How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (50 page)

IV. Steps to Solution

A. A Key Verse to Memorize

B. A Key Passage to Read and Reread

C. How to Correct the Confusion

D. How to Know Whether Your Husband Has Really Changed

E. How to Pay the Price of Reconciliation

F. How to Build Healthy Boundaries

G. How to Prepare a Safety Plan for Leaving

H. How to Protect Yourself Outside the Home

I. How to Use the Law in the United States

J. How to Realize Your Biblical Bill of Rights

K. How to Clarify the Church’s Role and Reinforce Christlike Responses

L. How to Respond to Wife Abuse as a Pastor or Parishioner

M. How to Promote Positive Action from the Pulpit

N. How to Follow Do’s and Don’ts as a Friend

WIFE ABUSE

He is prominent and highly esteemed, praised for his significant contributions to the community. What woman wouldn’t feel fortunate to be his wife? She certainly has all the finer things in life. And the children have the best that money can buy. How could she think of destroying such a picture-perfect family? How could she risk losing her security or stepping into an unknown future?

Where would she go? What could she do? How would she support herself? Even worse, if she began to expose the terrible truth, would she lose the children?

She felt so hopeless. Who would believe her? No one could conceive that such a pillar of the community could pummel his wife night after night with painful punches.

She was skilled at hiding her feelings as well as her bruises. With swollen, tear-stained eyes, she wrongfully reasoned,
It’s mostly my fault anyway!

But her Creator God knew the undeniable truth.

“You hear, O L
ORD
, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth,
may terrify no more”

(P
SALM
10:17-18).

God designed the marriage relationship to balance, to benefit, to better both the husband and the wife. With the first marriage on earth, He created
Eve to be the perfect companion for Adam. He intended the pair to love, honor, and cherish each other all the days of their lives, and His intention is still the same for every married couple today.

But in too many homes around the world, the marriage
bond
has become
bondage
—shared lives have become shattered by abuse. Husbands are berating, belittling, and betraying their wives. Yet these assaults are kept hidden from the outside world. The sacred relationship created by God has been undermined by one mate hurting or even harming the other.

Any form of abuse is a flagrant violation of the marriage vow, “To have and to hold from this day forward…to love and to cherish, ‘til death do us part.” And although such abuse usually takes place behind closed doors, it is blatantly evident before the eyes of the Lord.

“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight.
Everything is uncovered and laid bare
before the eyes of him to whom we must give account”

(H
EBREWS
4:13).

While abusive acts are committed by both husbands and wives, in cases of domestic violence approximately 95 percent of the victims are women.
¹
Although abusive treatment has a long history of being tolerated—socially and even legally—abuse has always grieved the heart of God.

In certain countries, wife beating is considered a cultural norm. The majority of health-care workers in such countries, both male and female, condone husbands using physical force against their wives under certain circumstances, which results in abused women receiving little or no emotional support from the national health-care system. For example, if a Turkish wife criticizes her husband, the public supports his inflicting her with painful blows as her rightful punishment.
²

Often, women in other countries who suffer abuse get little help from those around them, but help is available from Someone above them. God promises to stay close to the brokenhearted, to show compassion to the abused and to comfort them.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

(P
SALM
147:3).

•
Abuse
means “to mistreat, hurt, or injure.”
³

•
Abuse
and
violence
are often used interchangeably, although the word violence implies an escalation of abuse and introduces the element of fear of harm as a means of control.
⁴

•
Violence,
in Hebrew, is most often a translation of the word
chamas
, which means “to wrong” or “treat violently.”
⁵
Chamas
is also translated as “malicious, destroy, wrong, crime, ruthless, plunder,” and “terror.”
⁶

God feels strong opposition against anyone who is
abusive or violent toward another. “ ‘I hate a man’s covering
himself with violence…’ says the L
ORD
Almighty”

(
MALACHI 2:16
).

•
Domestic violence
and
family violence
are the legal terms for physical spousal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse, or any other type of physical abuse that takes place within the home or family.
⁷

•
Domestic violence
refers to a pattern of coercive and violent behavior exercised by one adult in an intimate relationship with another.
⁸

•
Domestic violence
is
not
an issue of “marriage problems” or “irreconcilable differences” solved by “conflict resolution.” This kind of abuse…

A —Affects
everyone in the family

B —Bridges
all levels in society: racial, religious, geographic, and economic

U —Undermines
the value of others

S —Seeks
to dominate others

E —Escalates
in intensity and frequency

Spiritual leaders, community officials, family, and friends need to be responsive when informed of spousal abuse. Abuse of any kind should never
be tolerated nor hidden under the cover of male supremacy or “godly submission.” To the contrary, the God of the Bible is a God of refuge, a stronghold of support and defense against violence:

“My rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent men you save me”

(2 S
AMUEL
22:3).

