How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (7 page)

More uncontrollable fits of sobbing came when Marilyn’s daughter, Jennifer, turned five years old—the age at which Marilyn’s abuse began. And when Jennifer entered puberty, Marilyn became “totally dysfunctional,” suffering from acute anxiety and shutting down emotionally. A devastating irony about all this is that at age 47, Marilyn was named Outstanding Woman Speaker in America. When her two worlds collided, Marilyn emotionally collapsed.
³⁹

“My face is red with weeping, deep shadows ring my eyes”

(J
OB
16:16).

Typically, a victim experiences some of the following
emotional symptoms
:

•
Afraid of authority figures

•
Anxiety or panic attacks

•
Apathy

•
Avoidance of intimacy

•
Confused sexual identity

•
Frequent crying

•
Depression

•
Emotional withdrawal, introversion

•
Excessive need for love and attention

•
False guilt

•
Fear of going to bed, nightmares, or other sleep disturbances

•
Hysteria

•
Inability to concentrate

•
Low feelings of self-worth

•
Mistrust

•
Neurotic disorders (obsessions/compulsions)

•
Pseudomature (adultlike) behavior

•
Regression to an earlier phase of development (babylike)

•
Self-consciousness and insecurity

•
Shame

•
Unexplained mood changes

•
Unpredictable anger, aggression, rage

Children who grow up in abusive families learn early to distance themselves from the pain—inwardly through denial and outwardly through addictions. Eventually, however, these coping mechanisms break down, and they are left to face their raw pain.

All child victims of any type of abuse know the angst of anxiety much too well. However, when victims come to know Jesus personally and intimately, they come to know His comfort and feel His compassion. Only then can they feel perfect peace and genuine joy in their souls.

“When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul”

(P
SALM
94:19).

One recognizable physical sign of abuse surfaced when Marilyn was in fifth grade—through an embarrassing incident during gym class. The gym teacher asked everyone to bend over and touch their toes. Marilyn couldn’t even reach to the middle of her calves—her body was so tight and rigid. Humiliated, she was then singled out as the teacher began pushing on her back, forcing a meeting between fingers and toes.
⁴⁰
“I could never allow my
body to ‘let go’ because that would mean to submit, to feel, to respond, to lose, to be wholly and reprehensibly bad.”
⁴¹

Marilyn also suffered from chronic constipation since childhood due to tightening her buttocks so hard that nothing from the outside could get in, and to keep everything on the inside from getting out.

Signs of sexual abuse can appear much later in life. Accompanying Marilyn’s bouts of sobbing after her daughter turned age five were bouts of paralysis, for which doctors had no physical explanation…because none existed. Marilyn’s paralysis did not originate in her body, but in her anguished soul. These Scripture passages speak of such agonizing anguish:
⁴²

“My soul is in anguish.
How long, O L
ORD
, how long?”

(P
SALM
6:3).

“My pain is not relieved…it does not go away”

(J
OB
16:6).

Most victims display some of the following more obvious signs of physical abuse:

•
Abdominal pain

•
Bed-wetting/change in toilet habits

•
Complaints of sickness

•
Dissociative identity disorder (mind splitting into different parts)

•
Failure to accomplish simple tasks

•
Frequent headaches

•
Genital itching/yeast or bladder infections

•
Habit disorders (severe biting, thumbsucking, rocking)

•
Masturbation, excessive or in public

•
Memory loss

•
Obsessive washing and cleaning

•
Pain when urinating

•
Premarital pregnancy

•
Sad facial expressions/frequent crying

•
Self-injury (cutters, burners)

•
Sitting/walking difficulties

•
Suicidal gestures

•
Torn, stained, bloodspotted underpants

•
Undernourished appearance

•
Vaginal/rectal pain, swelling, bruises, bleeding

•
Vaginal/penile discharge

•
Venereal disease

Note: If a child experiences any of these physical problems, consult a health care professional immediately.

Every child victim can identify with the painful words Job spoke as he suffered:

“Night pierces my bones;
my gnawing pains never rest”

(J
OB
30:17).

