Heart of Tantric Sex (29 page)

People often ask if the rubber of a condom inhibits sensitivity. Yes, undoubtedly it does, as there is an undeniable layer between the penis and its delicate environment. However, the intrinsic sensitivity of the penis remains unaffected as men report the same miraculous magnetic response of the penis within the vagina regardless of this lack of true physical contact. This is undeniable proof of the finesse and intelligence of the penis.

Lubricants

Condoms are
only
to be used with special pharmaceutical lubricant such as KY Jelly, or "designer-style" lubricants that have an aqueous base (water). Condoms must not be used with vegetable oil or petroleum jelly, which destroy the rubber and compromise protection. (Condoms are also known to tear or disintegrate for no apparent reason.) There are many lubricants on the market; find one that suits you. Oil was used by the Chinese Taoists centuries ago and it was said to keep down the level of bacteria. A pure unscented vegetable or nut oil (such as almond oil) is fine but remember, not in conjunction with condoms. Saliva is good for emergencies, it has the most wonderful texture of all, but it is not always clean. Introducing saliva into the vagina can therefore upset the natural acid-alkali balance and irritations can occur.

Be sensitive during menstruation

The onset of menstruation triggers different responses in men and women. There are no general rules. Each couple has to be sensitive to the needs of the other, and decide according to their situation. Women often have heightened sensitivity at this time and may dread being deserted, while men fear the blood or the mess of it all. Be loving with each other nonetheless, share and exchange energy in bodily embraces or lie silently and rest in consciousness together. Such moments can be penetrating too.

While menstruating, it is recommended that the woman assume a position on top of the man to support the menstrual flow by not reversing it, which can have congesting effects. Heavy thrusting is not recommended at this time either. A conventional orgasm is known to dispel the tensions of menstrual pain, but this is only a short-term measure as the pain is often a reflection of gathered sexual tensions. So, make it a gentle relaxed orgasm so that you do not reinforce the tensions already present. As a woman begins to relax in lovemaking, she is likely to find a corresponding improvement in problems with menstrual pain, and indeed in her all her premenstrual and menstrual syndromes. Her general outlook on life will be enhanced and she will also feel herself giving and receiving love more easily.

As we make love we may notice that interest or intensity in lovemaking comes and goes. There seem to be cycles of extreme intensity suddenly followed by a plateau. These are the rhythms of nature, where rest always follows activity, and should not cause doubt or resentment. However, even when we do not apparently feel like making love, it is recommended to try it out. Put the bodies together and see what happens. Often the mind is not prepared to be present and relaxed, while in contrast the body is usually more than willing. Remember you can stop at any time. So many surprising experiences happened when I apparently did not feel like making love. So it can often be more beneficial to make love than to make an excuse.

A woman often feels distressed and emotional in the days before the onset of menstruation. In fact life can be hell for her and she is filled with doubt and insecurity. In this state she usually considers lovemaking an impossibility because at heart she feels unlovable. If a man can encourage her to make love consciously, many of her tensions and insecurities will disperse through the sexual exchange. Calmness and contentment will prevail and menstruation will become less of a torment. It is very important that a man be direct with a woman when she has an emotional crisis during her premenstrual or menstrual period. The man must avoid getting emotional too, by way of unconscious reaction, but remind the woman lovingly what is happening to her, and offer his support. For instance "What do you need right now?"

"What I can I do for you?" Physical contact is ever-healing because deep down the woman is missing love—the reason underlying all emotionality.

Make love if you can, because love is the greatest therapy there is, it works miracles. Support her through the crisis, be with her and be loving, do not abandon or blame her. A man has much to answer for in his addiction to sexual excitement. It has eroded away the essential qualities of a woman and she can so easily be unstable and unpredictable in turn. His task today is to reverse this process. With a new vision, old wounds can be healed through communication and consciousness, and men and women are encouraged to be as open as possible and say how they feel.

While the hormonal cycles of women are well known and well discussed, the lesser-known hormonal cycles of men lie unacknowledged. Evidence gradually emerges to indicate that there are subtle cycles that affect men at a deeper level, and men do get the blues! It is no wonder with love being in such disarray. It is his partner's hormonal cycles that have the most subterranean impact on him, and in his ignorance, he reinforces this. When she is tied up in hormonal knots, and as a man he is unable to reach her, this affects his mind and body profoundly. On the other hand, when he becomes more aware in sex, his partner will respond by being more loving; she will be sexually more available to him. This expression of his masculinity has a strengthening influence, and without habitual ejaculation the hormonal factors stimulated by sexual activity will be reabsorbed, translating into physical vitality and a loving heart. Sex is an uplifting, energizing force.

