How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (32 page)

Step #5: Appropriate God’s Will for Your Life

Are your emotions and will dominated by a strong, controlling personality? Close the door on your fear of displeasing others, particularly your abuser, by establishing boundaries. Begin to redefine your own, separate identity by daily choosing to live according to God’s will.

“You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,
but you received the Spirit of sonship.
And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’”

(R
OMANS
8:15).

God’s Will for You

•
God’s will is that you be treated with respect.

“Show proper respect to everyone”

(1 P
ETER
2:17).

•
God’s will is that you be heard and taken seriously.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak”

(J
AMES
1:19).

•
God’s will is that you express appropriate anger toward others and that anger toward you be expressed appropriately.

“In your anger do not sin”

(E
PHESIANS
4:26).

•
God’s will is that you participate in and benefit from mutual submission.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”

(E
PHESIANS
5:21).

•
God’s will is that you speak truthfully from your heart and that others speak truthfully to you.

“Each of you must put off falsehood and
speak truthfully to his neighbor”

(E
PHESIANS
4:25).

•
God’s will is that you be allowed to make mistakes and to take responsibility for them, and that others take responsibility for their mistakes as well. The apostle Paul wrote,

“Not that I have already obtained all this,
or have already been made perfect,
but I press on to take hold of that for
which Christ Jesus took hold of me”

(P
HILIPPIANS
3:12).

•
God’s will is that you be able to say no without feeling guilty.

“Say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions”

(T
ITUS
2:12).

•
God’s will is that you refuse that which violates your conscience.

“I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man”

(A
CTS
24:16).

•
God’s will is that you give and receive only justifiable rebukes.

“He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor
than he who has a flattering tongue”

(P
ROVERBS
28:23).

•
God’s will is that you appeal to a higher authority if need be. The apostle Paul, when slandered by Jewish leaders, said,

“If the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true,
no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!”

(A
CTS
25:11).

•
God’s will is that you remove yourself from an abusive situation.

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man,
do not associate with one easily angered”

(P
ROVERBS
22:24).

•
God’s will is that you seek emotional and spiritual support from others.

“Let us not give up meeting together…
but let us encourage one another”

(H
EBREWS
10:25).

Dealing with Hurtful Words

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I deal with the hurtful things my husband says to me?”

A
NSWER
:
When things are peaceful between the two of you, ask, “If we could have a better relationship with each other, would you want it?” When your spouse responds affirmatively, say, “I want that too. But sometimes we get into verbal battles that are not best for us or for the kids. So I’ve decided just to step out of the room when that happens in the future and then come back later. I’m going to do this because spoken words cannot be taken back any more than toothpaste squeezed out can be put back into the tube.”

“Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse”

(P
ROVERBS
2:12).

No one escapes the pain of a broken heart. In the Hebrew text of the Old Testament, the word translated “brokenhearted” can also mean “shattered.”
²³
And no one lives very long in this fallen world without experiencing that shattering and the all-encompassing pain that accompanies it.

Many never heal from heartbreak because they avoid dealing with their pain by blocking out, denying, or burying the memories. But the path the Lord has prepared will heal your deepest hurts if you allow Him into the innermost part of your heart so He can spread His soothing balm throughout your entire being—spirit, soul, and body.

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.
May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless
at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
5:23-24).

The first step for you to take on the Lord’s path toward healing is to enter into a loving relationship with Him. To help you understand the relationship that God wants to have with you, there are four points from His Word that you need to know. You’ll find them in the appendix on pages 411–13.

Whether you are a new believer or you’ve been one for years, the path to healing is a process that takes time. As you walk with the Lord, ask Him to help you take these steps toward healing.

•
Give your heart to the Lord, allowing Him to be your Deliverer.

— Acknowledge your inability to heal yourself and accept the fact that God is the source of all growth and healing.

— Realize that the abuse you have suffered may have altered your brain chemistry and created some physical problems.

— Ask the Lord to heal your past pain and soothe your soul as you take refuge in Him and draw on His strength.

“The L
ORD
is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge”

(P
SALM
18:2).

•
Know that you are never alone.

— Realize that everyone experiences loneliness and pain—it’s part of the path of life.

— Continually thank the Lord that He is always with you.

— Build a network of friends who care about you and who will support you both spiritually and emotionally.

“The L
ORD
himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”

(D
EUTERONOMY
31:8).

•
Search for the truth.

— Discern the truth about what has caused your past wounds and your present struggles.

— Search out the truths of God’s Word that will help strengthen and encourage you.

— Seek truths from biblical principles and the wise counsel of trustworthy people to aid you in understanding and addressing your situation.

“Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long”

(P
SALM
25:5).

•
Address your legitimate emotional needs.
²⁴

— Understand that you have three God-given needs—for love, for significance, and for security.

— Understand that proper self-esteem comes from viewing yourself through God’s eyes.

— Understand that God never withholds His love from you, though you may not have felt that you were loved by your parents or your spouse.

“You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love”

(N
EHEMIAH
9:17).

•
Pay attention to your feelings and perceptions.

— See the abuse for what it is—actual abuse!

— Know that you are not going crazy; you are not going nuts.

— If you felt abused, acknowledge that what happened is unacceptable.

“You will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free”

(J
OHN
8:32).

•
Clear your mind of confusion.

— Realize that you have been a victim of confusing, mixed messages.

— Seek help from a safe, trustworthy person to sort through the confusing words and to distinguish the truths from the lies.

— Refuse to be confused if the abuser attempts to reverse the blame onto you or counters what you are saying.

“God is not a God of confusion but of peace”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
14:33
ESV
).

•
Acknowledge your destructive feelings.

— Make a list of any destructive thoughts and emotions, such as bitterness, hatred, a desire for revenge, or an unwillingness to forgive.

— Be honest with God about these. He knows you have them, and He understands why.

— Ask God to cleanse you from all destructive feelings and attitudes.

“Cleanse me with hyssop,
and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow”

(P
SALM
51:7).

•
Forgive your abuser.

— List each offense committed against you by each abuser.

— Release each offense and the pain it caused into the hands of God.

— Choose, as an act of your will, to release each abuser to God for His judgment.

“Bear with each other and forgive
whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you”

(C
OLOSSIANS
3:13).

•
Allow yourself to grieve.

— Write down all the losses that have occurred in your life.

— Allow yourself time to grieve. Weep by yourself or with a friend.

— Write the word
finished
beside each painful memory.

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven…
a time to weep…a time to mourn and a time to dance”

(E
CCLESIASTES
3:1,4).

•
Realize that healing is a process, not an event.

— Refuse to seek quick fixes and painless solutions.

— Develop an understanding of the activities that promote healing.

— Grow in patience as you embrace the journey of the healing process.

“As an example of patience in the face of suffering,
take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered”

(J
AMES
5:10-11).

•
Reach out and minister to others.

— Ask God for a compassionate heart that is sensitive toward those who have experienced abuse.

— Be prepared to share your experience when God brings other victims across your path.

— Ask God to fill you with a passionate desire to comfort others by sharing your healing with them.

“The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort…
comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort
we ourselves have received from God”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
1:3-4).

Releasing Bitterness When the Abuser Has Died