How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (27 page)
Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of
covert control. Overt abuse
—such as bashing someone physically, a verbal rage, or name-calling—is easy to identify. But
covert abuse
—such as shunning, slighting, or ignoring someone—can be much more subversive and difficult to detect, though it is just as emotionally abusive.
Passive-aggressive people express anger indirectly and seek to control
others in evasive, underhanded, or deceitful ways. While some people seem unaware that they engage in such hurtful behavior patterns, others are quite intentional about it. The Bible makes it clear that…
“No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence”
(P
SALM
101:7).
The tactics used in this type of emotional abuse may include the following:
• Invalidating “I never said that.” “Your recall is wrong.” “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
• Minimizing “You’re just too sensitive.” “You’re exaggerating.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
• Countering “You couldn’t possibly feel that way.” “You’ve got it all wrong.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• Trivializing “If you had really studied for the test, you would have gotten 100 instead of 98.” “Your efforts really fell short.” “You’re giving yourself too much credit.”
Methods of Sabotage
To gain covert control and power, the passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive person will use some of the following methods:
16
• Foster chaos
Control others by intentionally leaving work and projects incomplete
• Tell lies or half-truths
Control others with unjustified excuses for not fulfilling commitments
• Procrastinate
Control others by intentionally missing deadlines, thus displaying no regard for the negative impact on others
• Be chronically late
Control others by keeping people waiting
• Be ambiguous
Control others by sending mixed messages, leaving others in a wake of confusion about what was said or what was meant
• Caustic counsel
Control others by offering unsolicited advice on a continual basis
• Be passively indifferent
Control others by giving the impression that their concerns are heard and important, but then disregarding them
• Manipulative protecting and helping
Control others by extending help with the intention of causing a sense of indebtedness
• Be a quick-change artist
Control others by changing the subject and diverting attention from conversations that feel personally threatening
• Withhold affirmation
Control others by failing to give deserved compliments and deserved credit
• Cross boundaries
Control others by taking advantage of those with few or no personal boundaries
When Saul’s men were sent to watch David’s house and to kill him, David prayed,
“For the sins of their mouths, for the words of their lips,
let them be caught in their pride”
(P
SALM
59:12).
Rejection is common to all of us. At one time or another we have been unjustly rejected by a prospective employer, not chosen by a team captain, jilted by a suitor, or ignored by an acquaintance. In those types of instances, the hurt doesn’t usually last long or leave permanent scars. However, there are some types of rejection that can cut like a knife or pierce us like an arrow to the heart.
“Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
their heart is filled with destruction.
Their throat is an open grave;
with their tongue they speak deceit”
(P
SALM
5:9).
•
Examples of overt, abusive rejection
include a parent who…
— deserts the family.
— tells a child, “I wish you had never been born.”
— tells a child, “You are a disgrace to this family.”
— tells a child, “You’re just like your sorry father.”
— tells a child, “I wish you were more like your brother.”
— tells a child, “You will never amount to anything.”
— tells a child, “You were a mistake…You were an accident… You are the wrong gender.”
“I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame
and drowned in my affliction”
(J
OB
10:15).
•
Examples of covert, abusive rejection
include a parent who…
— constantly raises the bar with unreasonable standards and demands more than the child is capable of giving.
— withholds love.
— overindulges.
— overprotects.
— divorces and begins to withdraw.
— commits suicide.
“See, O L
ORD
, how distressed I am! I am in torment within,
and in my heart I am disturbed”
(L
AMENTATIONS
1:20).
There is always a price to be paid for pain, a loss to be incurred by the recipient of abusive words and hurtful gestures. The cost is often unseen—an extensive, inner deprivation that can continue to damage the soul for a lifetime. As the wisest among men wrote…
“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit”
(P
ROVERBS
15:4).
Victims of Abuse May Experience…
• Loss of self-worth
increased self-doubt
• Loss of self-confidence
increased self-consciousness
• Loss of self-perception
increased self-criticism
• Loss of happiness
increased emotional flatness
• Loss of freedom
increased vigilance
• Loss of inner peace
increased peace-at-all-costs behavior
• Loss of self-assurance
increased insecurity
• Loss of security
increased desire to escape
• Loss of trust
increased distrust
• Loss of sexual identity
increased sexual confusion
• Loss of a clear conscience
increased guilt or shame
• Loss of friendship
increased isolation
• Loss of faith
increased fear
• Loss of safety
increased anxiety
• Loss of self-respect
increased self-destruction
• Loss of optimism
increased pessimism
• Loss of pride
increased self-hatred
• Loss of hope
increased despair
The Bible says,
“Those God foreknew he also predestined
to be conformed to the likeness of his Son”
(R
OMANS
8:29).
Are you in an abusive relationship? Have you experienced an unhealthy dynamic between you and someone close to you? Many people fail to recognize that they are in an abusive relationship because abuse has been “their normal” for so long. If you look closely, you can evaluate the health of any relationship by seeing the type of fruit it produces—whether the fruit is good or bad. Jesus said,
“A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and
a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.
Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down
and thrown into the fire.
Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them”
(M
ATTHEW
7:18-20).
The Fruit Test
As a help for realistically evaluating a relationship close to you, take “The Fruit Test.” On the left side of each fruit, mark
yes
or
no
for yourself, and on the right side, mark
yes
or
no
for the other person in the relationship.
The Bible says,
“Produce fruit in keeping with repentance”
(L
UKE
3:8).
AUSES OF
V
ERBAL AND
E
MOTIONAL
A
BUSE
“How can he be so cruel?” “How can she be so insensitive?” “Why would he talk that way?” These are
real questions
that victims of abusers may ask. Understanding the
real answers
can give you wisdom and discernment regarding your relationships.
“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place”
(P
SALM
51:6).