How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (12 page)

Childhood sexual abuse brainwashes its victims into believing that they are unlovable, or that they will no longer be loved if people find out what happened. What they perceive to be
conditional
love buries their secret all the more.

Unconditional
love was the healing balm Marilyn Van Derbur needed to begin moving toward wholeness. Marilyn was blessed beyond measure to have unconditional love poured into her heart and soul by a persistent youth minister, a compassionate husband, and a loving daughter—all gifts from God.
⁷³
(Although such gifts are helpful, recovery is possible for any victim even without such gifts.) Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart. Tell them about God’s unconditional love, and then live as an example of His unconditional love. Help children run into the arms of Jesus to receive His emotional support and security.

“He [Jesus] took the children in his arms,
put his hands on them and blessed them”

(M
ARK
10:16).

Assurances That Will Help Children

As you seek to help children receive the unconditional, grace-filled love of God, ask them to repeat the following assurances every single day:

•
“Nothing can ever cause me to lose God’s love.”

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness”

(J
EREMIAH
31:3).

•
“Even if someone in my family rejects me, God still accepts me.”

“Though my father and mother forsake me,
the L
ORD
will receive me”

(P
SALM
27:10).

•
“I will tell God what I really feel, and He will understand.”

“Cast all your anxiety on him
because he cares for you”

(1 P
ETER
5:7).

•
“When I come to God for help, He will heal my hurts.”

“O L
ORD
my God, I called to you
for help and you healed me”

(P
SALM
30:2).

•
“I will let Jesus live in my heart, and I will be a brand-new person.”

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
5:17).

•
“God has a wonderful plan for my life.”

“‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
,
‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future’ ”

(J
EREMIAH
29:11).

Wise parents, grandparents, teachers, and others who work with children know the importance of early training for the children’s personal safety. The best defense against sexual abuse is prevention.
⁷⁴

Tell children they have God-given worth. Your words will cultivate the soil of a young heart and sow seeds of safety that will in turn produce self-confidence and self-protection.

“Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching”

(P
ROVERBS
1:8)

•
Tell children…
⁷⁵

—
Don’t go
to a public place without first memorizing our [the parents’] names, phone numbers, and address or without having that information written on a card in your pocket.

—
Don’t go
outside your yard or leave a playground without permission.

—
Don’t go
wandering around looking for your parents if you get separated in a public place. Go to a security guard, checkout counter, or the lost and found for help.

—
Don’t go
near anyone following you, especially if they are in a car or even walking or on a bicycle.

—
Don’t go
with anyone who asks for your help to look for a lost pet (a common trick).

—
Don’t go
near the car of someone who asks for directions.

—
Don’t go
with people who tell you that someone in your family is in trouble and that they were sent to get you.

—
Don’t go
near parked cars, alleys, or dark doorways—always stay in plain view of crowds of people.

—
Don’t go
to extracurricular school activities or walk to or from school alone.

•
Teach children…

—
Don’t hesitate
to call 9-1-1 if someone is lurking around your house or trying to get inside.

—
Don’t talk
to someone you don’t know, no matter how nice the person may look.

—
Don’t accept
a ride home or get into a car to go anywhere
with anyone, even if it’s someone you know, unless you have your parents’ permission.

—
Don’t ride
your bike alone, and never walk alone at night.

—
Don’t keep
special secrets with older people, and if someone asks you to keep something secret, tell your parents or another adult you can trust.

—
Don’t allow
older strangers to play in your games.

—
Don’t open
the door when you are home alone.

—
Don’t let
a stranger take your picture.

—
Don’t hesitate
to scream as loud as you can, “Help, this man/woman is trying to take me” or “Help, this is not my father/mother.” Scream and keep screaming.

The Bible gives vivid warnings about

“men whose words are perverse,
who leave the straight paths to walk in dark ways,
who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways”

(P
ROVERBS
2:12-15).

T
HE
B
ACKYARD
C
APTIVE
: T
HE
J
AYCEE
L
EE
D
UGARD
S
TORY
⁷⁶

In August 2009, I was stunned to read the true story of a young girl held captive for years. Imagine the scene…

Like growing mounds of ant hills, the mounds of garbage grew wider throughout the backyard. The stench of human waste overpowered the sweet smell of mimosa trees.

Four tents, five sheds, and an outdoor toilet and shower dotted the half-acre lot. Strewn across the rotting refuse were artifacts of shattered innocence: dirt-covered tricycles, dingy-haired Barbie dolls, dilapidated swings. A “Welcome” sign hung outside one of the sheds…but it should have read “Run for Your Life.” Yet for some reason, Jaycee Dugard never did.

