How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (33 page)
Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I release the bitterness toward my abuser, who is now dead?”
A
NSWER
:
Although you cannot confront your abuser in person, you can indirectly confront by saying
what you would want to say
(or need to say) as though your abuser is in front of you.
•
Consider the “chair technique.” Imagine the person seated in a chair placed in front of you. Say the things you would say to the person if you were actually seated across a table from him. Express your feelings about what was done to you and the ramifications it had on your life. Then forgive the person and explain that you have taken the person off of your emotional hook and placed the person onto God’s hook.
•
Write a letter to your abuser stating every painful memory and read it over the person’s grave or at a place where you can openly “speak” to the person as though you were in his presence. Then at the close, choose to forgive by releasing your abuser into the hands of God.
•
Make a list of all painful as well as positive memories. After completing the list, go back to the beginning and write the word
past
next to each memory. Acknowledge and accept that the past is in the past. Release all the pain as well as the person into the hands of God.
The fact that your abuser has died does not mean that you cannot forgive
and therefore bitterness will remain lodged in your heart and mind. You
can
forgive. The Bible says,
“See to it that no one misses the grace of God
and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”
(H
EBREWS
12:15).
Recovery—healing—is a process that occurs over time and is a result of hard, productive work. Rarely is it accomplished in a moment or in a single experience. But regardless of the time frame, victory is assured for those who have entrusted their lives to Jesus.
“The L
ORD
…
holds victory in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones”
(P
ROVERBS
2:6-8).
We can sum up all the practical insights and suggested solutions for recovery in nine steps that are illustrated in the following confessions:
“I recognize that I am powerless to heal my damaged emotions resulting from abuse, and I look to God for the power to make me whole.”
“I acknowledge that God’s plan for my life includes victory over my experiences of abuse.”
“The person who abused me is responsible for the acts committed against me and for the words spoken to me. I will not accept the guilt and the shame resulting from those acts or words.”
“I am looking to God and His Word to find my identity as a worthwhile and loved human being.”
“I am honestly sharing my feelings with God and with at least one other person as I try to identify those areas in need of cleansing and healing.”
“I am accepting responsibility for the ways I have responded to abuse.”
“I am willing to accept God’s help in moving forward to forgive myself and those who have offended me, and to trust Him in the process of doing so.”
“I am willing to mature in my relationship with God and with others.”
“I am willing to let God use me as an instrument of His healing and restoration in the lives of others.”
By faith, I claim the words of the psalmist:
“You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O L
ORD
my God, I will give you thanks forever”
(P
SALM
30:11-12).
Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can break
your heart. Therefore, guard your heart against the hurting words
of others and open your heart to the healing words of God.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse—Answers in God’s Word
Q
UESTION
:
“Does God expect me to live at peace with everyone—even abusive people?”
A
NSWER
:
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in
the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18).
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I avoid conceit so that I won’t look only to my own interests?”
A
NSWER
:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).
Q
UESTION
:
“Why should I give thanks in the midst of all circumstances?”
A
NSWER
:
“Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18).
Q
UESTION
:
“How much power does the tongue have?”
A
NSWER
:
“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21).
Q
UESTION
:
“What do reckless words do? What can bring healing?”
A
NSWER
:
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
Q
UESTION
:
“Is there any hope or a future for me?”
A
NSWER
:
“ ‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Q
UESTION
:
“Should I ever rebuke an abuser?”
A
NSWER
:
“He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue” (Proverbs 28:23).
Q
UESTION
:
“How should I pray for the Lord to heal me?”
A
NSWER
:
“Heal me, O L
ORD
, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved” (Jeremiah 17:14).
Q
UESTION
:
“Why do I need to forgive others?”
A
NSWER
:
“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).
Q
UESTION
:
“What will happen if I have more fear of people than trust in the Lord?”
A
NSWER
:
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the L
ORD
is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25).
Victory over the Victim Mentality
I. Definitions of Victimization
B. What Victims Are Mentioned in the Bible?
C. What Is the Victim Mentality?
D. What Questions Do Victims Ask God?
E. What Is God’s Heart for the Victim?
II. Characteristics of the Victim Mentality
A. What Is the Profile of a Victimized Person?
B. What Are the Standard Statements of Victims?
C. What Are Some Emotional Side Effects of Victimization?
D. What Are Some Physical and Mental Side Effects of Victimization?
E. What Are Some Spiritual Side Effects of Victimization?
F. What Are Some Self-defeating Survival Skills?
G. What Are the Victim’s Broken Boundaries?
H. What Are the Victim’s Codependent Tendencies?
III. Causes of a Victim Mentality
A. Why Does Setting Up Spiritual Walls Lead to a Victim Mentality?
B. Why Does Erecting Emotional Walls Lead to a Victim Mentality?
C. Why Does Raising Relational Walls Lead to a Victim Mentality?
D. Why Does Fostering Fear Lead to a Victim Mentality?
E. Why Does Victimization Lead to Codependency?
F. What Is the Root Cause of a Victim Mentality?
B. A Key Passage to Read and Reread
D. How to Free Yourself from Unresolved Anger
E. How to Find the Key to Your Locked Prison Cage
F. How to Break the Cycle of Rejection
G. How to Conquer Irrational Fear
H. How to Purge Yourself of Perfectionism
I. How to Define and Deal with Guilt and Shame
J. How to Claim Your Identity in Christ
K. How to Know Your Real Self-worth
L. How to Construct a New Chain of Events
M. How to Support Survivors on the Road to Becoming Overcomers
Here they come again
…those painful memories that permeate your heart and pummel your thoughts and emotions. You feel caught like a frightened bird in a cage with no way to freedom. It happened so long ago. You had hoped to move on, yet once again your heart feels like it is under attack, as though arrows were whizzing through the iron bars on your cage and piercing your heart with deep, debilitating pain.
Do you live your life trying to cope with a crippling crisis from your past, hoping to somehow get beyond it, to forget it? Well, the good news is that God wants so much more for you than just to
cope.
He wants to help you
overcome
your painful past and
conquer
the destructive patterns that have developed in your life as a result of your past victimization. He wants you to grow in maturity through His grace and to reach out and help others in similar pain.
You don’t have to remain captive to your feelings of powerlessness. God wants to set you free from the cage that has far too long held you captive and robbed you of peace. He offers you His power for healing and changing. And when you experience true healing and personal transformation, you also gain true freedom. Like a bird out of a cage, you can experience freedom today and have bright hope for tomorrow! All because of the fact that…
“it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then,
and do not let yourselves be burdened
again by a yoke of slavery”
(G
ALATIANS
5:1).
EFINITIONS OF
V
ICTIMIZATION
She was the daughter of a king, but she became a desolate woman. Her position guaranteed a lifetime of honor and recognition, but instead she spent most of her life in seclusion and disgrace.
Tamar’s earlier years were characterized by beauty and innocence. These qualities about her captivated and tortured a certain young man, her half brother, Amnon. “Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her” (2 Samuel 13:2).
But Amnon’s shrewd cousin came up with a plan that made the impossible possible.