Heart of Tantric Sex (18 page)

 W 
E MAKE DINNER DATES, theater dates and business dates, but rarely lovemaking dates. For some reason making love, which is foremost in most people's thoughts, usually ends up absolutely last on the list. Most of us finish working, eating, drinking, entertaining, before we consider love. And then when exhausted, or under the effects of alcohol, or digesting a heavy meal, or all three, we decide to make love. This is hardly the time when we are at our best, so to expect such an experience to be a beautiful and sacred celebration of love is unrealistic, even unfair.

Often when we make a date for dinner or the movies, we do so with the desire to end up in bed. But there we sit, crossing and uncrossing our legs, eating course after course, plowing through conversation, wondering anxiously when it will happen, or if it will happen at all! But whenever I have had the courage to be honest with a man about what I wanted, I experienced instant relief, my energy could flow freely and this helped me to be natural.

I have always appreciated it too, when a man was direct with his intentions, when he spoke up and told me that he wanted to make love, without the game that usually preceded sex. Making a date to make love is uncommon in this society. However, many couples who have tried this approach say at first there was a resistance because it took away the spontaneity of sex, but later reported that it worked out very well. The women said that after they got over the idea that they were "making love on demand" it brought deep contentment to know that they would definitely make love with their partner. They felt more appreciated and loved, more open and available. The men reported feeling infinitely more relaxed when they knew they would be making love at a specific time, because it reduced their mental obsession with sex. They found it more easy to concentrate on other activities during the day without the repeated sexual thoughts or anxieties. Many said that knowing they had a date to make love stopped the compulsive looking at other women.

As much as people say that they want things to be spontaneous, the truth is that this seldom happens. We do the same thing in sex again and again. Men are often concerned well in advance about if and when women will allow them to make love again. Women have been known to intentionally withhold sex from their partners; we have all heard the jokes about women and their perpetual headaches that pop up at bedtime. "When will she let me inside her again?" the man asks himself, and this makes him restless and anxious. Knowing that she
will
be there, ready and willing to make love, is reassuring for the man. He knows that he will not have to win her over or persuade her, and this relaxation gives him a natural loving authority, enabling him to direct his male energy in a creative way. So it becomes important that the woman does not make up excuses when the time arrives to make love. Certainly, occasions will arise when there are genuine reasons why she cannot participate, but in general it is really worthwhile and most interesting to make love regardless of what else is going on. When the woman sticks to her commitment to make love, the man is less anxious, and this is also of benefit to him. Knowing that love will happen can serve to prolong the lovemaking too, since anxiety would create tension, which creates excitement and the likelihood of early ejaculation.

Making love without a date or preparation means that it happens by accident, which also implies with less consciousness. When I began making dates to make love, I found that knowing beforehand actually made me a more sensitive lover. I could tune into sex several hours before the event, become conscious of my breasts and my vagina slowly pulling the awareness into my body before my lover arrived. When we finally lay down together I was almost ready for penetration. The idea of cooperating together in this way, and the mental preparation that comes with it, changes the whole quality of lovemaking.

Sexual dating

It is quite possible that at first when you start "dating" in this way, you feel a little embarrassed, even shy or awkward, especially when it is time to undress and get into bed. To take this conscious step, rather than fumbling around on the sofa in a prolonged seduction, can be a challenge in itself. Nonetheless it is worth taking the plunge. Remove your clothing consciously and slowly and allow yourself to be seen. Look at each other with soft vision. Gradually approach each other, gently embrace, remembering to keep the awareness inward and downward. You may prefer to lie down facing each other, or sit opposite each other. Such honesty brings a vitality, which compels you into the experience of the present moment.

I remember a friend telling me after reading some articles I had written that he and his partner decided to make a date to make love. He was surprised to find that he felt tremendously bashful and self-conscious about it even though he had been making love with her for years. He found this so overwhelming that he decided to abandon the attempt. However, isn't it interesting that we feel embarrassed when suddenly we become conscious of what is happening? And that when sex happens by accident and in the dark we often feel more comfortable with it? As we bring the sexual act into consciousness there are likely to be some awkward moments at first, but don't be disheartened. Trust your lover, for there is no need for protection or pretense. You are here in love. As the self-consciousness dissolves we become more present and trusting. After two or three dates it will seem quite natural to approach sex in this way and you will welcome how straightforward it is.

How often should we make love?

I am often asked how often a couple should make love. I find it very healthy to make love as often as possible. When energy is generated and not dispersed, one is enriched and uplifted by the experience. One can make love again and again. It keeps your love rooted in the physical body, creating a mutual, non-mental, and energetic bond between you. This increases your awareness of each other, and times in between take on a different quality. A simple breakfast can have an underlying joy and contented silence to it while a sparkle in the eyes and a flashing smile transmit more than words can say. Intimacy is in the air and it grows.

When I began to change the way I made love, I was fortunate to be living a flexible lifestyle so I had lots of time available. I was so fascinated with the revelations of the new world I was exploring, I was grateful to find my lover as enthusiastic and available as I was, so we made love daily and more than once. This enabled it to be an organic living process and we entered into our journey freely, putting together a unique and different picture, discovering something new each time. Even when we did not really feel like making love, we still put our bodies together and it was astounding to discover that the bodies
always
loved to make love, even if the mind was not so interested. The more we made love the more we understood how and why certain results happened, and we were able to unravel the misunderstandings that held us in the old, non-satisfying patterns of our sexual past.

That was my personal experience, but ultimately we must each decide for ourselves how often making love is appropriate. Some couples value it every day because it keeps the thread of love and consciousness weaving in the body. It becomes a significant part of daily life. For others, the pressures of work and family make it impossible to come together every day. For them, once or twice a week is more realistic. Whatever your lifestyle offers is what you will do. Frequency is really not the issue; what is significant here is quality. A truly joyful sexual experience can leave you satisfied and glowing for days. Just make love as often as you can, remembering when you make love consciously, no energy will be wasted or dispersed. You will in fact be generating energy, and you will be invigorated. You might even find you begin to need less sleep.

When you make a date to make love, I suggest that you give yourself around two to three hours ... or more. Ensure that you have no disturbances by switching on the answering machine and locking the door. Where there is a lack of privacy, anxieties can arise which will provoke sexual excitement and make it difficult to relax into the experience. If possible don't limit your lovemaking to the night; also choose times when the body is fresh and awake, preferably after some exercise, dancing, or meditation. Try dates at different times of the day to see what works best for you. Mornings are good because the day has only just started. The body is renewed after a night's sleep and the mind is relatively still, not yet filled up with daily anxieties. The afternoons are also favorite times for many lovers and if your work schedule does not allow this, try the weekends. You must make a conscious effort, even if it means sending your children to friends for the afternoon. Then instead of watching a movie, make love! Some years ago one couple, after having a two-hour talk with me, started to spend Friday mornings together. They changed their work schedules to create a few hours at home while the children were at school. It became a hallowed day and even the neighbors noticed the serene quietness surrounding the house. This weekly date helped their relationship enormously and the children in turn benefited from the happy environment created by the conscious loving of their parents.

Love in the center of your life

This does not mean that you must only make love when there are two or three hours available. When there is little time to make love, Tantra has its own version of the sexual "quickie," which is about plugging in rather than going for it. Just slip the relaxed penis into the vagina as suggested in the section on soft penetration and lie together in consciousness for twenty minutes. Joining like this in the morning after coffee and before work can bring the fresh breeze of contentment into your day. At night, if you are sleepy but find you want to be closer to your lover, as a good-night kiss try fifteen minutes of plugging in energy exchange. You can even go to sleep like this, relaxing happily back into the night. If you are separating from your lover for a time, make a date to make love before leaving—even ten minutes works wonders. It is beautiful to say good-bye in a conscious way instead of a final few words over your shoulder at an airport gate after a sad or tearful hug.

Making a date to make love is putting love back into the center of your life as a priority. There is far less wasted time when suddenly small talk with acquaintances is less appealing, and you can't wait to get back home and dive gratefully into bed with your lover. Some couples, particularly if they have been together for many years, have found it essential to write lovemaking into their schedules, fitting it around the clamor of children, relatives, and peer-group pressures. They sit together on the weekends and make appointments with each other! Don't let the idea of two to three hours intimidate you. The important thing is to make it open-ended so that you do not have to think about the end. A full one hundred and eighty minutes means that you definitely have to arrive in the present, and be here. Have a hot bath, dance together, share massage, make love, have a cup of tea, and make love again. If it seems like nothing is happening, a short break is always a worthwhile idea. It usually works wonders, refreshing you both, and when you start again it is a whole new adventure. In this way, making a date to make love, whether it is a long time or a short one, will help to bring some focus back into your love affair. Making love whenever possible becomes a significant factor for many couples, and they soon discover that sexual rapport is the root of loving contentment. Frequency in lovemaking deepens your personal experience. It also infuses a certain stillness in the body, which is very healthy, and even life's activities have a more centered quality. This frequency also reduces the tremendous pressure of expectations we have surrounding the sexual act, which interfere with our capacity to be present. We find it much easier to "be" when we make love often. We are relaxed and easy and whatever happens is what happens. With this unexpecting attitude, exploration and discovery are possible.

Create an atmosphere of intimacy