Marilyn believes in love at first sight; it happened to her. But rather than cling to the love of her life, she fled from him—for nine years—and hadn’t the faintest idea why.

Marilyn first laid her eyes on Larry Atler as a sophomore in high school while he was conversing with his fellow seniors. They began dating, and as their courtship developed, so did Marilyn’s fears. Larry might find out she wasn’t the moral, upstanding young woman he thought she was, and she couldn’t bear for him to know “the truth.” “I was a bad, bad, bad person, unworthy of anyone.”
⁴³
She broke off the relationship and married someone else, a bond that lasted only three months.

It was Marilyn’s former youth minister, D.D. Harvey, who later urged her to contact Larry. The grueling healing process from childhood sexual abuse would occur with her soul mate by her side. He would be the person through whom God would express His love to Marilyn—the person who would accurately define love to her.

“Love is patient, love is kind…
It is not self-seeking…
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
13:4-5,7-8).

Victims of childhood sexual abuse usually have difficulty developing
healthy habits and relationships, exhibiting several of the following social signs of abuse:

•
Abnormal expression of sexuality in writing, drawing, or playing

•
Alcohol and/or drug abuse

•
Antisocial behavior, defiance, problems with authority and rules

•
Assumes a parental role

•
Avoids specific people or situations

•
Defensive reaction to touch

•
Dependent, clinging behavior

•
Distrust of sleepovers

•
Early arrival/late departure from school or another safe place

•
Eating disorders

•
Excessive compliance (inability to set personal boundaries)

•
Exclusive relationship with an older person

•
Extreme modesty, reluctant to change clothes in front of others

•
Fear of saying
no
to adults

•
Poor peer relationships

•
Premature sexual knowledge or behavior

•
Promiscuity or seductive behavior toward older males

•
Makes attempts to run away

•
Secretive behavior

•
Sexual abuse of another child

•
Sudden drop in school performance or other activities

All child victims struggle with not understanding their needs and not knowing how to meet those needs. When wounded “children” of all ages become aware of these God-given needs, they may be drawn to the Lord. Regardless of the past, He is the One who will satisfy their needs and strengthen their lives.

“The L
ORD
will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail”

(I
SAIAH
58:11).

Promiscuity and Sexual Abuse

Q
UESTION
:
“Will a victim of early childhood sexual abuse have problems with promiscuity?”

A
NSWER
:
Children respond to sexual abuse in varied ways depending on their temperament, personality makeup, and environment—all of which influence the way they interpret and process abuse.

•
Sexualized children may believe they have value
only as sex objects
.

•
They may equate sex with love and often become promiscuous.

•
It is not that they
enjoy being sexually active
, but they have come to believe sex is the only thing they have to offer someone.

•
They may believe that sex is the only means by which they can give and receive the feeling of love.

The premature arousal of a child’s sexual desires leads to destruction of sexual boundaries. Longing to feel loved, many but not all child victims harden their hearts to God and turn to sexual promiscuity. With a distrust of the Lord, they can easily “look for love in all the wrong places.”

Marilyn’s mother read her Bible every night and knelt beside her bed to pray to a “heavenly Father.” Yet she allowed her daughter’s earthly father to commit sexual abuse night after night after night. Understandably, Marilyn never prayed as a child or young adult—she believed the “Father” to whom her mother always prayed wasn’t protecting her anyway. “It would be many years before I understood why I didn’t want another father—certainly not a more powerful one.”
⁴⁴

It’s not unusual for victims to vent their anger toward God for allowing the abuse they experienced. Like so many other victims of incest, Marilyn’s knowledge of a “heavenly Father” was skewed. Because Marilyn had transferred the characteristics of her earthly father to the “heavenly Father” her mother prayed to, Marilyn’s image of God was severely distorted.
⁴⁵

However, Jesus came to show us what the heavenly Father is really like. And His tender care and compassion for children were so great that He gave this stern warning:

“Whoever causes the downfall
of one of these little ones who believe in Me—
it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck
and he were drowned in the depths of the sea!”

(M
ATTHEW
18:6
HCSB
).