How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (55 page)

The way couples relate to each other often mirrors the way their parents related to each other. Most behavioral patterns—both positive and negative—are learned.

In abusive marriages, typically the husband, the wife, or both grew up in an abusive home where conflict resolution skills were not practiced. Therefore, a hostile, abusive environment was “normal” to them.

They didn’t realize back then that
their normal
wasn’t normal, and they don’t realize now that their normal isn’t normal. Sin patterns can be generational, but every succeeding generation has the ability to stop the cycle of abuse that has come down from one generation to the next—with God’s help. The God of the Bible says,

“My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge”

(H
OSEA
4:6).

Behavior does not come out of a vacuum, but out of a person’s heart, environment, and personal experience. Each person is born with a propensity toward self-will and is raised in an environment that either promotes violence and abuse or promotes love and respect. Beliefs about God, self, and others are formed, and behavior naturally follows.

Research has indicated that young boys who witness violence between
their parents triple their chances of becoming abusive husbands. The home where a woman is devalued and traumatized becomes a more impactful model for inciting violence in boys than does being assaulted as a teenager. It is estimated that more than three million children are witnesses to spouse abuse in the United States each year as their parents fail to heed the wise words of the writer of Proverbs:
²³

“Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old [mature] he will not turn from it”

(P
ROVERBS
22:6).

The abuser does what he does because:

— He grew up watching abuse between his parents.

— He experienced abuse as a child.

— He views people as possessions rather than persons.

— He “loves things and uses people” instead of loving people and using things.

— He has not been taught how to love.

— He understands love to be conditional—if she pleases him, she will avoid his wrath and vindictiveness.

— He thinks he has the right to control her.

— He thinks he has the right to use force on her.

— He fears she could be unfaithful.

— He fears losing her.

— He becomes angry when she shows weakness.

— He sees himself as a victim.

— He thinks she has taken power from him.

— He blames her for his low self-esteem.

— He believes his power demonstrates his superiority.

— He wants to feel significant and in control.

— He possesses an unbiblical view of submission and authority.

— He handles stress immaturely.

— He has few or no coping skills.

— He thinks violence is the way to get even or to retaliate.

— He has learned that violence and other forms of abuse work.

— He hasn’t suffered strong enough repercussions to deter him.

The writer of Ecclesiastes explains the impact on an abuser’s heart when consequences are delayed:

“When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out,
the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong”

(E
CCLESIASTES
8:11).

The beliefs that people carry are what give birth to their behaviors. The problem, then, is obvious: Abusers and those they abuse have
faulty beliefs
about their relationships. Therefore, they both engage in
faulty behaviors
toward one another.

Of all the distorted beliefs swirling in the heads of abusive husbands, two primary factors agitate those distortions and spawn violent behavior.
Anger
: His wife fails to “measure up” on any number of fronts, thus fanning the flames of fury.
Blame
: His wife is allegedly the cause of his unhappiness, his losses, his failed friendships, etc., and the list could go on and on.

Distorted beliefs, a dangerous mind-set, and a difficult situation are all it takes to light the fuse for abuse and cause an explosion. False accusations and out-of-control anger are not the ways of God; however, they do reflect the ways of abusers:

“They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations”

(P
SALM
35:20).

Some distorted beliefs include:

— Abuse is normal in relationships.

— Jealousy and possessiveness are characteristics of love.

— Beatings demonstrate caring concern.

— Sex is better after a fight.

— Men need to prove their masculinity, to always be in charge.

— Women need to be controlled, to be kept in line.

— Husbands have the right to control their wives.

— Women deserve to be mistreated.

These erroneous beliefs can be countered with God’s truth and by praying,

“Teach me knowledge and good judgment,
for I believe in your commands”

(P
SALM
119:66).

Those who grew up in healthy, nonabusive homes have no frame of reference for those who bow to abuse. But those who grew up in abusive homes know all too well the reasons the abused not only allow abuse, but also stay with their abusers. They understand the mentality because it is
their mentality.
They lived it as children, and now they are living it as adults. They are caught in the snare of abuse.

However, the Bible makes it clear:

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the L
ORD
is kept safe”

(P
ROVERBS
29:25).

