How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (3 page)
Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
Yours in the Lord’s hope,
June Hunt
I. The Definitions of Childhood Sexual Abuse
A. What Constitutes Childhood Sexual Abuse?
C. What Is the Difference Between Molestation and Rape?
D. What Is the Scope of Childhood Sexual Abuse?
G. Who Are the Nonprotective Parents?
H. What Is the Typical Course of Childhood Sexual Abuse?
I. What Common Challenge Faces Survivors of Child Abuse?
II. Characteristics of Childhood Sexual Abuse
A. What Are the Emotional Signs of Abuse?
B. What Are the Physical Signs of Abuse?
C. What Are the Social Signs of Childhood Sexual Abuse?
D. What Are the Spiritual Signs of Abuse?
E. What Characterizes the Male Victim of Childhood Sexual Abuse?
III. Causes of Childhood Sexual Abuse
A. What Is the Setup for an Abuser?
B. Why Do Perpetrators Abuse Children?
F. What Are the Root Causes of Childhood Sexual Abuse?
B. A Key Passage to Read and Reread
C. How to Apply the Do’s and Don’ts of Awareness
D. How to Respond to Childhood Sexual Abuse
F. How to Give Children the Permission to Say “No!”
H. How to Share the Heart of God
J. How to Change the Cycle of Abuse for the Abuser
K. How to Dismantle the Damage
“There she is…Miss America…”
1
She graced the Atlantic City runway with statuesque beauty and charm. The familiar song wafts throughout the auditorium—and into the hearts and homes of millions of adoring television viewers.
“There she is…your ideal…”
So goes the second line of the song, signifying that this 20-year-old embodied all a young American woman could hope to be.
Straight-A student, swim champ, gifted musician—yet with the winsome appeal of “the girl next door”—Marilyn Van Derbur was crowned Miss America. After reigning for a year with whirlwind spotlight appearances, she graduated from college Phi Beta Kappa and embarked on a highly visible speaking career.
As the epitome of self-confidence and composure, this host of 23 television specials served a major corporation for 16 years as their only female guest lecturer. Years later, Marilyn stepped up to a very different podium, this time to deliver a very different message: “Tonight, I break my silence…It means speaking the unspeakable word.”
2
She revealed, “From the time I was five until I was eighteen and moved away to college, my father sexually violated me.”
3
As a motivational speaker, Marilyn had a new motivation—a passion to help other victims break their silence, salvage their lives, and be made whole. The description of her hidden horror has helped other victims reveal their terror and survive their
shame. Still there are many victims in the midst of their own secret storm who inwardly cry…
“My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me”
(P
SALM
55:4-5).
EFINITIONS OF
C
HILDHOOD
S
EXUAL
A
BUSE
Francis Van Derbur beamed with fatherly pride as his youngest daughter was crowned Miss America. Before the world he boasted, “She’s been a lovely girl all her life.”
4
But this loyal father-role was all a façade…for “Van,” as he was called, had in no way been a virtuous father, but rather a perverted victimizer. He believed he
owned
his wife and four daughters—he considered them his property—therefore, this millionaire socialite felt entitled to do anything he wanted with them…
anything.
5
A former mayor of Denver, Colorado, described Van as “a figure in the state’s history.”
6
Meanwhile, Marilyn and her family knew him as demeaning, demanding, and demoralizing. Their innermost cry echoed that of the psalmist:
“Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me”
(P
SALM
31:2).
The sound of the garage door going up at night sent a surging stream of anxiety through Marilyn like nothing else. As a child, she lay in bed and waited…
and waited…
often for hours, wondering when she would hear the quiet scuffle of gray felt slippers approaching her room…then slowly her father’s fingers turning the doorknob. As soon as the large figure in the white terry cloth robe emerged, Marilyn squeezed her eyes shut—pretending to be asleep.
7
And for 13 years, Marilyn recalls, “I pretended not to know what he was
doing.”
8
But every muscle tightened as the hands of her father swept over her body. Marilyn was only five years old when the devastating abuse and deceit began. And how many other children like Marilyn feel the heartbreak of these words today?
“No one is near to comfort me,
no one to restore my spirit”
(L
AMENTATIONS
1:16).
•
Abuse
is mistreatment: using something or someone in an inappropriate manner.
9
—
Abuse
results in emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical harm. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for abuse is
alal
, which can mean “to treat severely, harshly, or cruelly, to defile.”
10
—
Abuse
is intentional, not accidental.
The Bible does not shy away from acknowledging the reality of abuse:
“They raped her and abused her throughout the night,
and at dawn they let her go”
(J
UDGES
19:25).
•
Sexual abuse
of a child is any physical, visual, or verbal interaction with a minor by an older child or adult whose purpose is sexual stimulation or sexual satisfaction.
—
Sexual abuse victims
are boys and girls under the age of 18
*
who have suffered one or many experiences of sexual abuse.
—
Sexual abuse of a child
is almost always committed by someone the child knows or with whom the child has frequent contact.
11
family member neighbor family friend coach babysitter church leader teacher older friend doctor playmate’s older sibling institutional worker daycare worker mother’s live-in boyfriend or transient suitor
Such familiarity sets the stage for a child to be all the more vulnerable to a victimizer. The Bible is not silent about the deceitful schemes of such a victimizer…
Biblical Claim
“He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless
and drags them off in his net”
(P
SALM
10:9).
Marilyn would lie stiff as a board, but night after night her father would overpower her, force himself upon her, violate her body, invade her mind, lacerate her soul and spirit.
Nothing would dissuade him.
Marilyn would open wide the windows of her room to let cold air into the room—he still came in. She took a little sign from a train that read, “Please go ’way and let me sleep” and hung it on her doorknob—he still came in. She pretended she was having her period—he still came in. She wouldn’t bathe—he still came in.
Like Job, Marilyn found no safe haven from the terrors she experienced.
“Terrors overwhelm me;
my dignity is driven away as by the wind,
my safety vanishes like a cloud”
(J
OB
30:15).
•
Incest
is sexual interaction with a child or an adolescent by a person who is a member of the child’s family—any blood relative, adoptive relative, or relative by marriage or remarriage.
12
—
Incest
usually progresses from subtle touching to sexual fondling and then typically to more extensive sexual activity.
13
—
Incestuous relationships
usually continue over a long period of time.
14
•
Incest
occurs primarily in the following relationships (in order of predominance):
—
For a girl
, her father or stepfather, grandfather, uncle or male cousin, older brother, half brother, brother-in-law, mother, or other female relative.
—
For a boy
, his father or stepfather, grandfather, uncle or male cousin, older brother, half-brother, brother-in-law, sister, mother, or other female relative.
Biblical Censure
The Bible is not silent about the act of incest…
“No one is to approach any close relative
to have sexual relations.
I am the L
ORD
”
(L
EVITICUS
18:6).
(Read Leviticus 18:6-18.)
Even though children have a natural inclination to trust their parents, Marilyn knew that what was happening to her had nothing to do with fatherly love. In fact, it was
rape
. All the heinous acts committed against her were “about control and winning.”
15
“Whether I was awake with an intense alertness, or awakened by his hands touching me, my body was as electrified as if a huge, growling bear were standing over my bed just ready to pounce on me. Just the waiting brought on feelings of inexpressible dread, of the need to be hyper-alert, ready for battle, ready for the bear, the warriors with huge knives, my father.”
16
Marilyn could have echoed the words of Job:
“When I think about this,
I am terrified; trembling seizes my body”
(J
OB
21:6).
•
Molestation
is unlawful sexual contact.
17
—
Molestation
is usually not sexual penetration.
—
Molestation
often continues over a period of time.