How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (8 page)

Sadly, children who are victimized generally struggle with some of the following obstacles to their spiritual growth:

•
Are afraid of an intimate relationship with God

•
Are ignorant of the true character of God

•
Carry false guilt before God

•
Don’t grasp the grace of God

•
Doubt the existence of God

•
Fear the anger of God

•
Feel painfully rejected by God

•
Feel unworthy before God

•
Harbor bitterness toward God

•
Never experience the love of God

•
Possess a warped view of God

•
Project the abuser’s attributes upon God

•
Try to earn the approval of God

Unfortunately, all too often children live out in their adulthood what they experienced in their childhood. That is why abused children need to experience God’s love through godly people. Children learn more from what is
shown
to them than from what is
told
to them. Without intervention, children who grow up lacking true and accurate knowledge of God are headed for destruction as adults. The Lord says it plainly:

“My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge”

(H
OSEA
4:6).

God and Independent Choice

Q
UESTION
:
“I prayed for God to stop the abuse. Why didn’t He?”

A
NSWER
:
God did not create a “puppet state” where—by the flick of His finger or by pulling this string or that—everyone must move the way He wants.
God has given every person free will, or independent choice. And at times we are
all
victims of the wrong choices of others.

While no one possesses a “divine umbrella” to protect them from the storms of life, know that the Lord will walk with you through the rough waters. He will comfort and guide you; He will strengthen and sustain you. He will even use the storms to deepen your relationship with Him. The Lord promises,

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze”

(I
SAIAH
43:2).

Daughters like Marilyn are not the only ones who fall prey to predatory fathers. Sons are also vulnerable to the sin of sexual abuse. Evil is not a respecter of persons, no matter their gender or age. All children are at risk of being abused by those who practice sexual perversion.

Likewise, all children—both male and female—are at risk of becoming an abuser of other weaker, more vulnerable children. Sadly, sin produces sin, causing the transfer of abuse from victim to victim to victim. The book of Proverbs frequently addresses “my son,” warning him of a perverse man.

“Who goes about with a corrupt mouth, who winks with his eye,
signals with his feet and motions with his fingers,
who plots evil with deceit in his heart—
he always stirs up dissension”

(P
ROVERBS
6:12-14).

•
A male
child
victim
of sexual abuse is generally between the ages of 4 to 11 and is more likely than a female child victim…

— To be victimized by someone outside the family who is a stranger or authority figure such as a camp counselor, church leader, schoolteacher, or sports coach

— To be victimized in conjunction with other children

— To come from impoverished and single-parent families

— To be a victim of physical abuse

— To have the abuse reported to the police rather than to a hospital or child protective agency

•
A male
adolescent
victim
of sexual abuse by a male perpetrator is generally 17 years of age and…

— Is commonly raped outdoors in remote areas or automobiles

— Is usually heterosexual, as is his perpetrator

— Is more likely than a female victim to be gang raped, raped by a stranger, forced to engage in multiple types of sexual acts, threatened with weapons, and to have serious physical injuries

— Is unlikely to acknowledge his victimization

— Is forced to deal with the experience of sexual role inversion and a pervasive mythology revolving around “loss of manhood” and homosexuality

How fitting are the words of the psalmist, how accurately they portray the victimizer and his victims:

“The wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises…
His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength”

(P
SALM
10:2,10).

The sexual abuse committed by Francis Van Derbur was contemptible—and out of control. The day finally came when Marilyn shared the shameful secret with her oldest sister, Gwen. Immediately, she saw the blood drain from her sister’s face.

“Oh…oh my God” Gwen lamented. “I thought I was the only one!” Marilyn, too, had thought she was the only one—the only victim of his warped affection.
⁴⁶

What kind of father could betray his own daughters? What kind of depravity would steal the innocence of someone’s childhood? “My father was a handsome, intelligent man…But there was another—secret—side to him.”
⁴⁷

Marilyn’s words reveal the pervasive deceptiveness of sin. Evil isn’t confined to the back alleys of life. It can secretly live in the heart of anyone!

“There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil,
but joy for those who promote peace”

(P
ROVERBS
12:20).

Francis Van Derbur was not a religious man, but he acted as if he had God-given authority to dominate and rule.

