Heart of Tantric Sex (21 page)

Women and men find the suggestion that a woman proposes penetration very helpful. Men like it because it puts the responsibility with the woman, he can relax and not worry about the perfect moment to approach her. Women appreciate it too. She can now relax without the pressure to force herself into readiness through excitement. It is clear that entry is up to her and there is no possibility of violating boundaries. When a woman welcomes him into her vagina, a man will feel the difference and it is worth the wait.

You will find that soon the penis and vagina become attuned to this new approach as increased sensitivity arises and the pressures to please and perform die down. Lie together for a few minutes, allow the eyes to meet, have a few breaths, relax, and you are both ready. It is as if the organs understand that love is being handed over to them now. Their intrinsic response to each other is activated as they sense the responsibility of love now lies with them. In normal circumstances mental pressure inhibits this natural response. Gradually, very subtle phenomena become more than enough to awaken sexual energy without needing to please or perform for the other.

Pleasing and appearances

We find ourselves today in a tragically body-beautiful society, and women in particular find an obsessive pressure placed on them to conform to its stringent demands. Again this leads us to an objective and external view of ourselves, and we lose connection to our inner world, our subjectivity, the source of our beauty. True radiant beauty has little to do with physical features. It is a quality that shimmers from within. When a woman is fulfilled in love she is extremely beautiful, even luminous, with love. It shines through the physical form. The inspiring curves of feminine grace are to be found in every woman's body. Awareness and a loving attitude to one's own body plant the roots of real beauty, elegance, and dignity. Yet most of us judge or compare rather than love our bodies. Forget about the norm, and start to love your body from within while appreciating the shapes and forms of others. Acceptance and relaxation have a profound effect on the body energy, which creates unique feminine beauty.

 O 
RGASM IS AN IMPORTANT TOPIC in the Tantric context, a discussion that becomes heated easily. In conventional sex, there is little question about it; ejaculation and orgasm are the primary reasons for making love. They are relaxing and disperse tensions, they help us to sleep well and they are both most enjoyable sensations. When you take them away it seems that there is no reward, that the fun is being removed. For many men and for some women, sex without ejaculation is inconceivable.

But after a man ejaculates, sex is over. The opportunity for closeness and sharing energy has passed, simply evaporated. This is exactly where Tantra says, "'Why end it here?" Why come and throw out your semen habitually? It is pure energy, it is imbued with the potency of life force, so keep it inside yourself. The body will ejaculate if it really has to ejaculate; you don't need to help it along.

Many men report feeling depleted after ejaculation. The jokes in our society about men turning over and snoring after they come are actually sad but true. And yet we still go for the end of the sex act. There is little doubt that through our conditioning, our lovemaking has the tendency to be outcome-oriented. The urgency of restless excitement motivates us, filling us with the desire to be rid of an inner tension. During sex if we don't achieve an orgasm or have an ejaculation we feel as if nothing happened. It was not a satisfying or real sexual experience. You may find yourself discontent, irritable, or argumentative, feeling like you were cheated, that you were at the mercy of your lover's whims and wishes, especially if your partner came and you did not.

We become addicted to orgasm and ejaculation because through them we release our internal pressures. It feels good but have you ever asked yourself how you really feel about the need for an orgasm, aside from the pure and simple enjoyment? Do you really
have to come?
Do you feel that you have made love even if you do not come? Being identified or attached to the experience of coming makes it difficult to move in the Tantric way because you have somewhere to go with a fixed idea in mind. According to the principles of Tantra there is nothing to do with nowhere to go. It is within this orientation that the Tantric experience most easily arises.

A peak experience—a circle of desire and release

Orgasm and ejaculation are peak experiences. They come from a deliberate build up of sexual energy toward a release, something that happens more or less the same way every time. It discourages creativity in lovemaking because as the intense desire or urge for orgasm arises, we are propelled forcefully forward by the mere thought of it. And intentionally we step up the ladder of excitement, where every cell in the body, every thought in the mind, is geared toward more and more. The focus is solely on the genital sensations, and friction is used to build and intensify this. This is hard and determined work toward a short-lived heaven as sexual tension consumes the body, spills over and discharges in release. It is precisely this unconscious thrust toward orgasm that keeps the sexual experience narrow and hollow, creating an insurmountable obstacle to more joy and ecstasy. This strong urge for orgasm seems to us to be so natural but only because we are unaware of the severity of our sexual conditioning.

The conditioning (mind) that has created the desire for climax overrides the intelligence (body) of our true sexual nature, which is based on deep-seated polarity. Notice the tension and contraction in your body when it goes for the orgasm. Notice the tightening of your buttocks, the contracting of your pelvic floor and belly. And often, after coming, you feel further apart from your lover, as though the two of you have been separated suddenly. The inviting sparks that flew through the air have disappeared and a shadow hangs over you. "What was that all about?" we might ask ourselves. The truth is that the idea of coming can have the effect of going, creating frustration and unhappiness for many lovers. Again and again we return feeling empty and incomplete, and so more desire is created. We find ourselves in a vicious, restless circle of desire and release, seldom the privilege of true sexual union.

