Heart of Tantric Sex (22 page)

Tantra gives you the possibility to choose a new way to make love, based on the understanding that habitual ejaculation requires a man to operate outside of his male polarity. This undermines his masculinity as he continually forces his sex energy to a peak, creating an overly positive environment within, which results in an imbalance. This leaves him more often than not debilitated and unloving. Some men accept this, thinking that the tiredness and sense of separation following sex is the name of the game, while others resent it, which gives them the impetus to explore their hidden potential. If a man is able to bring his intelligence to bear on his sexual expression, he opens up a nourishing world within himself and his partner that goes way beyond fulfilling ambitions and filling time. Men have told me that when the frequency of ejaculation is reduced they have more zest for life and a corresponding increase in sexual interest. It is not the other way around. His attraction does not fizzle out as usual, but instead it continues and grows while he feels grounded and charged with life, confidence, and a new kind of loving manliness.

Man's ejaculation is not really an orgasm, although for men the words orgasm and ejaculation are used interchangeably to describe the experience. The semen is just the physical part, but the psychic and spiritual part of orgasm is missed completely. Here is where the highest potential of sex lies. Orgasm is a state where body is no longer felt as matter; it vibrates like energy, like electricity, filled with light. You are without physical boundaries, a dancing, throbbing energy, consumed with the divine. The body becomes vaporous, vibrating in harmony with the beloved, hearts beating together, and then orgasm happens— two become one—a circle pulsating together. This is the ancient symbol of yin and yang, yin moving into yang and yang moving into yin. It is exactly this spiritual state that we are unknowingly seeking in our conventional thirst for orgasm, because in the few seconds of orgasm that we do have, we can yield to a higher force.

An inner ecstatic phenomenon

Tantra offers an orgasm that is a state and not an event. It is interested in
being
orgasmic, rather than
having
an orgasm. One is timeless and the other the fewest of seconds. This ecstatic state is an inner phenomenon from which great joy and fulfillment arises. It is the experience of a valley orgasm, a falling into the ecstatic depths of relaxation. And perhaps out of this a peak can arise from the depths, forging and swirling its way upward orgasmically to its zenith. In this valley of relaxation a man can experience orgasm without ejaculation. The orgasmic energy moves through the body in waves, but there is no physical part to it—the semen remains in the body. And women are known to release copious liquid, a divine nectar called "amrita", in moments of ecstasy.

One cannot actively seek a valley orgasm, that is its beauty. It is not a doing, it is a by-product arising out of an intensity of being, profound relaxation. It happens to you, you do not make it happen. We can actively take steps to relax in sex through the Love Keys and give birth to the possibility of such an emerging experience. And the simplest way to approach it is to resist our habit of always going for orgasm or ejaculation. Relax, remain present, and see what happens instead. It does not mean that you never come. It means you extend the lovemaking and save the ejaculation for much later on, or you come less often, and perhaps gradually with less frequency. A variety of enriching and fulfilling experiences begin to engage you and fill out the lovemaking, and correspondingly the interest or dependence on the peak recedes. It depends on you, remembering when we don't release the sex energy we are literally empowering ourselves.

When you are able to feel the
exact
moment a desire for orgasm or ejaculation arises, it is a significant and inspiring step. If you can observe the very moment when the excitement overwhelms and suddenly floods you, almost as a substance to be felt in the body, enticing you onward,
then
you can really begin to play with your sexual energy. Recognizing this precise point gives you choice in making love. The obvious choice would be to go with the desire and build it up. If you do this, do it as consciously as possible right to the end.

The less obvious choice is to relax and this is not easy. It's a confrontation with biology and conditioning, but it gives a newfound freedom. The
very instant
you feel desire, relax! And don't delay a second. In supporting the urge for even thirty seconds the desire is motivated toward release, and regaining presence becomes difficult because lust keeps kicking in. Instead, to experience the full benefit of this powerful Tantric guideline, the very instant you feel desire, face it with your full consciousness in your totality, and abandon it then and there. Drop into your body by releasing all tension—jaw, shoulders, belly, feet, wherever, let go! Relaxation flows all over the body. For men, focusing the awareness either on the third eye or the solar plexus helps in re-directing the energy. With this internal relaxation and the pressure
off
the sex energy, it inverts and moments later will rise up within, a moving force flooding you with energy, the deeper the relaxation the higher the thrust. Excitement is transformed into a thrilling energy. Riding and relaxing with this force is the art of Tantra. It becomes an inspiration, a meditation, a reason to live and love. So if you can begin to enter with consciousness, to catch the moment when the body starts to run its program and then relax intensely, the sexual energy starts to get veered off the conditioned course. It begins to valley out and expand, and you are in for a glorious surprise. Keep relaxing and you will find relaxation to be the most exciting thing around!

When you do ejaculate, experimenting with the Love Keys is worthwhile. The quality of the experience is influenced through the consciousness. Tell your partner, "I am going to come now." This acknowledgment brings immediate attention to the process. Look into her eyes. Share the energy through the eyes. Don't keep it to yourself. Relax the buttocks, the muscles at the base of the penis, slow down the movement, even try being still. Doing this will expand the experience.