An abused wife chooses
not
to leave her husband for a variety of reasons—reasons that are understood by all who have stood in her shoes, walked down her street, shared in her sorrows. She doesn’t leave because of what she firmly believes and falsely feels.

She doesn’t leave because of…
²⁴

•
What she fully believes:

— She believes she doesn’t have a biblical right to separate in order to achieve a healthy relationship.

— She believes abuse is normal and she must accept it.

— She believes she must protect the family image at all costs.

— She believes family “problems” are private and can’t be shared.

— She believes she has to stay because of what spiritual leaders say.

— She believes the promises of her husband to never do it again.

— She believes being a peace-at-any-price person is being loyal and godly.

— She believes her husband and children are all she has.

— She believes biblical submission in marriage permits abuse.

— She believes there are no organizations or services to help her.

•
What she falsely feels:

— She feels helpless, as if she has no power to leave or make it on her own.

— She feels she has no real worth or value.

— She feels manipulated by threats of suicide.

— She feels she deserves to be abused and blames herself.

— She feels isolated from supportive people.

— She feels too much shame to tell about the abuse.

— She feels she is not heard or understood when she does share.

— She feels others don’t want to hear about the abuse.

— She feels that explaining the details of the abuse again costs too much.

— She feels that having two parents in an unhealthy relationship is better for the children than having only one healthy parent.

•
What she firmly fears:

— She fears if she tells and then he changes, people won’t for give him.

— She fears what her husband will do if she leaves.

— She fears he will take their children.

— She fears he will divorce her and she will become a single parent.

— She fears the financial consequences of separation or divorce.

— She fears living all alone.

— She fears being dependent on others for help.

— She fears the stigma of people learning about her abuse.

— She fears she is “crazy” because she is continually told she is.

The abused need to cry out to God,

“Ensure your servant’s well-being;
let not the arrogant oppress me”

(P
SALM
119:122).

Separation Without Divorce

Q
UESTION
:
“If a wife separates from her husband, is she not ultimately divorcing her husband or at least opening the door to divorce?”

A
NSWER
:
No, the husband is the one who has opened the door to separation by his violence—not the wife. He is accountable to God for his sin as well as the consequences of his sin.

•
Separation is not divorce and does not open the door to divorce, but instead opens the door to safety and obedience to God.

•
Separation is siding with God regarding His hatred of violence: “The L
ORD
examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates” (Psalm 11:5).

•
Separation from an abusive husband is trusting God to do what is best for her marriage rather than trusting in anything she might do. She takes literally the Bible’s promise to her: “Trust in the L
ORD
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

It is one of the most difficult things she will ever do, and it is one of the best things she could ever do.

Leaving
—taking that crucial step to curtail the cycle of abuse—benefits everyone involved and ushers in the opportunity for a fresh, new beginning. The wife no longer lives in fear or faces abuse in her own home. The husband can better grasp the gravity of the abusive situation and seek biblical counseling. The children are protected and spared further trauma from witnessing their father abuse their mother.

But it is by no means easy for a wife to walk away from the abuser. It is
critical to enlist a supportive circle of friends who can help her maintain her resolve and help meet her needs during such a vulnerable time. And above all, she needs to seek the guiding, protective hand of God to give her the grace and strength to take that first step out the door.

“I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you”

(I
SAIAH
46:4).

She leaves because:

— She finally realizes her husband won’t change if circumstances remain the same.

— She understands that leaving may be the only way to motivate him to change.

— She can now see him acting on his threats of severe physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

— She sees his abuse is occurring more frequently.

— She sees he has begun to abuse the children.

— She wants to prevent their children from adopting abusive mind-sets and behaviors.

— She has found help through friends, family, a church, or professional organizations.

— She realizes it is not God’s will for anyone to be abused.

— She is afraid for her life or the lives of her children if they stay.

— She realizes there is a thin line between threats and homicide.

She needs to continuously pray,

“O righteous God,
who searches minds and hearts,
bring to an end the violence of the wicked
and make the righteous secure”

(P
SALM
7:9).

Scripture reveals that many times godly people did separate physically
from their ungodly authorities because submission would have caused those godly people to violate God’s standard or revealed will. Biblically, Christians are called to submit to governing authorities, unless doing so would lead to sin or harm. Notice that…