How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (30 page)

•
Resist becoming defensive.

•
Resist retreating into a shell.

•
Resist playing the familiar victim-martyr role.

•
Resist seeking retaliation.

The Bible says,

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone”

(R
OMANS
12:17-18).

5. V
IEW THE
A
BUSIVE
P
ERSON FROM
G
OD’S
P
ERSPECTIVE

•
See the person as someone for whom Christ died.

•
See the person as having God-given worth.

•
See the person as capable of being changed by Christ.

•
See the person as having legitimate God-given needs that God alone can meet and that God is willing to meet.

The Bible says,

“Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

(E
PHESIANS
4:2).

6. L
OVE
U
NCONDITIONALLY

•
Love is not a feeling, but a commitment to do what is right.

•
Love looks for legitimate ways to meet the needs of another.

•
Love seeks to do what is in the best interests of another.

•
Love says, “I care about our relationship, and I will work to make it a positive, healthy one.”

The Bible says,

“Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs”

(P
ROVERBS
10:12).

7. P
RACTICE A
P
OWERFUL
P
RAYER
L
IFE

•
Remember that God cares about both of you more than you care about each other.

•
Remember that prayer is the surest path to healing and wholeness.

•
Remember that you need to pray for healing for both you and your abuser.

•
Remember to thank God for all that He is teaching you in the midst of this trying time.

The Bible says,

“Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:17-18).

You can curtail verbal and emotional abuse by developing a plan to prevent yourself from being controlled. You cannot change another person, but you can change yourself so that the abusive tactics used on you in the past are no longer effective and cease to ensnare you. As you determine the appropriate boundaries, realize that these boundaries are designed to guard your soul—your mind, will, and emotions. The Bible says,

“In the paths of the wicked lie thorns and snares,
but he who guards his soul stays far from them”

(P
ROVERBS
22:5).

Determining Your Plan of Action

1.
State clearly, in a conversation or a letter, what you are willing to accept and not accept from the abuser.
¹⁹

— Communicate your position in a positive way.

— Do not justify yourself. Do not be apologetic, just state the boundary:

— “I want our relationship to continue, but…

…I am not willing to listen to your name-calling.”

…I am not willing to hear your accusations concerning (
name
) any longer.”

— Talking negatively is counterproductive.

…“I am not willing to be controlled by your silent treatment any longer.”

— Keep your statements short and succinct.

Remember:

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered”

(P
ROVERBS
17:27).

2.
Announce the consequence you will enforce if the abuser violates your requests.

— Your response should be a matter of separating yourself from the abuser.

— You cannot change the abuser’s behavior, but you can remove yourself from frequent exposure to unacceptable behavior.

— “I want to visit with you, but…

…if you call me a name again, I will leave for a period of time.”

…if you persist in making that accusation, I will end our conversation.”

…if you give me the silent treatment, I will go and find someone else to talk with.”

— Consequences are part of God’s divine plan.

Remember:

“A man reaps what he sows”

(G
ALATIANS
6:7).

3.
Enforce the consequence every single time abuse occurs.

— Do not bluff! The abuser needs to know that you are going to act consistently on your words.

— Plan on the abuser testing you multiple times.

— In your mind and heart…

• Say
no
to manipulation.

• Say
no
to pressure.

• Say
no
to control.

— Eventually your abuser will stop using an abusive tactic—but only after that tactic proves ineffective.

Remember:

“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no”

(J
AMES
5:12).

4.
Hold your ground and absolutely do not negotiate.

— Because verbal abusers do not use words fairly, negotiation will not work.

— Instead of being willing to talk out the problem, your abuser will seek to wear you out.

— Simply state that when the behavior stops, you look forward to a renewed relationship.

• “I am not willing to discuss this topic any longer.”

• “I have stated clearly what I will not accept.”

• “When you are ready to respect my requests, let me
know. I look forward to enjoying being together at that time.”

— Keep your words brief and to the point.

Remember:

“When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise”

(P
ROVERBS
10:19).

5.
Respond when your boundary is violated—never react on gut emotion or out of anger.

— Expect the abuser to violate your boundary, but don’t react.

— Expect the abuser to violate your boundary again…and again! But don’t react.

— If you react, you will find yourself back under the control of the abuser.

— Respond by detaching yourself from the abuser and enforcing your repercussions.

• Do not
cry
because you feel hurt.

• Do not
beg
because you feel fearful.

• Do not
explode
because you feel frustrated.

Remember:

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools”

(E
CCLESIASTES
7:8-9).

6.
Solicit the support of one or two wise, objective people to help you through this process.

— Include supporters as you analyze and identify the problem.

— Include supporters as you determine how to articulate your plan.

— Include supporters as you enforce the repercussions.

— Include supporters—friend, mentor, counselor—to help you through this critical period.

• Discuss the situation with your supporters.

• Discuss the tactics used on you.

• Discuss the plan of action.

Remember:

“Listen to advice and accept instruction,
and in the end you will be wise”

(P
ROVERBS
19:20).

The time it takes to defuse a volatile, abusive relationship is limited. But during that limited time…

•
Expect manipulative maneuvers and emotional ups and downs.

•
Assume your actions will make the abuser angry.

•
Allow your abuser to react without reacting yourself.

•
Do not seek to placate this person—it won’t work.

Think of this time period as comparable to having surgery. It is a painful experience, but it provides the only hope for healing and having a new, healthy relationship.

Remember:

“The tongue of the wise brings healing”

(P
ROVERBS
12:18).

Although victims of verbal and emotional abuse generally feel inadequate and powerless to stop an abusive relationship, appropriate confrontation is often necessary to defuse such abuse. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Wishful thinking won’t make it better. And believing that loyalty means remaining quiet is dangerously erroneous.

When hurtful words and actions are exposed as unacceptable and viewed as intolerable, the foundation is laid for change to occur. That change will come slowly and will likely be met with much resistance by the abuser. When
power is the goal and control is at stake, an unrepentant abuser will repeatedly change tactics in an attempt to maneuver around each boundary you set, always looking for some way to put you in a position to be manipulated. To remain silent in such a relationship is not love but fear, and is harmful rather than helpful.
²⁰

According to God’s Word…

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love”

(P
ROVERBS
27:5).

•
Emotional abuse can go on for years
before victims realize the dynamic in the relationship isn’t normal.

•
Abusers are calculating, and their behavior is deliberate.
It is designed to keep them in control.

•
Much of your discouragement will begin to dissipate
once your eyes are opened to the tactical behavior of the abuser. Only then will you be able to establish a more level playing field.

Heed the words of the wisest man who ever lived on earth:

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance”

(P
ROVERBS
1:5).

•
Communicate that you will no longer be treated with disrespect.

“I feel greatly disrespected because of the way you are treating me. I will not stay here if you continue to disrespect me.”

•
Specify what behavior is unacceptable.

“I won’t continue to talk with you if you continually interrupt me.”

•
Refuse to accept excuses and reasons for repeated inconsiderate behavior.

Suppose the other person says, “I didn’t mean to be late; some people I needed to see came by.” You can respond in a firm but
pleasant tone, “That does not make what you did acceptable because you could have phoned me. From now on—unless you call—I will go on with my plans without you.”

The Bible says,

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones”

(P
ROVERBS
16:24).

•
Speak up as soon as the abuser begins to change the subject
or to twist your words around to mean something other than what you intended.

“You just changed the meaning of my words. I didn’t say that. What I said was (_______). Now, what are you hearing me say?”

•
Repeat back to the abuser
the incorrect or unreasonable words said to you.