Afterward, don't separate but remain lying together, embracing, penis in vagina. Keep the awareness on the genitals and allow them to exchange energy while resting. Often, when a man starts to come, the woman will intensify her efforts to achieve orgasm at the same time, but this rarely works out, it is always a few strokes short. So it is better for the woman to relax and be loving, to focus on receiving the male energy into her. If her vagina is soft and receptive, this changes the experience for the man too. In a relaxed, undemanding environment his penis will feel more alive with expanded sensations.

Discover the joy of going nowhere

After a time, making love without following our urges gets easier. You will notice that the more "here" you can be, the more enchanting the lovemaking will be. After more time, it begins to seem more natural to be "here," and the idea of coming seems like a great effort. At a certain point it feels like you step under your conditioning, beneath the superficial elements of sex, to reach a more relaxed yet vibrant state. It becomes easier to leave it up to the bodies to make love without the mind imposing a specific direction. And you do not lose your capacity to get excited and have a conventional orgasm and ejaculation. You can turn it on at any time if you so wish. The resulting peak experience of excitement is
also
an expression of the body. There are other options and choices but these only become clear to us when we start to relax into our sexual energy and give it an opportunity to do its own thing. Once our sex center returns to its innocent and natural state, it has been purified and "deconditioned." The sexual energy is no longer compressed outward in release, but begins to turn, impressing itself inward and upward. The sense is one of the sex center now being free of a force or restriction that was holding it down. Once free, sexual energy knows no rules, no limitations. The bodies choose the style according to the level of presence and sexual energy available. Sometimes it's still and serene and the next moment out of the core of this stillness, there is expansive movement. Each stroke, each thrust, each penetration received in its own right, complete relaxation. Wild and passionate going absolutely nowhere.

True passion is a glorious celebration of the body where everything is incorporated in the present moment. It means to be wild but not unconscious in it, and then wildness is beautiful. True wildness has no direction, no goal, it's simply here and here and here! Divisions disappear as bodies slip out of time and move into orgasmic unity through presence.

ONE OF THE CONFUSIONS about ejaculation is that it is valued as a form of relaxation. But it is really a dissipation, a tremendous loss of energy which results in fatigue or irritation rather than the refreshing quality typical of relaxation. Ancient Taoist principles whereby a man derives good health through living in harmony with the universe, embraced the phenomenon of non-ejaculation, retaining the semen in the body, and reabsorbing the life force into longevity.

Likewise, Tantra is interested in non-ejaculation which is not to be confused with ejaculation
control.
Non-ejaculation means that the question of ejaculation rarely enters the picture. It is not even an issue, because you are relaxing into it. This enables lovemaking to be a prolonged and satisfying exchange. On the other hand, to
control
your ejaculation implies that a strong urge to ejaculate is present, and it needs repressing. It then becomes an act of sheer will where the sex energy is first intentionally built up to a peak; and then mental control is exerted to retract from ejaculation. A woman then finds herself at the mercy of her partner when he cries out, "Stop! Don't move!" This is devastating to say the least, when all she needed was that one last stroke to come!

Many techniques exist today mistakenly in the name of Tantra, which are based on this idea of repeatedly controlling ejaculation, of dancing on the verge, of playing with the fire. But the results are less than pleasing as men complain of feelings of congestion and aches and pains in the groin or testicles. It happens because the whole system is geared up for release, and then stops, perhaps several times, as the energy is switched on and off, on and off. While this dancing with danger may give an immediate pleasure and high, or a feeling of vitality, frequently there is a corresponding low some time later. A congested residue of tension in the genital and belly area remains and as a style of lovemaking, eventually it may put stress on the prostate gland, causing discomfort and physical problems.

The very word "control" implies a tension, so ejaculation control cannot be a relaxing experience. The tension of the urgent ejaculation
and
the tension of controlling it with the mind create a double tension. The delights of Tantric lovemaking arise from a relaxing
into
the sex energy, a state of acceptance where nothing is forced. It focuses on an unhurried, gentle expansion of the sexual energy through relaxation and sensuality, and excitement and tension are not part of this picture. The genitals through their own intelligence, the positive and negative polarities, challenge each other, which creates a natural sexual ecstasy. The sex organs begin to operate beneath excitement. And nothing is fixed beforehand, nothing is guaranteed. Some days it is electrical or totally riveting in intensity, and other days there is a timeless or floating quality. In this kind of experience, ejaculation seems light years away.

Orgasm and the ego Unfortunately, both men and women have been programmed to identify their partner's orgasm as pleasure that they themselves have been responsible for creating. And a man, particularly, feels that a woman's orgasms prove him to be more of a man, strengthening his sexual ego. But when he keeps a woman revolving around the superficial layer of her sexual energy by insisting that she come in order to satisfy himself, he limits his own sexual potential. The doorway to great transformation remains closed.