—or so he hurtfully says.

After the pileup of put-downs, harsh beatings, and even sadistic sexual acts, wives can tragically start to think,
He’s probably right. It really is all my fault.
But God knows the abusive husband is
entirely wrong
. And He knows precisely what is in the abuser’s heart: Along with deception resides another evil—injustice.

“In your heart you devise injustice,
and your hands mete out violence on the earth”

(P
SALM
58:2).

Verbal abuse
is the use of words or tone of voice in an attempt to control or hurt another person or to destroy that person’s self-worth. Like physical abuse, verbal abuse is devastating within a marriage—it is a destroyer of respect, trust, and intimacy. Place a check mark (
) beside any of the following behaviors that are applicable to you.

Verbally abusive language
is characterized by:

___
Badgering
with excessive questioning or accusations

___
Belittling
by mocking or name-calling

___
Blaming
you for the abuse

___
Confusing
with mind games or twisting what is said

___
Controlling
with criticism or sarcasm

___
Degrading
with public or private put-downs

___
Demoralizing
by making light of the abusive behavior

___
Devaluing
by demeaning family or friends

___
Disempowering
by continually dictating orders

___
Disrespecting
by denying that the abuse ever happened

___
Insulting
with coarse language or profanity

___
Intimidating
with yelling or threats

___
Manipulating
with threats of self-injury or suicide

___
Overpowering
by always claiming to be right

___
Paralyzing
by threatening to report you as an unfit parent

___
Shaming
with humiliation or guilt trips

___
Silencing
with constant interruptions or changing topics

___
Telling
half-truths or lies

The internal negative impact of verbal abuse can last much longer than the external negative impact of physical violence. Name-calling, derogatory comments, persistent shaming, ridicule, and threats are devastating and highly destructive, making the victim (whether husband or wife) even more vulnerable to being controlled by the abuser. The psalmist says of the verbal abuser…

“His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue”

(P
SALM
10:7).

While all forms of mistreatment are emotionally abusive, certain overt behaviors can be labeled as
emotional abuse
. All acts of emotional abuse will fit into one of two categories: passive or aggressive. Place a check mark (
) beside any of the following behaviors that are applicable to you.

Passive emotional abuse
is characterized by:

___
Avoiding
giving deserved compliments to you

___
Brooding
and sulking when around you

___
Changing
your passwords linked to financial accounts

___
Denying
your request to leave when you ask

___
Displaying
continual irritability around you

___
Disrespecting
your rights, opinions, or feelings

___
Failing
to return to your home at a reasonable time

___
Forbidding
access to your money, checkbook, and credit cards

___
Holding back
appropriate attention from you

___
Keeping
you from getting help to overcome an addiction

___
Manipulating
your children

___
Monitoring
all of your computer usage

___
Neglecting
your important family gatherings

___
Refusing
to express true feelings with you

___
Rejecting
your need for emotional support

___
Resisting
helping you with the children

___
Stopping
you from receiving important information

___
Unwillingness
to take a fair share of responsibility with you

___
Using
the “silent treatment” against you

___
Withholding
a listening ear from you or a response requested by you

The psalmist describes the feelings of the person who is emotionally abused:

“My soul is in anguish…I am…utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart”

(P
SALM
6:3; 38:8).

Aggressive emotional abuse
is characterized by:

___
Blocking
the doorway when you are arguing

___
Breaking
promises to you or not keeping agreements

___
Checking
up on you continually

___
Damaging
your treasured items

___
Demanding
that you behave adoringly in public—after abusing you

___
Driving
recklessly to instill fear in you

___
Expressing
excessive anger toward you

___
Forbidding
your necessary medical treatment

___
Harassing
you with unwanted phone calls

___
Hiding
your car keys as a means of control

___
Interfering
with your work

___
Interrupting
your sleep

___
Intimidating
you with threatening gestures or body language

___
Isolating
you from family and friends

___
Making
unwanted visits to you

___
Manipulating
your decision making

___
Monitoring
all of your phone calls

___
Prohibiting
your participation in major decisions

___
Stalking
you

___
Suspecting
your activities with excessive jealousy

___
Threatening
you with weapons

The psalmist describes the aggressive emotional abuser:

“In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises”

(P
SALM
10:2).

Physical abuse
involves a person’s use of physical size, strength, presence, or position to control or hurt someone else. It often begins with verbal threats of physical harm, such as “You’ll wish you had never been born!” and escalates to actual physical abuse, in which the threats become reality.

The first act of violence—with no immediate repercussion—makes it easier for the abuser to be violent again. Once the taboo is broken—“never hit a woman”—minor attacks can escalate into major assaults. Place a check mark (
) beside any of the following behaviors that you have committed or that you have received.

Acts of violence
include:

The Bible warns us to stay away from those who are violent:

“Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company;
for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble”

(P
ROVERBS
24:1-2).