How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (13 page)
Read How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) Online
Authors: June Hunt
“Godly sorrow brings repentance
that leads to salvation and leaves no regret,
but worldly sorrow brings death”
(2 C
ORINTHIANS
7:10).
Wartime Goals for Male Perpetrators
Christ not only offers healing to the child victims and adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but to the perpetrators as well. The cycle of the sins of the father being visited upon the children from one generation to another can and must be changed to a cycle of love and forgiveness being passed from generation to generation. To do this, war must be declared against this
enemy of our children. Many say that child abusers can never change. However, if the violator is completely repentant and willing, through the power of God, any behavior can be changed. Any heart can be changed. Any life can be changed. God has said,
“I am the L
ORD
, the God of all mankind.
Is anything too hard for me?”
(J
EREMIAH
32:27).
W—W
ORK
on understanding the relationship between
emotions, thoughts
,
beliefs
, and
behaviors
:
• How you became a sex offender
• How your wrong thinking maintains your behavior
• How you can stop offending
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will”
(R
OMANS
12:2).
A—A
DDRESS
the following areas:
• Denial
• Sexual assault cycle
• Relapse prevention plan
“Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed,
and get a new heart and a new spirit…
Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ,
and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature”
(E
ZEKIEL
18:31; R
OMANS
13:14).
R—R
EACH
the following requirements:
16 Steps to Transformation
— Accept full responsibility for your offensive behaviors.
— Understand all facets of your
denial
.
— Comprehend your
sexual abuse cycles
.
— Demonstrate the ability to break those cycles.
— Learn new coping strategies to manage your deviant sexual arousal.
— Develop an effective
relapse prevention plan
.
— Develop an awareness of the social implications of sexual abuse.
— Participate in
skills training
to improve the quality of your interpersonal relationships.
— Discuss your life history in a trustworthy group.
— Disclose any other
victimization
or sexually inappropriate behavior.
— Gain insight into how your offenses affected your victims.
— Develop
empathy
for the pain you have caused.
— Participate in
family therapy
when family members are available.
— Ensure that the family is supportive of newly learned behavior.
— Transform your thinking patterns by memorizing Scripture.
— Join a spiritual accountability group and Bible study group.
“With regard to your former way of life…
put off your old self,
which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires…
be made new in the attitude of your minds;
and…put on the new self,
created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”
(E
PHESIANS
4:22-24).
If you have been sexually inappropriate with others, we strongly
encourage you to obtain the practical resource
Sexual Addiction:
The Way Out of the Web,
published by Hope for the Heart.
For years, former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur had no memory of
her father’s incestuous relationship with her. Like many victims of trauma, she buried her painful memories under layers of disbelief and denial. Later, when Marilyn’s daughter reached the same age she was when her abuse began, Marilyn began to experience anxiety attacks and chest pains. Seeing her young daughter at that age triggered memories of her past abuse.
81
This experience is common for many incest survivors. If this is true for you, trust in God’s timing. He knows when and how to bring truth to the surface and healing to your wounded heart.
“ ‘I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds,’ declares the L
ORD
”
(J
EREMIAH
30:17).
How to Deal with Denial
— Desire complete honesty with yourself and with others.
— Decide to believe the truth: You were not responsible for the abuse.
— Through journaling each day, face the personal damage to your heart.
— Deal with any unresolved anger.
— Allow yourself to grieve over your loss of innocence.
“Teach me your way, O L
ORD
,
and I will walk in your truth”
(P
SALM
86:11).
How to Have a Pure Heart
— Acknowledge your desire to change.
— Admit your excessive desire to be in control and your strategies for self-protection.
— Recognize that living in fear and shame means that you are not fully trusting God.
— Experience genuine sorrow over any known sin in your life.
— See your need for the Savior and rely on Him alone.
“I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the L
ORD
’—
and you forgave the guilt of my sin”
(P
SALM
32:5).
How to Grow in Your Love for Others
— Desire to grow in the character of Christ.
— Rely on Christ within you to do what you cannot do.
— Choose to forgive your offender. (See “How Can I Forgive?” on page 272.)
— Reach out to others—especially to those who are victims.
— Walk each day in prayer and Bible study.
— Choose to trust God with your future.
“There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love”
(1 J
OHN
4:18).
“We love because he first loved us”
(1 J
OHN
4:19).
Marilyn would tell you that her one-year reign as Miss America in 1958 pales in comparison to the greatest accomplishment of her life—surviving 13 years of incest! But Marilyn didn’t just survive. She overcame.
Likewise, many other victims now live victoriously. No longer insecure, they know their source of security. They no longer feel helpless, and their hearts are filled with hope.
“You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety”
(J
OB
11:18).
In child abuse, the “secret”—knowing the child won’t
tell—is the perpetrator’s most powerful weopon. God’s strategy
is to surface the secret…for the
truth
is what sets us
free
.
Childhood Sexual Abuse—Answers in God’s Word
Q
UESTION
:
“Does having a new life in Christ have any effect on my old life and the abusive things that happened to me as a child?”
A
NSWER
:
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Q
UESTION
:
“Can I trust anyone to truly love me after being forsaken by my own father and mother?”
A
NSWER
:
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the L
ORD
will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).
Q
UESTION
:
“Is there someone whose faithfulness will provide love and compassion to keep me from being consumed by my painful past?”
A
NSWER
:
“Because of the L
ORD’S
great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23).
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I overcome my past, which has been like a desert wasteland?”
A
NSWER
:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19).
Q
UESTION
:
“Is it possible to put behind me the thoughts and ways I had as a child and am still experiencing even now as an adult?”
A
NSWER
:
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became [an adult], I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I justify being kind, compassionate, and forgiving toward those who have grievously sinned against me?”
A
NSWER
:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
Q
UESTION
:
“If I forgive my perpetrators without taking revenge, who will avenge me and repay them in order to deliver justice on my behalf?”
A
NSWER
:
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I have hope and look forward to future plans when my past was so filled with harm?”
A
NSWER
:
“ ‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Q
UESTION
:
“My spirit was crushed as a child; now I feel brokenhearted. Where is the Lord in this?”
A
NSWER
:
“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
Q
UESTION
:
“Who can help bring healing to my hurting heart?”
A
NSWER
:
“O L
ORD
my God, I called to you for help and you healed me” (Psalm 30:2).
*
The age at which a child is considered a minor or underage will vary from country to country.
I. Definitions of Spiritual Abuse
C. What Is the Difference Between Law and Grace?
D. What Questions Concerning the Law Cause Confusion?
II. Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse
A. What Characterizes Spiritually Abusive Leaders?
B. What Characterizes Spiritually Abusive Groups?
C. What Are the Symptoms of Spiritual Abuse?
III. Causes of Spiritual Abuse
A. Why Do People Become Trapped in Legalism?
B. Why Are the Abused Drawn to Spiritual Abusers?
C. What Wrong Thinking Has Kept You in Bondage?
D. Why Does God Allow Spiritual Abuse?