While his wife told the world she had the perfect marriage, Van frequently told her to “shut up”—further belittling her with comments like, “You lose so many opportunities to be quiet.” And if she didn’t like things around the Van Derbur household, Van had one word for her:
leave.
“I don’t need anyone” was Van’s mantra as he abused his family emotionally, physically, and sexually.
⁴⁸

The vast majority of abusers were themselves victims of abuse. This fact reveals that certain sins can be generational. That which is modeled before children is too often repeated years later. This does not excuse abuse. Regardless of how evil penetrates our lives, God eventually holds us all accountable for our behavior. But be assured, God’s redemptive power can break any family stronghold.

This general principle is seen in the Bible with regard to an evil father (King Manasseh) who was succeeded by his evil son (King Amon). However, Amon’s son broke the despicable pattern of evil. He did only what was right in the eyes of God.

“He [Amon] did evil in the eyes of the L
ORD
,
as his father Manasseh had done…
Josiah his [Amon’s] son succeeded him as king…
He did what was right in the eyes of the L
ORD
…
not turning aside to the right or to the left”

(2 K
INGS
21:20,26; 22:2).

The Profile of Child Abusers
⁴⁹

A—A
LCOHOL
or drug abuse
—use drugs to lower their inhibitions

B—B
ACKGROUND
of abuse
—have experienced emotional deprivation and/or childhood trauma

U—U
NRESOLVED
anger
—feel they have been victims all their lives

S—S
EXUAL
addiction to pornography
—want to act out the perversion they have seen

E—E
MOTIONAL
immaturity
—use children to receive comfort and to bolster their low sense of self-worth

R—R
IGID
, religious background
—attend church religiously and/or espouse moralistic beliefs and traditional roles

S—S
TEPFAMILIES
or family problems
—have greater difficulty communicating with their wives than with their daughters

Justification of Abuse

Q
UESTION
:
“What kind of perverted thinking ‘justifies’ the victimization of a child by any male family member?”
⁵⁰

A
NSWER
:
These perpetrators basically believe that God intended for men to dominate women, and children, in turn, should unquestionably bow to their male authority. Not only do many of them believe that women are morally inferior to men and thus must not have any say over what a man does, they also believe that children are inherently evil and must be treated sternly.

They wrongly believe that no one in the family can act independently and that suffering is a “Christian virtue.” Therefore, Christians must immediately forgive those who sin against them and never hold them accountable in the future. In addition, they believe the family must be preserved at all costs. However, the Bible presents the problem of perversion as an issue of the
heart
:

“Out of men’s hearts,
come evil thoughts, sexual immorality…
adultery…deceit, lewdness”

(M
ARK
7:21-22).

As stunned as Marilyn was when she learned that her sister was also an
incest victim, she was also shocked by a letter she received many years later from an abuse victim who said she had been sexually violated by Van “about 20 times in 1983,”
when Van was 75 years old
.
⁵¹
Marilyn’s mind began to reel when she read the letter. Were there countless others who had suffered at the hands of her father? How many other lives had been devastated by his debauchery?

It took a fatal heart attack to stop his lewd, insatiable lust…to stop this sick, sexual predator who was always on the prowl.

Perpetrators are master manipulators of their own minds. Through perverted reasoning they rationalize and justify their sexual advances. Yet the Bible says,

“There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death”

(P
ROVERBS
14:12).

Perpetrators…

•
Feel powerless and have a desperate need to control someone.
⁵²

•
See their sexual actions as a solution to their problems.

•
Use children to bolster their sense of significance.

•
Fear their daughters’ sexual development.

•
Want to take care of their daughters’ innermost, intimate needs.

•
Use sex to feel loved.

•
Have difficulty forming healthy adult relationships.

•
Rationalize and justify their actions:

—“My wife is cold and indifferent…It’s her fault.”

—“It’s my duty to provide sex education for her [the victim].”

—“I view sex as loving and gentle.”

—“It’s better for me to prepare her than for someone else to do so.”

—“It is only play, not intercourse.”

—“I can’t control my impulses.”

—“I need something to relieve my stress.”

—“She is seducing me.”

No excuse for sexually abusing anyone—especially a child—can hold up under the scrutiny of God:

“All a man’s ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the L
ORD
”

(P
ROVERBS
16:2).

Power and perversion put Van on the prowl, looking for victims who would cower beneath his seeming omnipotence. He cared nothing about the trauma and heartache he left behind. At age 40, when Marilyn confronted him about what he had done to her, she cringed with disdain at her father’s empty words: “If I had known what it would do to you, I never would have done it.”
⁵³
She didn’t believe it then, and she doesn’t believe it now—especially after receiving the lamentable letter that her father had abused
outside
the family as well. “It was an egregious lie,
”
Marilyn flatly states.
⁵⁴