Cycles of ill-health

While it may seem a little unrelated, it is important to mention cycles of genital ill-health. Many couples that have experimented with reducing excitement and tension in sex have found a corresponding reduction in repetitious genital infections. Both men and women can suffer from ongoing genital disturbances including Candida, herpes, cystitis, bladder infections, thrush, and mysterious discharges or irritations. Couples have noticed a distinct change in the pattern of such occurrences once consciousness is introduced into lovemaking. It seems that as the genital tissues become polarized, relaxed, and healthier, irritations of the sexual organs diminish. A friend, who had been plagued by such occurrences for several years, said to me "My vagina is now totally healthy. Before that it was a constant struggle against herpes and Candida. It is really amazing. I feel so happy about this because it was really a burden for me, for our sexual life and the relationship."

Similarly, a close male friend suffered from herpes. It followed him like a shadow, a constant source of distress, and he felt his manhood threatened by his lack of availability. Once he began to make love with more awareness and a more loving, respectful attitude to himself and his woman, he observed that his outbreaks of herpes diminished. He began to notice that if he let go into his conditioning, making love without consciousness, that a herpes outbreak would follow almost immediately. As the process of staying present and conscious deepened for him, the recurring outbreaks stopped. When it happened unexpectedly, he was always able to trace it back to some unexpressed emotion, something he did not allow himself to feel.

Bladder infections in women can often be the result of vigorous sex. The friction irritates the urethral opening just below the clitoris, and so a site for infection is created. Bladder infections will frequently occur when a couple have been separated for a while and upon reunion they make love with a great deal of energetic enthusiasm rather than renewed, relaxed sensitivity. Friction produces a tension in men and women, which eventually disturbs the genital tissues. The charge has no way of flowing out of the energy system so it builds up and manifests as physical irritations or disturbances.

Relaxation is the ever-healing force. As the finesse of lovemaking increases and the sexual tensions relax, a rearrangement of sexual energy takes place, enabling it to flow along inner ecstatic pathways. This has a profound impact on the'psyche, and harmony of body and spirit follows. We are able to transcend the biological life cycle of reproduction and expand into the spiritual generative cycle of the sexual energy, fulfilling our human potential. This is the greatest life cycle of all, where sex is used to instill awareness of life beyond the body, and beyond life itself.

 W 
HEN WE FIND OURSELVES ALONE or without a lover, we may well ask: What do I do with my sexual energy now? How do I stay vibrant and sensuous? How can I invite love into my life? Tantra reminds us that each man or woman is a complete unit within themselves. Recalling the theme of polarity, a man's body carries a positive pole in the penis and a negative pole in the heart, while a woman's body is negative in the vagina and positive in the breasts and heart. These opposite poles form a rod of magnetism, which means that energy can be circulated between this positive and negative, and this circulation happens independently. The joy and ecstasy felt during deep orgasm happens within your very own body and is dependent on your own inner sensitivity and awareness. This explains, for instance, why a woman may report having an orgasmic experience while her partner was half-asleep and uninvolved. The simple fact of the penis lying
in
the vagina triggers the internal energy movement. If the person is very alive to themselves, this is enough to bring them into a blissful state. If we have had one single orgasmic experience in sex where the sexual energy moves orgasmically inward and upward, Tantra tells us that this very experience can be used to increase consciousness. By recreating this internally, by consciously moving the awareness within the body, a vibrating cellular experience can be recalled and relived again and again. Through this conscious reliving of the orgasmic state, the orgasmic energy flowing within, great transformation is possible. So it is wonderful to realize that you can consciously prolong the beneficial effects of lovemaking through the power of imagination.

If you are separated from your lover for a while, you can set aside a specific time to lie down and attune to yourself and your inner electricity. Use the imagination to support the energy flow through the body. Very soon you will start to feel a streaming through the body not unlike when you are making love. It will have a similar quality. It is also good to use this as a way of communicating with your lover instead of relying on the telephone as we often do and finding words hopelessly inadequate. Instead, make an agreement or date to lie down and relax at exactly the same time, say, nine o'clock at night. You are separated physically but are together in spirit. Fifteen to twenty minutes is enough, but you can try longer too. You will be amazed at the loving and refreshing results. Through this practice you are reinforcing the love to be found within yourself, the love that is an expression of your being.

Resting in consciousness

If you are alone and without a partner, this circulation of vital energy within your body is possible. It is highly recommended because it turns the awareness inward to bring yourself into focus. This in itself is a tremendous nourishment and you will find yourself feeling more loving and content. To have Tantra in your life while you are alone, all it takes is to make some undisturbed time each day to lie down and rest. The idea is to
rest
and take the consciousness into the body. When we achieve this union with the subtle energies in the body, time melts away and inner contentment arises. We feel filled up, and not the empty space in bed next to us. However, this requires that we remain conscious.

Most of us, when we go to sleep at night or have a nap, use it as time to escape the pressures of reality, and check out for a while. Often after this kind of rest, you awaken feeling a bit drugged, and the worse for it— it did not give you the refreshment you were seeking. We all know too, how it feels to wake up in the morning and feel quite exhausted, as though we haven't slept. Bringing consciousness to the body can eliminate these effects.