Abuse and Punishment for Sins

Q
UESTION
:
“Would God condone my husband’s abusing me in order to punish me for my sins?”

A
NSWER
:
No. While Scripture repeatedly shows God using one nation to bring judgment on another nation, there is not a single instance in which God used the violence of one mate to punish the other mate. God hates sin, and abuse is sin. The truth is:

•
An abusive mate is abusive simply as a result of choosing wrong over right.

•
While you may be the
recipient
of your husband’s abuse, you are not the
reason
for that abuse. The violence of your husband exposes his sinfulness, not your sinfulness.

God’s instruction for all of us is to…

“Do what is just and right…Do no wrong or violence”

(J
EREMIAH
22:3).

The All-American Abuser: The O.J. Simpson Story

He could be charming…and
chilling.

He could bedazzle the crowd on the football field, yet belittle, berate, and beat his wife behind closed doors. Local police reports documented numerous trips to their home for incidents such as hitting her, kicking her, smashing family photos, throwing her to the
ground, pushing her out of a moving car, throwing her clothes out of the house, bashing her car with a baseball bat, and repeatedly stalking her.
⁹

In 1994, Orenthal James Simpson—the all-star running back and pro football Hall of Famer more commonly known as O.J. or “The Juice”—stunned the world when he was arrested on the charge of murdering his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman.
¹⁰

A pretrial hearing disclosed that Nicole had been victimized by O.J. for 17 years, with more than 50 allegations of spouse abuse. In 1989, for example, O.J. pleaded no contest to beating his wife and threatening to kill her. He was sentenced only to probation, fined $700, and ordered to perform community service.

Two years before her murder, Nicole filed for divorce from O.J., citing an abusive relationship. She was hoping that by no longer living under the same roof with O.J. the brutal cycle of abuse would stop. While divorce papers and restraining orders were legally designed to “shut the door” to Nicole, the legendary running back believed he had the right to bust through the door anytime he wanted.

On one such occasion, police officers were summoned to Nicole’s home. They found her cowering in the bushes in her front yard—bloodied and terrorized—wearing nothing but a bra and sweatpants. Nicole wanted the police to charge O.J. with breaking and entering. Instead, they assured
him
they would keep the incident as quiet “as legally possible”—after all, he was their hero.

Nicole’s words to the officers that day revealed her all-too-frequent and frustrating plight: “You never do anything. You always come here and you never arrest him.”
¹¹
Nicole actually found herself caught in
two
cycles of abuse: She was suffering first at the hands of an unpredictably violent ex-husband, and second at the hands of an apathetic, neglectful police force.

On October 3, 1995, following what was described as the most publicized criminal trial in history, the stunning verdict reverberated around the world: O.J.—acquitted! A virtually airtight case, plus a sordid police record of wife battering, convinced countless millions of people who watched on television that a guilty verdict was assured. Instead, Simpson walked out of the Los Angeles County courtroom a free man.

Free? Just 20 days later the civil trial began. It concluded on February 4, 1996, with the jury finding that O.J. willfully and wrongfully caused the death of Ron Goldman and that he had committed battery with malice and oppression against the two victims. The jury found O.J. liable and awarded the plaintiffs $8.5 million in damages.

At the root of O.J.’s abusive nature was jealous possessiveness. The beatings were intended to rein in Nicole—to control her, to show her who was really in charge of her life. Experts in domestic violence believe this possessiveness manifested itself in the methodology employed in the murders: Ron’s body was marked with torturous taser wounds, and ultimately both he and Nicole were viciously slashed across their throats.
¹²

The Bible says husbands are to love their wives sincerely and sacrificially. But O.J.’s interpretation of love justified his violence as revealed by his own words. In an inconceivably bizarre quote in a Florida newspaper, O.J. said, “Let’s say I committed this crime…Even if I did do this, it would have been because I loved her very much, right?”
¹³

While this infamous criminal case did little to stir O.J.’s conscience, other men were deeply impacted—
and perhaps just in time
. One fax received by Simpson’s prosecutors simply read, “You may have just saved my wife’s life, for as I listened to you describing Simpson’s abuse, I recognized myself.”
¹⁴

Our ministry at Hope for the Heart offers written and recorded resources on over 100 topics. During 1995, the number one resource requested by people was our material on wife abuse. And the most common response to our
Biblical Counseling Keys
on wife abuse has been, “I haven’t known what to say or do. Now I’ve found real help!”