A woman is not usually able to achieve a decent climax in a short period of time. She is slower than a man, and the reason is that her sexuality is total, diffused all over her body, it includes her breasts. So unless she can go into a sexual dance while making love she will not be able to have an orgasm naturally. It needs time and relaxation. Countless women live sadly under the lifetime illusion that they are non-orgasmic. The phantom of orgasm hangs over women's heads. Many a woman has faked her orgasms and never really had one, let alone a multiple one. Women's magazines are flooded with articles about the difficulties of orgasm. The root of the problem is that women get much too tense while making love, and this is made worse by the effort of trying to come and focusing on the clitoris. The ecstatic waves of orgasm that radiate through the body, the heightened vaginal sensitivity that arises when we melt into the breasts, where we make no effort and almost bottom-out, is not something to be forced or hunted after. It requires presence. An orgasm achieved through building up the excitement through friction and stimulating the clitoris gives rise to a release of sexual tension and not the experience of sexual ecstasy possible through vaginal contact with the penis. Some of us are better at getting tense than others, some of us are better at relaxing while getting tense than others, but what we know as an orgasm is not actually the real thing!

As women get older their wish to force or push for a sexual release diminishes because it is seldom worth the effort, and this is mistakenly interpreted as a loss of interest in sex. When women hear that they do not have to orgasm, indeed they should even forget about orgasm, they are overwhelmingly relieved. It means their sex life can continue because they can finally relax. Many will say they knew intuitively that orgasm could not be the whole picture. Women can benefit too, from ignoring the clitoris and letting it come into play as and when it is stimulated by the natural contact of the bodies. When we forget about orgasm as a goal we can better access our essential orgasmic nature.

In men, the opposite problem is more prevalent since they often ejaculate too soon, whether it be within fifteen, twenty, or twenty-five minutes. But premature ejaculation at five seconds or thirty minutes after penetration is still premature. It is simply not enough time to tap and activate the exquisite sexual energies of woman or for man to derive real sexual satisfaction. The truth is that the bodies are designed to make love for many hours without aim or goal, and orgasm and ejaculation can happen or not. It is your choice and not a habit.

Relax and stay in the now

In Tantra we reduce the excitement and forget about any outcome, trusting that there is more to sex than momentary pleasure. There certainly is. It may not yet be your realm of experience, but when we relax into sexual energy, we give ourselves the choice of retaining the energy inside the body. In an attempt to break the mechanical aspect of orgasm and ejaculation, ask yourself these questions: "Where am I now? Am I focused on this moment or on the next? Am I able to feel this stroke, this penetration, or am I thinking about the next, and the next and the next?" The answer will arrive in a flash!

Ask these questions often as you make love, and notice how your attention is either on your lover's pleasure or achieving your orgasm. Notice that being slightly ahead of yourself is not the same as being present now, and learning the disparity between the two makes all the difference. Pull the focus inward and down into your center, and return to consciousness. Now radiate this awareness out from deep within, pushing yourself into the here and now through your body to meet your lover.

The question often arises that since a woman does not lose life-giving semen, why on earth shouldn't she come? If she is completely relaxed it is fine. Otherwise it is essential to understand the interconnection of the partners making love. If a woman is focused on building up an orgasm through excitement, it is quite difficult for a man to be disinterested in ejaculation. This is a basic conflict of interests within the genitals. The intensity of the woman's excitement (tension) will overwhelm the relaxation of the man and suddenly he is excited too, ready to ejaculate. When the vaginal environment gets tense, so does the penis. Even if a man is able to relax through his partner's climax, she will quite possibly find herself less interested and not so enthusiastic as she was a few moments ago. Suddenly there has been a dissipation, a leaking of energy, and the fire has fizzled out. More important, when a woman is focused on orgasm she is absent and not truly present and receptive.

The secret of Tantra is, as always, relaxation. Think about what might happen if you didn't go for a peak but instead relaxed into the valley and became a wave in the ocean. When you allow the body to relax, you reach to the source of your sex energy where you begin to move from your polarities, and much more happens. There is nothing wrong with sexual release, it is biological, but when we allow it to carry us along, overwhelm us, we forget about the journey of love that comes with it. Focusing on the peak causes us to forget about extending the ride. It's the difference between a sports car roaring through the forest, missing everything but its own momentum, and a slow, easy, contented walk through nature, smelling, tasting, and feeling everything along the way. When we pay attention to the small steps that make up the whole, we become immersed in the path, and leave the end to itself. Then it is different every time.

Choose a new way to make love

Tantra offers us the opportunity to experiment with life energy. It is not about making rules and telling you not to do things. It is saying, "You've done it the other way so many times. How about trying something different for a few months? If you don't like it, nothing is lost. In the meantime, let's play a little and see what happens. Maybe the ancient lovers who embodied and conveyed Tantra knew something you didn't."