Abducted in 1991 at age 11, missing for 18 years, and found alive at age 29, Jaycee had been concealed in the Antioch, California,
hideaway. But she wasn’t alone. Two daughters born to her during her captivity—15-year-old Starlit and 11-year-old Angel—were also subjected to the squalor.

Jaycee’s nightmare began while walking to a school bus stop in South Lake Tahoe, California. Suddenly, a gray sedan pulled up beside her and a middle-aged couple dragged her into the car…then sped away. It was a “random hit.” To captors Phillip and Nancy Garrido, Jaycee was a perfect stranger and a perfect target for their perverted plans.

Jaycee’s stepfather was only a few hundred yards away when he heard his daughter’s chilling screams and witnessed her brazen abduction. He mounted his bicycle and tried to catch the fleeing car—but to no avail. Jaycee vanished and became the powerless victim of seemingly endless sexual abuse.

Renamed
Allissa
by Garrido, Jaycee would never attend another day of school or step foot in a doctor’s office or a hospital while in captivity. Starlit and Angel, fathered by Garrido, believed Jaycee was their older sister and had no idea she was their mother.

Although the news headlines remained focused on Jaycee, she was not Garrido’s first kidnapping and rape victim. He had served 11 years of a 50-year sentence for the 1976 kidnapping and rape of a casino worker. Garrido, a registered sex offender, had a long history of violence and troubled behavior connected to LSD use in high school.

Garrido’s immorality didn’t stop him from becoming a self-proclaimed prophet of God. Believing himself to be a powerful messenger from above, Garrido became “minister” to his church congregation of four—his “family.” But his pursuit for more proselytes led to the rescue of Jaycee and her daughters.

On August 25, 2009, Garrido visited the U.C. Berkeley campus—bringing Starlit and Angel along with him—to obtain a permit for an “evangelism” event. The university’s special events manager was alarmed at the girls’ nonresponsive, robotic behavior.

After a background check on Garrido revealed his criminal record, the university’s security staff contacted Garrido’s parole officer, who summoned him to his office the very next day. When Garrido arrived with his entire “family,” 29-year-old Jaycee was led into another room for questioning, and she told officials her entire story.

The greatest mystery surrounding Jaycee’s case is why she didn’t run away as an adult. Why wasn’t there a single attempt to escape—especially in view of her private journal, which chronicled a deep longing to be free? On July 5, 2004, she wrote, “It feels like I’m sinking…This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like…but once again he has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I’m afraid he doesn’t see how the things he says makes me a prisoner.”
⁷⁷
In spite of the forced abduction, rape, and imprisonment, Jaycee evidently developed what is known as Stockholm syndrome, in which captives form a sympathetic bond with their captors out of a sense of total dependence.

Phillip Garrido postured himself as a loving, protective father when in reality he was a heartless perpetrator of childhood sexual abuse. His parental role was a perversion, a deviant departure from all God intends fathers to represent and uphold for their families.

 

•
Fathers are to morally guide
their children, to be a compass for them and lead them to do what is right in God’s sight. Garrido instead conceived his children in the most immoral of circumstances—by raping a kidnapped prisoner and robbing her of her innocence.

•
Fathers are to amply provide
for their children, ensuring that their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are met. Garrido instead subjected his “family” to inhumane living conditions, failing to provide for their most basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

•
Fathers are to painstakingly protect
and guard their children from the sinful snares of the world and preserve their childhood innocence. Garrido instead opened the floodgates to sin, and the “protective guards” he placed around his daughters left them isolated as well as socially and emotionally impaired.

• Finally,
fathers are to lavishly love
with the very same love modeled by God the Father Himself. God’s love is pure, overflowing, sacrificial. It is never self-seeking; it always seeks the very best interests of His children. Our relationship with our heavenly Father is characterized by intimacy—so much so that we come
to Him as
Abba
, our “Daddy,” who draws us to Him with tender endearment.
⁷⁸

If you have struggled with the deep wounds of childhood sexual abuse, always remember: Unlike human fathers, our heavenly Father’s unconditional love toward His children is perfect, sincere (1 Corinthians 13:4), sacrificial (1 John 3:16), and secure (Jeremiah 31:3).

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God!”

(1 J
OHN
3:1).

When Francis Van Derbur went to his grave in 1984, there had been no hint of repentance, no evidence of change, no sense of sorrow over his sexual perversions.
⁷⁹

And in the end, Marilyn’s mother accepted that abuse had occurred, but denied ever knowing what was happening night after night in Marilyn’s bedroom. When Marilyn had previously told her what had gone on—with deep, heaving sobs punctuating a lifetime of pain—her mother sat calmly in her chair, arms folded, and coldly stated, “I don’t believe you. It’s in your fantasy.”
⁸⁰

The Bible makes God’s position absolutely plain: