How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (6 page)

— Building trust progressively with ulterior motives

— Becoming an attentive “friend” with appealing hobbies or interests

— Showing preferential treatment by playing games or by giving money, gifts, bribes, or rewards

•
Stimulation
—The perpetrator physically prepares the child for sexual activity by…

— Giving the child what appears to be appropriate, affirming, warm touches through playful wrestling, hugs, back rubs, and other such activity

— Using frequent physical contact to gradually desensitize the child to a progression toward increasingly inappropriate touch and sexual contact that introduces sexual activity as being fun or special

— Increasing the amount of physical encroachment, which is not enjoyable to the child (but nonetheless permitted by the child) and takes advantage of natural sexual curiosity

— Escalating toward sexual stimulation that is likely both painful and pleasurable (as the child’s body naturally responds to sexual stimulation) and results in conflicted feelings and a guilty conscience (although the guilt belongs to the abuser alone!)

•
Silence
—The perpetrator methodically moves to ensure the child’s silence by…

— Using intimidation and fear-inducing threats of stopping the relationship or harming the child or the child’s family members, friends, or pets

— Accusing the child of disloyalty if their “special secret” is shared with anyone

— Creating a quagmire of ambivalent feelings in the child such as love and hate, pleasure and shame, tenderness and terror

— Countering the child’s feelings of rage at the reality of being
in
the relationship with rage at the possibility of
losing
the relationship

•
Suppression
—The perpetrator stealthily subdues the child by…

— Ensuring no one rescues the child from the abusive relationship, causing the child to feel doubly betrayed

— Destroying any hope the child might have of ever being rescued by anyone, including God

— Leaving the child feeling that he or she has no choice but to bow to the power of the perpetrator and slip quietly into acceptance of the inevitable abuse that leads to emotional enslavement

— Causing hopelessness to reign within the child, suppressing the child’s soul and snuffing out the light within the child’s spirit

The child concludes that
love
has a hidden hook in it and
trust
is no longer a viable option. The perceptions are that nothing of value is freely given and that all good gifts carry hidden price tags too high to pay. This destruction of trust can impair a child’s ability to trust God when it comes time to seek healing.

Biblical Caution

The Bible describes such self-centered abusers in the following way…

“There is no fear of God before his eyes.
For in his own eyes he flatters himself
too much to detect or hate his sin.
The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
Even on his bed he plots evil;
he commits himself to a sinful course
and does not reject what is wrong”

(P
SALM
36:1-4).

Incest and False Guilt

Q
UESTION
:
“I feel guilty about the sexual acts my father performed on me over the years. Why didn’t I stop him?”

A
NSWER
:
Victims of sexual sin are typically plagued with feelings of guilt—even when those acts were initiated by the perpetrator and not the victim. You didn’t “cause” the abuse to occur! When someone’s sin spills acid onto you, you cannot escape the impact—and you
can
feel contaminated.

The fact is, however, you did not seduce your father. Obviously you weren’t
trained
to stop a sexual perpetrator, especially not your father. Take to heart these key points:

•
Your father initiated the sexual acts upon you—you had no choice. As a child, you were not physically, mentally, or emotionally strong enough to overpower or stop him.

•
Because he was the adult, he knew exactly what he was doing and bears full responsibility for his perversion.

•
All professionals in this field would testify that you are in no way to blame for your father’s choices. Although grown children typically feel guilty over such past offenses, you need to discern false guilt from true guilt.

Perpetrators are experts at making their victims feel like willing participants—leading them to feel guilty for what is actually the perpetrator’s wrongdoing. This results in false guilt. When that happens, you need to seek and discover what lies you were manipulated into believing and replace those lies with biblical truth.

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance”

(P
ROVERBS
1:5).

It is truly reprehensible that Marilyn’s mother turned a blind eye to what was happening in Marilyn’s bedroom virtually every night. Marilyn recalls the time she first realized her mother knew what was going on. One night she heard the sounds made by her mother’s dress slippers on the hard-surfaced steps outside Marilyn’s closed bedroom door. There they lay—Marilyn and her father—in her bed. At the sound of her mother’s footsteps, he immediately stopped, unable to continue his assault.

Her rescuer was no more than six feet away, and the hope of blessed help filled the little girl’s heart. Finally…it would end! Like a fearless mama bear, her protective mother would reach in and snatch her cub from the sinister wolf. In silence, perfectly still, she and her father waited. Then the sound of
her mother’s footsteps reversed their course. Her mother walked back into her make-believe world in which nothing was wrong.
³¹

There was never any doubt in my mind, after that night, that she knew. She walked away from me, back into her perfect world—a world in which she was admired, respected, and charming. I knew she would never come back and for the hundreds and hundreds of nights to come she never did…
³²

Children like Marilyn cannot change their parents; however, they can change their powerless responses in adulthood by
choosing not to stay powerless
. If you were abused as a child, your challenge—along with that of every victim—is to move from victim to victor, from sufferer to survivor, from emotional cripple to overcomer. By giving your life to the Lord, you can experience Jesus’ healing power.

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world”

(J
OHN
16:33).

•
Victims

—
Continue to feel like victims
into adulthood, living with a “victim mentality”—still feeling powerless and therefore acting powerless

—
Relive their past
by moving from one abusive relationship to another

—
Live in denial
and refuse to face the dark, hidden secret of the past

—
Possess no knowledge
of how to find help and healing, and have little hope of receiving either

•
Survivors

—
Realize the need for facing the past
in order to heal from the past

—
Work hard to identify and resolve false guilt
, shame, anger, and an unforgiving heart

—
Honestly deal with debilitating issues
such as personal sin and repentance, loneliness and grief

—
Commit to gaining mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual healing

•
Conquerors

—
Live victoriously over the past
, no longer in bondage to painful memories

—
Develop an intimate relationship with Christ
, giving Him control of everything

—
Grow in self-worth
and the capacity to experience authentic love and intimacy with others

—
Experience the desire and reality of reaching out and ministering to others

Biblical Challenge

The Bible reveals our hope for victory…

“In all these things we are more than conquerors
through him who loved us”

(R
OMANS
8:37).

Emotionally Stuck Victims

Q
UESTION
:
“Why do many victims seem emotionally stuck?”

A
NSWER
:
The abuse experienced by children usually interrupts their ability to progress to the next stage of emotional growth. It takes some degree of normalcy, safety, and a healthy home environment for children to develop properly, reach expected goals, and mature.

After the abuse is successfully processed, emotional healing takes place and developmental goals can be attained. Until that happens, victims are likely to respond emotionally to life as children rather than adults. The ultimate aim is to experience lasting healing—to move from being a victim to being a victor—and be able to say…

“When I was a child, I talked like a child,
I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became [an adult], I put childish ways behind me”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
13:11).

Marilyn wrote:

Until I was 24, the day child had no conscious knowledge of the night child. During the day, no embarrassing or angry glances ever passed between my father and me. I had no rage toward him at all, because I had no conscious knowledge of what he was doing to me. Anyone who knew me would say I was the happiest child. I believed I was happy. Still, incest colored every aspect of my life.
³³

After years of being victimized, Marilyn won her first battle in the long war to salvage her split soul. As a college student, Marilyn came home for Christmas break. When she went into her parents’ bedroom to say good night, her father pulled her down to himself.

“I pushed away from him with such anger,” she recounts.
³⁴
But it was unmistakably the “day child” who reacted, because it would be years later—not until the age of 24—that Marilyn’s memories of incest would begin to surface. And after that wintry, cold Colorado night, Van never touched Marilyn again.

Though sexual abuse differs from victim to victim, Marilyn mirrored the experience of many other victims. They disconnect themselves from their feelings in order to survive. “Memory loss” may be God’s way of protecting their young hearts from this paralyzing fact:
Those who should have been their protectors were their perpetrators!

Thank God, He is Jehovah Rapha, “the God who heals.” He knows when to bring to the surface repressed memories, and He knows how to bring complete healing to each and every heart. He says,

“I am the L
ORD
, who heals you”

(E
XODUS
15:26).

Marilyn’s sexual betrayal permeated her body, soul, and spirit, wounding and scarring every aspect of her being even into late adulthood. But healing eventually came…through the keen perception of the church youth minister she met at age 15. It was this godly man who discovered the “night child” buried deep in Marilyn’s soul and helped surface her horrific secrets. His influence cannot be overstated. “As clearly as if he had swum out to rescue me from a strong riptide pulling me out to sea, D.D. Harvey would save my life.”
³⁶

The powerful impact of her father’s incestuous behavior led Marilyn to describe herself as “walking anxiety.” In elementary school and beyond, Marilyn felt a compelling need to perform, to excel, to be perfect at everything she did—yet she was filled with dread. Despite deep angst and inner fear, somehow she always managed to look confident and composed on the outside—leaving others clueless about her inner agony.

Meanwhile, any reference to anything sexual would shake her to the core. During a sorority initiation, she broke into heaving, convulsive sobs when asked, “What is digitational intercourse?” (answer: holding hands). And, “What is osculation?” (answer: kissing).
³⁷

Years later Marilyn would spontaneously break into sobs when she saw photos of herself in advertising campaigns. Though at the time she was unaware of why she did so, it was because she thought she looked seductive—and “incest victims never want to look seductive.”
³⁸